HALLOWEEN STORY

 

Looking for a Halloween post idea, I found this story from the mind of a ten-year-old Cranky young boy.  How it made the archives of school crap my mom saved I have no idea.  I submit it unchanged from 65 years ago...my spelling has improved a little, but then there was no-spell check in 1956.

MY WEIRD BROTHER

Most of the time on Halloween night I have fun but this year I had to take my brother Melvin out.  I always thought he was weird but tonight he proved it.  When we knocked at the first door My brother turned to me drulling and his fangs grew.  I told him to stop playing but he only tried to bite me.  This could cause preblums, after all what would you do if your brother was a were-wolf.  I ran home and told mom but didn’t believe me, she just kept saying stop joking and have a piece of candy.  Their wasn’t any thing to do so I took the candy and ran.  As I left the house I saw my brother he was normal again.  I took him to the police and told them of my proplum and suggested they take him to the zoo or something but they only said gowan home kid.  As I left the police station I turned and my brother almost bit my nose off  Hear we go again.  After an hour of chaceing around I went into my house again.  I pleaded whith my mother to take Melven to the zoo or something like that.  But she only gave me anouther piece of candy.  Now this was getting serous , after all Melven was chaseing around and mom was handing candy around.  But it was good so I took it and ran again.  After a while it was twelve oclock and my brother was normal again.  After that I got out of bed and got some candy but it was not nearly as good as in the dream.

I found myself in bed it was all a dream.

(Most of young Cranky’s stories seem to end up as a dream.)

TERRIFIED!

 

TERRIFIED!

 

I read recently a man say his wife was “Frozen in fear” at a restaurant because she did not know what pronoun to use in regards to the waiter/tress/waitperson.

This does seem to be a bit of a dilemma, and I can understand her concern (actually I can’t) I think “frozen in fear” is a bit extreme, but that is just me.

A commercial for the Democratic New Jersey Governor has a woman claiming if the opponent wins, she would be “Terrified.”

I almost decided to change my vote just to see if she would actually be “terrified.”

The Washington “Redskins” changed their name to “Football Team.” The Cleveland “Indians” changed their name to the “Guardians.”  “Redskins” might a bit offensive, “Indians” to me not so much.  I have been a guardian to my children, should I be offended to have a baseball team named “Guardians”? I’m confused.  I hope Washington finds a better name, maybe “Legislators,” that is a terrifying group.

The Atlanta “Braves” are not changing their name yet.  They don’t have an offensive “Wahoo” native American logo so they may be OK.  I mean how is “Braves” offensive to anyone.  I would be offended if they changed to “Cowards!” The A Aw A AW AW chop chant might be offensive to Native Americans, not sure;  I think it is really cool.

PETA has a problem with the word “Bullpen” to describe where baseball pitchers warm up.  They want to change the name to “Arm Barn.”  I think “Arm Barn” is a bit degrading to pitchers…NO? YES? The name Bullpen comes from an area behind a “BULL DURHAM” tobacco ad many eons ago.  Has nothing to do with bulls…so…

How about everyone have their preferred pronoun pinned to their chest.  I don’t want any one “Frozen in fear” over my pronoun.  I choose my pronoun to be “Whatever.”  Is that even a pronoun?  It is now, don’t argue and offend me.

If I ran into a Grizzly Bear in the woods, I would be terrified and maybe even frozen in fear.  Pronouns and elected officials just do not elicit that kind of effect on me.  Maybe I need sensitivity training.

If we get this pronoun thing figured out, will you feel better?  Do political candidates have you terrified? Are you offended by sports teams mascot names? Do you worry about words that may degrade animals?

I am probably just jaded (is that offensive? Where did that term come from?)...uh oh it comes from overworking a horse…sorry PETA.

I am probably just uncaring, but these things never have and do not now bother me. 

The thought of a country filled with people worrying about pronouns, offensive sports mascots and upsetting animals with words does actually terrify me.

Our enemies just might be a little tougher than we are. 

Pronoun worrying, mascot name concerning, animal rights fanatics, probably would not be quite up to defending real freedoms and rights from mean people with bad intentions.

TO JAB OR NOT TO JAB, THAT IS THE QUESTION

 

TO JAB OR NOT TO JAB, THAT IS THE QUESTION

                                                                                 

    

MANDATORY PRE-POST STATEMENT

Along with “Our thoughts and prayers”, “Thank you for your service”, and “Not that there is anything wrong with that”; I am required to state:

Covid-19 vaccines are safe, free, and readily available, I am fully vaccinated and recommend everyone to first check with their primary physician and if deemed appropriate get vaccinated.

OK, with that out of the way, I do of my own freewill believe that it is probably a good idea for most people to get vaccinated.  I am double vaxed and am getting a booster.

Having said that (which if you are reading, you know that I have in fact said that) getting the vaccination is not as easy as advertised.

I’m not saying it is difficult, but I just spent 45 minutes getting an appointment for a booster shot at my (almost) local pharmacy.

It was basically easy for me.  I have a computer.  I have a car for transportation.  I am only a partly 75-year-old cognitively declined individual.  I have a wife that can walk me through most of the appointment process.

Statistics say that 65% of the country is at least partially vaccinated and children under 12, about 15%, are not yet eligible.  So a pretty big percent of the eligible country is vaccinated. 

Who are not vaccinated?

 

1.    Some are just afraid of shots in general. 

2.    Some are against any vaccinations. 

3.    Some equate the jab with a political statement. 

4.    Many have had covid-19 and believe they have immunities equal to or better than the shot and that the shot on top of their natural immunity is not well tested and might even be dangerous.

Number one may seem silly, but it is difficult to argue.  There are people who will suffer a tooth ache rather than visit a dentist.

Number two is similarly phobic, but this is a new vaccine.

Number three is ridiculous, but it is what it is.

Number four, may have some validity, I would get the shot, but it still remains to this date a valid argument absent more data.

A number FIVE reason is possibly more common and seems unidentified. 

It is just not that easy for everyone to get an appointment and then get to the venue giving the shot.  Everyone does not have access to a computer, everyone does not have the acuity to ramble through the questions on the appointment applications (hell lots of people can’t read and or have trouble with eyesight).  For many people getting to the venue is very difficult.  Many people do not have a Mrs. Cranky to walk them through the process and are probably too embarrassed to ask for help.

My point is there is not much to be done for those with excuses 1 thru 3. 

You can offer public service messages out the Ying Yang, but will not change many opinions.  Those in the number four category may change their mind, but more needs to be explored before their fear can be categorically determined to be incorrect.  Regardless, arm twisting will only further increase the resistance of most in all categories.

If government wants to increase vaccination rates, they need to do more to reach out to people and communities which find it difficult to arrange for and show up for the shot.  Walk-in situations in local venues need to be increased.  Maybe even mobile units along with easily accessible volunteers to help people with the process.

Are mandatory vaccinations a good idea?  They do work with a multitude of vaccinations which are required to attend school.

The answer to that is simple. 

Mandatory vaccinations are a good idea if they work, as they do with the MMR vaccine for instance. If people simply need the shot to be mandatory to push them, then it is a good idea. 

However, if people are moved to bull their necks and refuse the shot for whatever reason, then mandatory rules will ultimately be counterproductive.

Just as telling a child that if they don’t eat their spinach they will get no desert often will swear a person off spinach for life;  making what is probably in a persons best interest mandatory, does not always get the desired result.

Government should encourage everyone to get vaccinated, give them the facts as best we know them, and make the process as easy as buying a cup of coffee. 

For everyone else who is vaccinated, mask up if it makes you feel safe, stay out of highly populated low ventilated places and you should be safe from the unvaccinated.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a doctor, but I have been watching ER reruns for the last several months.

PIPE DREAM

 

PIPE DREAM

What ever happened to pipes?  I know smoking in general is not as popular as it once was, but plenty of people do still smoke cigarettes.  Cigars are still somewhat popular, mostly with men.  I see guys lightening up a good cigar on the golf course often. 

I have not seen a pipe smoker in forever.

Pipes used to be popular.  Fred McMurry always puffed on one on “My Three Sons.”  Sherlock Holmes was famous for his Meerschaum Pipe.  My dad smoked a pipe when he was not smoking a cigarette.  My boss used to smoke a pipe, but all that was eons ago.  I don’t think anyone smokes a pipe anymore.

Cigarette smokers used to be the suave and cool people, or sometimes the tough guy.  A cigar smoker was a big shot, successful and full of himself.  Pipe smokers were the intellectuals.

In college you always knew when a student changed his major to Psychology or English Literature.  If they were suddenly wearing a corduroy jacket with elbow patches and smoking a pipe, they had changed their major.

The thing with pipes is they took a lot of work.  They needed constant cleaning, reloading, tamping and relighting.  My pop's casual shirts all had holes in them from flying pipe embers. 

He always smoked a pipe when he took me bowling.  Even today, if I throw a strike, I sometimes get a memory whiff of Captain Black tobacco.

