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Monday, February 6, 2017

THE VOLK’S SHOP

THE VOLK’S SHOP

a cranky re-run from February 2012 

When I graduated from College I bought a new 1968 Volkswagen bug.  It cost $1800.  I paid extra for undercoating (hey, I was young) and an AM radio.  Actually my Dad paid $1800 which I was to pay back after I got a job.  I paid it off in eight months.  The best thing about the VW bug besides the fuel economy of its 40 HP air cooled engine was its easy maintenance.  One reason for its easy maintenance was “The Volk’s Shop.”

The Volk’s Shop was a one mechanic shop run out of a barn on a farm in the outskirts of North Brunswick, New Jersey. The proprietor, the lone mechanic at The Volk’s Shop was Tom “Something” (never did know his last name.) 

Tom was an excellent mechanic who was scrupulously honest.  I never left his shop feeling ripped off.  He did not ascribe to the almost automatic charge of $400 for anything beyond an oil change like other shops.  In fact I was always pleasantly surprised at how little he charged. 

The one thing I learned quickly about Tom was that he was a man of very few words, and he was very literal.  When he asked what was wrong with the car it was a bad idea to give him your opinion.  I learned this the first time I took my bug in for more than an oil change.

“Hey Tom, the bug is running rough, I think it needs new plugs.”

“OK.”

When I picked the car up I asked him what he did.

“New plugs.”

The car still ran rough.

I brought it back.

“Gee Tom; the car is still running rough.”

“What do you think is the problem?”

“I don’t know…points?”

“OK.”

I picked the car up the next day and asked him what he did.

“Points.”

The car still ran rough.

I brought it back.

“Gee Tom; the car is still running rough.”

“What do you think is the problem?”

“I have no idea.”

“OK, leave it.”

I picked up the car the next day and asked him what he did.

“Tune-up, timing belt, new gas filter, adjusted the fremlinger and tweaked the fornastat.”

The car ran like a top. 

Turns out that when Tom asked what you thought was wrong with your car if you didn’t know for sure, the correct answer was “I don’t know.”

I once took the car in for a fix which required Tom to crawl under the car.  He said it would only take a half hour to fix so I waited.  Tom took out wrenches of several different sizes, a screw driver and several other tools.  He slowly and deliberately laid out each tool in a specific spot by the car. This whole procedure took him fifteen minutes.  I checked my watch as he slid under the car and was thinking maybe I should have just left the car and had my wife pick me up.  This clearly was going to take over 30 minutes.

Once under the car, Tom reached out and without looking grabbed the first tool.  He seemed to be working slowly but in one minute he meticulously replaced that tool and reached for the next, again without looking.  Working painfully slow Tom worked his way down the line of tools, never looking as he grabbed each one like a surgeon in an operating room.  In exactly 15 minutes he pulled himself out from under the car. Not a bead of perspiration was on his face.  He had uttered not a single cuss word and there was no grease or oil on this face or hands.  Tom worked slowly but without any wasted movement.

“That should do it” he proclaimed wiping his hands of non-existent oil out of habit.

It took him exactly 30 minutes.

I took all my cars to Tom for 35 years until he finally closed up shop.

A mechanic or a dentist, if you find a good one, never change. 

