CHRISTMAS LETTERS - a Cranky re-run

CHRISTMAS LETTERS

This post is from my unpublished book “I Used to be Stupid”.  It seemed too appropriate at this time of year to hold off until I raise the cash to publish for the sixteen people who will buy the book.

Hey…Suldog does it!

 

 

 

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and already I have received my first Christmas Letter.  These letters are all the same and always leave me depressed.

Apparently Mary and Bob have had another fantastic year.  Bob made Vice President of his father’s accounting firm and it came with a huge raise which enabled Mary and Bob to take two fabulous weeks in Tahiti, which apparently everyone has just got to experience.

Mary was this year’s top Tupperware salesperson in the region and received an opaque Cadillac Escalade as an award.

Little Maggie is all grown up and plans to spend the next six months touring Europe before she begins her residency in pediatric surgery at Johns Hopkins.

Bobby Jr. opted for Stanford this fall, where he received a full athletic scholarship after he was named all-state in soccer his senior year in High School.

Ralphie is a sophomore in High School this year where he hopes to maintain his 4.2 average.  He just loves his advanced physics class.

If that is not enough I was just overjoyed to learn that their toy poodle Toto won a blue ribbon at this year’s county fair for “sweetest pet”.  I think Mary’s little knit doggy panties helped steer the judge’s decision; apparently they were just too cute!

Well, my year has been pretty good, but this letter has once again made me feel like shit!  Thanks for the “Merry Christmas and prosperous New Years wish” Mary and Bob.  I may just celebrate with a dozen sleeping pills and a hot bath.

By the way, I don’t even know who the HELL Mary and Bob are!!

 

Just once I would like to receive a Christmas letter like this:

 

Dear friends,

Happy Holidays to all!

Once again the entire Hosenpfeffer clan has had an eventful year. Tom started a new career after being unemployed for eight months.  After six weeks he has already been given a promotion to chief fry cook in the 11-6 AM evening shift.  We are all so proud.

I would also like to announce that although I feared Tom has a drinking problem, this is not the case.  Tom has no problem drinking at all; in fact he is quite good at it.

Our little Bamby is a freshman in High school and I swear she is the most popular girl in her class.  She has a date almost every night and on weekends she often goes out with three or more different boys.  You would think her school work would suffer for all that activity, but apparently all the time she spends with that nice young Vice Principal after school is paying off.

Bruno is doing very well in Football this year and might even get a scholarship to State next fall.  To think he was such a skinny little boy until he started taking those vitamin shots twice a day.  Now he is just so big and strong I hardly recognize him.  The sudden unfortunate case of acne and strangely new Neanderthal-like eye brow also is hard to get used to.  He says it is just the vitamins.

Tom Jr. dropped out of college, but he is doing quite well in his own business.  He is cleaning up selling little packs of oregano.   Apparently High School kids just can’t get enough of it.  I think they put it on their pizza.

It has been a good year for me as well.  I was elected president of the trailer park association and I am also chairperson of the committee to clean up the park’s dog doo.  Next year I hope to recruit other members to help me in the clean up.

Speaking of dog doo we recently acquired a rescue pit bull.  She is such a sweet girl, she just loves to have you rub her belly and scratch behind her ears, but god help anyone who tries to mess with Tom Jr’s oregano!

Well that’s it from the Hosenpfeffers; hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and a happy and healthy New Year!  

 

Now that letter would make my holiday happy!

 

Too Much Time

Too Much Time

 

I realize these are tough times.  Unemployment is high, the misery index is high, prices are high, and taxes are high.  People are struggling just to survive.  People are doing whatever they can do to make ends meet, to keep a roof over their head and to feed their family.  And yet some people seem to have just too much time on their hands.

If times are so hard, how do people find the time to protest a church cross which is part of a silhouette used on an official city logo?

There are over 19,000 members of the FREEDOM From Religion Foundation in Madison Wisconsin that have nothing better to do than go around looking for any religious reference or symbols which interfere with the doctrine of separation of Church and State.

Now I am all for keeping the instruction of religion or the establishment of a “State” religion out of this great country of ours, but does the mere mention of religion or the mere inference of a religious symbol constitute a threat to anyone’s pursuit of happiness?

 

The FFRF finds this cross to be a Steubenville slippery slope to establishing a state Religion

Seems to me these people have too much time on their hands.

The FFRF also is suing a restaurant in Columbia, Pa. because they offer a 10% discount to patrons that bring in a church bulletin.  Hey, I guess they have a point…I know I feel much better knowing church people have to pay full price, but…damn…who has that much time?

The FFRF is suing the city of Woonsocket, Rhode Island for the removal of a cross on a WW I and WW II memorial.  I guess they have a point, I know whenever I travel through Woonsocket and see that cross it just makes me feel damn uncomfortable.  I am just curious…who has that much time?

The Westboro Baptist Church has 40 members with enough time on their hands to protest anything homosexual in this country.  They protest at funerals of gay people and even protest funerals for our soldiers lost in battle because…heck I really don’t know why…something about gay people.

Where do they get the time?

 

Westboro Baptist Church preaching the gospel of hate

 

Last year thousands of people camped out in public parks protesting against rich folks.  They want rich people to give them money.  Where do these people get the time?  I guess they are unemployed, but are there jobs in these public parks?  I’ll bet some of the illegal immigrants in this country that are taking the jobs these protestors don’t want will be part of the 1% in ten years.

Look, I don’t mind protests.  The freedom to protest is one of the things that makes this country great.  Protesting keeps people on their toes.  Protesting helps eliminate injustice.

No taxation without representation!

Get the Hell out of Viet Nam!

BUT:

Discounts for going to church? Sexual orientation? Rich people? A cross on a statue?

Where do they get the time?

 

 

Since this post was written twenty-six people, twenty of which were children under seven years old were senselessly murdered in a Connecticut elementary school.  The following headline shocks me beyond belief: 

Westboro Baptist Church Says It Will Picket Vigil For Connecticut School Shooting Victims

These people claim these murders were Gods work to punish our country for its support of homosexuality.  If they are allowed to protest anywhere near the State of Connecticut it will be an abomination.  

    

STUPID HEADLINES 121612

STUPID HEADLINES 121612

It’s Sunday, time for this week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 

Dissolving female condoms can stop HIV and unwanted pregnancy – I guess, but it sounds like a bad idea to me.

Amsterdam to ban smoking pot in school – What’s next, no fornication in gym?

Homosexuality ultimately a result of gene regulation, researchers find- That’s why I prefer the “Loose fit” style.

Radical new motorcycle helmet hitting the road next year – Damn, I hope no one is it!

Shhhh! A new law says TV ads can't blare anymore – WELL IT”S ABOUT TIME!!  Ah…Well it’s about time.

New York village looks to contraceptive to control deer population – The village is having trouble finding volunteers to attach condoms.

'Truther' group that questions 9/11 attacks adopts a stretch of Missouri highway – Well they are from Missouri…so…

Obama won't go after marijuana use in Colorado, Washington State – "I am perfectly perfectly happy to use it in DC," the President announced at his weekly meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

 

Two-month investigation leads to prostitution arrest in Franklin – Two months? Police were pretty sure, but wanted to take their time just to be on the safe side.

Judge urged to dismiss suit on San Francisco nudity ban – Judge responding to the suit request replied, “HELLO!  There is a ban on nudity!”