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Monday, February 8, 2016

CRANKY’s SUPER BOWL PARTY


CRANKY’s SUPER BOWL PARTY
This is a stunt Cranky
Super Bowl 2016 is over and I had a great time at my Super Bowl party.  There were no critiques of commercials, half time was spent watching the Puppy Bowl on the Animal Planet, and there were no stupid questions about the game from people that really didn’t give a rat’s ass.

“Why would they kick when there’s only a little bit to go for that first down thing?”

“Arrrgh…STFU!”

Who was at my Super Bowl party?  Me, myself and I.  This has been my traditional party for the last five years.  There are two reasons for this.  First I hate big Super Bowl parties.  Second I never get invited to anyone else’s party.  Don’t go all feeling sorry for me; I have come to like it that way.  It is my new tradition. Me in the basement watching the game and texting my son in Massachusetts, and Mrs. Cranky upstairs leaving me alone and watching “Sex and the City” re-runs.

I have my traditional fried mozzarella sticks and wings for an appetizer, and for dinner the traditional Domino’s Pizza.  Why Mrs. C orders Domino’s for Super Bowl when there are dozens of restaurants in the area that make and deliver “real” pizza made by someone named Mario, I have no idea.  All year long if we order pizza, we order real pizza, but for Super Bowl Mrs. C orders cardboard pizza.  I don’t argue with tradition. 

This year I even had a can of beer.  I am a wild man like that sometimes.

Anyway, it was a great game and my pre-Super Bowl prediction of a Denver win makes my blog prediction record one-in-a-row.  http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2016/02/super-bowl-l-prediction.html . 

The fact that my prediction was based on the Super Bowl number being designated by the Roman numeral “L” as they have always done and not by the actual number “50” which they did this year should not diminish my prediction.   I did miss on the final score, but come on.

My final football prediction this year is that Payton Manning will retire, and Cam Newton will play in a bunch more Super Bowls. 

There were some complaints about how Cam handled himself after the loss.  I am not one to say a thing about that…I throw a tantrum when I miss a short putt for par.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

YOUR DIPLOMA HAS BEEN REVOKED

YOUR DIPLOMA HAS BEEN REVOKED
This re-run is from February 2012



 Dear Sir,


Due to a change in the College’s requirements for graduation we find that the degree awarded to you in 1968 was in error. You are nine credits short of graduation; your diploma has been revoked.


Sincerely,


Lafayette College


This is the start of a dream that used to recur about three times a year.  In it my job is dependent on a degree.  To keep my job I go back to school to earn those nine credits.


I was not a good student in college.  I had too much fun and not enough smarts.  I managed to barely scrape through going on and off probation right up to my final semester.  My graduation was in doubt until the last hour when grades were posted and I just slipped in under the minimum grade point average wire.


Having to go back and earn nine more credits without slipping under the required grade point average is indeed a nightmare. 


The only part of this dream that I ever remember when I wake up in a cold sweat is having to take my final exam in Ancient History (I know…there was no such course).  In the dream I did not attend a single class or lecture.  I never read a page of the required reading.  I never even bought the book. Somehow I thought I could borrow the book and read it the night before the final exam.  No one is willing to lend me the book.  The book is not available for sale.  The test is due in one hour.  That is when I wake up in a cold sweat.


I have not had this dream since I retired four years ago.


I’m retired. 


I don’t need my job. 


I don’t need the degree. 


Fuck you dream!

Saturday, February 6, 2016

STUPID HEADLINES 020716


STUPID HEADLINES 020716

It is time again for
They waffled a bit on the no adultery thing
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  


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Coyotes staring down drivers may be high on mushrooms – Just give them your potato chips and move on dude.

Up to 90 percent of US paper money contains traces of cocaine – Well for God sake don’t give the coyotes any money, they’re high enough.

Church reportedly tells 84-year-old woman she can't be buried next to her husband – Well at least not while she’s still breathing.

Student demands lifetime supply of Kit Kat bars after buying eight lacking wafers – Demands? Or else what?

Former DA testifies Bill Cosby can't be prosecuted – The DA made the announcement right after taking a few sips of medicinal tea that was graciously offered by Mr. Cosby’s attorney.



Mississippi jury summons directs people to call sex hotline – Apparently they have a very different Voir dire process in Mississippi.

Bill Clinton Was On Another Planet Last Night – Well they say men are from Mars, so I assume Bill went to Venus.

North Korea sending balloons filled with cigarette butts into South Korea – Meanwhile, South Korea is leaving flaming paper bags of dog poop on the North Korean border.

Vagina Powerlifter Claims To Know The Secret Of Great Sex – You just have to work on the snatch*.

Colo. Principal bans Peyton Manning jerseys, but Cam Newton gear is OK –    

“I don’t understand that rule.”

Black customers sue Denny’s for asking them to prepay for their meal – I’ve had several meals at Denny’s and have never been asked to prepay…probably because I’m old.


*The snatch is the first of two lifts contested in the sport of weightlifting

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Come back next week for more:



STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!