I Do Not Understand The News Anymore

 

I Do Not Understand The News Anymore

I remember when reading the news was simple.  These days I only get confused.  

In an all out effort to not offend any person.  The news omits offensive words and fills them in with ____.

This does spare me from being the “O” word, but also leaves me wondering what the “F” word was the word they are protecting me from seeing?

I do know the “N” word.  I know it is not nice.  But when I see n____r, the actual word registers in my head, so I am still offended.   

What is accomplished buy leaving out the middle letters?

Often I see words represented by just letters and I have no idea what the word is. 

Is a_____e, an ass hole, or is it an arm mole?

If someone is a B word, is he/she/they/them a bitch, or a brat?

(Don’t get me started on pronouns)

What is a c___ s___er? A corn shucker? A crab shaker?

If we all know what a “the N-word” stands for, then why is saying “the N-word” any less offensive than saying…you know?

If we know what MFer stands for, then why not just say…you know?

Who is being protected from the offensive words?

What do you tell children when they ask,

“Daddy, what is a MFer?”

“It’s a bad word.”

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you.”

You just know eventually that child is going to call someone a MFer.  Won’t it still be offensive? And the child will not know why!

Reading the news used to be simple.  Now I have to figure out what offensive word a letter and blanks stands for.  

Here is one that bugs me.  As many times as I look up the current meaning of binary person or non-binary person, I always forget.  Is the N-word code for Non-binary person? Is the “B” word for a binary person? Is either one bad?

This pronoun stuff also has me confused.  (OK. I got me started)

I am sorry, but when I read an article that refers to “they” and it is just one person, I am confused.

When does Q mean the Q-word (you know!) and when does it mean a nutjob that believes conspiracies of something so bad that the news will not explain them (the conspiracies not a person or persons of unknown gender)? 

Are Q people G, or L, or B? 

Or are he/she/they/them the “R” word?

Where is George Carlin when we really need him?

 

 

Doesn’t Need Me, Still Letting Me Hang Around

 

Doesn’t Need Me, Still Letting Me Hang Around

My most recent post had me secure in my relationship with Mrs. Cranky because she needed me.  She needed me to open our front door which had a sticky lock.  The bolt gets difficult to move every winter.  At 60 degrees it seems to work.  Apparently, she only needs me in the Winter, but that makes her keep me around during the warmer seasons.  Until now.

Mrs. C wanted to just get a new lock.  I didn’t think that would make a difference.  I was convinced the issue was between the bolt and the door plate.

I thought about chiseling out the door and moving the plate a fraction of an inch so the bolt would not stick.  I had second thoughts.  Maybe my adjustment would make the door have a jiggly fit when the weather warmed up.

We called our friendly contractor Frank, who has done so many jobs for us that he gives advice for free…also he has friends in common with Mrs. C from way back.

Frank had a job nearby and offered to come around and take a look.

After about thirty seconds of examining the issue he asked if I had some two inch screws.  I managed to dig out several from my trusty jar of mish-mashed nuts, bolts and screws that I have saved from left over job for sixty years.

Frank replaced the screws in the doors top hinge.  Apparently the door was out of plumb by a tiny bit due to the door hinge 1 1/2 inch screws being imperceptibly loose.

With the door back in plumb the door lock engages and disengages like butter.

I guess I better be on my best behavior for a while.

WHY WOMEN REMEMBER DATES

 WHY WOMEN REMEMBER DATES

 

I've got nothing, so this one is so old it is almost new again...from 2012.

Just a reminder for those who insist on correcting and or debating the premise, this is SATIRE! A comment on life by using humor, irony and or exaggeration. 

A classic argument between men and women revolves around men’s inability to remember dates.  Women remember the exact date of any event they consider important.  Men vaguely remember the year…maybe the month and year.  Because women remember the exact date so easily, it is very upsetting to them when a man does not also remember.

Women correlate remembering the date with caring.  If you cannot even remember the date of an important event, then you must not even care.

Mrs. C remembers the exact day of our first date.  She remembers the first day I texted to her 143.  She remembers the first day I verbalized 143 and told her I loved her.  She remembers the date of everything.  Not just the date, but the day of the week that date fell on. 

How do women do it?  What gives them this skill that men do not possess?  I think it is simply a matter of biology and anatomy.

Because of anatomical and biological womanly functions, women are keenly aware of at least one day of every month.  They know when that day is due, how many days after they will be affected and when possible, plan their activities around this day and the following 4-5 days.

Because they are always keenly aware of this monthly event they always have a frame of reference to remember all other important days in their life.

When was the first time my husband took me to a movie?  Hmmm… it was March, eight days before I was expecting my regular event…It was March 9^th, a Friday.  What day did we get engaged?  It was December, two days after my monthly event ended…December 19^th…a Sunday.

If women want their man to remember important dates, they should mark their calendar.  Circle your lunar event, mark the number of days that will follow, and adjust the calendar as irregularity requires.  You will be surprised at the results.

What day did Aunt Martha have her operation?  Hmmm…it was in July; three days before…you know…that would make it July 19^th…a Tuesday.

OR

To really drill the importance of dates to your mate, inform him that every month you are going to kick him in the balls when he least expects it, and make sure he knows what day that event will occur.

 

When are we supposed to go out with the Frankles?  Hmmm…As I recall it will be one week after you kick me in the balls this month…that would be the 17^th…Saturday.

It is really very easy to remember dates, as long as you have a consistent frame of reference.

She Needs Me

 

She Needs Me

There is only one entrance to our townhome.  Our garage is attached, but unlike most of the units, there is no entry from the garage.  We have a sliding glass door off the rear deck, but a baseball bat blocks the slider because like most sliding glass doors, it does not take much to defeat the locking system…so, no entry from the back.

The front door is the only entry point.

In past winters, the dead bolt has been a little difficult to open.  On very cold days the metal of the bolt and the metal of the bolt plate seem to shrink in differing amounts causing the bolt to be a bit sticky.

I have been meaning to make an adjustment to the plate to fix this, but it has not been a problem, only a nuisance.  This winter it is a big problem.  The system is so tight that Mrs. C does not have enough strength to open the lock.

I can open it only as I have enough weight to push on the door to relieve some bolt/plate friction and enough wrist strength to force it open.

If Mrs. C is out, she will send me a text before she is home so I will undo the bolt for her.  When we go out together, I am the only one who can engage the bolt when we leave or open it with a key when we get home.

I think a slight plate adjustment would fix the problem. 

I am not going to fix it.

It is good to be needed.

I have spouse security until spring.