Hoarding

Hoarding

Not the Cranky house, but it could be if hoarding instincts went unchecked.

My wife is a borderline hoarder.  We don’t live like those whack jobs on the TV show.  We can move around the house, we have no vermin issues, the house has no unusual odors.  When company comes over Mrs. C can make the house look almost normal in just a few hours.  But, if not controlled, we could become THAT house.

Hoarding is a combination of being overly thrifty, sentimental, and lazy.

Things are saved because “I think I may have a use for that.” Of course, when you do “have a use for that,” you forget you have it and you buy another.  Anything left over from that purchase gets saved because “We may need that again.”

Things are saved because, “Peter made that hand print in first grade.”  He also made a handprint in kindergarten, second grade and cub scouts.  Could we maybe only save one handprint?

The biggest cause of hoarding I have found, is laziness.

“Can I throw this away?”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know, it looks like the instructions for an automatic can opener, and we don’t own an automatic can opener.”

“I’ll look at it later, don’t throw it away.”

Later never comes and the instructions for an automatic can opener which we do not own goes away in a drawer.

Years later I will see these very same instructions. 

“Why do we have the instructions for an automatic can opener when we don’t even own an automatic can opener and if we did own an automatic can opener all the instructions say is ‘Lock top on can and press button, remove lid when done and don’t cut yourself on the lid.’”

“I don’t know why, but if I saved it there must be a reason, don’t throw it away.”

And this is the beginning of hoarding…save it until you can decide later if you need it and then later decide to keep it because there must be a reason you saved it in the first place.

My friend Scott has a system where he labels and dates everything he saves.  If the item has not been used for two years, and has no eBay value, he throws it away.  I approve, but we are not anal enough to implement this system.

To combat the urge to hoard, I will periodically just toss crap without asking, because I know I will never get an official approval to toss anything.

This is almost always safe, but every once and a while I will hear that dreaded hoarder panic scream,

“JOE!! Did you throw away the instructions for the automatic can opener? I need them!”

My response explains why Mrs. C thinks I am hard of hearing.

Two Hours Late and $10 Short

Two Hours Late and $10 Short

Not great, but better than the gaping maw that was.

We have a large crack between our entrance steps to our little town-home.  The crack does not a cause any problems, except it does not look very nice, and Mrs. C thinks it is a home to our ant problem (it’s not).

We have been putting up with or ignoring this crack for years.  The other day I decided to fix it.

“I’m going to Lowes and get some “Quick Crete” and patch that crack.”

“Don’t do that, I’ll call the association and they’ll have it fixed.”

“We’ve been staring at that crack for years and now you decide you could have the association fix it?  I’ll do it, the association will take forever to get around to it.”

“Suit yourself.”

I went to Lowes and bought a 25-pound bag of the mix.  The pimply faced kid at Lowes said I would need at least 50 pounds after I described the size of the crack that needed filling.  I have learned that pimply faced kids at Lowes act like they know what they are talking about, but they don’t know shit.  Twenty-five pounds would be more than enough.

I got home, cleaned up the crack, chipping away at excess hunks of step that had pulled away forming the crack.  I filled some of the crack with coarse sand that I had from a previous task and then mixed the patch material with water.  I splattered the goop into the crack and then smoothed it with a trowel.  The process cost me about $20…I had to buy a trowel, took about two hours and ruined a pair of jeans.

When I was finished and cleaning up my tools and bucket, what did I spot on the street?

A dude from the association with a wheel barrow full of concrete.  He was going around the neighborhood patching cracks in the curbing on the street.

Crap! 

For ten bucks, I’m pretty sure he would have taken five minutes of his time to patch the crack on my stairs.  I could have saved $10, some sweat and two hours of my day, not to mention the fact that he would have done a much better job since he probably knew what he was doing.

Two hours late, and $10 short!

Annoying Sayings

Annoying Sayings

People sometimes ask me, “Cranky, what makes you so cranky.”  Actually, no one ever asks me that but I’ll tell you anyway.

Annoying sayings make me cranky, especially annoying old sayings that sound like sage advice, but in reality, are just stupid ways to try and sound intelligent and or end a debate.

Go big or go home: This is the macho creed that is announced whenever a decision has to be made to take a chance or be conservative.

Should we go fishing in what looks like bad weather, or wait for another day?

This is when Mr. Macho chimes in “I always say, go big or go home!”

Don’t discuss the pros and cons of a situation, just “Go big or go home!”

Listen dickweed, sometimes “go home” means going home to your maker, and I’d like to think on it a bit if you don’t mind!

Failure is not an option:

When discussing what to do if something does not go well.  You know, like you are late on a project, or lose a law suit.  Isn’t it helpful for some douche to say,

“Failure is not an option!”

Maybe if you are talking life or death, but otherwise failing is an absolute option and it may be worth considering a plan “B.”

Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity:

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again:

OK genius, which is it?  Keep trying something again and again until you succeed or does that make you insane.  I know some people who go insane trying over and over to hit a golf ball, but then I’m pretty sure professional golfers kept trying again and again until they actually did achieve different results…so…which is it?

You are what you eat:  Well then today I am a ham on rye sandwich, but I don’t feel like a ham on rye sandwich, so that saying is just stupid!

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it: This little gem has put out more fires than a wet blanket.  Generally, it comes from someone who is just afraid of change. 

“I have this great idea to improve communication.”

“Sit down Alexander, the mail works just fine, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

Things of that nature, and basically: These are just short cuts that stupid people use to get out of accurately explaining an event.  Basically, using them is like having an “I am stupid” caption over your head…or things of that nature.

It’s a game changer: I don’t know why, this one just annoys the hell out of me.

Period, end of sentence: Why not just say what you mean, “That’s it, your wrong, I’m not listening anymore” or better yet, just put your hands over your ears and go NaNaNaNaNaNaNa!

I know you are, but what am I? : I really hate this one, but I’ve learned it is just best to not call your grandchildren names.

That’s it, these are all the sayings that make me cranky…Period, end of sentence!