STUPID HEADLINES 110418

STUPID HEADLINES 110418

This weeks stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

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British couple gets drunk, buys hotel they're staying at on honeymoon – I once got loaded and bought the bar a round, but this is ridiculous!

Swiss tourist suing Graceland hotel for $75,000, claims fire alarm caused marriage issues – I’m guessing that marriage was not destined to survive.

Titanic II to set sail in 2022 - Sign me up! I also want to spend a night on Elm Street, swim with Jaws, have dinner with Hannibal Lector, and go to camp on Friday the thirteenth.

Michigan wildlife officials capture 'rare' sighting of cougar on game camera – Most cougars hang out in bars, far from wildlife game cameras.

Stolen giant inflatable colon found in vacant home – The giant Inflatable comma, period and asterisks are still missing.

Barbra Streisand 'thinking' about moving to Canada if GOP wins the House – There is that, and then there is the legalized pot thing.

Meghan Markle's apparent 'bad' habit sparks royal debate – No, she does not pick her nose in public, she wears pant suits with pockets! OMG!!

NJ ex-superintendent admits to pooping on a nearby high school's grounds – And he didn’t have a hall pass!

New Jersey police capture alleged serial diaper dumper – Damn, NJ is making Florida look good this week.

World Series trophy damaged at Boston parade by beer can – Still doing damage!

Restaurant under fire for controversial ‘Weinstein Burger’ – It is actually aptly named as it turns out the burger leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

  

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Kids buy back dad's 1993 Ford Mustang that he sold when his wife was diagnosed with cancer – No dogs this week, but as a Dad, this is even better.  The wife is a cancer survivor for 13 years, that’s pretty feel-good as well.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/kids-buy-back-dads-1993-ford-mustang-that-he-sold-when-his-wife-was-diagnosed-with-cancer/

Pistachio

Pistachio

An old friend’s recent Facebook comment reminded me of pistachio nuts.  Yes, they are still around, bigger and better than ever, but they have lost their personality.

Personality…nuts?

Well, sort of, they did use to be different.

Pistachios used to be red.  They were all salted, I mean really salted, soaked in brine salted.  We used to buy them from a dispensary machine, like a gum machine.  You would get a handful for a nickel. 

They were red because they were dyed red.  Why I don’t know, but we always just assumed that was their real color.  They were sometimes called Christmas nuts, red shell, green meat.  When you ate pistachios way back when, everyone knew it because your fingers and lips were stained red and stayed that way for a day or two.

Pistachios today are easy to open, you can pry most open with your fingers.  The pistachios with personality required a front tooth to pry open the tiny crevasse in the bivalve shells that guarded the nut. 

I chipped my tooth several times trying to get at the nut inside.  Some nuts had no crack to pry open and required back molar action or a hammer to open.  You then had to pick through the broken shells to pick out the meat. 

Today you can even buy pistachios already de-shelled.  Ha…spoiled people today.

The pistachios I remember were smaller than today, but they tasted better, they had a deeper flavor, if deeper is a thing, anyway they did taste better.  Of course, about every sixth nut was rotten and tasted awful.  Spit out and gulp water awful, and since they were all so tightly enclosed by their shell, you never knew if a nut had gone bad or not.

As I remember, almost invariably the last nut in every batch was somehow always a bad nut.  It took an extra nickel and a new handful to get rid of that bad nut taste.

Yes, the pistachio nut of today is bigger, easier to get at and they almost never go bad. 

Still I miss the old finger staining, tooth chipping salted nut of yesterday.  They just had personality.

How Boring Are You?

How Boring Are You?

People often ask me,

“Cranky, you are a child of the sixties, a crazy period in our country.  A time of sex, drugs and rock and roll.  A time of protests, a time of rebellion, oh the things you must have seen, the things you must have done.  How many times have you been arrested, what is the craziest place where you have had sex, what drugs did you take, how many battles did you fight?”

Surprisingly enough, I was pretty boring, even in the sixties.

“How boring were you?”

Sex?  I got to second base with maybe three different women before I was first married…how crazy is that?

Drugs?  I never had a drink until college and then only beer, I took a drag from a joint when I was 22, and I actually saw someone snort coke but I turned it down when it was offered.

Rock and Roll?  I listened, I tapped my feet, I hardly ever danced.  The first concert I ever went to was John Denver (What, that’s not rock and roll…never mind).  I learned about Woodstock on Monday morning after the event.

Protests? I complained about having to wear a tie at dinner every night in college.

I started smoking cigarettes when I dated a girl who smoked.

I started drinking heavy every day while married to my second wife, probably better than pushing her off a cliff.  Well at least that 12 years wasn’t boring!

I’ve been ticked for speeding once in fifty years, and that was an unavoidable speed trap for revenue gathering purposes…Oh, and I once got a parking ticket.

I did get into three fights in grade school, I won 2 and lost 1.  I think there were punches thrown but there was no blood.

Sky dive...no, scuba dive…no, flown a plane…no, I did race sailboats, in the bay, not the ocean, does that count for excitement…no? Dang!

I’ve never gambled more than $50, and only slot machines.

My only academic award was on a Latin test…honorable mention in a dead language, how is that for boring?

In high school I owned a sports car, but I never street raced it.

I got detention in school for talking in study hall, but I was never suspended, and I never cut a class.  What was my grade average in both high school and college? 

Drum roll please…

"C”.

How boring am I?  I got nothing else, I’m so boring even my examples of boring are boring.

How boring are you?