STUPID HEADLINES 032016

STUPID HEADLINES 032016

It is time again for

He is definitely going to attract a lot of lawyers! 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  

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Lesbian Professor Cold-Cocked HER OWN FACE Then Swore Random Guy Beat Her Up At Toby Keith Concert – Seriously? They couldn’t say “Punched?”

Naked woman dancing on truck slows traffic in Houston – Slows traffic! What does it take to stop traffic in Houston?

Obama: We can't fetishize our phones – Speak for yourself…apparently the President never puts his phone on vibrate.

Pantless driver dies after being ejected through his sunroof while masturbating to porn on a cellphone when the car crashed and rolled over* - If there is not a law against masturbating to porn on a cell phone while driving, there really should be…it is potentially very dangerous.

Norwegian mass killer complains about cushy solitary lockup – Seems to me, when you murder 77 people you should probably shut the fuck up about your incarceration conditions.

Salmon Full of Cocaine and Antidepressants – “Say hello to my little fish!”

Kerry determines ISIS committing genocide in Iraq, Syria – After careful study, John Kerry has determined that ISIS cutting off heads and enslaving the women of any Christian it finds who refuses to convert to Islam is in fact GENOCIDE.  Good call John.

Giant Corpus Christi Texas cross sparks atheist lawsuit - An atheist sues a preacher for building a cross on church property in a city named Body of Christ.

This just makes me cross…er…angry.

Researchers believe disease-fighting beer may be close – Take two six packs, then try and get up in the morning.

Chicago ends sales tax on tampons, sanitary napkins – Woman’s groups successfully argued these items should be exempt from tax as they are medical necessities.  In an effort to be gender sensitive, Chicago is also removing all tax on beer.

Australian government spends too much on koala cuddling, opponents say – Proponents say a good koala cuddle is priceless!

Oklahoma doctor claims $300 'Jesus Shot' can cure chronic pain – ACLU demands payment for this procedure by Medicare or Medicaid not be allowed as it violates the doctrine of separation of church and state…they suggest the shot be renamed the “Good Guy Shot.”

*Headline submission courtesy of Val Thevictorian

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Come back next week for more:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

Proud To Be An American

Proud To Be An American

a cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but are wrong.  As always, please, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid head.  

I just responded to a Facebook comment and was reticent to do so.  It was a response to a comment on a post which among other things was addressing disappointment at our candidates for President in the next election. 

Someone commented that they were ashamed to be an American.

I replied that I was proud to be an American.  I was a little concerned to make such a comment because I didn’t want to get into a pissing contest with basement dwellers, which often happens whenever you voice an opinion on a social network.  I did not voice an opinion on a Presidential preference, yet I expected this comment could  bring angry people from many political sides out of the woodwork. 

What have we come to as a people for me to think twice before I state that I am proud to be an American?

Several actors and other big shots, a few whose names I recognize, have claimed that if their choice for President does not win they will leave the country.  They are ashamed to be Americans.

President Obama was not my choice as President for the last eight years.  I did not threaten to leave the country.  I was and am proud to be an American.  President Obama was not my choice, but I was proud that our country could get past the race issue and elect an intelligent qualified black man to be the most powerful person in the world. 

I was proud then to be an American.  I am proud to be an American today.

My country has made many mistakes in its short history, mistakes internally, and mistakes internationally.  Most of the mistakes we have made have been made with good intentions.  We have also done much good and fought for freedom of others many times.

I am proud to be an American because we are not afraid to take chances in the name of freedom.

I am proud to be an American because we can change our government peacefully, because we are free to speak our minds, and we are free to worship or not worship however we choose.  I am proud to be an American because we recognize our faults and our deficiencies, and we strive to fix them…we may differ in how to fix our problems, but for the most part we all want to make our great country even greater.

I am a little ashamed of myself because I even paused to respond to this person who expressed shame at being an American.  I was leery to state that I am proud to be an American.  Then I thought, “I don’t want to argue it, I don’t intend to reverse another person’s position, I just want to state without animosity that I am proud to be an American." It was simply a response to a person who was  proud of being ashamed of America as if it was an intellectually enlightened position.

You can be proud to be an American and still disagree with our leaders, still want even more freedom, still want all citizens to have the opportunity for life, liberty and pursuit of happiness where those opportunities may not exist for everyone today.  That is in fact what makes us Americans.

So for all those Americans that are ashamed of their country and are ready to leave it if they do not get their way in the next election, I say that is your right and I do not begrudge you that right. Americans do not have to be proud of their country.  You are free to hate all that this country stands for. If your choice for President does not get elected, you are free to take your ball and leave the field.  Citizens of many countries do not have this freedom; freedom to disagree, freedom to hate, freedom to voice those opinions of disagreement and hate.

I choose to stay.  I choose to accept the will of the people and have faith that whomever is elected, our system will assure that we will remain strong and fair, and free.  I choose to be proud to be an American.

I will not respond or plea my case to those who are ashamed to be American and believe everyone should also be ashamed to be American. 

I am proud to be an American. I love this country.  It is fine to disagree with my position; I just suggest you save your breath and not try to change my opinion.  Until those who are ashamed of being American are a majority, I will remain steadfastly PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management...Mrs. Cranky.

OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!

OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!

Just when I think I have Mrs. Cranky all figured out, she proves me wrong. 

I know not to throw away water that she leaves in a glass covered by a paper towel so nothing drifts into it.

I am aware that any desert covered by a towel is off limits.

I will not turn out the porch light until after 11:00 pm, just in case someone has a car problem and needs help.  Apparently we are not responsible for strangers with car problems after 11:00 pm.  (No, I don’t get it either, but I know when to follow rules.)

I was recently chastised for using an SOS pad with water.  I learned that using water will cause the SOS pad to rust.  I have no idea how to scrub a pan without water, and have no idea why they fill the SOS pad with soap because if you do not wet the pad, the soap is dry and useless.  I will just not use an SOS pad.  Instead I scrub like hell with a sponge.  It tears the crap out of the sponge, but the SOS pad will not rust and they last for about twenty years if you don’t use them.

Last night, after dinner I was looking for a treat with my nightly cup of coffee.  I found an unopened package of Stella D'oro cookies on a top shelf in the pantry.  They looked good so I took two and left the package on the counter.

When Mrs. C came home from work, before I could even greet her, she screamed, “Oh No You Didn’t!!”

My first thought was “This could not be good.”  I knew I didn’t throw anything away, or eat anything that was covered by a towel or wet an SOS pad.  I was clueless, but knew I did something wrong.  I responded like any husband who knew he did something wrong but had no idea what that something was.

“WHAT?”

“You opened the Stella D'oro cookies?”

“Yes, why?”

“I was hiding them!”

“They weren’t under a towel.”

“They were high on a shelf where you never look.”

“Well apparently I do.”

“But they’ve been there for years and you never touched them.”

“I wanted a cookie…wait…YEARS!”

“Yes.”

“When is the use by date?”

I waited for a minute.

“Last month!”

“So you’re upset with me because I ate a cookie that is past expiration?  When were you planning on eating them, and why am I not allowed to eat a cookie, aren’t they community property?”

“I was saving them for a special occasion.”

“What occasion, the ceremonial tossing of the expired cookies?”

“You’re a JERK!”

“You know they still sell those cookies at the supermarket, it’s not like we have to go on EBay and pay a fortune.”

“You’re a double JERK!”

“From now on, don’t try and hide stuff, just put a sticky note on anything you don’t want me to touch.”

So now I know; I have to ask permission before I open a package of cookies.

Just to yank her chain, I am going to soak an SOS pad in water.