EXTREME AUSTERITY

EXTREME AUSTERITY

Money is tight these days, so I am looking into ways to save some cash.  Watching TV, as I do a lot, I have found many advertized ways to cut costs.  By shopping smart, and making a few lifestyle changes, Mrs. Cranky and I expect the following savings this year:

GEICO promises if I change insurers I can save $500 a year on car insurance.

I quit smoking and save $7.00 a day from a pack-a-day addiction.  That is a savings of $2555/year.

I quit drinking for a savings of $30/week on wine and $30/week on scotch total savings of $2900/year.

TV ads claim I can change my cable and internet access for a savings of $3500/year.

I have found new services that promise savings of $5000/year on health insurance, $1000 on cell phone service, and $2000/year by ordering pet supplies on-line.

I shop for clothes at inexpensive stores and save $1500 per year.

Using coupons and only buying store brand groceries saves me $3900/year.

I use gas saving techniques while driving to save $520/year, and set my thermostat down in the winter and up in the summer to save $1200/year on heating and air conditioning.

FreeCreditReport.scam  promises to save me money on lower interest rates on my loans = $4000/year savings.

I saved $5000 on a new car by buying on an advertized “super sales” week.

I added insulation to my house, installed more eco-friendly windows and purchases new “green” appliances, all to achieve a promised savings of $3000/year.

I shopped around and found a cheaper vacation home this year for a $1500 savings.

Mrs. Cranky and I go out to dinner only twice a month from six times a month.  Saving $4000/year.

We make our own meals and stopped ordering out for pizza, Chinese etc.  Saving $3000/year.

Renting movies versus going to the theater saves $1200/year.

No more Broadway shows and nights on the town saves $2800/year.

I cut back on birthday and Christmas presents by 50% saving $2000.

We pay all our bills on-line, and keep up with friends on-line including sending Holiday greetings.  Savings on stamps - $750/year.

Cutting back on showers, soap, hair products and deodorant saves $600/year.

Reduced expenses from suddenly having no friends to entertain saves $1500/year.

When we do go out, I forget to tip; saving $460/year.

Fake tossing money into the exact change machines on the parkway – savings $700/year.

Using only sweeteners, salt, pepper, ketchup and other condiments that are smuggled out of restaurants saves $175/year.

Resoling shoes instead of buying new - $225/year.

Shoplifting dishes, clothes, golf balls and other items - $600/year

Sneaking onto the golf course once a week - $1800/year.

All of these austerity changes to our lifestyle have a projected savings of $57,945. 

I only have an income of $50,000/year.

I figure someone owes me $7,945!

HEADLINES 121111

HEADLINES 121111

It’s Sunday, time for Cranky’s least viewed post, HEADLINES of the week and my stupid sophomoric comments.  To induce comments, I will award a WHOOP-TEE-DOO to the best comment on the last headline.

Virginia Dog Missing for Eight Years Found in California – It took 8 years for Virginia owner to remember he lost the dog in California.

California Church Uses Baby Monitor to Nab Robbery Suspects- Pastor banged them over the head with the speaker and tied them up with the cords.

Obama Ambassador Under Fire For Blaming Israel For Muslim Anti-Semitism- “If we could just get rid of Israel and all the Jews we could wipe out anti-Semitism completely!” Ambassador claims.

Pay Freeze for Queen in UK Austerity Measures – Even with the pay freeze, Elton is still one of the wealthiest men in the UK.

Mother of six trades in $96k house for used minivan – Says the van is much easier to parallel park!

Elderly complain about pants search at NY airport – Seniors don’t understand why they are forced to go through smiling TSA agents’ pockets.

FDA Cracking Down on Online Sperm Donor- There’s an APP for that?

Obama says jobless rate could drop to 8 percent – If only 1.6% would stop looking for jobs we could reach this lofty goal!

Woman Survives Being Buried Alive, Digs Herself Out With Engagement Ring – Sales of previously little known “Shovel Engagement Ring” go through the roof!

Muslim Cleric's Warning: Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women – Your comment here - best comment wins a WHOOP-TEE-DOO! ________________________________________________________________________

Last week’s comment contest on headline-

Flesh-eating banana fears hit Mozambique

Was won by

One Bad Pixie  -  Viagra sales plummet!

 ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­OBP was the only entrant but nevertheless here it is:

WHOOP-TEE-DOO!

I almost forgot, Mr. and Mrs. Cranky are married one year today!!
WHOOP-TEE-DOO!!!

PERVDAR

PERVDAR

I recently read a very entertaining blog from “Mommy Bags” http://mommybags.blogspot.com/2011/12/wtf-fridaywoot-woot.html where MB mentioned she knew a reality show contestant was a pervert well before he was accused and convicted of dealing in child pornography.  It is not the first time I have been aware of this extra sense that women seem to possess; PERVDAR!

Years ago, when I was a supervisor of about 20 clerical workers, there was a guy whom I’ll call Ralph.  The unit I supervised required people to pair off in order to perform their function.  There were three women to every man in this unit.  None of the women wanted to work side by side with Ralph.

Ralph seemed like a nice guy to me.  He was clean cut, reasonably good looking; he liked sports, was polite and had a good sense of humor.

“He’s just weird, I can’t tell you why.” Is the response I would get when I enquired why women would not work with Ralph. 

“I can’t tell you, you’d have to be a woman” was another common response.

I always paired Ralph off with another man, and there was never an incident.  Ralph was not the best worker, but he was adequate, and he came to work on time.  He was laid off one year when the company was not making enough money to make the stockholders happy.

Several years after Ralph left the company, I was riding a crowded NYC subway.  I was seated and nodding off when a woman woke me with a loud rant:

“You touch my ass one more time and I’m going to cut off your Mother-Fu*king dick!”  (You don’t want to mess with NYC women.)  

“Wha what?  I didn’t do nothing!”

“Listen dickwad, every time the train shifts you rub against my ass.  One more time and I will knee you so hard you’ll be talking through your balls!”

“I didn’t do nothing!”

I felt a little sorry for this dude.  It is sometimes difficult to avoid bumping into people on a crowded subway.  Then I looked up at the culprit.  It was Ralph!  Apparently it was not just difficult for Ralph to avoid contact it was also very hard!

I don’t know what the ladies saw, they never could really tell me, but from that point on I totally believed in women’s PERVDAR!