My boss once got confused while smoking his pipe.  He went to put on his glasses but he did not have his glasses, he was holding his pipe.  Damn near put his eye out with it.  I held in my laughter like a kid who farted in church.

When I worked on Wall Street the traders all smoked cigarettes.  One of them once told me that you could tell when a trader was getting burned out.  If he switched to a pipe he would soon be done.  No one can make quick decisions while smoking a pipe. 

A pipe requires contemplating-slow-draws of smoke, a stare into space and a “harumph” before rendering a decision or opinion.

I guess, along with the general distain society has for any kind of smoking, the pace of the world today, what with instant access to data and information, has rendered the pipe obsolete.  People just no longer have the time for the contemplating pace of pipe smoking.

Personally, I gave up cigarettes years ago and am happy for it.  I do enjoy an occasional cigar when Mrs. C is not around.  She hates the smell of a cigar.  Surprisingly she tells me she used to like the smell of a pipe.  She would have no problem if I took up pipe smoking.

I would try it, maybe even enjoy a nice cherry flavor tobacco, except I’d be spending too much time looking for my lighter, tamper and pipe cleaners.  Also, I get distracted too easily.  I might not poke my eye out like my old boss, but I would sure as Hell ruin a lot of shirts and stand a good chance of burning the house down.

Anyway, I’m not sure you can even buy the damn things any more.

 

 

STUFF I’ve DONE

 

STUFF I’ve DONE

We recently had our bedroom painted.  We hired someone to do the job.  Years ago, I would have done it myself.  Years ago, I could have barely afforded the paint, now I can have someone else do it. 

I was a lousy painter.  I would leave brush marks and paint bristles on the wall.  I could barely afford the paint, do you think I used good brushes?

I inevitably found a way to spill some paint and then step in it leaving tracks before I realized what happened.

After hours of removing bristles, going over brush strokes and cleaning up after messes, I somehow actually ended up doing a decent job.

Anyway, having someone else do this job, and do it right in one third the time had me thinking of other jobs I have done, by myself, and with having no idea how to do them. 

There was no internet for directions, and I am not very good at following directions anyway.  I am more of a dive right in and do it…then undo it and try again kind of guy.

Looking back, I have no idea how I finished these jobs without any help, other than a woman standing behind me reminding me that I didn’t know what the “F” I was doing. 

Thanks for that! (Not Mrs. Cranky)

I once finished a basement…well semi-finished a basement.  I put up finished walls and wired outlets.  I must have cut and recut about 75 studs.  I needed only 40. 

Measure once, cut twice; grab a new stud and try again.

The most difficult part was attaching the base stud to the concrete floor.  I used special concrete nails but they just bounced off the hammer and damn near took out my eye.  They have a special hammer that fires off from a CO2 cartridge or something, but who could afford that.  I finally learned that a 4 pound mini-sledge/hammer could slam those nails into the concrete like a knife through butter (Not a hot knife, but good enough.)

I once created a 10 X 12-foot patio using heavy 6-inch X 4-inch pavers. 

Digging it out, spreading two layers of crushed stone and a layer of sand and then laying the pavers took me three days to finish. 

It took me 10 days to recover.  Every muscle in my body ached, my back, my legs and especially every finger. 

Don’t ever get in a fight with someone who does that job for a living!

The patio did look pretty good though.

I installed two garage door openers…without help.  Two-by-fours substituted for a helper to hold the damn thing up while I connected it to the ceiling and the garage door.  Still not sure how I did not kill myself, but the thing did work.

I also used the two-by-four trick when I installed a pull-down attic stair unit.  That involved carpentry.  Once again, I employed the measure once, cut twice method, but eventually they were in and looked/worked pretty good.

I don’t want to even talk about wall paper, refinishing furniture, electrical and plumbing installations.  Been there, done that, fucked it up and done that over again.

I rate most jobs by the number of “G-damns” I yell, and the number of trips I take to Lowes.  The average plumbing job, for instance, is a five "G-damn", three-trip project.

The thing about home projects is after you have done them and learn the correct way to do the job, you never do it again.  You are often left with some specialized tool that you will also never use again.

Anyway, enough of painful reminiscing.

These days, I’ve got a guy!

HARD TIMES

 

HARD TIMES

 

It seems to me that almost every news story, commercial, or commentary of any kind begins with “In these difficult times.”

“In these difficult times, investing can be scary!”

“In these troubled times, just getting a regular health check-up is an adventure.”

”In these turbulent times, just getting out of bed in the morning is not easy.”

