NEW AND IMPROVED

This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL

LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL
This is dedicated to my favorite LL coaches; Ray Hanson of North Brunswick N.J. and Jamie Rivera of Metuchen N.J.  Both represent to me the many dedicated parents who manage to balance teaching competition and skills to kids while never losing sight of the fact that these kids are….well….KIDS!!
 It is nearly the end of another Little League baseball season.  There is still a summer league, but my son will not be playing baseball this summer.  At thirteen years old this is Spencer’s last year of playing Little League Baseball.  I went through five years of Little League with my son Matthew over twenty years ago.  Now my second time around as a Little League parent is about to come to an end.  It is a good time to share my fondest memories of this American tradition.
I have experienced many  Little League horror storys.  Coaches making kids cry, parents making asses of themselves arguing with umpires half or a third their age.  There have been kids with a bad attitude, kids who are mean to other kids and many examples of bad sportsmanship which were particularly uncalled for in a “children’s game.”  I choose to forget all the bad things that sometimes come out of Little League, the good stuff far outweighs the bad.  Here are three of my favorite Little League stories.
THE CATCH
When my son Matt was ten, his team made it to the division championship game.  At ten years old, every fly ball is an adventure, every at bat a challenge.  On this team there was a little boy who at age twelve was such a poor player he was forced to play with the ten year olds.  
I don’t remember his name so I will just call him Ralph.  Ralph knew he was a bad player, but he loved the game.  I’m not sure Ralph could even see.  He wore coke bottle thick glasses and it seemed he sometimes had trouble even finding his glove.  He never complained, never argued, never threw a bat, and he always hustled.   Ralph always tried his best. He was always smiling.  He was always happy.  In twenty-five games, Ralph never hit a ball into fair play, and he never caught a fly ball.
In the final half of the final inning of the final game, the game for the championship of the ten year old division, our team was leading 9-8.  There were two outs and there were men on second and third.  Ralph was in right field.  Right field is where Little League teams try to hide their worst fielder.  Right field is the position which sees the least action.  Right field is where the final batter in the last half of the final inning of the final game, the game for the division championship, lofted a high fly ball. 
The ball was hit directly at Ralph.  If he dropped it, two runs would score and our team would lose.  If he caught it, the game would be over and our team would win.  Ralph did not move one inch.  He stood with his hands at his side as he followed the flight of the ball.  Everything was moving in slow motion when at the last second (my apologies to the Steve Martin movie “Parenthood” which came several years after this event) Ralph stuck out his glove.  The ball dropped in the pocket, Ralph closed his mitt trapping the fly, and in one motion with his right hand he grabbed his hat, swirled it in the air, brought his arm across his belly and made a perfect bow to the cheering crowd of 55 parents and siblings.
It was the only fly ball Ralph had ever caught in his life.  It was probably the last fly ball chance he would ever get, and Ralph caught it with panache.  I loved that catch, I loved that kid!
THE UMP  
When Matt was twelve, he umpired games for the younger divisions.  At eight dollars a game this was a great gig, but umpiring games coached by sometimes enraged parents was not always easy. 
I went to one game to give Matt a ride home after he was done.  I arrived in the last inning of a one run game just in time to watch the game’s final batter strike out on a swinging foul tip to the catcher.  The pitch was inside and it appeared to have grazed the batters fist on the swing.  Matt called the batter out, and the manager ran to the field.  “It hit his hand, it hit his hand, he should get first base!” The manager screamed.
Matt made a foul tip signal, and replied firmly, “All bat coach, all bat.”  That explanation seemed to satisfy the coach; game over.
When Matt got in the car, I asked him if the pitch hit the kid’s fist or not.  He replied, “Oh it hit him, but I am pretty sure that when you swing the hand is considered part of the bat and the strike out stands.  I didn’t want to get into it with the coach, so I just said it was all bat.”
Until that moment, I did not know if Matt was particularly smart or not.  With this one umpiring call I realized he was not just smart, but quick on his feet as well!
By the way, the hand is considered part of the bat if you swing.
THE TIE BREAKER
Before the start of each season, players go through a tryout.  Coaches evaluate each player before they decide who to choose for their team.  During one of these tryouts I got to talking to Ray Hanson, one of the managers.
“I see you make different notations after each player, what do they mean?”
“Well it’s hard to remember each kid, so I just jot down different notes.  For instance “gf” means good fielder.  If he can throw I put “ga” for good arm.    Good hitter gets “gh”.  If he runs fast I put “gs” for good speed.
“Hey Ray.”  I asked.  “You have “glm” after this kid, what does that mean?”
“That?  That’s my tie breaker when two kids are close.  “Glm” stands for Good Looking Mom!”
I am going to really miss Little League Baseball!

