JUST SAY NO TO DAD IN THE DELIVERY ROOM

JUST SAY NO TO DAD IN THE DELIVERY ROOM

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man who has only limited knowledge on the subject opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, they are wrong, but welcome and please, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid head.

A recent NJ court decision “N.J. judge cites women's rights in barring unwed dad from child's birth” stirred up this cranky opinion.

I completely agree with this judge’s decision that a woman has the right to privacy and to bar anyone including the father from the hospital delivery room.  Not only do I agree with this decision, I would like to go one step further…Fathers should, in all but the most unusual circumstances, be barred from the delivery room.

I know all about this “most beautiful experience a man could have” stuff.  I have been subjected to four such beautiful experiences.  I was told I would be my wife’s birthing coach, I would be an integral part of the process, and my presence would forge an even closer relationship between my wife and myself.

Crap, crap, and crap.  I was a useful birthing coach up until dilation of four centimeters; at that point I became the object of my wife’s anger.

“Pant, pant, blow, pant, pant, blow…that’s right, you are doing great.”

“FUCK YOU great…this is all your fault, you think I’m doing great, why don’t you try pushing a football out you asshole you douche!”

“I know it is hard, but concentrate, breath through the pain, hold my hand, I’m here for you.”

“I know you are here, but you ARE NOT HELPING.  If you want to help me just shut the fuck up!”

I soon learned to just STFU, and dab her brow with a damp cloth and feed her ice chips.

When the time came for the actual delivery, I saw something that no man should be forced to watch.  My wife’s most private of parts turned inside out.  It was hideous.

The result of the father’s presence in the delivery room is:

The mother associates all the pain and misery of delivery with the father.  Every time she sees the father she is brought back to the worst hours of the delivery process.  She remembers how totally useless her man was.  She remembers how his nervousness, panic, and attempts to help actually made her more tense and self-conscious.  

Dad remembers the name calling, the screaming, and the helplessness.  Dad remembers his wife acting like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.” He remembers her body being turned inside out and he will never look at her the same again.

Husbands and wives should not see each other at their worst.  In the delivery room, they are both at their worst.  Women should give birth with the help and empathy that only another woman can provide.  They should deliver with the help of the doctor and a nurse…no one else.

Men should pace back and forth in a waiting room.  They can worry without their wife seeing.  Women do not like to see their man being helpless.  Man should not see his wife until after the baby is born.

It is then, when his woman is experiencing the ecstasy of birth that he should be the first person she sees.  It is in her elation at this time that seeing the father will strengthen the parental bonds.  It is in this moment that the marriage becomes even stronger.

For the sake of the marriage, for the sake of the child, keep men the hell out of the delivery room.

The preceding opinion was that of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.