NEW AND IMPROVED

This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

MY SON THE SCAVENGER

MY SON THE SCAVENGER


My middle child, if you can have a middle out of four, is a scavenger.  He is not a hoarder; he knows how to sell stuff or to throw it away.  He just can’t pass by anything that someone is trying to throw away if it appears to have value.

While other parents demand brand new toys, The Scavenger has no problem rehabilitating broken or old toys that neighborhood children have outgrown.  It has now reached a point that neighbors don’t throw toys away without first checking with the Scavenger.  The Crankettes have bikes, trikes, plastic tables, wagons and construction toys of all kinds; all rescued from the dumpster.  They even have a giant wooden swing set that was outgrown by the neighbors.

The Scavenger has rescued and sold carpets.  He has a basement full of tools and ladders that were all previously unwanted.  He passes slowly by neighborhood homes on pick-up day, eyes peeled for unwanted treasure. 

On the way to work one morning, the Scavenger passed a wrought iron bench with wooden slats that was left close to the curb.  He had just the place in his yard for such a nice piece.  He could not believe someone would throw out such a bench.  He had seen similar benches at Home Depot for over $150.  On the way home he saw the bench was still out by the curb.

The next day he again passed the bench and vowed if it was not picked up by the time he returned home he would save it from the garbage truck hopper.  On his trip home, sure enough, the bench was right by the curb, unwanted and unloved.  The Scavenger would give it a proper home.  He pulled his car over, popped the trunk, and proceeded with much difficulty to load the bench in the trunk, carefully tying the trunk lid down over the bench as the bench was too big to allow the trunk to be closed.  When the Scavenger was about to pull happily away he was called out by a very aggravated lady.

“Hey you, what the hell do you think you are doing?”

“Ah…er…I was just going to take this bench before the trash men do.”

“That’s not trash, it’s my bench!  I use it every day while waiting for my son to be dropped off from the school bus!”

The Scavenger quickly pulled the bench out of the trunk and returned it to its position by the curb.  Slightly embarrassed but unflustered the Scavenger simply commented, “It IS a very nice bench”, and drove off home.

He still has the perfect place for a nice bench.  He could afford to buy one at Home Depot, but I think he would prefer to wait until an unwanted bench turns up.  

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

THE DOG SHOW

THE DOG SHOW


I am a dog lover.  I have shared my home with a Cocker Spaniel, a Boxer, a Beagle, a mutt, a Labrador, and a Corgi.  All had different personalities, all had different needs, all wanted to please.  I loved them all.  Every child should have a dog in their life.  I have a theory; a child raised with a dog in the family never does drugs.

A dog is a member of the family.  They are the neediest yet most loyal member of the family.  They are at the bottom of the family totem pole.  A child never feels neglected in a family with a dog.  With a dog, there is always a family member that though loved is not as important as the child…the dog.

Children learn loyalty from the dog.  They learn of the importance of discipline from the dog.  They learn responsibility from the dog.  They learn about unconditional love from the dog.  Every family should have a dog.

I just finished watching this year’s Westminster Dog Show.  I love this show because I love dogs.  It is a stupid expensive display of dog opulence.  I love the dog show.

My only objection to the dog show is it is the most subjective contest in the world.  The winners of every category and the eventual “Best in Show” is based on the judge’s “mental image of the ‘perfect’ dog described in the breed’s Official Standard.”

OH come-on now!!

There are 150 different breeds at the show.  The winner of each breed, the dog of that breed which most perfectly meets the standard of that breed, competes in one of several categories.  There are working breeds, sporting breeds, toy breeds, terriers and more.  The winner of each group, the dog that is the most perfect to the standard of its breed compared to the other dog breeds, advances to “Best in Show” judging.

In this grand finale of judging, one judge apparently expert in the standards of all 150 breeds, takes about one minute to check the teeth, musculature, coat and gait of each of seven dogs and awards a ribbon to the “Best in Show.”

Each dog in this finale has twice been judged to be closest to perfection of the standard of its breed.  “Best in Show” really boils down to the dog one judge just happens to like.  It is totally subjective at this point. 

This year’s winner was the Pekinese.  It is a little fur ball which waddles, cannot run and looks like a giant furry spider.  It is bred to sit on peoples laps.  It does not hunt.  It does not pull stuff.  It does not capture and kill rats.  It does not guard the house.  It sits on laps.  The standard for this dog which best meets the needs for which it was bred is it must have an ass with which to sit.

Except for last year when the “Best in Show” was a Deerhound, perhaps the ugliest dog ever, the winner of “Best in Show” is invariably a cutesy little sissy lap dog.

For over twenty years now, the most popular breed in this country has been the Labrador Retriever, followed by the Golden Retriever.  Both are in the sporting category.  They are beautiful, gentle, loyal, family dogs, which are also bred to hunt and retrieve game.


A Labrador or a Golden has never won “Best in Show.”  They rarely win the sporting dog category.  It is hard to believe that in the 100+ years of this dog show, one of these retriever breeds has never been bred to exhibit the most perfection for the standard which that breed demands.

I love the dog show, but they need a new category.  After “Best in Show” they should choose the “Poofiest, Puffiest, Cutest, Little Fur-ball Woosey Dog in Show.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of “Best in Show” is….The LABRADOR!!”

“And now Ladies and gentlemen, for all you non real-dog lovers, the winner of the “Poofiest, Puffiest, Cutest, Little Fur-ball Woosey Dog in Show” is….The TOY POODLE!!

Maybe that would satisfy all the elite snothead dog owners of the world.

Either way, I still love The Dog Show.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY