Padiddle

 

Padiddle

The other night while driving to our bowling league, we passed a car with one headlight out.  I said to Mrs. C,

“That could be dangerous, looks like a motorcycle until you get close.”

“Yep; have you ever heard of a padiddle?”

“Padiddle?  You know about a padiddle? I thought that was just a local thing from way back when.”

“My mom used to call them out, if you call a padiddle you can make a wish.”

“When we saw one, you could kiss your girl, or if you were with a guy, you punched him on the arm. I haven’t heard the term in a zillion years.”

Later, of course, I Googled “Padiddle.”

Padiddle, alternatively spelled pediddle or perdiddle, is a Canadian and American slang term for a vehicle with a burnt-out headlight

Unfortunately, there is no official source or record that explains the exact meaning and origin of Padiddle. Its earliest appearances are in the 1940s, when mentions of the activity appeared in Archie comic strips...

Padiddle wasn’t originally a point-based family game, It was a way for young lovebirds who were driving around town to exchange kisses.

There are various padiddle rules, like yelling out “Padiddle” and punching the car roof or a window when you spot one.  The first to yell it out and punch the roof gets a point. Some people kept score earning points on a long trip. 

I think the game would be pretty boring today, I almost never see a car with a burned-out headlight.  It used to be quite common.  I guess they make headlights more long-lasting these days.

Maybe I just don’t notice like I used to.  I don’t need a padiddle to kiss Mrs. C.

 

 

 

 

Eh, What’s Up Doc

 

 Eh, What’s Up Doc

They’re quitting, that’s what’s up. 

I just read an article about healthcare workers leaving due to the stress and pressure of the Covid pandemic.  I see this myself  locally, and not just with front line hospital workers, it is effecting everyone in the industry.

My regular GP, over twenty years, recently closed his practice.  Except for the dreaded “bend-over exam” I  used to almost look forward to yearly visits with the doctor.  He was always upbeat, made jokes and took my ribbing back at him.  Also a damn good doctor from what I could tell.

A few months after the pandemic hit, much of his staff left, taking the unemployment benefits, and or just overworked and stressed out.  The doctor and what was left of his staff were no longer upbeat, but surly and dare I say cranky.  There was bad attitude in the office.

Several weeks after my last visit I received notice that the practice was closing.  I’m pretty sure the Doc had several years left before normal retirement age, except for what he went through with Covid. 

This was a GP, I can only imagine the extra stress of those in the hospital watching patient after patient suffer, needing to deal with their families, all while they were mostly helpless in defeating the virus.

It took several tries for me to find a new GP.  Doctors were not taking new patients. I did finally find one, and I do like him, but when Mrs. C needed an appointment, his practice was no longer taking new patients.

She did fine a practice that would take her, but I think the traditional doctor’s office will soon be replaced by medical factories where you get a different doctor every visit and nobody knows your name. 

The personal relationship between doctor and patient, where personalities and past history are important in care and diagnosis will soon disappear. 

It was probably on the way out anyway, but thank Covid for speeding the exit.  

The Wizard of OZ, an allegory

 

The Wizard of OZ, an allegory

Mrs. C is a really big fan of “The Wizard of Oz.” There is a wall in one half of my man cave that I allow her to display her 20 different “Wizard of Oz” plates framing a poster of Dorothy and her three friends on the yellow brick road. 

I like the movie, so I allow the display.

This Christmas one station broadcast this movie in a loop all day long and Mrs. C stayed glued to that channel.  It reminded me of a visitor a few years back who had to explain the real meaning of the movie to us.

This sort of friend, then acquaintance and now stranger was invited to dinner one night as he was alone and Mrs. C has a way of taking in the lonely from time to time, a way which I have tried unsuccessfully to divert.

While showing this person our home he had to comment on the “Wizard of Oz” wall.

“You know of course, that the movie was really an allegory on the corruption of capitalism and the benefits of communism don’t you?”

“Why no, I/we don’t.”

He went on to explain how every part of the movie, the Capitalist bad witches, the Communist good witches, the false god of following the yellow brick road (gold you know) and the Wizard who represented Blah…Blah…Blah.  Everything had some inner meaning of battling economic ideals.

