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Friday, July 25, 2014

PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!


PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!
I am a proud heterosexual male and have been so for as long as I can remember.  I will occasionally high five or fist bump another PHM.  I will occasionally let out a loud grunt of approval.  I will unleash a neanderthalian “YEAH!!” when my team scores.  I have even nudged another PHM when an attractive female passes by and commented that “Yeah, I’d tap that” when in fact I know that “that” is untappable by the likes of me.  It is just what PHM do.  It is pretty much required.

Still.

I am embarrassed by the current crop of PHM, especially those as seen on Reality TV.

When I see a bald fat man win a cooking competition, punch the sky, whoop it up, toss in a few YEAH’s and grunts while fist bumping and high fiving everyone within range, I cringe. 

“DUDE!! You cooked the best risotto! You did not win the World Cage Fighting Championship.”

I watched a bowling match the other day.  I love to bowl, but it is just rolling a ball at big sticks.  Throwing a ball is manly, hitting a ball is macho, rolling a ball is fun, but it is ROLLING A BALL.  The winner of this match wrapped up his victory by converting a single pin spare.  He jumped up and down, punched the sky, bent over and made a double fist while screaming ferociously,

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about, YEAH!!”

“Dude, well done, but it is bowling, you rolled a ball really well, relax, you are embarrassing all PHM.”

Recently I saw a guy correctly answer a “Wheel of Fortune” “Before and After” puzzle.  You would have thought he just won the Super Bowl.

“Damn Dude, man up and relax.  You won $1800 dollars and you beat two women, a Yippee would do.”

Look, real men don’t eat quiche.  Real men don’t cry…often.  Real men ogle, but try and be respectful and hide it.  Real men know how to give another real man a proper man hug (chest in, butt out, three thumps to the back and release) but real men do not over-react to simple successes. 

Simple success can be followed by a swift hand clap and can even include a “YES” if it is not a rub-it-in “YES.”  A simple win should be followed by “Nice game” and a hand shake, high five or fist bump.

Real men control their emotions as if to show their winning or success is commonplace. 

Uncontrolled jumping, sky punching, screaming, chest bumping and Ultimate Warrior facial expressions should be reserved for winning the Super Bowl, World Series, World Cup or any such once in a life time achievements.

Unless, of course, you do tap the untappable.   

Thursday, July 24, 2014

YOU SAY HELLO, I SAY GOODBYE


YOU SAY HELLO, I SAY GOODBYE

Look, I am just not fond of talking on the telephone.   I love to text, when used properly: “B thr in 5” or “OK” or “Can’t do it…thx” and so on; is great.  I like anything to convey a message without having to go through massive chit-chat.  I hate chit-chat.

Chit-chat is just passing time.  Chit-chat on the phone is just some peoples thumb-twiddling.  I don’t mind actual thumb-twiddling because it doesn’t take up my time.

Women are particularly guilty of this verbal thumb-twiddling.  If they are in the car “doing nothing” they call someone and twiddle thumbs together.  To me, driving a car is not doing “nothing,” I do not answer the phone when I am driving.  Some men are also guilty of telephone thumb-twiddling.  I just tell them, “Dude, you are like a woman on the phone.”  Apparently that is politically incorrect.


RTIt is now apparently incorrect to tell someone they “throw like a girl.”  I understand that, but it is so much easier than saying, “You step with the wrong foot and lead with your arm not your body and couldn’t hit he broadside of a barn”…I’m just sayin.


One reason Mrs. C and I are compatible is she shares this aversion to long telephone chatting about nothing.  Our conversations generally go like this:

“I’m leaving work now.”

“Ok, see ya soon.”

Or

“Don’t forget to take out the garbage.”

“Ok, see ya soon.”

Or

“You’re a jerk!”

“Ok, see ya soon.”

Mrs. Cranky does have trouble getting rid of telephone thumb- twiddlers though.  She is way too nice.  Some people call her to just vent their own uninteresting shit, and she does not know how to end the blather.

I suggest she use the old “My attery is unning ow” excuse.  She just can’t do it.  I suggest she claim she is late for an appointment.   She can’t do it.  Mrs. Cranky sometimes gets calls late at night and still she listens.

Her biggest flaw is she responds every so often in the middle of the twiddling with an “Oh WOW!”  I tell her the “Oh WOW!” may be polite, but it is telling the caller, “Damn this is interesting.”  Instead she should resort to and occasional “Uh huh” followed by “What was that? I got distracted by my falling eyelids.”

She can’t do it, she is too nice.

I screen all my calls.  I have to as I keep getting chased down by a bill collector trying to collect on a utility bill that my ex-wife ran up after I was thrown out of my house.  If I don’t know a number I don't answer.  If it is so important, they can leave a message. 

Mrs. Cranky answers every call.  She thinks it is rude to not answer the phone. 

She says hello.

I say good bye.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE


TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE

This post is for men only.  Move on women, nothing to see here.

Are the women gone?  Are we good?  Ok, listen up dudes:

After 68 years above ground, three marriages and a couple of screwed up relationships to boot, I have the answer as to why none of us understand women.

EVERYTHNG IS A TEST!!

When they say

I don’t really want anything for my anniversary.

 IT IS A TEST!

If you don’t get them more than a card, YOU FAIL.  If you don’t even get a card, you fail with great prejudice.  When you do buy something nice they will say,

I told you not to get me anything!  Aww, it’s ok, I forgive you.”

Congratulations, you passed the test.

When the garbage is almost full, she will not tell you because, IT IS A TEST!  If you do not take it out before she tells you, YOU FAILED THE TEST! 

I grant you, if you take it out too soon she will point out your misuse of space and waste of money on excess garbage bags, but trust me that is part of the test…no one said this was easy. 

If she tells you to

Please take out the garbage

YOU FAILED THE TEST!  If she adds,

Why do I always have to tell you?  You failed with great prejudice.

When your woman makes any change to her hair.  IT IS A TEST.  If you do not notice, YOU FAILED.  If you do notice and say you like the change, she will ask,

Really, I think it may be too short. 

That is also a test.  You must respond that you really loved it long, but the new cut is cute.  This will be a pass.  If you agree it is too short, YOU FAILED THE TEST.

Hint: Any time your lady leaves the house, when she returns you ask, “Did you do something different?  You look extra nice today.”  This is cheating, but it assures you will not fail a pop quiz.

If she asks would you like to go out to dinner, the answer is always,

Yes, you could use a break from the kitchen.” 

Any other answer is a FAIL.

When she asks where you would like to go to dinner, do not answer,

I don’t know where do you want to go? 

This is a FAIL. 

The correct answer is

How about something nice, you deserve fancy? 

If she wants casual dining she will tell you and still you have passed the test.


There is much more of course, and you all know the easy ones,

Does this dress make me look fat?

 You’re not going to wear that are you?

Was my dinner OK?Actually if she has to ask you failed…but some serious gushing could buy you a pass.


Anyway guys the point is, the reason it is hard to understand women is because everything is a test to see if you care!  If you are not sure of what she really wants when she asks a question, suggests something unusual, or reacts in an unusual way, ASSUME IT IS A TEST.  Try and act in a way that indicates you care.  Take your time, some questions have a trick answer, but take too long and you automatically fail.

And remember, if you do fail, there is always extra credit for flowers and candy. 

If you trip up on a final exam it may take jewelry.

Good luck, and be careful out there.