The Masters - Stupid Golf Slang:

The Masters - Stupid Golf Slang:

I love golf.  I love to play; I love to watch it on TV.  What I don’t love is the stupid golf slang that announcers feel they are required to constantly use.

The MASTERS CHAMPIONSHIP starts tomorrow.  This is my favorite tournament.  Lots of people watch this event.  People who do not understand golf watch it simply because the venue is incredibly beautiful.  Perhaps this year TV announcers will recognize this fact and explain the game in terms that average people can understand.  Stop the cutesy crap!

PLEASE!

Golfers putt with a putter.  Stop calling it THE FLAT STICK.

The area that golfers want to land their drives is called the fairway.  Stop calling it THE SHORT GRASS.

Sand is in a sand trap, it is not the BEACH.  The grass in the rough is tall, but the rough is not called the tall grass.  It is called the ROUGH.  To play golf in Europe you cross the Atlantic Ocean.  It is not a THE POND.

Golfers start a hole hitting a driver, not THE BIG CLUB.  Errant shots land in the water hazard, not THE DRINK.

The announcer most guilty of abusing golf slang is Johnny Miller.  I play the game and I don’t know what the hell he is talking about most of the time.

I know what a chip is.  I know what a pitch and roll is.  Tell me Johnny, what the hell is a “Chunk and Run?”

“He just needs to feather it here.”  Feather it?  Tell me Johnny, what is feathering it?

“This is a spot where I like to just slow swing it.”  Huh?  What?

“These green are Augusta fast.” OK. I understand that one but then Mr. Miller follows with, “They are 13’s maybe 14’s.”  WHAT?  EXPLAIN Johnny EXPLAIN!

Here is a Johnny Miller statement that makes no sense at all.

“Tiger needs a win.  You don’t want to go from no wins to winning a Major, he needs a win” What the frick does that mean.  It almost makes sense until I start to think about it and then….no…It is just a stupid thing to say.

These are more Johnny Miller golf vomitisms I heard this past week:

“That was a little chunky.” (He didn’t hit the ball clean; he hit the ground a bit before he hit the ball.) 

“He got a draw with a fade wind; that is juicy there.” (He tried to curve the ball left into a cross wind.  Juicy?... I got nothing.)

“The wind is against him…well it’s a little greasy, but not that bad.” (I have no idea.)

“He is going to want to cozy-it down with an option to go clunk.”(He wants to make sure this putt does not go past the hole but wants to give it a chance to go in.  I know that is stupid but I think that is what he meant.) 

I know you understand the game like no one else Johnny, but could you please explain it in English?

Maybe I will have to cozy the volume down with an option to go click.

HEADLINES 040312

HEADLINES  040112 040212 040312

You think I would forget my weekly Headlines Post?  It is a day 2 days late, but here are my silly Headlines for the week and my stupid, sophomoric and occasionally offensive comments:

U.S. Rep. Brad Miller: ‘If Duke was playing the Taliban, I’d have to pull for the Taliban’ – The Taliban would definably be the underdogs since their 6’5” center was put on permanent disability by the Navy Seals.

New York City bans mention of dinosaurs, dancing, birthdays and more on student tests – If there were 15 kids at a birthday party and Barney the dinosaur danced with eight of them how many….oh I can’t use that…sorry.

'Aggressive' parents force cancellation of Colorado town's Easter Egg hunt – See what happens when they keep score.

Bride Postpones Wedding So Pet Lizard George Can Get Chemotherapy - Thought long and hard on this one but…I got nothing (A Whoop-Tee-Doo will be rewarded to anyone with a clever comment.)

Russian hopefuls wrestle for Olympic Gold – I think they should earn the gold like every other countries athletes.   

More cowbell! Vermonters planning world’s largest cowbell ensemble- Wow! And people thought Woodstock was wild.

Americans angry with Obama over gas prices – They also want lower prices on coffee, orange juice and movie tickets.  “What the hell did we elect the guy for?”

Apollo 11 Booster Found by Amazon's Jeff Bezos – Soon to be offered on-line: 2 for $39.99

An eagle, fox and two cats hang out peacefully on Alaska woman’s porch- So the eagle turns to the fox and says. “Even though I think you’re foxy and those two look like cool cats, I don’t think this place is for the birds so I'm gonna fly.”  (OK, that’s lame, submit a better one and win a Whoop-Tee-Doo)

Canada to pull the penny from circulation – They’ll have to find it first!

