STUPID HEADLINES 111812

STUPID HEADLINES 111812

The power is back and so are Cranky’s Stupid Headlines of the week, my stupid headlines and stupider, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 

Invisibility cloak now a reality, scientists say – “No really, it works…its right over…where the fuck is it?

Invisibility Cloak

Arizona woman runs down husband with car for not voting – Imagine if he voted the wrong way!

‘GIF’ named word of the year by Oxford American Dictionary – Gif for Graphics Interchange Format.  Personally I voted for Adew - Acronyms Don’t Equal Words.

Ohio woman who drove on sidewalk to avoid school bus holds 'idiot' sign under court order – Idiots protest Ohio woman carrying “Idiot” sign for insulting Idiots.

4 Surgeries to Avoid – Neckectomy, penilectomy, heart transplant from a Republican, brain transplant from a Democrat.

Judge Judy celebrates 70th birthday in white bikini – OK, this one time I gotta disagree with Judge Judy!

 

North Carolina judge nixes New Year's Eve possum drop – Judge rules with PETA and slowly lowering the possum in a cage is not allowed.  Strangely, it seems shooting the little bugger between the eyes and dropping him from a tree at mid-night New Year’s Eve would be within the law.

Holder, Mueller face mounting questions on why Petraeus probe kept under wraps – "face mounting questions?" "Petraeus probe under wraps?" Come on, this is just way too easy!

Senator-elect Angus King sides with Democrats – Maine Senator Angus King replaces Olympia Snowe…I don’t know a thing about their politics, but do Maine politicians have GREAT NAMES or WHAT?

That's a mouthful: South Africa police say man swallowed 220 diamonds – Talk about expensive taste!*

Ex-teacher says school officials told her to 'train' her breasts to not make milk at work – Teacher’s breasts could roll over and sit up and beg, but they would not stop making milk!

Rhode Island man's fake money had Lincoln's face instead of Franklin's, police say – Other than that it was a perfect counterfeit.

Cracker Jack’d: New version of Cracker Jacks to contain caffeine – GreatalittlecaffeinewithaMonsterpowerdrinkloveitcauseyoucanthaveenoughenergydoIstillgetafreeprize?

Twinkies? Chris Christie Doesn't Want No Stinkin' Twinkies – New Jersey Governor strongly denies he is Gay…not that it matters.

 

*Cranky Old Man apologizes for obvious easy joke…it’s the Tourette’s.

CARRYING A GRUDGE

CARRYING A GRUDGE

 

I do not do a lot of things well, but one thing I am extraordinary at is carrying a grudge.  I do not forget shit, and I will find a way to right a wrong.  I submit to you the case of Larry Graham*.

My sophomore year of high school students from the town’s two Jr. Highs merged together for the first time.  I spent my ninth grade at Edison Jr. High, the blue collar side of town.  The other school was Roosevelt Jr. High from the rich snotty side of town. 

Most of the kids knew some of the kids from the other Jr. Highs.  I had only moved to Westfield, N.J. the year before and I was still the new kid with students from my freshman year.

The very first day of my sophomore year I was in a home room of all Roosevelt kids.  The designated wise guy in the room was Larry Graham.  That first day, Larry was charming the teacher and entertaining the whole class with his braggadocio and clever retorts.  Everyone in the room was enamored with his wit; everyone but me.  I did not think he was funny at all, as a matter of fact I thought he was a complete asshole.  While the entire class including the teacher was laughing at his antics, I stared straight ahead and pretty much ignored him.

Larry did not like that I was not admiring his charm.

At some point the teacher calmed everyone down and began to call roll.  When my name was called I responded “here,” and then it happened…Larry Fricking Graham yelled out much to the amusement of the entire class, “Look, IT talks!”

IT TALKS?  IT?  Really Larry, you skinny-ass mother friggin douche bag whom I could have crushed in about sixteen seconds…IT TALKS?

I never responded to Larry Graham.  I don’t even remember him for the rest of the year or for the rest of my high school years for that matter.  I know I never got to know many of the Roosevelt kids, I know Larry remained a little shit with a big mouth. I think he might have been on the Swim Team.  I was Captain of the Football Team (I’m just saying!)

I never forgot “Look, IT talks!”

Years later, Frog (a Roosevelt kid) mentioned the name Larry Graham.  It was like the old Abbot and Costello routine:

“LARRY GRAHAM? Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch…”

“Jowles, Jowles (my nick name…long story) snap out of it!”

Frog brought me back to my senses before I broke something.

Two years ago I again heard the name Larry Graham.  I got hold of an email he sent to members of the schools 45^th reunion.  I had not attended; I hate reunions and make it a point to never attend.  In the email Larry sounded like the same old asshole I remembered from that first day in home room my sophomore year.

Armed with Larry’s email address, I contacted him.  I told him about the IT comment and how I always hated him because of it.  I told him I thought he was an asshole and a little shit then and from what I read in his email he had not changed very much.

Larry responded.  He said he realizes sometimes his mouth gets out of control.  He apologized and admitted that he must have hurt me very badly for me to remember his comment over 45 years later.  He suggested we stay in touch and even become friends.

I responded back, “Larry, don’t despair you really did not hurt me; I just always wanted to tell you that I thought you were an asshole.  I appreciate your apology, but I cannot accept it.  Fuck you, you fucking asshole!”

 

 

Larry tried a follow up response, but it was summarily deleted.

Can I carry a grudge or what?

*Not his real last name which sounded much like Mary Tyler Moore’s boss. 

It’s a Gubba!

It’s a Gubba!

 

 

Dear Mr. Webster,

I would like to introduce a new word to our lexicon.  Actually it is not a new word, it is an old one invented by my friend years ago.  If you need to give credit for this word, credit it to a Mr. Charles Widmer, aka Chuck, Wink, Ditmus and for the sake of humor in this blog…”Asshead.”  The word:

Gubba. Gu ba’ Plural: ginder gin der'

What is this word?  It is a noun meaning any little unidentified thing which can only be held between two fingers.

Years ago while working a summer job installing underground sprinklers with Ditmus, I encountered a tiny unknown object in our truck.

“Hey Chuck, What the hell is this?” I asked while holding up the tiny thing between my thumb and middle finger.

Charlie took one quick look and declared, “It’s a Gubba.”

“A what?”

“A Gubba, any stupid unidentified thing which serves no apparent purpose is a “Gubba.”

It worked for me, and it saved a lot of head scratching and useless identification.

If a sprinkler head was clogged, what caused the clog? A Gubba.

Something caught between your toes that was driving you crazy?  A Gubba.

I have not used this word in years.  What prompted me to submit it as a new entry to our lexicon?  When toddler sitting on Grandpa Joe Thursday I found myself using it again, and with great effectiveness.

“Pa Pa Joe, wha dis?”

“Hmmm, let me see Cole…oh it’s a Gubba, just throw it away.”

No need to figure out what the tiny thing really is, no need to explain.  Just “It’s a Gubba!” that seems to satisfy a toddler.

There are lots of Gubbas around a house that has toddlers; little things which might gross you out if you knew what they were.  Better to not even research and find out.  Just pick it up and flick it in the garbage.

“It’s a Gubba.”