Stupid Headlines 120416

Stupid Headlines 120416

It is time again for

The NY Post just loves Anthony Weiner Headlines!

Stupid Headline Sunday

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments. 

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Time travellers could use parallel dimensions to visit the past, scientists claim – I have to admit, against the vast intelligence of these scientists, I am a parallel dimension denier.  (Yes, travelers is spelled incorrectly, not my error all you spell editor fanatics, this was a cut and paste.)

Man interviewing for job immediately regrets stealing company president's wallet – When he did not get the job Mr. Kastanza responded, “Was that wrong, should I not have stolen your wallet…I mean if I knew that was wrong…”

Man charged in golf club assault over course etiquette at Texas club – Etiquette faux pas carries a two stroke penalty, but that is supposed to be against the score, not the scull.

California Homeowner Association Tells Wife of Deployed Marine to Stop Flying American Flag - The Freedom to Display the American Flag Act of 2005 makes it illegal for an HOA to restrict owners from displaying the U.S. Flag. NOW STFU!

The U.K.'s first-ever 'plastic' 5 bill has really upset vegans – How many baby “plasts” died for each bill?

A robot stripper turns up the heat in Australia – Make it rain some WD-40 and the bolts will be coming off.

Chris Christie makes his pitch to lead the Republican National Committee – Just the man to bridge any gaps…well not bridge…but to stop any political jams…well not jams…but create lanes of progress…well not lanes…hmmm, maybe not a good choice.

Luke Bryan punches a heckler during live performance for making 'crude' and 'insulting' gestures – I’ve never heard of Luke Bryan, but I am now a big fan.

950-pound manatee rescued after being stuck in storm drain: 'Every life is precious' – This is great, but what impresses me is that a manatee can talk.

Toddler's Littering Citation Dropped – They’d better pick it up or that toddler will just get a ticket for dropping a ticket.

Man Arrested for Blocking Traffic While Dressed as Tree – When asked why, the man said he was stumped.

AND THE FEEL GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Photo shows Tennessee firefighters catching their first nap in 36 hours – Tough day at the office for some real heroes.

And the fires are finally out!!

Come back next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

No Opinion

No Opinion

A cranky non-opinion for

Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following non-opinion is the opinion of a cranky old man who has no opinion this week.  Opposing non-opinion are welcome, but they are wrong.  As always, please, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid-head.

“What’s the matter?” Mrs. Cranky wanted to know as I scratched my head in disgust while staring at an empty word document.

“I have no opinions.  I need to write something for ‘Cranky Opinion Saturday’ and I have no opinions.”

“What?  You have nothing but opinions.  I sit on this bed every night watching TV and hear nothing but your opinions.  ‘This commercial is stupid’ ‘I hate that guy’ ‘Why are we watching this stupid program’.  That doesn’t even cover your constant rants on politics, terrorism, religion, abortion, gay rights, where people can pee.  It never ends, what do you mean you have no opinions?”

“I can’t rant about TV or commercials, that can’t be an opinion post, I can’t be that shallow. 

I can’t post any opinions on politics, terrorism or religion, that will just get half of my followers to unfollow.  Abortion, gay rights, any social issue also just gets people angry.  I think all my opinions are just too divisive, even when I think I’m being pretty rational.  There is just too much anger out there to have any discussion these days.”

“Gun control?”

“No way, last time my life was threatened by people in seven states and three different countries.”

“What about sports?  You never shut up about sports.”

“Two thirds of my 27 followers are women and they could care not less about sports.  For some, the mere mention of sports gets them angry.  Except for that lady in Arkansas, and one baseball fan in Florida, none of them like sports.  One lady was even rooting for her granddaughter’s high school football team to lose so it would end the season for band practice!  Can you believe it? And she is an otherwise very nice lady.  I tell you it is brutal out there, I just have to end my opinions.”

“No way, then I’ll have to hear all your rants.  You need to vent in print to save me some sanity.  How about opinions on the differences between men and women?”

“Are you crazy?  That is a real powder keg.  The simple mention of differences between the sexes and I am branded a misogynist.  OMG, bring up one female stereotype and it comes back in spades about how horrible and lazy and stupid men are; that valedictorian lady will tell me to stick my opinions under a towel, and my few male readers won’t say a thing.  

The guy in Alabama just says ‘Your treading on thin ice Dude’ and they don’t even have ice in Alabama, do they?  Then the news caster dude in Arizona simply says he’s afraid to say anything because SWMBO* might see it; The ex-chubby guy in Oregon sometimes agrees with the caveat that it does not apply to his wife; and Mike in Montana just does a snide comment hit and run.  The only male reader that will voice a real opinion on gender differences is that builder in Texas and he’s on like his third marriage, so what does he know?

That’s it, no opinions this week, there is still too much anger in this world.”

“Isn’t no opinion because there is too much anger an opinion?”

The preceding non-opinion was the opinion of a cranky old man.

Who am I to argue with management…Mrs. Cranky.




*She Who Must Be Obeyed 

The Perfectionist

The Perfectionist

 Anyone out there a perfectionist? If there is one thing I am not, it is a perfectionist.  I am more of a “that’s-good-enoughonist.” 

The problem with being a that’s-good-enoughonist is it may not be a fast track to success in life.  

The problem with a perfectionist is they are never…ever…happy.

I was married to a perfectionist for many years.  If ever there was a combination destined for failure it would be pairing a that’s-good-enoughonist with a perfectionist.

As a that’s-good-enoughonist I could overlook flaws and imperfections.  As a perfectionist, she could not.  Actually wife #1 was worse than a perfectionist, it is one thing to not overlook a flaw, it is another to take a fine-tooth comb and a magnifying glass and not quit until you find something to complain about.

The first time I knew I was in deep trouble with this conflict of acceptance was when I wall papered a small kitchen in our first apartment.  I don’t think anyone wall papers anymore.  For you young people, wall paper was a paper product with patterns which you stuck on the wall instead of painting.  It used to be popular, but it was a giant pain to apply.  Wall papering was a skill that took much practice and patience.

One of the great difficulties in wall papering was matching the seams of each strip of paper that you applied.  If you had a flower pattern, you needed to match up the correct flowers in the correct pattern.

For this particular job, I was by necessity, a perfectionist.  Anything else in wall papering just looks horrible.  There is no good-enoughonist in matching a wall paper pattern.    

The room was tiny, but it still took hours for me to finish…well almost finish.  There was a two-foot by two-foot area between the stove and the wall that I did not paper.  The space between the stove and the wall was maybe three inches.

A perfectionist would have unhooked the stove, pulled it out, and papered the 2x2 area with a perfect matching piece of paper.  A that’s-good-enoughonist would take any old piece of 2x2 paper, apply the glue, reach in and slap the paper in willy-nilly.  The only way to see that the strip did not match the rest of the pattern would be to peek into that 2-3 inch opening with a flashlight and check it.

Who the hell would do that?

Who would see a beautiful job of wall papering and instead of praising their husband for doing a very nice job with a very difficult pattern, would complain and be miserable about a flaw that could only be observed when you peered into a 2-3 inch gap with a flashlight?

“No one will ever in a thousand years ever know the paper does not match in that small crevasse between the stove and the wall!”

“I’ll know it doesn’t match.”

Any question why this relationship did not go the distance?