And I thought it was just some sweet movie of a little girl saving her dog from a nasty old crone.

There is a locker room saying, “some people could even ruin a wet dream.”  Not a very proper or descriptively pretty saying, but it does make a point.

This guy could sure ruin a good movie.

I’ve since done some research on the allegory of “The Wizard of Oz” and found several interpretations.

The silver slippers (They were silver in the original book, changed to ruby for the color in the movie)and yellow brick road represented some economic issues of the time the story was written.  There is the capitalism/communism interpretation, there is a farmer vs industrialization with the scarecrow representing the farmer, the tin man industry and the cowardly lion Williams Jennings Bryant.  Apparently some smart people can find a way to make this movie about anything they find to be important.

Seems to me that if a story is interpreted multiple ways, it is either a lousy allegory, or people are just looking for stuff that isn't there.  An allegory shouldn't slap you in the face, but it should be subliminally understood in one specific way, or what is the point?

Anyway...

I’ve always wondered with this or any story, does the author always have an underlying theme? (I know, theme and allegory not exactly the same, but close enough for this post.)

In school, English literary teachers always had the same question for every novel or play ever written, “What was the authors theme to this story?”

Does a story have to have a theme? 

Does an author really sit down and think,

“What story can I tell that will make people be nice to their neighbors and eat all their vegetables?”

I don’t think so.  I believe most authors think,

“Hey, I have an idea for a really good story!”

Anyway I did learn in my Literary/English courses in school that the answer to “What was the authors theme” was always,

“Man’s inhumanity to man!”  

I never really understood what that answer means, but it always got a “Very good” nod from my teachers.  

So what is the story of “The Wizard of Oz” really about?  

It seems really smart people can make it about almost anything. 

It could be another example of “Man’s inhumanity to man” or as Sigmund Freud once responded about the sexual significance of a cigar in a dream,

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!”     

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!

 

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!

It’s The Best Celebration Ever

I agree it is over commercialized and the religious significance of the day is often lost, but hands down, Christmas is the best Holiday Celebration ever!

Jews have their gift giving during Chanukah, and they have some really great feasts, but do they have a celebration to equal Christmas?

Chinese New Year’s has colors, costumes, and fireworks galore.  It looks like fun, but it is not Christmas.

I am clearly not an expert in other customs and celebrations, but it seems to me that most involve sacrifice.  I see a lot of fasting, staying inside, beating yourself with chains and other stuff.  Sacrifice is fine, I imagine God appreciates the sentiment, but there is no other holiday like Christmas. 

What other holiday has children counting down the days for a month?  What other holiday covers homes and streets with bright flickering lights?  What other holiday just makes people feel good, has them smiling, and has strangers speaking to strangers? What other holiday has the traditions: Santa, reindeer, decorating a tree, mistletoe, stockings, elves, cookies, candy canes, a huge dinner and GIVING AND RECEIVING PRESENTS?

Christmas brings families together like no other holiday, plus,

YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE PRESENTS!

I understand that Christmas is a Christian holiday, but it is such a good time, such a great celebration, so much fun, I think everyone should celebrate the season.

You don’t believe in Jesus?  Fine, but you gotta like lights, and peace and love and GIVING AND RECEIVING PRESENTS!

You don’t accept Christ?  You don’t worship any higher power? Fine, but everyone can celebrate the ideals of Christ. Who wouldn’t celebrate the idea of peace and love and goodwill toward men?  Do unto others is a sound aspiration regardless of if or how you worship.

So I say to everyone, Jew, Muslim, Hindi, Atheist…whatever, join in the celebration, do not be left out, it is the most wonderful time of the year, it is the best celebration ever, and YOU GIVE AND GET PRESENTS!!

To me “Merry Christmas” represents more than the birth of Christ, it represents all that Christ stands for to Christians, ideals that do not conflict with any religious teachings I’ve ever heard of, ideals that all people could get behind and thus Christmas can be for everyone.

You don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.  

You don’t have to be Mexican to enjoy a Cinco de Mayo drink or three. 