California woman blames McDonald's for forcing her into prostitution- “You want arise with that?”  Woman also sues Mayor McSleeze and Ronald McPimp.  

Related Stories: For a good time call “Wendy’s” / Lowest prices at Way Too “Friendly’s” / Cum into “Jack-in-the-Box” (that one is a little too crude sorry...it's the Tourettes)

Kashmir activist sentenced to 2 years in Virginia – Originally was sentenced to 2 years in New Jersey, but he got the lesser sentence by accepting a plea.

Mother faces contempt, jail for baptizing children – A quick sprinkle is recommended; a three minute dunk might be misinterpreted by the law.

William Ayers: 'I get up every morning thinking ... today I'm gonna end capitalism' – “But then I get a headache trying to figure out how to price all that shit.”

TRAYVON MARTIN was not an angel

TRAYVON MARTIN was not an angel

By now everyone knows the story.  February 26, a 17 year old black teen was coming back from a store to his fathers home.  He was carrying a bag of skittles and a soda.  The young man was cutting through yards, wearing a hoodie style sweatshirt, the preferred apparel of hoodlums.  He was unarmed.

George Zimmerman, a white man (half Hispanic) was on neighborhood watch.  There had been break-ins in the area and Zimmerman was looking for suspicious people.

Trayvon appeared to be suspicious.  A black teen in a predominantly white neighborhood cutting through yards in a jacket designed to cover his identity is suspicious.  Zimmerman rightly called into 911 to report a suspicious person.  He was told not to follow the stranger, the police would come; the police would handle it.

Zimmerman followed Trayvon.  At some point there was a confrontation.  Trayvon was shot and killed.  Zimmerman was questioned, released, and remains free based on a Florida law which allows deadly force if someone’s life is in danger.

Groups around the country are demanding Zimmerman’s arrest.  The shooting of a young black teen by a white man seems to be clearly racist and people are demanding justice.

Trayvon was no angel.  He was out of school, suspended for possession of traces of marijuana. Schools do not check angels for traces of marijuana.  He also had a history of fighting and clearly was not the kind of kid to back down from a confrontation.

Trayvon was no angel.  Trayvon should be alive today to perhaps grow up into a productive citizen.  Lots of seventeen year olds are not angels.  Most of them grow up and become productive citizens.  Many of our brave military men today were no angels at seventeen.  Many of our police and firefighters were not angels at seventeen.  It is part of the personality trait of heroes.  Many start out as tough kids with a chip on their shoulders.  They ought not to be shot at seventeen.

I don’t think George Zimmerman is a racist.  I think he is a wannabe hero who also has a chip on his shoulder.  Why did he continue to follow Trayvon?  Why did he carry a gun?  Approaching a potential criminal takes training.  Police know how to stop and question someone without causing a confrontation.  Zimmerman obviously did not.

Apparently Zimmerman and Trayvon got into an altercation of some sort.  Was Trayvon concerned that Zimmerman was a threat to him: a white guy calling out "hey you?"  Probably.  By what authority did Zimmerman have to follow Trayvon?  None.

If the police had been allowed to do their job, they would have stopped Trayvon in a non-threatening way; they would have asked a few questions and maybe escorted him to his father's house to confirm his story.  They would have ended the incident with “Sorry to have bothered you; you have a nice day now.” 

Trayvon and his father would have thought the stop an example of racism and to an extent would probably be correct, but Trayvon would be alive to grow perhaps into a troubled adult, more probably into a productive citizen.

This whole incident is a tragedy.  It is a tragedy for Mr. Zimmerman.  I am sure he wishes he could have that day back.   Whether he is ultimately arrested or not, his life is and will remain a mess.  I don’t think he is a bad or evil man; I think he is a stupid man with a hero complex. 

Should Mr. Zimmerman be arrested and be charged with a crime.  I don’t know.  All the facts are not in.  With all the publicity I am sure that his actions will not be whitewashed. 

Regardless of the outcome for Mr. Zimmerman, I hope this tragedy will help assure that police actions are taken by trained police, and not armed untrained self-appointed vigilantes with a hero complex.

It is not surprising that subway vigilante Bernard Getz pulled his gun and fired when in a confrontation.  It is not surprising that George Zimmerman pulled and fired his gun when Trayvon apparently challenged his authority. 

There is a reason that most police officers retire without ever discharging their weapon while on duty.