BLOGGING IS FOR THE YOUNG

BLOGGING IS FOR THE YOUNG

I am beginning to thing that I am too old to blog.  Not that I am incapable of blogging, but my demography does not lend itself to an active viewership.  Old people read books and newspapers.  They only grudgingly use computers.  In fact computers make old people angry. 

I try to get my generation of older friends interested in my blog and they act as if finding and reading a blog is rocket science.  Mind you, many of these people are still active and successful lawyers, engineers and captains of industry.  They are so successful that they have other people do their computer shit.  The fact that they even read and use email is a surprise to me.

I tried to get my fellow seniors to follow my blog via Facebook.  You would think I was asking them to join the communist party. 

They typical response was, “I don’t do Facebook or any other intrusive social network thing.” 

“O. K.  How about I email the link to you?”

“I got the link, what do I do with it?”

“Double click the link.”

“Huh?”

“Take your mouse, left click twice very fast and the link will appear so you can read my blog.  Then save it to your favorites and check it periodically.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind, just go buy out that silly conglomerate, sell off the underperforming units, take the new entity public, unload the new stock at an inflated price and make about 50 fucking million dollars, but YOU CAN”T FIGURE OUT HOW TO VIEW MY FREAKING BLOG????  And if you do manage to find it could you manage to click one fucking ad so I can make 35 cents?  Thank you.

The rest of my demographic does not read.  I am not afraid of insulting them when I say this, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT READ!  To these cretins, the internet is for porn, the sports page is for reading. 

When your friends and relatives are ruled out as followers, I am left with a smattering of Moms (Mums) across the Ocean (I hate that across the POND shit).  I love this group, and some of their blogs are funnier than all blazes but much of what is in my head is foreign to them.

In order to get closer to my only demographic I am going to baby sit my Pennsylvania son’s toddlers once a week this fall.  I am going to gain 20 pounds of belly to empathize with the pregnancy experience, and I am thinking of turning gay so I can understand how really horrible men are. 

OK that’s a really bad idea; I’ll just make believe I know what the women are talking about.

I will keep trying, but I am beginning to think I am just too old to blog.

For more stuff buy "Maybe It's Just Me!" @ rosedogbooks.com  or Amazon http://adf.ly/1MJqD

follow on twitter JoeHagyauthor

I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE II

I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE PART II

More stuff from my youth that should have done me in.  It is a miracle that I am still above ground:

Kids today are coddled.  Parents watch their every move.  They are practically covered with bubble wrap before they are allowed to go outside and play.  Riding a bike on the street is not allowed, and anything remotely dangerous is done under the supervision of a parent.  When I look back at my own childhood and compare it to today’s parenting I realize –

I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE!!

I used to hitchhike to school.

I breathed my Dad’s second hand cigarette smoke in the house and car for 20 years.

I once talked to a stranger.

I rocked back on my chair at dinner.

I jump started a car by connecting the negative post of both batteries instead of to the good battery and grounded metal on the dead car (or is it the other way?)

I sat too close to the TV.

I once crossed the street when the sign said “don’t walk.”

I retrieved balls stuck in the gutter by shinning up the drainpipe.

I went outside during a blizzard even though I did not have to.

I never watch for falling rocks even when a sign tells me to!

I used to run behind the mosquito control trucks because I liked the smell of the DDT mist!

Even though the bridge freezes before the road, I don’t care I drive the same.

I mixed apples with oranges.

I played with toys that had small pieces.

I took a Tylenol and then operated heavy machinery.

I talked on the phone during a thunderstorm.

I stuck a fork in the toaster to pull out an English muffin.

I ate unwrapped candy and fruit that I collected on Halloween.

I ignored “slippery when wet signs.”

I rode my bike at night without a light or reflectors.

I played golf after waiting only 5 minutes after hearing thunder.

I poured gasoline over wet leaves to burn them.  (They burned really fast, and so did my eyebrows.)

I ate peanuts, got stung by a bee and went out in the winter without zipping my coat.

Of course I never texted or talked on a phone while driving.  I never met strangers that flirted with me on the internet.  I never bungee jumped. Safe sex was not getting caught by her old man.  I never knew anyone who owned a gun, carried a knife, or offered me drugs.  Kids didn’t get abducted, there was no AIDS, food did not cause salmonella, nut jobs didn’t poison over-the-counter drugs, kids in trenchcoats didn’t shoot students at school, and fanatics did not fly planes into buildings. 

Maybe things used to be a little safer when I was young.

For more stuff buy "Maybe It's Just Me!" @rosedogbooks.com or Amazon http://adf.ly/1MJqD

Follow on Twitter @JoeHagyauthor   

INTERNET BULLIES

INTERNET BULLIES

The kid that gave up his lunch money everyday has found his revenge.  The wimp who had sand kicked in his face is getting back.  That nerd you dissed when he asked you to the prom has found his voice.  These disenfranchised losers have become INTERNET BULLIES.

You find them everywhere on the internet.  I first encountered these bullies playing online poker.  Everyone on the table is either silent, or engages in pleasant chatter; everyone except the BULLY.  There is a bully on every table.

E - “Good luck everybody”

B – “Fuck you, you loser asshole!”

E – “??WTF?”

B – “Give me your chips fag!”

One thing about the bully is everyone is a fag.  Issues? Maybe!

I used to fight back with these losers.

Me – Why are you so nasty?

B – Because I hate old faggots.

Me – Oh yeah?  You’re gay!

B – You’re gay and I f***ed your mother.  (Also standard they have all had sex with my mother…issues much?)

Me – You are a big fat stupid head!

This goes on forever.  The only time I ever shut one of these bullies up went like this:

B - “You are an old gay asshole”

Me – “Are you a tough guy?”

B – “I could kick your sorry ass with one hand tied behind my back!”

Me – “Have you ever killed anyone with a knife?”

B – “….Have you?”

Me – “It really is not pretty.”

The bully left the table.  This is very rare; generally an anonymous person on facebook or online poker cannot stop these losers from bullying. 

Then I found the magic button – MUTE.

Me – “You are a pathetic loser who has been picked on your whole life and has never had sex of any kind outside your own bathroom you flaming simpleton asshole!  Oh...reply if you will, but you are now on MUTE! This is much like your real life when the whole world has forever had you on MUTE!

By the time I finished this tirade I felt really good except that without realizing it I folded a full house!

DAMN!

For more stuff buy "Maybe It's Just Me!" @rosedogbooks.com or Amazon http://adf.ly/1MJqD 
follow on twitter @JoeHagyauthor