When were times not difficult, troubled, or turbulent?

I don’t remember turning on the news and hearing,

“The economy continues to be great, everyone is loaded and spending all that cash is sometimes not easy.  In these prosperous times, how do you handle all that money?”

“Need help buying a new car?  In these terrific times there are so many options, how do you decide?”

“Are you looking to change jobs?  In these wonderful times of racial harmony, anyone can find work anywhere.”

I don’t remember those times.  Seems like times are always “difficult, troubled, or turbulent.

It does not seem to matter which political party is in charge, times are always difficult, troubled or turbulent.

I am trying to remember non-difficult, troubled or turbulent times.

I remember black people being hit a wall of water from fire hoses and being attacked by large dogs for wanting to sit at a soda counter.  That was pretty troubling.

I’ve heard of starving people standing in line for bread and others jumping out of buildings because they lost everything.  That sounds difficult to me.

I was born after World War II.  From what I’ve read, it sounded very turbulent.

If these times are difficult, troubled or turbulent, they are probably a lot less difficult, troubled or turbulent than any other time in history…

except maybe the 1950’s. 

Those were good times. 

If you weren’t a minority, or if you dodged polio, and you had a job. 

Still, even then, cars had no air conditioning, there were no cell phones and TV had maybe five channels and nothing after midnight.  Ooooo! Bad!

I can’t wait for when these times will no longer be difficult, troubled or turbulent.  I won’t hold my breath.

 

SMILE TALKING

 

SMILE TALKING

Do you smile while you talk?  Not just a smirk, or upward turned lips. I’m talking a full out,  upper and lower teeth flashing smile…while talking.

I’ve noticed that people in TV commercials, newscasters, and politicians are very good at full out smile talking. 

Women are especially good at full out smile talking.  Men generally can only do it in short spurts.

Men might semi-smile while they talk and then end with an all-out toothy grin; women can maintain the full smile and look natural while doing it.

The smile talk looks friendly and non-threatening when women do it.  It can look creepy when a man tries it. 

I’ve tried to do it and I just cannot.  Not just because I am generally cranky, but I am physically incapable of doing it.  If I talk with a full out smile, I look like a cartoon character or a serial killer.

When a male politician is asked a difficult question, he will get serious and often a bit testy.  Women politicians are masters at smiling through a question, often even laughing in a derisive show at how silly the question is before she will even respond.  She will full out smile throughout her response.

Women seem to have complete control over their smile, perhaps that is why when they are surprised and laugh unexpectedly they cover their mouth so they don’t lose control.  Have you EVER seen a man cover his mouth to hide a smile? OK, a straight man?

Anyway.

How do people do it?

It is very effective.

I wish I could do it.

“JOE…did you forget to turn off the stove burner again?”

Smiling all the while and chortling, “What, ha ha, you must be kidding?  A burner was left on? Why would I not turn off a burner?  You must be joking.”

That response might make the wife wonder if a burner was in fact left on…maybe she was mistaken, maybe she left it on.

“JOE…did you buy another guitar?  The Guitar Store called and said they had a delivery ready for pick up?”

Smiling, “What…ha ha, why would I buy another guitar?  Oh wait, ha ha, maybe I did, I almost forgot about it.  It was too good a deal to pass up.”

Act guilty and apologetic and the new guitar is going back.  Smile, laugh and make light of it and maybe I could charm my wife into making room on the wall for another instrument.

Alas, I do not have the smiley-semi-laugh-while-talking gene.

It possibly explains why I am not a politician.   It may also explain why I am on my third wife.

DE WHAT?

 

DE WHAT?

A cranky old man public service for computer nudnicks like myself

I have two PC’s.  One is upstairs and is a mid-range pretty good computer.  I don’t really need any fancy stuff.  The second is downstairs and is a cheap DELL.  Not that DELL makes cheap computers, this is just their low-end computer as I did not need to pay for a really good one, DELL or otherwise. 

The downstairs computer is for holding my music and occasional internet browsing.  I could use the good computer downstairs.  It is very mobile as a laptop, but I am spoiled and don’t like hauling it and all the chargers around.   Same reason that I have a pair of reading and TV glasses on every floor and an i-phone charger on every floor.

I can’t afford a boat, plane or house at the beach, but I can have the little things, and yes, I am lazy.

Anyway.  The downstairs computer lately has been so slow as to make it almost worthless.  Even just accessing my music (song chords and lyrics for guitar) which is on my hard drive in Microsoft word, was taking forever.

