How To Beat The Patriots

How To Beat The Patriots

A cranky Super Bowl Special

The big game is tomorrow.  Wait, come back!  Damn, there go two thirds of my readers.  Oh well, for all you guys and Arkansas Patti, if you are interested I will tell you how to beat the New England Patriots.

First of all, being from New Jersey where the Jets play and annually lose twice to the Pats, and the Giants have won two Super Bowls against the Patriots, it is a requirement to hate the Patriots.  Yes, their coach was an assistant for two Giant Super Bowl victories, but then he was named coach of the Jets for about a day and he threw all that away to coach in New England where all he has done is win and all the Jets have done is lose, so yeah, we hate Belichick and we hate the Pats.

Anyway.

The Giants beat the Patriots twice in Super Bowls.  Here is how they did it.

The key to beating the Patriots is very simple.  Every football expert will tell you, the key is to pressure their QB, Tom Brady.  That’s it, genius, right?  Tom Brady is not a great QB when he is under pressure.  Of course, no QB is great under pressure.  Most just plain suck if they are rushed.  Brady is only damn good when he is pressured, so when I say pressure I mean you have to sack his butt at least four or five times and you have to hit him on 85% of his passes.  If you can do that then Brady is only a good QB.

Second, how do you sack Brady that often and force the issue on so many passes when the Patriots offensive line is very good at protecting Brady and Brady is darn good at sidestepping a rush and picking a blitz apart?  Shit, I don’t know, that’s why defensive coordinators get paid so much, I’m just telling you, that if you don’t sack Brady’s butt and make him rush his passes you don’t have a snowballs chance in hell to beat the Patriots.

Next, assuming you can sack Brady and make him rush his passes, you have to control the ball on the offense.  You have to run the ball, control the clock and keep Brady off the field.  How do you run the ball and control the clock against a defense with a great front line, excellent backers, and the best defensive backs in the game?  Shit, I don’t know, that’s why offensive coordinators are paid so much, I’m just telling you that if you don’t run the ball and control the clock, you don’t keep Brady off the field and eventually he will kill you.

Finally, and this was the secret to the Giants success in beating the Patriots twice; after you sack and pressure Brady, and run the ball to control the clock you will still find yourself down by at least three points.  You will have a third and twenty to go with less than a minute in the game.  Here is where you beat the Pats…you fling the ball down field just before you are sacked and your receiver keeps the drive alive with a ridiculous one in a million catch with one hand and his helmet or a sideline-hugging grab that even instant replay can’t believe.  Then while the defense is trying to figure out how that happened, quick score a TD and win the game.

Easy…pressure the crap out of Brady, run the ball to control the clock, and make a one in a million catch at the last minute.

 

Game over. Falcons win 27-24.

NEWS AT 11:00

NEWS AT 11:00

Too lazy to write; this cranky re-run is from January 2012

Tune in tomorrow for this years Super Bowl Special post.

This post was inspired by my step-crank Peter.  If you find it entertaining, it is due to my sharp wit.  If it sucks, blame the step-crank!

So I’m on my computer the other day at around 8:30 with the TV on in the background and I hear the announcer blurt out, “What you don’t know about your dishwasher that can kill you….NEWS AT 11:00!”  I’m thinking, “Damn…I was about to run the dishwasher, now I have to wait for the 11 o’clock news or I might kill myself.”

Of course they don’t tell you at 11 o’clock how your dishwasher might kill you, they wait till 11:29 before the dishwasher news finally hits the air.  It turns out that if you overload your dishwasher, run it at high heat dry and have a frayed wire in the outlet, it can cause a fire which could kill you.  

“DUH at 11:00.”  

How about just saying “Don’t use electrical shit that has frayed wires!”  

TV stations do this every night.  They do it on every channel. Every night there are five different things that I have to wait until 11:29 to find out how not to kill myself.  Usually the warning comes from some study not yet verified and only a snippet of the study is used.

"Cell phones may melt your brain!  NEWS AT 11:00.”  

At 11:29 I find out that scientists have submitted a 2000 page study on the safety of cell phones that contains a one sentence statement:

“Studies indicate that constant use of a cell phone, eight hours per day or more, has been shown to lower the IQ of 8% of lab rats by 4% in a double blind test.”

Frig the cell phone warning; to me the real news story is that scientists managed to have lab rats talk on a cell phone for eight hours a day!

“Your shoes may make your feet fall off!  NEWS AT 11:00.”  

Now I can’t wear any shoes until 11:29.  It turns out that if your shoes are two sizes too small and you wear them two days in a row, it could cut off circulation, cause gang-green, and you could lose your feet.

You know…without hearing this dire warning, I’m pretty sure I would take off the shoes when I could no longer feel my feet. 

“DUH AT 11:00.”

“Saliva, the stealth poison! NEWS AT 11:00.”

I think I’m just going to take a chance on this one.  

SEINFELD RERUN AT 11:00!

Out Of The Closet

Out Of The Closet

This sexual identification thing is very confusing.  One is either a male or a female, right?  If you are a man you are attracted to women, right?  If you are a woman you are attracted to men, right? Actually, that last one always confuses me a little.

What is this with men attracted to men and women attracted to women (like I said, I do understand that one), and some genders think they are the other gender.  It is absolutely crazy.  I don’t understand it at all. 

It should not confuse me though, because I am different myself.

I admit it, I am Bi.  I go either way.  It depends on the situation but sometimes I just naturally gravitate to one side or the other.  It is not easy to admit this, lots of people will not understand, they can just not relate. They have spent their whole life believing you must be just one way or the other. 

Tough, I am different and I don’t care what others think anymore.  I am sure there are others like me who spend their lives pretending they only go one way.  Well dammit, I go either way and it feels good to tell the world.

Sometimes I go right, sometimes I go left.  I am Bi.

There is no real rhyme or reason for my choice, it seems for the most part if the situation is sensual in nature I go left.  If it is a strength orientated situation I go right.  Sometimes regardless I just go whichever way feels correct at the time.

For instance, food is sensual to me and I use my left hand to carve with a knife and to eat with a fork.  Most sports I am right handed.  I throw a ball right handed, I catch right handed yet I swing a baseball bat either way…I strike out right handed or left handed, it makes no difference.  I played Lacrosse right handed.  They encourage you to play Lacrosse with either hand, and yet I was only mediocre at best from the left side.

Shooting pool is sensual to me and I shoot left handed.  I’ve never shot a gun, but I’m pretty sure I would suck from both sides.  As I think back to my cap and water pistol days, my instinct is to use the left hand.

I deal cards right handed, but if the convention was to deal right to left I would use my left hand to deal.

I play guitar right handed, but that is just how most guitars are strung, also you pretty much have to use both hands anyway so…

The other day I read it was “Lefty” day, and I felt “Left” out.  Should I celebrate?  I’m not really a lefty, I’m not really a righty.  It is strange being Bi.  There must be others.  We should have our own day.

I think I will make February 29^th national Bi day.  Who will join me in 2020?