BEAT IT ON THE BEACH MON!

BEAT IT ON THE BEACH MON!

 

I went to Jamaica on my first honeymoon several lives ago.  We went in June.  It is very hot in Jamaica in June, oppressively hot.  There is a reason no one has ever written a song titled “Jamaica in June.”

Anyway.

One way to escape the oppressive heat was snorkeling.  While snorkeling, I spotted a conch.  I have always had a fascination with seashells.  Some are incredibly beautiful.  Most of the beauty is in the inside of the shell, not visible to man or other beast unless the shell maker is evicted and the shell turned pretty side up.  There is no apparent evolutionary reason for the inside of a seashell to be beautiful.  I look upon them as proof there is a God and he creates beauty just for the sake of creating beauty.

Anyway.

I dove and retrieved the shell, a conch shell, with a live conch still occupying his beautiful home.  I did not want the conch; though I understand they are quite tasty, I only wanted the shell.  I asked one of the locals who was working at this resort how to get the conch out of the shell.

“You beat it on the beach Mon, beat it on the beach.”

He then demonstrated how to hold the shell, and slam it on the beach point first until the conch inside would give up the shell…well die and could be extracted.

I went to the hard part of the beach where the water had just receded, and did as I was told; I beat the conch on the beach.  I slammed that shell into the beach again and again.  I would have quit if not for the local encouraging me to continue.

“That’s right Mon, beat it on the beach, he’ll come out, just keep beating it on the beach”

After about twenty minutes of slamming this damn thing against the beach the conch gave up his shell.  I pulled it out, and my new Jamaican friend applauded.

“See Mon, I tol you…jes beat it on the beach Mon!”

I kept my prized find in the hotel room for several days before I noticed a stink.  The conch was not completely out of the shell, some of it had remained.  It was now stinking and the remnants were being feasted on by maggots.  It took lots of hot water and some digging, but finally the shell was clean and I could take my hard fought possession home.

Back at work everyone wanted to know how my honeymoon vacation was.  I related how it was too friggin hot, but then bragged about diving for this beautiful conch shell.

One of the guys at work, Lenny, was from Jamaica. 

“Hey mon, was the conch still in de shell?”

“Oh yeah, but one of the hotel guys told me how to get him out.  It wasn’t easy, but I beat the shell on the beach for about twenty minutes and got most of it out.”

“You beat it on the beach mon?”

“Yes, it was hard, but I finally got it out.”

At this point Lenny was bending over laughing.

“Mon…you beat it on the beach for twenty minutes? Mon that dude was playing you.  Beat it on the beach!”

“What?”

“Mon, don no one beat the conch on the beach…you drop that shell in boilin water…three minutes that conch he fall right out nice an clean…beat it on the beach…oh mon…that dude mus still be laughin!”

And that is why I’ll never go back to Jamaica.  The conch shell?  After two years in the sun the colors all faded away.

It’s just like Judge Judy says,

“Beauty fades, dumb is forever!”

POLITICS AND RELIGION - a Cranky re-run

POLITICS AND RELIGION

This re-run is from June 2012.  It seemed to get some peoples blood boiling so I thought I would stir things up again.  My intent was not to convert Atheists, but to wonder why so many Atheists look to convert others. 

Do I really dare to say it?..."Some of my best friends are Atheists."

I try to keep politics and religion out of my posts and on my comments to other’s posts.  I have learned that my positions or opinions are not apt to change other people opinions or positions.  Friendly discussions on these matters generally degenerate into full-fledged nasty arguments.  This is just not productive.

In the interests of full disclosure, politically I am generally fiscally conservative and socially liberal.  I do not think that President Obama was the most prepared or experienced person for his position, but I also do not believe he is an evil communist who seeks to become a dictator.  He is a politician.  He is our President.   He does not get my vote, but he deserves and gets my respect.

Religion is an even more personal topic.  I am spiritual.  I believe in a higher power.  I try to be a good person.  I do not wish to tell other people how or whom to worship.

Recently a blogger whom I was following made several political and religious comments.  They were made in a matter-of-fact tone indicating that, of course, every intelligent person reading the post agreed with their positions.  Generally I will not comment on these types of positions with which I do not agree.   I will not stop following someone simply because I disagree with their assertions.  This post was different. 

The tone of this post was elitist and derogatory.   First there was a casual comment equating Mitt Romney with a spoiled brainless rich poor excuse for a human being.  I let that slide.  It’s politics.  I understand.  The next remark in this post was a knock against all religion.  This person declared themselves to be an atheist.  The declaration had the tone that suggested anyone who was not an atheist believed in fairytales and was clearly of lower intelligence to non-believers.

This I could not accept. 

