STUPID HEADLINES 051417

STUPID HEADLINES 051417

It’s time again for

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments. 

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Family dog wakes up owners during home fire in Minnesota – Before you dog lovers start that, “a cat would never do this” gloating, the dog and his owners live in Texas.

Florida girl, 10, pries open alligator's jaws to free herself – Holy Crap!  That is one brave and strong little girl!!

United Airlines flies woman to San Francisco instead of France – All the way to SF she screamed, “Please, drag me off this plane!”

'Nightmare house' Zillow listing tells buyers: Don't ask about mysterious occupant upstairs – This one might be on the market for a while!

DC lawmakers speak out after Arboretum guard ‘yelled’ at children on field trip – Ooh…These poor kindergarten children will be scarred for life.  Yelled at! Where is the humanity?  Also, where are the chaperones to tell five-year-old’s not to play on the grass when in a museum for agriculture?

Sears CEO on Turnaround Try: 'I Am Not in Denial' – Why would anyone think Sears is in trouble?  Just the other Saturday I saw four or five cars in their parking lot.

OPEC to U.S.: Please don't pump so much oil! – “Sure, whatever you say…on the other hand eat s***!”

Scientists plan to trap a ship in Arctic ice – Shhh, be very quiet, here comes one now.

Scorpion scare causes delay on United flight out of Houston – Order was restored after armed guards dragged the enraged arachnid off the plane…lawsuit to follow.

That Time Jimi Hendrix Opened for the Monkees- That’s a bit like Shakespeare writing the forward to a Dean Koontz novel.

PARIS HILTON CLAIMS SHE INVENTED THE SELFIE – We should name a street after her for this great accomplishment, instead of Elm Street how about Annoying-Blonde-Rich-Slut Drive?

AND THE FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:

Wild Baby Kangaroo Still Comes Home to Hug His Teddy Bear After Release – Aww

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/wild-baby-kangaroo-still-comes-home-to-hug-his-teddy-bear-after-release/#at_pco=smlwn-1.0&at_si=5916611bf3032bf2&at_ab=per-2&at_pos=0&at_tot=1 

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

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COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MORE

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Nail Polish Driving is Buzzed Driving

Nail Polish Driving is Buzzed Driving

Do women still do their own nails?  It seems like everywhere I go  there are multiple nail salons.  None of my wives ever did their own nails.  Apparently, these days, for about 10-15 bucks, you can sit in a chair and someone named Kim will do your nails for you.

My mom always did her own nails.  She was a master at it, often doing them in the car.  She could do both hands in three stop lights.  She did not polish nails and drive; my mom was a responsible manicurist.

The first traffic light would be all mom needed to remove the old polish.  I got my very first contact high from the solvent mom used to remove the old polish while I was sitting in the front seat of the car.  

The second light was time enough to give all her nails a quick buff. 

The third light was the most amazing.  With the bottle between her legs and eyes glancing occasionally to check the stop light status, mom would dip and paint.  She could cover a nail in one swipe and not get the polish on anything but her nail.  It was sheer poetry in motion.

You may wonder, “Why did your mom do her nails in the car?  Why not just do them at home in her leisure?” 

I don’t know.  Probably because she had no leisure, and if she did she would not waste it doing her nails when she could do that while driving.

As I think back, the process was not all that safe.  Yes, she did most of the process waiting at a red light, but when the polish was on, she drove with one hand at a time while blowing on her nails and or waving her hand around to have the polish dry.

Yes, those were dangerous days my friend.  There were no seat belts, no power steering or antilock brakes.   Children were not strapped in car seats, but bounced around in the back, made noise, and distracted the driver with that “I’m not touching you” game.

There were no cell phone distractions to cause accidents, but I have no idea how we survived with mom driving one-handed, air drying her nails, all while flying high on an acetone polish-remover buzz.

Hugs

Hugs

Mrs. C and I very seldom say the three words.  I’ve told her, she’s told me, we know.  It is not a big deal, it is just how we roll.  We touch a lot and are affectionate even when we bicker.  I do have to teach her about hugging.

Every morning before I retreat to my basement sanctuary to practice guitar and or write, she demands a hug.  That is fine, the problem is she holds on too long.  There is a whole body language to a hug.

There is the one-hand-rub-on-the-back-while-you-hug, hug.  This indicates we are just friends.

There is the barely make contact hug.   This is usually reserved for first meetings or acquaintances only.

There is the chest bump, fist pump to the back hug.  This is reserved for bro’s and says, “I love you dude, but not that way!”

There is the pat-pat-pat on the back hug.  This says I have to do this, but don’t get any ideas; I call it the tap-out hug.  I got it a lot in my first marriage.

The arms around the neck and squeeze hug means you have been sorely missed.  It may or may not have sexual connotations.

The two arms around the back and squeeze is an “I love you” hug.  The duration of this hug is important.  Too short is a mixed signal.  Too long means you may get lucky.  A good 10 second double arm hug says, “I love you, and maybe later!”  Anything over 10 seconds means “let’s get it on.” The double arm hug requires a squeeze back.  When one party ends the squeeze back, the hug should simultaneously end.

Mrs. C gives me the double arm hug before I leave her in the morning. She hangs on forever, even after I withhold the squeeze back.  Since I know ain’t nothing going to happen at this time, she is making a mockery of the “I love you” hug.  Mocking the “I love you” hug is saying just the opposite.

I hate the extended double arm hug when it is miss-used like this.  Mrs. C knows I hate the extended double arm morning hug so she does it on purpose to aggravate me. 

I think the intent to aggravate by using an extended double arm hug without an extended return squeeze means she loves me.

That’s my interpretation, and I’m sticking to it.