For more stuff buy "Maybe It's Just Me!"  at Amazon  http://adf.ly/1MJqD
Follow on Twitter @ JoeHagyautor

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

SQUEAKY THE SQUIRREL

Once again, in order to prove how easy it is to write children’s books, The Cranky Old Man offers a new story in the same vein as “Oinky The Pig”.  Sit back children, enjoy the story and sleep tight.
SQUEAKY THE SQUIRREL
(Another Cranky Fable for Spoiled Little Kids)
 Squeaky was a young squirrel, only one year old.  He was young, but in squirrel age he was old enough to be on his own.  He left his mother only months ago and now in the early spring he clung to his own big oak tree. 
Squeaky was an acrobatic little squirrel able to jump from tree limb to tree limb with ease.  He preferred, however, to stay close to the tree trunk.  His mother had told him to always try and cling to the trunk.  That is mostly what Squeaky did.  He would race around, up and down the massive trunk, and he stayed away from the branches.
One day a large bird landed on a branch, several feet from Squeaky.  “Hi, I’m Divey the Hawk.  What is your name?”
“Squeaky,” the little squirrel replied.
“Come out on the branch, I want to show you something.” Divey said.
“I don’t think so, Divey, I prefer to stay on the trunk.”
“OK, but you may not be able to see my trick.  Watch this.  See that leaf on the ground?” 
Before Squeaky could answer, Divey Kicked off the branch, flapped his wings, and soared up and up.  Divey circled once, then tucked in his wings and dove toward the ground.  At the last second before he crashed to the ground, Divey threw out his wings, pulled up, and snatched the leaf in his talons.  Divey flapped his wings once, and landed right back on the branch.
“Wow, that was neat” said Squeaky, “but I didn’t see you grab the leaf.”
“That’s because you clung to the trunk.  Come out on the branch and watch; I’ll do it again.”
“Well, I’m not supposed to….though I don’t know why….hmmm….well maybe just a little.”  Squeaky crept out several feet on the branch.
Divey said “Watch this.  Keep your eyes on that twig on the ground.”
Divey kicked off again, arose high in the air, circled once, then tucked in his wings and dove head first toward the twig on the ground.  Once again at the last second, Divey pulled up as he grabbed the twig, and then alit on the branch close to Squeaky.  “How was that?”  Divey asked.
“That was really cool” Squeaky said, “but I still missed the end of your dive.”  “You’re too close to the trunk” said Divey. “Come out to the end of the branch and I’ll show you again.”
“I guess that would be ok.”  The cute little squirrel replied.
“Watch this then.” Once again Divey took to the air, and Squeaky scampered out to the end of the branch.
Divey circled once, tucked in his wings and dove for the ground.  This time before he reached the ground, Divey pulled up and as he reached the end of the branch, stuck out his talons, snatched Squeaky from the branch, and flew away carrying the struggling squirrel.
“What the Fuck!!” Squeaky howled, “Where are we going?”
“Back to my nest to eat you.”  Said the hawk. 
“Damn!”  Squeaky said.  “That’s the last time I’ll ever go out on a limb!”
“Yes it is.” Divey said, “Yes it is.”
For more "stuff" read "Maybe It's Just Me!" http://adf.ly/1MJqD
Follow on twitter JoeHagyauthor

Monday, June 13, 2011

THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF THIS WEEK

Things That Pissed Me off This Week

Thursday I was shopping for corn on the cob at the supermarket.  The market had a bin full of yellow Florida corn.  A large sign over the bin read “DO NOT HUSK THE CORN”.  Supermarkets do not like you to husk the corn because no one will buy the corn when the husk is off.  I know I won’t pick corn that has been husked and passed over by someone else.  If it was not good enough for you, why the hell should I take it? 
Buried in this bin of corn, right under the freaking giant sign, was a Korean lady ripping the husk off every flipping ear of corn and passing on almost every husked ear. 
I picked up each ear and mumbled, “Who wants this one, the husk is off?  Why is the husk off when the sign says do not husk the corn?  Why is someone so special that they can husk the corn regardless of the sign?”
The response from this lady who could clearly hear my mumbling was, “This corn baad.  This corn smaall.  This corn no smell good….”  The corn was just fine except that it had NO GOD DAMN HUSK!! She did not care.
People; take a chance.  Just buy the corn without opening it up….please.  Maybe every once in a while you will get a bad ear.  You might get missing kernels, you might get a worm, and you might get an ear with some rot.  Take a chance, live dangerously and follow the rules!! 
Does anyone open a box of corn flakes and make sure they are all golden brown and of a nice size?  Do you open the milk and stick your nose in the carton to smell if it is fresh?  Hey, how about ripping open the yogurt and making sure it is fresh; if you’re not sure, just cover it up and put it back.  Does anyone do these things?  NOOOO!!  So don’t husk the fucking corn either!  Ok, I feel a little better now.
Friday, I went to the gym.  As I was waiting in the car, parked in the lot while listening to the end of a radio interview, some nimrod pulls next to me, slams open his door which banged into my passenger door.  This numb-nuts never looked at my door, never looked at me and never said “Oops, sorry.”  He just dicked around with some stuff and then walked away to pick up a pizza. 
Somehow, my door was not dented or scratched, but I still was pissed that I did not get an apology.......I felt much better after I had an accident with my key. 
That’s right nimrod:
Cranky…. That nasty old man is meee;
Cranky….I make the sign of the Ceeee.
(My apologies to the theme from Zorro. GIYP.) Google it young people.
I got pissed off on Sunday when I spent an hour at the market looking for the kosher Bacon that was on my list.  My wife still thinks this was funny.  Fool me once! 
Does anyone know where to find kosher shrimp?
Finally, on Sunday we went to the race track.  There was a trash bin with a lid opening just big enough for a bottle or a can.  The bin had a sign that clearly said “Recyclables, bottles and cans only.”  The bin was stuffed with paper plates, trash, and unfinished lunches.  Less than two feet away was a large bin with a large opening and a large sign that said “TRASH.” 
I desperately needed a neck to strangle or a car to key, but alas there was none; and so I am still PISSED OFF.

For more stuff, buy" Maybe It's Just Me!" http://adf.ly/1MJqD
Follow mw on twitter @JoeHagyauthor