How To Appear Intelligent
It may
surprise some of my readers to know that the Cranky Old Man is not too bright.
I suspect (my excuse) for not being particularly bright is
a combination of ADD and OCD, with a touch of Tourette’s; afflictions that did
not exist when I was at the diagnosable age.
Like anyone
with a disability I have learned to survive.
The
abilities of the blind or deaf often more than exceed those of people without
such handicaps. People somehow learn to develop
ways to overcome and excel even with such incredible disadvantages.
So can the unintelligent
learn to disguise their stupidity.
It has taken
me years to learn some of these stupidity-hiding tricks.
I am thus imparting
my knowledge of how to appear knowledgeable for the younger generation of…you
know…not smart people. For most of you
this is either not needed or it is too late.
Perhaps your children and or grandchildren can benefit.
The first
rule is never answer a question with
“Gee I
have no idea.”
Always offer
an answer.
The trick is
to offer an answer that appears intelligent even when wrong. When you learn the correct answer you respond,
“Oh yes,
that’s right…I knew that!”
I offer
several answers to topics where an incorrect guess will at least sound like you
are knowledgeable.
For instance,
the answer to almost any complicated math question on “Jeopardy” is
“Negative
1” or
“Zero.”
I have no
idea why this is, but math questions are generally trick questions and if the
answer is not either “Negative 1” or “Zero.” At least it looks like you know
something.
If it is obvious
that either of these answers could not possible be correct, then answer,
“A Prime
Number.”
I don’t know
what that is either, but it is often the correct math answer.
The answer
to the always asked literary question,
“What was
the theme to this book/play/story/poem” is almost always,
“Man’s
inhumanity to man!”
In my
experience this is almost always the correct answer; if it is not, at least the
professor will respond with,
“Ah…no…but
I can see where you are going with that…possibly it could be a sub-theme."
Even the
professor will not argue with your answer as it sounds so well thought out and knowledgeable.
When
questioned about a large bird flying overhead the correct answer is,
“Looks
like a red-tail hawk.”
Does not matter
if you are wrong, that answer just smacks of you knowing stuff instead of,
“Gee I
have no idea.”
A question
about chemistry…
“Hydrogen” is correct more often than not.
The reason
for all wars ever fought is either
“Money” or “Religion.” Either one is
always correct.
A question
about English monarchy…
“George
the Third.” The correct answer is usually a George, and
if your number is off it is still a good guess.
Of course, if it is a queen then “Mary” is the answer.
Which pope…?
“Pius V.”
A question
about Shakespeare…
“A
Midsummer Night’s Dream” is the answer that appears the most knowledgeable when wrong.
When fly
fishing, always declare that any fish you catch,
“Fought
like a brownie!”
No true
fisherman will ever dispute this response.
Always blame
a poor shot in bowling on,
“The oil
pattern is changing.”
Any sport.
“A good
defense always beats a good offense.”
If you spell
a word incorrectly,
“I was
using the English version.”
A question
about an early US President…? Go with John Quincy Adams. An obscure President? Answer Millard
Fillmore. You should know the 20th century Presidents, but if
unsure best try Woodrow Wilson.
Well, you
get the idea, never answer
“Gee I have
no idea.”
A really bad
guess somewhat on topic always gives you that aura of intellect to disguise the
fact that you just might be stupid.
Why will
people accept these usually wrong answers as indications of knowledge?
I have no idea.
Hum, now you are making me think my Dad wasn't as smart as I thought he was. I saw a lot of his answers in your examples. He always gave the answer with such conviction that we never questioned him.
ReplyDeleteYou are quite bright to have picked up on this.
ReplyDeletePreface such an answer with, "If I'm remembering correctly, it's..." and you will be forgiven any incorrect answer. It's obvious that you simply forgot for the moment, that's all.
"Even a fool is counted wise if he keeps his mouth shut." Proverbs 17:28
I tried that tactic in 3rd grade, but unfortunately answered with "Millard Highlife." I think many of my cronies thought it sounded correct, but the teacher didn't buy it.
ReplyDeleteI usually start with "I read somewhere that..." and then I rabbit on about things vaguely pertaining to the question. The real trick is to say things with conviction, so others are more inclined to believe you.
ReplyDeletewell you have proved by writing this post that you are bright dear Joe
ReplyDeletei enjoyed all the advices you gave here and an ignorant person like me ca be benefited lot from it :)
...or Red Winged Blackbird, and Warren G. Harding
ReplyDeleteWise guidance you are providing since head nodding but saying nothing doesn't always work.
ReplyDeleteHmmm now me thinks the husband isn't as intelligent as he sounds.
ReplyDeleteI guess "Gee, I'll get back to you on that" isn't a good answer? I do love the ones you've posted and as I've aged I realize I'm actually a good guesser, fly by the seat of my pants..er...and I also have learned in the operating room to never tell the surgeon "I've never done this surgery before"...just pretend and it usually comes out OK and you look much smarter than you actually are.
ReplyDeleteI have Adult ADHD and OCD too and my bullshit answers are never questioned either, it's not like anyone is gonna research if they asked me in the first place.
ReplyDelete