Why do you have to be Christian to enjoy Christmas?

So please, if you are not Christian, do not be offended when I wish you Merry Christmas, you don’t have to be Christian to enjoy Christmas!

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!

A Christmas re-run

A Brand New Car!!

 A Brand New Car!!

It is Christmas Time, I know by all the commercials I see of Brand New Cars in the driveway with giant ribbons on them; presents for the dutiful wife.

Oh, she is so surprised, so happy.  All the neighbor wives are jealous and all the neighbor husbands will be sleeping on the couch.  What a great generous present.

Really?

Mrs. C just watched this year’s first Brand New Car commercial and informed me that if I ever surprised her with a Brand New Car with a ribbon out in the driveway she would, in the words of my Grandma Gus “Crown Me.”  Why?

“First of all, if we need and can afford a Brand New Car, I want to be part of picking it out, the make, style, color and accessories…NOT YOU!

Secondly, the Brand New Car (or brand new used car) Christmas present is the grown-up version of socks.  You’re going to need them anyway, might as well make it Christmas present."

Think about it, the Brand New Car Christmas present is only for people that are so rich that it is no big deal, or for people that absolutely need a Brand New Car and go into hock for it.  Might as well throw a ribbon on it and call it a present.  Most women I know would think you are a cheapskate who simply dodged getting an actual Christmas present for their wife.

All of this brings me to a famous family story which is told in one of my books that you will never read and in fact I discourage anyone from reading. 

“The Christmas MG.”

It was 1955.  My father always drooled over the classic MG TF sports car.  However, with three children not yet in high school the classic MG TF sports car would be completely impractical, and the expense as a second car was out of the question.  Still a man can dream, and my pop clearly dreamed of motoring to work in a top down classic MG TF sports car.

On Christmas that year, any presents for my dad were hidden away.  He watched contentedly as his wife and three boys joyfully tore through their presents.  When all was done he asked,

“Isn’t there a present for your dear old dad?”

“Oh, yes there is, we saved it for last.  It is in the garage.”

Dad grew noticeably excited and you could see running through his head,

“Is it possible?  But we can’t afford this.  I mean I want it, but it is not practical and how will we pay for it?  Maybe they’ve been saving their allowance and grocery money for a few years.”

So, dad went to the garage still too stunned to think logically and he had the belief that just maybe, somehow, there would be a Brand New MG TF sports car in the garage.

And there was. 

In the middle of the empty garage was an 8-inch model of the very MG TF classic sports car my father so coveted.  My brother yelled out,

“Oh no, it shrunk!  I knew we should have had it Sandforized (giyp)!”

Oh yes, we all had a good laugh at dear old dad’s expense, and he took it well.  He smiled, claimed “You almost got me” and then went back inside to open his real presents which were hidden in a closet.

Yes, he took it well, but he never again got the same gleam in his eye when he saw an MG TF sports car.  It was a great gag, but he not only lost a car, he lost a dream. 

I don't know what happened to the toy model...I never saw it again.

Sorry Dad…it was Jim and Chris’ idea.

Years later when I turned 18, I spent $200 and dad threw in another $600 so I could own a used 1958 MGA sports car.  I think dad lived part of his dream through that car.

My Dad and a young Cranky

A Christmas re-run!

TEST, TEST, TEST

 

TEST, TEST, TEST

 

Just as we thought this thing might go away it is back with a vengeance.  Well, it is contagious as Hell (is Hell contagious? I hope not).  There is some hope that it is less virulent, and apparently not too dangerous if you are vaccinated and or have some immunity from previous infection.  We won't know that for a few weeks.

Anyway, what is the governments solution?

Test, Test, Test! 

At least they are not calling for contact tracing.  I’m pretty sure that if contact tracing was remotely feasible, then 98% of the country would have to go into 14-day quarantine.  I think that ship, which might be effective with other contagions, has sailed with this one.  (No, I am not a doctor but I have been watching a lot of “ER” reruns lately.)

So, Test, Test, Test. 

If you live in NYC and you want to visit friends or family this Christmas you are recommended to test first so you do not infect others.

