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Tuesday, April 19, 2011



The big wedding is coming up.  Everyone will be able to watch the pomp and circumstance of Prince William and Princess-to-be Kate’s ceremony.  Millions and millions will watch on TV, the internet, and it will be filmed for posterity.  Only a select few will enjoy the royal reception.
Here is what we will all miss:
William and Kate are introduced, “And now for the first time ever as Prince and Princess” to Steve Martin singing “King Tut.”
Prince Charles is introduced as the “Future King, and perhaps current Queen”.
Camilla is announced as “Charlie’s friend”.
A major faux pas is committed when the Queen and Prince Phillip are introduced as "Mr. and Mrs. Mountbatten."
The DJ is introduced to the castle dungeon.
All the guests join in to dance the traditional “Hoity Toity”:
Put your right arm in; try not to be real loud;
Make your hand a little cup and you wave it like your proud;
You do the Hoity Toity and you smile a phony smile;
That’s how you please the crowd.
Before dinner is served and when everyone is seated, the Prince and Princess shake hands after much glass clinking.  Then comes the highlight to the evening, the Prince’s College chum stands to make the Best-man speech.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Dukes and Duchesses, Earls and Earlesses, Princes, Queen, future Kings and most commons….. I was told not to use commoners; I have known William for ten years.  Let me tell you, he is a real Royal.  A royal pain in the ass! (Rim shot) What a bore.  His favorite game is checkers.  He loves to say ‘King me’ (Rim shot).
William could have gone to college anywhere.  He was accepted in the states to several schools.  He turned down Princeton, been there done that! (Rim shot)   Duke was beneath him. (Rim shot)   Queens College was out of the question (Rim shot) Kings College is in Brooklyn, next to Queens, that was too confusing. (Rim shot)  He settled on St. Andrews. 
Willy wanted to study Oceanography until he realized he was The Prince of Wales; the island, not the fish. (Rim shot)   Bill wanted to try his hand at the theater.  When his first play was finished the audience took a bow. (Rim shot)William will be a perfect King.  When he goes to the loo he uses a real throne! (Rim shot)
Of course Charlie over here is going to be King first.  That’s what Liz said.  I quote ‘he will be King over my dead body’. (Rim shot)   Charlie you will be a great King, one who will listen to the people.  Everyone says you are all ears! (Rim shot)   Charles got thrown out of a casino the other day.  He wanted to play craps, but he couldn’t hang on to the Di! (Rim shot)   Wow Camilla, that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since…..well you know. (Rim shot)  Look at the Queen; she knows what I’m talking about!
Then there is Katie.  Katie, William promises to treat you like a Princess.  I know he loves you, he has told me so.  'Alf,’ he told me, ‘I love her…whatever love is.(Rim shot)   I know he thinks you are very intelligent he always tells me how much he loves your head! (Rim shot)   Just remember William’s house really is his castle. (Rim shot)  Finally, Katie I hope you know what you’re getting into.  This is permanent.  The only escape is to tunnel your way out!” (Rim shot)
At least the DJ had some company.

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