So Paddy Walks into a Pub…

                                                 So Paddy Walks into a Pub…

I have learned that in this blogging thing you have to be very careful not to offend certain groups or people with specific traits.  If you are going to make a joke or denigrate a specific group or ethnicity you had better be a part of that group.

For instance if you are not a black comedian it is a bad idea to make a joke about a black person.  The same is true of Jewish people or a person from virtually any ethnic background. 

The exception to this is the Irish.  For some reason anyone is allowed to make a joke about the Irish.

A Jew can refer to the Irish as heavy drinkers and the Irish in the audience will laugh, “Oh sure tis true you know we are terrible drunks.”

A black comedian can tease the Irish about their reputation of getting into fights and the Irish in the audience will laugh,“Oh sure tis true you know we will make a fist at the drop of a hat…especially if we’ve had a bit of the drink.”

Make a joke about Irish women nagging their husbands and the Irish in the audience will laugh, “Oh sure tis true you know, the lassies are terrible nags, but then the lads just pay no mind.”

You can make fun of their arms-at-the-side step dance, belittle their kilts, joke about their lack of culinary skills, even make reference to the “Irish Curse” (it’s a manhood thing) and the Irish will not take offense.  “Oh sure tis true, we do dance funny, we go commando under the kilts, we bile the piss out of everyting, and there is a fookin curse...for some of us."

I don’t know why, but you cannot insult the Irish.  You can piss them off if you disrespect their favorite team, you may start a fight if you catch them in a lie and call them on it because the Irish never lie, they only embellish. 

Other than berating their sports team or challenging their story telling veracity, you cannot insult the Irish.   

Maybe it's because at least one day of the year, everyone is Irish. 

Uncle Skip sent me this last year

WHAT?

 

WHAT?

I just read that white people should not use memes of any black person.  It is called digital blackface.  As someone who only recently learned what a meme was and is a little unsure of “digital” (fingers?...probably not) that is good to know.

I will no longer post a meme involving  a black person.  I will also no longer draw cartoons of Mohammed (which pretty much eliminates any cartoon of about 43% of the muslin world who are named Mohammed.) I will not defend anyone who once took a picture at a Southern Plantation Party.  I will not use the “N” word, the “F” word, the other “F” word or the “K” word, the “Q” word or the “A” word.  As a matter of fact I will stop using any word that starts with a letter in the alphabet…hmmm tried but can’t do it. 

Can I use the “I” word or the “R” word?

What? You don’t know what those words are? I’d tell you, but then I would have to use them.

This culture is getting very complicated.  Growing up we white kids used to imitate the black kids all the time.  Why?  Racist?  I guess, never thought about it.  We used to just think they were really cool.

We used terms like “Yo” and “Hit the right?” and “damn the Hawk is out today.”  We walked with a slight limping gait, though never as cool as the black kids, and we tried to dance with style.  Never thought it was racist, thought we were being cool, because the black kids were cool.  I don’t remember my black friends being offended, maybe they needed to also be enlightened.

So now I wish to apologize for my behavior when I was in high school.  I am truly sorry for all the really cool kids whose culture I appropriated.  I regret that I hurt so many people trying to be as cool as they were.

I am taking time to reflect upon my 14 year-old behavior in hopes of becoming a better more sensitive and caring person.  I want to thank all the true intelligentsia in this country for pointing out my racism where I would have never believed it to exist.  I will walk on eggshells around both of my next door neighbors as I do not want to do or say anything that will offend them.  Gee, I will miss our occasional banter, but better safe than offensive.

I also wish to apologize for any past or future behavior that has yet to be determined to be offensive.  I will strive to do better.

I get it.  I now know the rules.  I am white, I am racist.

I am sorry.

 

THE GOOD TOWELS

 

THE GOOD TOWELS - a cranky re-run

THE GOOD TOWELS

Last run in 2013 figured time for a favorite!

The guest bathroom in the house where Mrs. Cranky grew up was always adorned with lovely linen towels.  It was apparently well known that these towels were not to be used.  When my wife’s mom was several days from leaving this world, the result of a losing battle with Pancreatic Cancer, my brother-in-law asked with a straight face, “Does this mean we can use the GOOD TOWELS?”

I was not yet a member of the family, but this comment, cold and callous as it sounds, made everyone laugh.  It was funny because of the silliness of having the GOOD TOWELS that their mom so carefully protected.  It made everyone think fondly of this woman who had only a little more time on Earth.  Somehow a person’s passion even for silly things makes them more endearing.

I only recently heard this story.  It made me think of all the nice things that people have and cherish and yet never use. 

Some people even sew THE GOOD TOWELS so they stay on the rack nice and even.  Many people have bowls of decorator soap in the bathroom.  You don’t have to tell guests not to use decorator soap; everyone knows not to touch it.  My sister-in-law says she got rid of her decorator soap…it was just one more thing to dust.

People used to cover their living room furniture in plastic so it would stay clean.  Covering a $2000 couch with plastic so it won’t get dirty is like sleeping on the floor so you won’t have to make the bed.  I don’t think people cover their furniture with plastic anymore; instead they put furniture in a “Living Room” that no one is allowed to use.

Dining rooms today are a lot like THE GOOD TOWELS.  Many houses today have eat-in kitchens.  The dining room is used for Thanksgiving Dinner and the rest of the year it is purely for show.

Most people have their version of THE GOOD TOWELS. 

Very wealthy people have the really good bottle of wine.  Eighty years old and stored in just the right conditions, but never to be opened.  Many families have the good china, stored in a special cabinet just waiting for the President to come to dinner.  We have Mrs. Cranky’s Waterford glasses.  They are pretty to look at, but no one wants to use them.  “I’m afraid I’d break it!”

Oh, and I found out that Mrs. Cranky inherited THE GOOD TOWELS after her mom passed away. 

They are stored away in a plastic bin.

They have never been used. 

I am told they are beautiful.