There are lines around the block in NYC and other places to get a Covid test.  Let me analyze this as an uneducated blockhead who had to cheat to pass Biology 1 in college.

There is a virus that has almost no early symptoms that is, according to pundits, “a tsunami” of infection.  We have learned that the old Delta was reasonably safe outdoors.  This new variant maybe not so much. We won't know for a few weeks.  

So…in order to be safe we now need a test where you line up nose to nose with hundreds of people waiting to get tested because they think they may have a virus that is extremely contagious!

Test, Test, Test? 

That sounds like a 24/7 super-spreader event to me.

New Yorkers Standing in line:

“Yo, how you doin?”

“Not too bad…ah-chew! Probably just a little cold, or maybe a deadly virus, one or the other, that’s why I’m standing in line with all these other maybe infected people to find out.  How about you.”

“Me…I’m good, I’m just waiting to get tested to be sure I don’t have anything so I won’t give it to others.”

“So, you’re standing in line with potentially infectious people to see if you are infected so you can visit with other people who may or may not be infected so you don’t infect them if you are infected?”

“Yeah.”

“You know that you won’t get the results for at least two days, and if you got infected standing in this line with potentially infected people it won’t show in your test results from today.”

“So, then even if I test negative, I won’t really know for sure, and I might actually get infected without knowing because I stood in this line with hundreds of possibly infected people?”

“That’s how I (cough cough) see it.”

“So, after I test today, I should test again tomorrow to make sure I did not get infected today by standing in line with hundreds of possibly infected people?”

“Yes, if you want to be safe. But of course, you still won’t know because you might get infected waiting in that line.”

“The heck with that, I’m going home.”

“Well, you’d better quarantine yourself for 14 days just to be safe.”

Test, Test, Test… the new government mantra.  

Makes sense to me!

 

 

  

 

Light Rewards

 

Light Rewards

Our little community of around 170 townhome units has a Christmas Light decoration contest every year, or at least for the past two years.

Mrs. C who does not know to take two steps back when volunteers are asked for, has been one of the judges both years. 

Judging is difficult, most people do not go too overboard in decorating, and it is of course very subjective.  Some units have very little front to decorate, others much more.  Do you reward those with more property to decorate?  Some people use those projector things to cover their home with twinkling lights.  They take about two seconds to set up, do you take away for lack of effort? 

It is not always easy to judge fairly.

In the end, who really gives a dang?  The winners get a five dollar gift card to Walmart and a tiny bit of recognition.  Not particularly important.

The lady that runs the contest, a very nice lady who puts in quite a bit of effort in the process, is a big believer in fairness.

Mrs. C was just informed that this years second place winner would not get recognized because that home won first place last year.  The top judge believes in giving recognition to others.  So instead of coming in second, that home is fourth and gets no Walmart gift card.  The number four home moves up to third.  No one will actually know this except the judges and, like I said, the process is very (that’s super in young people talk) subjective, so what is the difference?

Well there is no difference except, to me, this is a microcosm of our world of fairness and inclusiveness today. 

The best player on a kids soccer team only gets one MVP of the game every year.  Spread the accolades around…it’s a self-esteem thing don’t you know.

Bad scores on a test? Scale them up so everyone passes.  A bad grade will keep you out of college and ruin your life forever.  It is better to pass than learn math.

Finish last in a race? Your participation trophy is made out of the same plastic and the same size as the winners.  Everyone is happy…right?

Well the kids know who scored all the goals game in and game out, they know the real MVP.  They do learn that being the best is not that important. 

The kids know their math sucks, they assume math is meaningless.

Everyone knows who finished first, they also learn that striving to be the best has no extra reward, in fact those who are born with special skills or ability should probably slow down a bit to let everyone have a chance.

It is only a stupid Christmas Light contest.  Just a few people give a fig about the results.  I wonder though, if everyone knew that part of winning was to have not won before, would the decorating effort diminish as the years go on.  Would Christmas in the neighborhood eventually be celebrated with changing porch lights from white to red or green?

Probably not, and who cares anyway? Just cranky old men who fear the only way for everything to be fair is if everyone gets nothing…except maybe those that get to decide what is fair.

May your days be happy and bright, (but no happier or brighter than your neighbors), and may all you Christmas’s be equally white.  

Cranky Old Man's Tips on Household Chores

 Cranky Old Man's Tips on Household Chores

(Ladies, some of this may seem sexist; please do not read this blog!)

As I am now retired, it is increasingly difficult to avoid household chores.  If I have to do these chores, at least I will do them my way.  For all of you other retired cranky old retired men facing the same requirement to do household chores I offer these tried and true tips:

Laundry – Women have been indoctrinated in the belief that you must separate whites from colors when doing the wash.  They learned this at a young age and the indoctrination is so strong that no woman has ever dared to experiment.

The truth is that except for the first two washings, colored items can be mingled with the whites.  The whites will remain white, the colors will not bleed.  I repeat, there is no need to separate the colors when doing a wash load.  Not separating the colors saves time and money.

Men….if your wife is monitoring your laundering, you must separate the colors.  She will never believe the above axiom even if you demonstrate it for her.  She will see bleeding whether it exists or not. 

You must only fail to separate when she is not watching.

In fact, every once in a while I recommend you take a new purple shirt and mix it with an old crappy white tee shirt.

“Damn!!  What happened?”

“Oh Sweetheart, you poor stupid thing; don’t you know not to mix colors with whites?”

“Oops, I forgot.  Sorry.”

This will make your spouse feel extra important, and maybe get you out of occasional laundry duty.

Dishes – Doing dishes is a relatively easy chore if you remember just a few things. 

1.     You will never be able to load a dishwasher correctly.  You must just load it and run it before the inspector tries to squeeze in an extra knife or dish.

2.    If you do not want to get caught with inadequate dishwasher loading, you must unload as soon as the washer is done.

3.    If you do not know where a dish goes, do not put it away.  It is better to leave it for your wife than to try and remember where you put it two weeks later.

4.    Do not touch the Tupperware.  You could safely put Tupperware in the dishwasher, but there is a prevailing belief among women that this will spoil the seal and ruin the burp.  Do not challenge this belief.

5.    Every once and a while, put a dish in the washer without adequately scraping off the morning’s dried egg yolk.  Put the dish away even though the egg did not come off in the wash.  This will keep the illusion that you are helpless without the inspector wife.  She will appreciate this in the long run.

Vacuuming – This one is a bit tougher.  Women demand that a freshly vacuumed carpet have vacuum lines.  I don’t know why, just accept it.  It is perfectly OK to vacuum willy-nilly but when finished, you must quickly go over everything to leave the correct lines.  Sometimes if I have time, as a goof, I put in criss-cross lines.  The criss-cross lines subliminally reminds a women of the lines in a grass football or baseball field.  This disturbs most women and they do not know why. 

Hey, they do stuff like that to us, we just don’t know it!

When vacuuming, do not think you don’t have to vacuum under stuff.  These places will be the first areas the inspector wife will check.

Making the bed – Unless you were in the service, do not even attempt this chore.  Bed making can never be done to a women’s standard.

Dusting – Please!! Do not stoop this low.  If you have to dust, do it in a skirt!

Ironing – Don’t fall for this, even women don’t iron any more.

Washing the floors – Spray the floor with Windex, put on an old pair of white socks, get a mop and a folded up sock and play floor hockey for about twenty minutes.

Cleaning the Bathroom – Windex on everything.  Wipe clean with a paper towel.  Use bleach to rid any mold from shower curtains and the tub.  Remember, no matter how much you clean, there are little hairs floating around all bathrooms waiting for you to be finished before they fall to the ground.  Your wife will find them no matter what you do, just be prepared to apologize.

These are my little tricks, now get the fuck out of the house and go play golf!

Hey lady, don’t get angry, I told you not to read this blog!

OK, I confess this is a re-run from 2011.  I'm getting lazy, and cable TV gets away with re-runs all the time!

Christmas Smells

 

Christmas Smells

Now I know that Christmas is not far away.  I just noticed my first “Smell” commercial.  They’ve probably been going on for a while, I only just noticed.

