STUPID HEADLINES 072417

STUPID HEADLINES 072417

It’s time again for

DON’T TOUCH IT!

DON’T TOUCH IT!

I’ve been married to Mrs. C for over six years.  I am only now learning what I am not allowed to touch…no, you perverts, get your 13 yo minds under control, I’m talking about around the house.

I don’t mind housework, I’m retired, I can clean, I can cook, I can even put stuff away.  There is, however, some stuff I am just not allowed to touch.

I can move laundry from the washer to the drier, but that is it.  If I do a load of wash she gets all panicky.

“I’ll do the wash!”

“I can do it, it is not rocket science.”

“You don’t separate right and you forget to use that color catcher and you use too much soap, not enough water, you load it unbalanced and JUST DON’T TOUCH!!”

I used to argue.  

First, I’ll separate, even though that is unnecessary, colors do not run unless something is brand new, and I use a color catcher anyway.  I use just a little soap, plenty of water and I even-out the load ( also not necessary.)

NO MORE.  If it makes her happy thinking I’m incompetent with the wash and she wants to do it. I’m OK!

“Don’t touch the Tupperware, Ill put it away, you can’t stack it or replace it properly!”

OK, she’s right on this one.

I can clean the bathrooms as long as she doesn’t watch.

“Warn me before you clean the bathroom, I can’t stand the way you do it!”

Hey, when I’m done it is clean.

BUT

I am not allowed to clean the shower floor.  She will only do it over again if I do it.  Why?  I don’t know, I just let it go.

If I need scissors, I have to clear it with the boss first.

“There are different scissors for different uses, and you never get it right.”

If I think it should be thrown away I have learned to ask.  Throwing away the wrong item like a plastic spoon or a glass of water can cause a mini-melt down.

“I’ll buy you a new plastic spoon.”

“That’s not the point!”

If it is under a towel, it is off limits.

There are brushes for dishes, there are brushes for scrubbing potatoes…if I am not sure, I will ask.

Somethings that I do which upset her are just plain silly.

“Why did you fold my laundry, I told you just do yours, leave mine along, I don’t like how you fold.”

“Is it so hard to unfold and do it over?”

“That’s not the point.”

We have an electric floor sweeper.  It works great.  It sweeps the floor in minutes.  She prefers the broom and dustpan.

“The sweeper misses stuff!” (It doesn’t, but I don’t argue.)

“So broom the spots it misses, what does it hurt for me to power sweep first.”

“That’s not the point!”

I must admit, I never know what the point is;  I am learning what not to touch.

Touched By Fame

Touched By Fame

I don’t know what it is, but it seems I am constantly surrounded by famous people.  It can’t just be a coincidence, I must be a magnet to fame. 

When I was only five years old, our family moved to California.  We could not immediately sell the Long Island home we left, so Pop rented it.  Who was it rented to?  Bobby Riggs, star tennis player of yesteryear who later defeated highly ranked woman’s champion Margaret Court before he lost a famous match to Billy Jean King. 

 Touched by fame (indirectly).

When I was but ten years old, I squeezed through, cutting  a crowded line in order to meet and get the autograph of baseball great Mickey Mantle.

Touched by fame.

In college, I came within feet of “The Amazing Kreskin” at a fraternity sponsored show.

Touched by fame.

During lunch in the park at work one day, I was asked for directions by none other than Helen Gurley Brown, TV personality and the famed editor of Cosmopolitan.

Touched by fame.

Racing for the subway one day, I almost knocked over Curtis Sliwa, New York radio star and founder of “The Guardian Angles.”

Touched by fame.

A few years ago, while in the city with Mrs. C, she pointed out Steve Gutenberg, star of “Cocoon” and “Three Men and a Baby,” who was at the corner on a bicycle.

Touched by fame.

Not long after that while waiting for a plane, who walked through the waiting area but fashion icon and star of TV’s “Project Runway” Nina Garcia!

Touched by fame.

Only one year later, while at the NYC downtown Feast of San Genaro, my B-I-L spotted and stopped world famous actor, star of TV’s “Who’s The Boss” and “Taxi”, Tony Danza.

Tony seemed to want to get away from B-I-L...not sure why.

Touched by fame.

Not long after the Danza encounter, I was picking up some dry cleaning and bumped into TV’s RHONJ star Melissa Gorga.

Touched by fame.

If that is not enough, only last year at an "Oldies" concert, who walked right by our isle seats when making an appearance?  None other than radio DJ "Cousin" Bruce Morrow!

Touched by fame.

Will it ever end?

Clearly, Cranky is a celebrity magnate!