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Monday, April 20, 2015

COMPUTER EXPERTS


COMPUTER EXPERTS
 
Everyone knows a computer expert. 

“You have a virus? My nephew can fix it, he knows everything there is to know about computers.”

Well…maybe.

That is kind of like saying, “You have a heart problem? My nephew can fix it, he’s a dermatologist.  He knows everything there is to know about anatomy.”

Computers are as complex as human anatomy.  Experts are generally software experts or hardware experts or communications experts or storage experts or so on and so on.  Granted, a lot of computer people have general knowledge and can fix common problems, but I don’t think anyone knows everything.

Years ago I had to work with excel spreadsheets.  I learned to do a few simple excel tasks of which there are about 10,000.  Many people in the office thought I was an “expert.”  Many people were wrong.

What expertise I had, I learned from Debbie.

The go-to expert in our office, and this was in the very early days of office PCs, was Debbie.  Debbie did not have any computer degrees.  Debbie never took any computer courses, but Debbie could do anything with computers.  Debbie knew everything there was to know about computers.  Debbie was a computer expert. 

Debbie was invaluable in our office.  If you had a computer problem or needed to do something fancy…graphs…spreadsheets…special computation…or any various kinds of data shuffling, you went to Debbie.

I once went to Debbie to learn how to do some tricky data shuffling while combining multiple spreadsheets.  It was then that I learned the secret behind Debbie’s extraordinary computer ability.

Debbie was very good at following instructions from the “Help” tab.

“I don’t know why everyone keeps coming to me for stuff; it is all right there for you on the “Help” tab, but let’s make that our little secret.”

There was no need to keep it a secret.

Debbie was right, the “Help” tab can show you how to do almost anything on the computer.  The problem is most people like myself do not have the patience or the ability to learn from the “Help” tab.  I need to see things demonstrated. I am very visual.

Debbie could follow directions without demonstrations.  Most people do not have that ability, and so she was the go-to person to figure out a new function and then teach it to us visual learners.

Debbie didn't know everything about computers, but she was our  “expert,” and we were damn glad to have her.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

$650,000,000 DOWN THE DRAIN - a crankiy re-run

$650,000,000 DOWN THE DRAIN
This week's cranky re-run is from April 2012
 

Well…$1.00 down the drain, but I was prepared to spend $650 million.


Mrs. Cranky bought a one dollar ticket for the record size lottery this week.  We did not win.  While we were waiting to lose, we discussed how we were going to spend the money. 


I suggested as multi (650) millionaires we would have to move from our comfortable but bourgeois townhouse.  Mrs. C disagreed.  We had our first fight in four years.


Mrs. C wanted to give large sums of money to brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, neighbors and friends.  I disagreed.  We had our second real fight in four years.


Mrs. C wanted a vacation home on the Jersey Shore.  I wanted a palace in Bermuda.  We had our third real fight in four years.


I wanted a new car for everyday of the week.  Mrs. C said those cars would take up too much space in our bourgeois townhouse parking lot,  she wanted a giant SUV.  We had our fourth real fight in four years.


Fortunately we did not win the $650 million.  Our marriage could not have survived the pressure of spending all that money.


Personally, I think she wasted the one dollar on such a foolish pipe-dream. 


She wants to buy another ticket next week. 


We are now having our fifth real fight in the last four years

Mrs. Cranky's shopping list results

Mrs. Cranky's shopping list results
 
 
 
Answers
Cell Tom LetCelery/ Tomato/ Lettuce
Aimonos = Almonds
Vitre = Vitamins
Wails = Waffles
TPaqr = Toilet Paper
Shrodmy Chz = Shredded cheese
Baudy w/cocaine = Bounty with Dawn
Raisins = Raisins!
Stong Berns = String Beans
Turky = Turkey
Humas = Humus
Lima = Lima beans
Notema Bod lotier = Noxzema Body Lotion
Soap = Soap
Cknbests = Chicken Breasts
Stenk Chz = String Cheese
Pizzas = Pizzas
Milk = Milk
Butter Bomt = Butter Both kinds (stick and soft spread)
 
