STUPID HEADLINES 060913

STUPID HEADLINES 060913

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Who would have thunk it?

 

 

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

Some women can have orgasms during child birth, study suggests – Well now I understand why some women just keep having more…and you know who you are!

Breeze blamed: Gang rape defendant claims wind carried DNA from beer can to condom – For all you law students out there, this does not fall into the category of reasonable doubt.

Domino's tests drone pizza delivery – How much do you tip a drone?

'Emotionally disturbed' man stabs self on ‘Today’ show plaza, police say – Well maybe he was ‘Emotionally disturbed,’ but have you ever tried to watch “The Today Show?”

Rhode Island TV news crew attacked while reporting on story about kindergarten party shooting – Those kindergarten parties always get out of hand!

Texas man flips out at car show, is carried away by police screaming, “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!” – Dude, just change all your passwords to “sdrowssap.”

Woman attempting to live on nothing but water and sunlight for 6 months – Woman, Nevanna Shine, (who could make that up?) has so far lost 30 pounds and has a severe case of sunburn.

Woman Tasered After 'Trying to Buy Too Many iPhones' – Woman is now iRate!

Tanker truck full of Scotch whisky tips over and catches on fire in Woodbridge – I wonder how good is the whisky that is shipped by a tanker?

Saudi Arabia's jobs problem: Not enough executioners – The country needs to offer more college degrees in “Headchopping.”

Last week’s fake headline was:

Survey: Marriage counselors' success rate is 50% - Hmmm…kinda the same as the divorce rate.

Several people guessed the poop transplant, but believe it or not, a poop transplant is a medical procedure:

Stool transplant, fecal enema and human probiotic infusion (HPI). FMT involves restoration of the colonic flora by introducing healthy bacterial flora through infusion of stool, e.g. by enema, obtained from a healthy human donor.

Only one person guessed the fake headline:

Kellie @ http://delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com/ correctly deduced “The marriage counselor one, there's no way their success rate is that high ;P”

Should We Have A Fat Tax?

Should We Have A Fat Tax?

A Cranky opinion on Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a Cranky Old Man.  Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong but welcome) but please, no name calling…and that means you, you big stupid head!

 

Is our health system going broke because of fat people?   I don’t mean to pick on fat people, I am no slim Jim myself, but it seems to be OK to tax drinkers and their alcohol consumption, and cigarette smoking has been reduced partially due to high product taxes.  We tax gasoline to discourage use.  We tax to raise money necessary for the government to deliver services; we also tax in order to discourage consumption of items society deems dangerous and or undesirable.

A recent post by a blogger I follow, Dr. Vinnie, addresses the epidemic our country is facing due to morbid obesity*.   Obesity causes or exacerbates the vast majority of all the health issues which cost us so much in both dollars and of course lives, and yet discouraging the consumption which promotes this condition has not been attempted.  Perhaps our society needs to look upon the obese as the same kind of pariahs that we have made smokers.  

Is that mean?

If we can tax smokers into bankruptcy to make them quit, if we can embarrass smokers by forcing them outside and into special smoking areas while non-smokers wave their hands to ward off the smoke in distain, if it is politically correct to look a smoker in the eye and chastise them for disturbing the air with second hand smoke, if it is ok to walk by a person inhaling his addictive drug and exclaim, “Ewww, a smoker!” Then perhaps it is time to put the pressure on another group who are creating a health crisis because of their being inconsiderate!

Is this harsh?  Yes it is, but I was subjected to all of the above before I quit smoking, and I know it was in my own best interests.  Sometimes bullying to force people to conform to societies accepted behavior is not a bad thing.

Dr. Vinnie offers some good first steps to fighting this epidemic.  First is tax the hell out of soda.  If alcohol is bad, if tobacco is evil, who wants to make an argument that drinking mass quantities of sugar water is worth supporting.  Health studies have also demonstrated that so called “Diet” soda may well be worse than the pure sugar water we call soda.

I say tax soda.  Tax ice cream.  Tax donuts.  Tax French fries.  Tax fat!  Establish designated areas where it is allowable to consume any of these products so others do not have to inhale second hand calories.  Make it politically correct to point at overweight people and shout, “Fat, fat, the water rat!”  Charge fat people extra to fly or take any public transportation. 

Let’s have a war against obesity.  Is that harsh?  Probably, but so is diabetes, so is arthritis, so are heart attacks, so is difficulty climbing stairs. 

Stop enabling fat people. 

I was a smoker for years.  I was a second class citizen for years.  No one pitied me for my affliction.  My addiction was not enabled, society made it worthwhile for me to suffer through months of withdrawal in order to not be a pariah.  I was bullied into not smoking, and it was for my own good. 

Don’t we owe fat people the same kind of social conditioning?

 

The preceding has been the opinion of a Cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

*For a more reasonable discussion on this topic from someone who actually knows what the hell he is talking about see Dr. Vinnie’s post:

http://doctorrwanda.blogspot.com/2013/06/heavy-matters.html  

EVEN MORE EMAILS TO CRANKY

EVEN MORE EMAILS TO CRANKY

Emails, I get emails, I get lots of funny emails

 

From FRAT BRO Squeak

Michelle Wie - pro golfer.

Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.

New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.

NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.

That handy gadget to hold your putter ....

Priceless!!!

From Lo @ http://loisstearns.blogspot.com

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another

dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's

interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's

happy to see you.

 

 

FROM BRENDA

 

 

 

FROM FRAT BRO FAST FREDDIE J.

How to tell time in Italy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHyRCeKxhss&feature=youtu.be Go ahead, it's safe.

 

FROM FRAT BRO MARTY K.

Is prostitution legal in Texas?  I don’t think so...but a good story anyway!

 

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

MT. VERNON , TEXAS WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response. the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening, when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
 

But late last week Jill Diamond , the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

 
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied any and all responsibility, or any connection to the building's destruction.
 
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case.   It appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!" 

 

 

FROM ARKANSAS LOU @ http://waitingtoemigrate.blogspot.com/
 

OLD FART PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

• Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment  They know the words and believe in them.
• Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
• If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement they will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
• Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
• Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
• Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
• It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
  
  This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values..
  
  We need them now more than ever.
  
  Thank God for Old Farts!
  
  Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders…..It's just getting harder to find them.

I guess I only qualify for part Old Fart

 

One more from Marty K.

The Miracle of Wine

Praise the Lord!

 

Keep 'em Coming Folks