Christmas “Smells” sell.  They sell especially as the day comes near and spouses and or boyfriend/girlfriends start the last minute gift panic.  Apparently you can’t go wrong giving Christmas “Smells.”

I say “Smells” because they have so many names.  Christmas “Smells” are called perfume, parfum, cologne, after shave and (I never understood this one) TOILET WATER!

I believe that perfume is for ladies, parfum is for fancy ladies, cologne is for men, after shave is for teenage boys that don’t shave yet.  TOILET WATER must be for someone you don’t really like.

It seems to me that lately people do not use perfume, parfum, cologne, after shave very much anymore, but these “Smells” are still an easy quick last second gift.

The receiver can gush “Oh, this is my favorite smell” (“fragrance” if it is parfum) and never have to use the stuff.  The gift proves that the giver cares and the receiver is happy to just know that.  The actual gift can always be part of next year’s office “Secret Santa.”

I have done some research and it turns out there are 1273 different perfume, parfum, cologne, after shave’s and TOILET WATER’s on the market, so there must be a lot of last minute gift buying panic every year. 

Does anyone buy this crap during the rest of the year?

The commercials never sell the “Smell” they sell the mood or the moment. 

Good looking people in exotic places smile, while the wind makes their clothes flow seductively. 

“’Ode de Expensive’ by Lancalm, because she knows you care!”

Or

A dude marching through the woods in hunting gear.

“’Buckskin’ because he is a real man!”

You never see a commercial of an average looking couple walking hand and hand

“’Coverup’ because people like people that smell good!”

Who wears these smells these days?

I know teenage boys wear the stuff.  That’s because teenage girls while practicing flirting will ask them, “What is that you are wearing, it smells yummy.” They know it doesn’t, but what else do you say when learning how to flirt?

Teenage boys believe them, and being boys, decide that if a little smells yummy, a lot will send the ladies over the moon.  Fortunately it is all just a phase.

Point is, I don’t think most people use the stuff anymore.  At least I don’t notice it these days, and it used to be overpowering.

Still, Christmas “Smells” must sell like crazy, because all 1273 brands are all over the TV this time of the year.

I might send some to my ex-wives.  Just to show I do have some class, I will flush before I fill the bottle.

 

TEE SHIRTS

 

TEE SHIRTS

 

I haven’t posted in a week or more and a few people (ok one) have actually inquired as to my health. 

Thank you for caring.

Anyway, I have not posted as I have nothing to post about, so I decided to try an old trick and just pick a random item to post on.  My eye went to a pile of Tee shirts from the laundry that I was supposed to fold, so the random item is TEE SHIRTS.

Shit, what a crappy subject to post on.  Let’s see…hmmm.

First thing that comes to mind are tee shirts with statements on them.  What is it with people who wear a shirt that says stuff like;

“It’s OK if you don’t like me…not everyone has good taste”?

Kind of funny, but when you look and read what the tee shirt says, you get hit with,

“What are you staring at?”

I mean if you don’t want me reading your stupid shirt, don’t wear a shirt that makes a statement!

Some tee shirts are funny.  The first time I saw an “I’m with stupid” shirt, I thought it was really funny.  The next ten times…not so much.  A funny tee shirt does not mean you have a good sense of humor, it means someone with a good sense of humor sold you a tee shirt.

Mrs. C is a big Disney World fan.  She is a Disney Vacation Club Member.  I have been known to be a bit cranky, and or grumpy.  She has bought me about 12 tee shirts that are “Grumpy” related. Clever sayings like.

“I had fun once; it was awful.”

I can’t wear any of those shirts in public without someone making a comment.   I ask them,

“What are you starring at?”

Here is another thing about tee shirts.  When you run them through the washer and dryer, they always end up inside-out.  Folding them is a pain in the butt as you have to outside-in them first.  If you put them through the washing machine inside out, they stay that way!

What the heck is up with that.  Like are the missing socks messing with the tee shirts before going into hiding again?

Another thing about tee shirts…

Aw, I got nothing.  359 words is all I've got on tee shirts. 

Anyway, it’s a post; I’m just fine.

Still cranky!