A perfect score would be 21
 
The Entries:
 
       betty
  • Here is what I could decipher but its only about half the list:

    Tomato
    Lettuce
    Toilet paper
    Bounty (paper towels?)
    Raisins
    Turley
    Noxzema Lotion
    Pizzas
    Humus
    Lima (beans?)
    Soup
    Milk

    I'm probably wrong on 50% on those, LOL
  •  
  • Now if she dictated the list with a heavy accent, I would have better like to decipher it :)

  • betty   10 1/2 correct


  1. Good god, it's worse than usual but I'll give it a go!
    Tom tomatoes), lettuce
    Ammo (bit worrying!)
    Raisins
    Pizza (s)
    Stout beans?
    Turkey
    Soap
    Milk
    Chz (cheese??)
    Lima (llamma?)
    Butter
    Nuttella
    Wafls (waffles?)
    Bounty (could be chocolate bar or kitchen towel)
    Chilly busts ...

    That's it, I'm done ...    9 1/2 correct
     

  1. I got tomato, lettuce, raisins, turkey, chicken breast, pizzas, butter, milk, soap, humus, lima (beans?), bounty without something, shampoo, cheese, waffles. The rest is just gobbledegook designed to keep you out of the house longer.    11 1/2 correct
     



  2. Holy crap. Raisins, green beans, turkey, soap, pizza, milk, toilet paper--phooey, I am just guessing here. She could create an unbreakable military code.  5 correct
  3.  
  4. Good grief... I'm not very good at this, but here goes.

    Celery
    Tomatoes
    Lettuce
    Almonds
    toilet paper
    Bounty w/Dawn???
    Raisins
    Waffles
    Chardonnay
    String beans
    Turkey
    Soap
    Milk
    Pizzas
    Butter

    That's the best I can do. Some are a mystery.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺    13 1/2 correct
  5. Oh my gosh! I'll give it a shot, but I'm really too busy laughing at this post to be very effective. You're awesome. Okay, here goes: celery, tomatoes, lettuce, almonds, toilet paper, Bounty, Dawn, turkey, pizzas, milk, raisins, soap...I give up!

    Might I suggest an iPhone app called Grocery IQ? That's what I use. :-)  11 correct
  6. Celery, tomato, lettuce, almonds, vitamins, waffles, shampoo,
    H20 (water), string beans, lima beans, humming bird, soap, seltzer, milk, toilet paper, paper towels, raisins, turkey, nutemabooco2, chicken breasts, butterbont

    These are fun!   14 correct 
  7. celery
    tomato
    lettuce
    almonds
    toilet paper
    bounty ?
    raisins
    turkey
    noxema ?
    chicken breasts
    pizzas
    butter - both
    vitamins?
    wails?
    shop rag?
    cheese
    string beans
    hummus?
    lima
    soap
    stork?
    eltz?
    milk

    oh, good golly!   17 correct
  8. I do work for a number of clients with atrocious handwriting, so this is what my working hours are often spent doing. No problemo!

    Celery, tomato, lettuce, almonds, toilet paper, Bounty w/o Ann, raisins, turkey, Noxema Bouscotia, chicken breasts, pizzas, butter (both), vitre, waffles, shropser cheese, string beans, humiglima, soap, stork cheese, milk.

    Well, maybe a coupla problemos ...    15 correct
  9. J
    This one's easier than last time!
    Celery Tomatoes Lettuce
    Almonds Vitamins Waffles
    Toilet Paper
    Bounty with Dawn
    Sharp Cheddar Cheese
    Raisins String Beans
    Turkey Hummus Lima Beans
    Nutella Biscotti Soap
    Biscuits Stinky Cheese
    Pizzas Milk
    Butter - both (since she figures you'll prolly bring home the wrong one, so this ensures she'll get what she wants!)
    I hope I win becuz I really suck at Headlines!   18 1/2 correct
  10. Well, once you've heard of Bounty w/opium it's tough to keep concentration on other unrelated tasks. Where do we find said bounty?    1/2 correct
     
