HALLMARK CARDS

HALLMARK CARDS

Easter Sunday, and I forgot to get a card for my wife.  She got me not one, but two cards.  I now officially feel twice as crappy.  I wanted to get a card for her.  She hinted for me to get a card for her, and yet I forgot.

Women love cards.  They love the sentimental poems written by someone you’ve never heard of, someone you will never know.  Wives and girl friends love the mushy sentimental cards.

Men don’t really give a rat’s backside about cards.  Maybe we like them for a birthday, but other occasions…no.  If we do get a card we most appreciate the funny ones.  We love cards with pictures of old women with droopy breasts, and cards with young women with perky breasts.  We love the “I forgot cards”, the “I didn’t get you a present, but I got you this card” card, and any card with a farting reference.  We especially love the fart reference card.

Women like the funny cards also, but wives and girl friends want mushy.  They know their man is incapable of saying those romantic little something’s, but he can at least buy someone else’s romantic stuff, sign it, and hand it over.  As Dr. Phil would say, “I git that.”  I “git” it, but I usually forget it.

Some special days are easy to remember.  Christmas cards and birthday cards are easy to remember, they go with a present.  Valentine’s Day cards are easy to remember, if you forget them once, the repercussions are such that it is just not ever going to happen again.  Mother’s day cards are easy to remember. That statement you made on her first Mother’s day, “You’re not my Mother” was a mistake you will not soon forget.  Wedding anniversary cards are the weapons of mass defection if you forget them.

Some occasions I just do not get.  Arbor Day, St. Patty’s Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, my children’s birthdays, groundhog day, Thanksgiving, Boxing day (in the USA?), New Years eve, New Years day, Cinco de mayo, Ground Hog day, St. Swithin’s day, and the “Just Because Day” are all days I manage to not remember.  I try to remember them, because they are preceded by subtle hints, and the outright, “You don’t have to get me a card!” You don’t have to get me a card means, “Testing one two three…are you there?  Do you care?”

When given the subtle hint I remind myself all day, “don’t forget the card, don’t forget the card, don’t forget the card, don’t forget the card.”  Somewhere along the way I ask myself, “what did I forget, what did I forget, what did I forget, what did I forget?”  Finally I answer myself, “must have been nothing, must have been nothing, must have been nothing, must have been nothing.”

When I get home cardless my wife says nothing, but her eyes shout, “You failed!  You failed!  You failed!  You failed!”  There is no makeup test; the grade for this occasion is an F.  This is why the “Just because” card was invented.  This card is useless unless it is delivered at least two weeks after the failing grade.

I wish Hallmark would invent a new card; the “Trump Card” card.  The Trump card which would be a very expensive ornate and highly sensitive card would be purchased at any time, and saved for that special occasion where you screw up really bad.  If for any occasion, (except your wedding anniversary) you forget to buy a card, you can retrieve and hand over the Trump card.  This will “trump” the screw-up and entitle the bearer to be automatically and completely forgiven. 

The “Trump” card would easily become Hallmark’s biggest seller.

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