I Need A Left-over-Food Rule Book

I Need A Left-over-Food Rule Book

That’s it, I need some rules.  I have once again upset Mrs. Cranky by taking food that apparently I should not have taken.  Several weeks ago I mentioned that Mrs. C had hidden some brownies under a towel on the counter.

That was pretty clear.  She was claiming the brownies. I left them alone…well I may have taken one or two, but I wanted more.  A few days ago I found a half of a cornbread muffin in the kitchen and not hidden.  It went well with my nightly cup of coffee.

My wife hit the roof. 

“You took the half of a muffin?”

“Yes, it didn’t have your name on it and it wasn’t under a towel.”

“But I ate the first half, I was saving the second half for later and you don’t eat any muffins anymore for breakfast because of your-stay-away from bread and sugar diet.”

“I had it after dinner with my coffee.  I allow myself one splurge a day, a desert with my coffee.”

“But I had the first half!”

“OK, I didn’t know the rule.  Now I know, if it is under a towel or if it is a half of a left over from your breakfast it is off limits.”

A few days later, I noticed two muffins in the dining room wrapped in cellophane.  I had to ask:

“Ah excuse me, why are there two muffins in the dining room?  Are you hiding them and are they off limits?”

“How did you see them, you never go in the dining room?”

“Answer the question.”

“Yes, they are off limits.”

So now I know; if food is under a towel, half eaten, or in the dining room when it belongs in the kitchen, it is off limits.

Last night I looked for something to have with my coffee.  In the refrigerator, there was one last slice of chocolate cake that had been untouched for three days.  Now chocolate is not my favorite, but I will eat it if it is the only game in town.

Mrs. C came home from work at around 10pm and apparently after several days of not touching the last piece of cake she had decided it would hit the spot.

“What happened to the piece of cake? Did you eat it?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t like chocolate.”

“I like it, it just isn’t my favorite, and that piece has been gathering refrigerator dust for a week.”

“I was planning on having it tonight…JERK!”

So now I know, if food is under a towel, half eaten, in the dining room when it belongs in the kitchen, or is chocolate, it is off limits.

There must be more rules.  I wish she would just print out a list.

CRANKY IS A RAT

CRANKY IS A RAT

I went to the gym today and ran my daily six miles on the treadmill.  OK, I ran three miles, only I walked most of it and I only do this 2-3 times a week…I plan to do six miles every day, but I am often very busy doing…ah…stuff.

Anyway, after my workout I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items.  Mrs. C gave me a list but I didn’t have to read it.  Two items were my request and the other two items I was able to commit to memory.

When I walked in, I was followed by a young mother and a squeaky four year old girl.  The young mother seemed nice, but I immediately disliked the squeaky little girl.  I am a cranky old man; I am not supposed to find squeaky little people cute.  They are supposed to annoy me.   They almost always meet my expectations.

I made a complete loop around the store to gather my four items.   Truthfully I made two loops around the store because I missed one aisle.  It is part of being a guy; you are expected to miss an aisle.  Anyway, this delay put me directly behind the young mom and the squeaky little girl in the checkout line.

The squeaky one wanted a candy bar.  She wanted it because she saw it.  She saw it because stores always put candy at the checkout lines and they put them at eye level for squeaky little people.  Mom said no.  Squeaky said please.  Mom said we have candy at home.  Squeaky disagreed.  Mom firmly said no.  Squeaky stomped her foot several times.  Mom ignored the foot stomping.  I was starting to like the mom more and the squeaky little person even less.

After the foot stomping, the little girl turned into an angel.  Well she put on an angel act, as she grabbed the candy bar and held it behind her back.  I ignored the act of thievery.  I assumed she would be caught by mom as generally little people are not good at hiding stuff.

This little people was very good at hiding stuff and was about to pull off her candy heist. 

The cranky old man would have none of it.  I coughed and when the mom looked at me I gave her the eye and nodded towards her squeaky child.  She returned my glance quizzically and I mouthed “candy bar” while nodding again toward the thief.

“What do you have?”

“Nothing”

“Show me you hands.”

“I have nothing.”

“Show me both hands!”

BUSTED!

“Wait until we get home young lady and don’t expect any treats tonight!  And DO NOT EVEN TRY TO STOMP YOUR FEET OR CRY!”

She did thank me as she left.  The little person gave me the evil eye.

So there it is; I am a rat.  But this rat is on the side of tired moms and the enemy of squeaky little people.

WEATHER MAP CRAP

WEATHER MAP CRAP

The Old AF Sarge (a Walter Award winning blogger) just posted on the cold weather in New England and it stripped some rust off a forgotten brain cell.  I am reminded of an old bugaboo about TV weather reporting.

AF Sarge (http://oldafsarge.blogspot.com/2016/02/weather.html ) spoke of winters with the temperature expressed in negative Fahrenheit numbers.  These temperatures are unusual in the states below New England but we get them from time to time and they are nasty cold.  As if the temperatures are not cold enough, the weather-heads have to explain how with the wind chill factor it feels even colder.

Thanks weather-heads, as if I know the difference in the feel of 6 degrees and -10 degrees.  All I know is it is friggin cold! 

The weather-heads like the effect of this wind chill factor.  They use it  so much that people actually start to repeat the temperature with the “feels like” number rather than the real number. 

The wind chill was so successful that weather-heads decided to make it hotter in the summer.  Now, it is 88 degrees, but with the “Heat humidity index” it feels like 95.

No it doesn’t; in the North East it is always humid in the summer, so 88 degrees feels exactly like 88 degrees.  Don’t make it any worse.  Eighty-eight degrees is delightful!

This winter these cretins started something new.  They show a map with temperature changes from the day before plastered all over New Jersey.  When you glance up and see that it is -2 degrees in Edison it is shocking.  Once you realize that all it means is it is 2 degrees colder today than it was yesterday, it is too late.  The weather dudes already scared the crap out of you with their -2 degree weather map posting.

Up until today we have had a pretty mild winter this year.  This morning it was 2 degrees.  I saw that number and did not flinch because I know it probably represents a temperature change or a wind chill factor where it only “feels like” 2 degrees if you're naked when you take out the garbage.

I took the garbage out clothed but with no coat.

“Holy Crap” it is cold out!”

“Didn’t you see the weather; it is only 2 degrees out…with the wind chill it feels like -12!”

I have no idea what -12 feels like, I’d be more comfortable if the weather head simply told me,

“Put on a coat this morning folks it not only feels friggin cold, it really is friggin cold!”