  11. Today's list was relatively easy--I think I got them all!!
    Celery
    Tomatoes
    Lettuce
    Armones
    Toilet paper
    Bounty without fun OR Bounty without Ann
    Raisins
    Turkey
    Nutema Bouyeutier (this one was easy)
    Chicken breasts
    Vitamins
    Waffles
    Short hairspray
    Cheese
    String beans OR strong beans
    Humongous lima
    Soup
    Stank
    E Hertz
    Milk
    Pizzas
    Butterbunt

    Do I get a whoop-di-doo?   14 1/2 correct
  12. Mrs. Cranky’s spelling might be somewhat poor, but her shopping list is crystal clear. In fact, this is the easiest one so far. Since the list is not numbered, I have used the holistic approach I use with my wife when I return home with dog food in preparation for the Saturday night get together.

    The first thing you must do is get on the cellphone and call Tom. Tell him to have the airline tickets ready. Then, be sure to pick up the vitamin-infused waffles, some Paella, and any Bovine products injected with opium. The raisins took me a while, but I finally got it.

    Back over on the right, immediately on top of the string bikinis, I see the combination shrimp/chicken meal, which I assume is a TV dinner. Below the string bikinis is a copy of a book published in Peru by Ernest Hemingway’s distant Latin American cousin Heminglima, followed by a package of combination soup and laundry detergent guaranteed to clean you out after the fine meal she is preparing.

    After acquiring the sudsy soup, be sure to get hold of Tarik and ask him for some fresh Nvtemabooeyoner from Dubai. Mrs. C. did not make it clear if the Nvtemabooeyoner was the one or two hump kind, so you should be okay. They usually go quite well with the Ckkbists pizzas. I’m Italian and I know I love ‘em.

    Finally, after picking up some stork cheese made from real millc, be sure to pick up a bottle of the newly discovered vitamin B177 ebony pills. They will help with the black hole that will form in the pit of your stomach when you return with the wrong items. Don’t worry about a thing. You will even F…up the raisins.
  13. OK, I'll try. (Do I count as a close friend?)

    At the top, she needs celery, tomatoes, lettuce and almonds.

    Left column: toilet paper, Bounty w/ Dawn, raisins, notemaboohidita, chicken beasts, pizzas, and batterbont.

    Right column: vitamins, waffles, S hairspray, cheese, string beans, hummus, lima, (hmmm...is that hummus from Lima, Peru, or maybe lima beans?), soap, stork (stork...whoa, who's expecting???), cheese (really, twice?), don't get orange juice, but do get milk.    17 correct
  14. You should market these to recruiters. Put a list like this in front of any candidate interviewing for a job and see what they come up with. It'll weed out any nuts and flakes much quicker than any question about "where do you see yourself five years from now?"
  15. As near as i can make out, the list includes celery, tomato, lettuce, bananas, toilet paper, Bounty paper towels (without a pattern on them, perhaps?), waffles, cheese (listed twice, i think either sharp cheddar or provolone or both), string beans, lima beans, butter beans, milk, humus, soap, raisins, turkey, Nutella, Biscotti, pizza, and chicken breasts. There's only one thing on there i cannot make out at all, it looks like "vitre" or "vitrs" and could mean vitamins.
    16 correct
  16. Celery, Tomato, Lettuce
    Kimono
    Toilet paper
    Bounty with opium
    RAISINS
    Turkey
    Nutmeg booty lotion
    Crabists
    Pizzas
    Butterbutt
    Viter
    Wails
    Sharping cheese
    Stoma berms
    Humus lima
    Soap
    Stenk eltz
    Milk

    Good luck finding that all in one store!    12 correct
  17.  
    Interesting how she mixes upper and lower cases. Mixing "As" with "e".    Did not guess
THE WINNER:

J - WHOOP-TEE-DOO!!  Visit J @ http://www.whathappensatgrandmas.com/

FUNNIEST COMMENT:
JJ   Go visit JJ @ http://thedisconnectedwriter.blogspot.com/

The J's have it.

Niece Nicole wins another dinner with 171/2.