STUPID HEADLINES 122318

STUPID HEADLINES 122318

I Don't care

This week’s stupid headlines, and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Senate unanimously votes to make lynching a federal crime – Holy Shit!  Who knew lynching was legal? Still time to hang a few people before this gets signed into law!

Florida mom, daughter sent contraband to prison via drone delivery – Only in Florida!

Missouri man must watch ‘Bambi’ monthly as part of poaching punishment – That sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.

Why you should skip the workout if you're hungover, according to experts – I don’t need an expert to tell me not to work out, if I feel like shit, I stay home.

Actual Witches Say They're Offended By Trump Using the Term 'Witch-hunt'- This is ridiculous, I’m pretty sure the President is just confused and is asking Which Hunt?

Eliot Spitzer sneaked his $5G-a-night Russian escort into his home in suitcase – I remember when this guy was busting Wall Street and acting all high and mighty and thinking, “I don’t know, he just looks like a real Dick!”  I think I was right.

Just looks like a Dick…Right?

Michigan ‘miracle lady’ starts breathing moments after plug is pulled on life support – Nice story, but I have to wonder, the husband made the difficult decision to pull the plug and now every time she sees him, is she thinking “You pulled the friggin plug!!”

Ford recalls nearly 900,000 F-150 pickups after fires – It would have been nice if they recalled them before they went up in flames!

Referee Makes High School Wrestler Cut His Dreadlocks or Forfeit Match – WTF!! What is wrong with people? (Kid cut his hair and won the match…ref is a douche!)

PETA condemns Popeyes' 'emotional support chicken' – Popeyes’ latest promotion, fried chicken in a basket that looks like a big chicken condemned by PETA.  These people have way too much time on their hands.

Alfonso Ribeiro sues video game creator over 'Carlton' dance – You can copyright a dance?  Crap, the guy that invented the Waltz must be loaded!

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Retired Marine tackles gun-wielding bar patron in Pennsylvania – I don’t know about you, but a good well-deserved Marine ass-kicking always warms my heart…when will people learn not to mess with a Marine of any age?

https://www.foxnews.com/us/retired-marine-helps-stop-armed-robbery-at-pennsylvania-bar

BEST GIFT EVER

BEST GIFT EVER

Most people agree that Christmas is the best time of the year.  Not just for it’s religious significance, but there is just something special in the air this time of the year.  Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Ripping Ramadan, Kwazy kwanza, what ever you celebrate or even if you celebrate nothing, people are just nicer this time of the year.

The great thing about Christmas is, of course, getting presents.  Now we all learned that it is better to give than receive, and that is where my best gift ever comes.

The best gift ever is not expensive.  I have given fur coats to wives who have left me for someone else within the month…not such great gifts.  I have given jewelry which is nice, but it tires soon.  Gifts to children are wonderful, but within a week, they want more.

My greatest gift was not one that I received, but one that I gave. 

Keep in mind, I do not send cards, Mrs. C does, I only address and lick envelopes under protest.  I do not give gifts to anyone but close family and these days the gift is generally a check…and I am a little cheap.

About 7 years ago, I was perusing the internet and this silly item appeared, a “Leg Lamp.”  If you are a fan of Jean Shephard, or the Movie “A Christmas Story” you are familiar with the “Leg Lamp.”

“It’s a major award!”

Old friend Frog and I were fans of Jean Shephard long before his  movie became a classic, we were closet fans of his radio show.  Like many radio fans, we stumbled onto his story-telling show and late at night listened intently while parents expected us to be asleep. 

Closet Shephard fans only discovered that others also listened by chance.  A casual mention of something and

“Oh wow!  You listen to Shephard too!”

Anyway, I saw this ad for a “Leg Lamp” and thought,

“Damn, I am going to send one to Frog.”

Without telling him I ordered one to be sent to his home before Christmas.

When he received it he was excited.  His children were excited.  His wife tolerated it, and every year since he ritualistically pulls it out and places it in his front window.  He also sends me a picture of it on Facebook to let me know the tradition continues.

Stupid little lamp…cost maybe $30, but every year, it makes a friend happy, every year it brings back good memories, and every year I get thanked again which makes me happy, so it is the gift that keeps giving and it might be my best gift ever!

For more on Jean Shephard read

“The Greatest Story Teller Ever”

https://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/search?q=Jean+Shepard

Merry Christmas!

You Might Just be a Cruise Asshole

You Might Just be a Cruise Asshole

Blog…oooh…What is it good for?

Absolutely venting!

That’s right if for nothing else a blog is a great way to vent about stupid people and then just move on and not stew about them.

Did I run into stupid people on our Hawaiian cruise?  Why yes, yes I did, and that is why I am venting with a post I like to call, with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy,

You might just be a cruise asshole.

Are you a cruise asshole?  Some people apparently do not know.  If they knew they would act differently…maybe.  If you are not sure, here are a few observations by this cranky old man that are indications that

You might just be a cruise asshole.

If you get up out of your plane seat, block the aisle, clobber people pulling out your carryon bags before the plane even starts to let people off, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If even after 197 warnings, you flush baby wipes or sanitary pads down the ship toilet and clog all the toilets in 178 cabins, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If you get on an excursion boat and make sure to pile shirts and bags on the seats next to you so you have extra room, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If you take someone else’s bus seat, especially friends of Cranky, after a stop to see another friggin waterfall, because it is closer to the front, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If you drop that seat back so far that Cranky’s knees don’t fit behind it, then

It is confirmed, “You are a cruise asshole!”  And yes, I did bang my knee against the seat all the way back to the ship.  (BTW dude, your wife is butt ugly!!)

If you are at a buffet breakfast and the bus person asks how you are doing to find out if you are through with your plate and you ask him for a glass of juice, which is not his job, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If when the bus person comes back with your juice you tell him you also need a glass for your wife who is still grabbing her breakfast, then

“You are probably a cruise asshole.”

If when the bus person returns with the second glass you say nothing, not even “Thank you” then

It is confirmed, “You are a cruise asshole!”

If you save four seats at the ship theater for people that never show up, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If someone is taking a picture and you walk right through like you own the ship, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If you are taking a picture and hold up non cruise-assholes for more than two minutes while you get the perfect shot, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If you think you are entertaining the entire elevator when you are really just a sloppy drunk, then

“You might just be a cruise asshole!”

If you are in a hurry to get off the plane and leave your Kindle behind, you are not a cruise asshole, but you are a jerk!  Just ask Mrs. C.

You might think from this list that I had a crappy time on our cruise of the Hawaiian Islands, no, it was an excellent trip.  Cruise assholes won’t bring me down, I just blog about them and like Mary Poppins, Spit Spot-rub hands, they just go away!

Mahalo and Alooooooha!