SUPER BOWL LI THE GREATEST EVER

SUPER BOWL LI THE GREATEST EVER
Except for the ’69 Jet and any of the four NY Giant Super Bowl wins, Super Bowl LI, even though it was won by the Patriots and I hate the Patriots, will go down as the greatest Super Bowl ever.  It was the greatest ever for several reasons.
I have seen every play of every Super Bowl ever played.  Most have been horrible games, especially the first 30 or so games.  The Super Bowl used to be notorious for boring blow outs, annoying long halftime performances, and too much attention paid to the commercials.  On a personal note, I hate large Super Bowl parties and lately have been watching the games by myself.
This year Mrs. C dragged me to her friend’s new home across the Jersey border and into Pennsylvania.  It turned out to be a fairly easy drive, there was not a large party, just us and her friends, an interesting and fun couple.  There was also good food, good wine and an 9-foot, that’s right, a 9-foot projection screen.
So the company was good, the food and drink good and the venue outstanding.  This year the commercials were actually very entertaining, and the halftime was excellent. Lady Gaga put on the best halftime performance ever.
Then there was the game.  If you read my Saturday post “How To Beat The Patriots”
you would know that the Falcons followed my formula to a tee…at least for the first half. 
Pressure Brady: Check!
Brady was hit, hurried and sacked 4 or 5 times.  He was hurried into giving up an interception for a touchdown and the Patriots scored only 3 points in the first half.
Run the ball and control the clock: Check!
The Falcons averaged about 6 yards a carry and it opened up the passing game and kept Brady off the field. 
The Falcons led 21-3 at halftime.  Near the end of the third quarter they led 28-3, then they stopped following the formula.  Brady’s protection picked up and he started to pick the Falcons apart.  The Patriots stopped the Falcons running game and Atlanta could not establish ball control.  Brady stayed on the field and the Falcons defense started to wear down.
Then on a crucial play in the fourth quarter the Falcons followed step three of my formula.
Make an impossible catch at a crucial time:
Ryan dodged a sack, threw a long pass into coverage and Jones made an unbelievable catch while somehow staying in bounds.  I was sure the Falcons would go on to close out the game.
They did not.  Brady led the Pats to two TD’s and two, two point conversions, aided by their own unbelievable impossible catch by Edelman, and the game went into overtime.
New England won the toss and got the ball and that was all she wrote.  Atlanta’s defense was gassed and they could not stop a Brady march to the winning touchdown.
Unbelievable game, great plays, fantastic come from behind win by the Patriots.
My formula was spot on, my prediction close.  Apparently, I did not factor in a very important component to the Patriots game plan.
A Jim Sullivan (Suldog) http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/ good luck charm niece!
 Overall, it was the best Super Bowl ever!

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Stupid Headlines 020517

Stupid Headlines 020517
It’s time again for
That's still gotta be illegal
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments. 
________________________
To avoid offending patients, don’t use term ‘expectant mother’ – Something to do with offending transgender people…I don’t know I’m too old to understand.
American Airlines employee discovers $434G worth of cocaine in plane's nose gear – That plane is high even when it’s on the ground.
Florida pastor caught with man's wife, flees naked – I’m pretty sure there is a “Thou shalt not…” that covers this situation.  Is there something in the water in Florida?
Muslim Cleric Who Had 130 Wives Dies Aged 93 – He just couldn’t face one more Valentine’s Day.
LEGO Batman Movie Is Updated to Feature a ‘More Diverse’ Gotham City – Movie added characters made from pipe cleaners, clay and erector sets to be more inclusive.
Fish can't talk, so they pee instead – How do they say, “I’ve gotta pee”?
Mississippi school district moves forward with desegregation plan – No rush, it’s only been a law for 60 something years.
2-Ton ‘Target’ Ball Gets Loose In Paramus Parking Lot – Ball bounced off a pick-up truck, an SUV, and a sports car before slipping into the gutter just missing the tenpin*. 
'El Chapo' lawyers say jail conditions are too strict in NYC – How’s a fellow supposed to tunnel his way out when he’s surrounded by tons of concrete?
Substitute Teacher Arrested After Cartwheeling in Front of Choir Class Without Underwear – She was just trying to get the altos to hit a high note.
Woman claims she was booted from Spirit flight for showing too much cleavage – This is ridiculous. There is no such thing as too much cleavage!

Boston Marathon bombing survivor to marry firefighter who saved her – Who to save…who to save, Eenie meenie minee, WHOA!

*Bowlers will think this is funny.

AND THE FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:


She claims she gave Denzel Washington his first library card. Then he shows up on her birthday

COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MORE
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY