PAROCHIAL DIRECTIONS
Several years ago, while still married to Mrs. Wife #2, we went on vacation to Kauai Hawaii. The flight out took about twelve hours and by the time we landed at the airport we were well past travel weary. We rented a car and were assured the hotel where we were booked was less than twenty minutes away.
The rent-a-car lady, a local, gave us directions to the hotel.
“Take the main highway east, and look for a left turn at Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive*. Drive two miles and then turn right at Lookeymakooky Way, and the hotel will be on your left. Can’t miss it!"
We packed our luggage and easily found the main highway east. As we past every possible left hand turn we looked for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive. Surely it was impossible to miss a sign for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive. Thirty miles later it was quite evident that we did in fact miss Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
Mrs. Wife #2 was not good with missed directions on a normal day. After a twelve hour flight her head started to spin and she was hacking out green “exorcist-like” sputum. I hated when she did that.
We called the hotel and they confirmed that we missed the turn for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive. They gave us directions to back track and we did in fact find the hotel thirty minutes later.
While unpacking the car it soon became apparent that I had left a dress bag at the airport…more head spinning and green sputum spitting ensued.
The next morning after being called every name in the book and a few which would require an addendum to “The Book,” I set out to the airport to recover the forgotten bag.
On the way I was determined to find where I missed the turn off to Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive. It did not take long. With my eyeballs refreshed from resting after the twelve hour flight (my eyes were rested, but I did wake up with a new asshole; one of many new assholes Mrs. Wife #2 ripped for me during our twelve years of marriage) I spotted Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive was clearly marked on a three inch by fourteen inch sign which was hanging under a two foot by five foot sign which identified ROUTE 35as the other name for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
I kinda wished that local Kauai car rental clerk might have mentioned that Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive was also known as ROUTE 35 !!
It might have saved me some head spinning, green sputum spitting name calling, and let me keep my old asshole.
*A post by that fabulous blogger, fishducky http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ , reminded me of this story.
Take the next right after the last stop sign.
ReplyDeleteor
Turn left after the red barn that burned down a couple years ago.
A three inch sign? No wonder you missed it. I think you should have shown it to Mrs C #2 and demanded an apology, but probably you didn't need yet another butt reaming, she might have wanted to know why you didn't see it the first time.
ReplyDeleteShe does sound hard to live with.
I think you deserve an award for spelling... or pronunciation... or both, plus an award for patience (I think).....
ReplyDeleteThey do love their vowels in Hawaii.
ReplyDeleteThis is why i tell them, draw me a map! It often helps.
ReplyDeleteMore fun than a human being ought to be allowed to have. . .
ReplyDelete;)
Yeah, the multiple names thing is annoying. Here in Houston, because they connect old roads together to make one long road, a lot of the streets have three or in some cases even four names.
ReplyDeleteHowever, given a choice, I always probably go with the shorter, simpler name.
Your pain makes us laugh.
Ooh, I would have taken a photo of that puny sign and probably would have had to deal with a rear ender to add to an all ready sore butt. She sure makes the current Mrs C sound angelic.
ReplyDeleteI can see why she's an ex. Did you get the bag at the airport or was that gone forever? That would have been more trouble.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day. ☺
Must have been a very long 12 years!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the shout out!! Which post was that?
ReplyDeleteOn our first trip to Hawaii we rented a car & made dinner reservations. I was looking at a map, navigating driver Bud. We were trying to find the restaurant but every street name was similar to Kawanakeelookyfishducky. Bud was going a little too fast for me to read the whole name of any street. As we passed one street, he asked me what its name was. I told him I didn't know, but it started with a "K"!!
If you come to the edge of a steep cliff....you've gone too far.
ReplyDeleteWell, was it a good vacation (he asked innocently)?
ReplyDeleteRoute #35 would have been much easier to find.
ReplyDeleteAt least you got a new HAWAII asshole out of the trip, instead of a regular ol' NEW JERSEY asshole.
ReplyDeleteI hate when anyone gives me directions to go in a particular direction like east or west, like I would know east or west. Unless there was an ocean right by me, I would never figure out which way to head. I'm the one even with GPS that is guaranteed to get lost the first time I'm going some place new.
ReplyDeletebetty
Driving in the south is the worst EVER. After growing up and living the majority of my life in Jersey and CT, I am still not surprised when some stupid road sign never matches my directions from Google or GPS. Grrrr.
ReplyDelete