I understand Atheism.  I have my own doubts about the nature and existence of a divine force.  I sometimes wonder if there is in fact a loving God.

If you choose to be an Atheist I understand.   But to proselytize Atheism as if bringing people to your belief in non-belief will somehow make their life better…this I do not accept.

The concept of any religion makes some Atheists angry.  Atheists believe in nothing.  They revel in their intellectual non-conformity.  Even the very name of their non-belief system runs counter to the “I before E except after C rule.” 

I wonder why it is so important for these people to convert others to their non-belief.  Atheists love to preach on how many wars have been fought and how much misery there is in the world because of religion.

I point out that it is evil people (probably non-believers) using religion for evil purposes that cause much of the world’s problems.  Evil uses religion; religion does not create the evil.

Religion among other things fills the void of that which science cannot explain.  Apparently Atheists believe that science can or will eventually explain everything about life and our world as we know it.  This will make religion and God obsolete. 

Atheists believe that science can explain everything right down to the very first molecule.

I have to ask:

Where did that first molecule come from?
 

I did not comment on this person’s post and I no longer am a follow, not because of her ideas, but because of her elitist demeanor.

I just got this in an e-mail from my college buddy "Fast Freddy."   I think it is appropriate to this post. 

SEMPER FI MARINE

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!! A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and hit him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me." The classroom erupted in cheers!

STUPID HEADLINES 061613

STUPID HEADLINES 061613

It is time once again for:

 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY (actually one day late)

 

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. 

 

One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

 

That Darn Obamacare!!

 

 

 

Too much deer pee changing northern forests – Maybe hunters should stop flushing them out.

Prominent Texas doctor accused of poisoning lover's coffee – You have to wonder, what did her lover’s coffee ever do to her?

Supreme Court ends torture suit against Rumsfeld – If the suit was so uncomfortable, why didn’t he just take the damn thing off?

New Jersey woman mistaken for prostitute, beaten at Florida hotel – Well, NJ…prostitute…it’s an easy mistake to make.

Relax Jersey Girls it’s a joke!  We all know that Jersey Girls are the BEST!

West Virginia woman freaks out over bad Drivers license picture, spills diet coke all over DMV worker – I think maybe the bad picture was due to the wacko in front of the lens!

Bloomberg to discuss prepping New York City for warming world – NY Mayor suggests a $100 tax on a pack of cigarettes to pay for air conditioning Manhattan.

Minnesota woman saves deer with plastic jar stuck on its head – I have no idea how putting a plastic jar on a deer’s head will save it, but it can only add to that pee problem.

Tiger Wood’s ex-wife hates new girlfriend – Well if she has a girlfriend that may well explain why Tiger cheated on her.

Just Explain It: What Is Déjà Vu? – It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before.  It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before.

70-Year-Old Saudi Man Divorces His 15-Year-Old Wife – The age difference was really not that bad, 15 is kind of like 75 in goat years.

Calif. Husband Sells $23,000 Ring for $10 – Make that California Ex-husband!

Just Explain It: What Is Déjà Vu? – It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before.  It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before.

New Jersey town bans saggy pants on boardwalk – I only visit boardwalks that have pants pulled up to their railing.

School district won't expunge Pop-Tart gun from boy's record – Oh no! Not his permanent record!  Who will ever hire someone who as an eight year old boy nibbled a pop-tart into the shape of a gun?

Who owns 'Happy Birthday?' Lawsuit seeks return of millions – I’m looking to copyright “Nanya, nanya, na, na” and “ olli, olli, in free” then hang around playgrounds and collect royalties.

Last week’s fake headline was:

Texas man flips out at car show, is carried away by police screaming, “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!” – Dude, just change all your passwords to “sdrowssap.”

          We had two winners:

                            Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous @ http://delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com/ said...

Yay, I won! I like this game :D

Of this week's, I'm going to guess the one about the guy yelling "too many passwords". 

Two weeks in a row!  Congratulations Kellie – Go visit her blog it is always entertaining.

                         fishducky @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ said...

I think it's “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!” I think you should change your password to "Incorrect". There would be nothing to remember. You could type in anything & the computer would tell you your password is incorrect!!

And she didn’t Google it this week!  Check Fran's posts, always funny!

         This was from Scott at Flight Plan:

                            Lowandslow @ http://lowandslow01.blogspot.com/ said...

"Texas man flips out at car show, is carried away by police screaming, “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!”"

OMG, this could have been me! (But it wasn't.)

I always knew those "keyless entry systems" would come back to haunt us.

Was this a guess Scott?  Doesn’t matter, Scott is disqualified as the fake post is based on HIM – A car show going, Password hating, Texan!  So don’t visit Scott’s posts even though they are always very funny, or thought provoking and sometimes even both.