I may have been losing patience with the thing.  Sometimes when I lose patience I may take it out on Mrs. C by yelling.

“GD this friggin-frazzle-pop computer.  I should just get a new one except I hate all that file saving password assigning frustrating crap it takes to get a new one up and running the way you want it!”

“What is wrong with it?”

“It takes forever to just open a file, never mind accessing the internet!  It is basically worthless!”

“When was it last defragged?”

“DE WHAT?  My computer is not gay (not that there is anything wrong with that), and that is not acceptable speak!”

“DeFRag, F R A G!”

“Oh, what the hell is that?; and never.”

“It is supposed to happen periodically, but sometimes it is not completed correctly.”

“What is it.”

“It consolidates files and stuff, makes it faster for the computer to access data, I don’t really know, but it just it makes the computer run more economically.”

“How do I do it?”

“Just search for “Defragging” and follow the directions to “Optimize.”

OK, so sometime I listen to Mrs. C because she knows stuff.

I defragged the computer.  It took about 6 hours.  Mrs. C said that it took so long because it has not been done in like FOREVER!

Once completed the damn thing ran like new.  Slow for most computer, but good enough for a cheap low-end computer.

I am posting this as many of my readers are seasoned like myself and may  have also never heard of DEFRAGGING.

If your computer is running crappy, don’t spend money on the GEEK SQUAD.  They will probably just defrag it for you and act like they did something super-duper smart and difficult while they take your money and laugh at you from behind that curtain where they make believer they are magicians.

Anyway:

https://www.dummies.com/computers/for-seniors-how-to-defragment-your-computer-hard-drive/

 

If a car is hit in a parking lot and there is no mark, was the car even hit at all?

 

If a car is hit in a parking lot and there is no mark, was the car even hit at all?

 

So, a certain valedictorian posted about a parking lot accident without a dent.  I guess that just makes it an acci.

Anyway, it reminded me of an incident years ago.  Maybe just an inci.

My soon to be ex-wife bumped/non-bumped into a car at a Costco lot and drove away without checking or saying anything.  Someone witnessed the bump/non-bump and left a note on the car with our license plate number.

The owner saw the note and called the police to report a hit and run.

A week later I received a notice to appear in court for a hit and run charge.  They chose me, as the car was registered in my name.  I asked the not yet but-on-her-way-to-be ex-wife if she knew anything about this hit and run. She shrugged her shoulders and said,

“Oh yeah, I might have hit someone, I didn’t think anyone saw it.”

“Are you going to court and defend the hit/might have non-hit?”

“I can’t, I am going to Boston that week, (to shack up with her future husband) anyway the summons is in your name!”

Have I ever mentioned that in addition to being a few cards short of a deck, she was (probably still is) a bitch?  Well she was (probably still is) a bitch!

So, I had to go to court. 

In preparation I went to the police station to get a copy of the accident report. The report explained everything including the unnamed witness who left the note, and the owner who called in the hit and run.

I took particular notice of a column in the report marked “DAMAGE.” It said in capital letters “NONE DISCERNIBLE.”

Why I wondered…actually I wondered,

“Why the F*CK would anyone report a hit and run accident where there was no discernable damage, and why the F*CK would the police write a summons on a hit and run with damage NOT DISCERNABLE based on an unnamed witness?”

Judge Judy would never allow such a travesty.

So, I went to court worried about a hit and run charge and curious as to how much I would have to pay the owner of the undamaged car for the non-damage incurred in the maybe bump-and-run committed by my soon to be ex-wife bitch.  Did I mention she was (and probably still is) a bitch?

I was also curious to see if the lady whose car was maybe hit resulting in NO DISCERNABLE DAMAGE would show up at court to press charges, and if she could even press a charge based on an unknown witness who left a note.

I waited around three hours to have my minute in court. 

The judge asked me about the accident and I replied I knew nothing. I was at work and it was my wife who drove the car to Costco.  She then asked why my wife was not here and I said because the summons is in my name and also because the is a bitch! (OK I left out the bitch part)

I did mention that the police report said DAMAGE NONE DISCERNABLE and so I did not know if there was actually a hit and run, or something that looked like a hit to an unnamed witness, but was in fact a no hit and a drive away.  

(Based on my 10-year-olds account, there was a bump, a lady was yelling and mommy just pulled away.  Still there was DAMAGE NONE DISCERNABLE!

Who shows up at court to fight for such an accident?

Answer – Nobody.

The case was thrown out as the non-injured injured party did not show.

Still unanswered is the question:

If a car is hit in a parking lot and there is no mark, was the car even hit at all?