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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

THE HOARDER...SORTA


THE HOARDER...SORTA

Mrs. C is an almost hoarder.  She doesn’t like to throw things away, but it is not like we can't enter and exit our house unimpeded.  Our closets, attic and garage are chock full of stuff, and there is a storage unit that sucks up a monthly fee that I don’t even like to think about (Storage units are where old crap goes to die), but occasionally she will let go of things.

Does she save Popsicle sticks?  Well yes, but not always.

Does she save boxes in case she needs to return the item that came in the box?  Well yes, but she will put other boxes in the boxes.

Have I found receipts that are over three years old?  Well yes…is that unusual?

I have learned to bite my tongue about stuff that takes up space.  I have stopped arguing that space is as valuable as useless stuff.  I did find an old VCR rewind machine that I made fun of and sure enough the next day we used it to help sort through some old family tapes.

I let it go, because I can deal with it, and also because I know it is a disease.  How do I know?  When I suggest we throw away something, there is a palpable look of fear that crosses her face.

If a movie producer needed an actor to show fear in a scene, they could hire Mrs. C.

“Ok folks, this is where the monster rings the door bell.  Mrs. C, you answer the bell and give it your best fear face.  Action…”

The bell rings, Mrs. C goes to the door.

“Queue the old pair of jeans, threaten to throw them away.” 

Mrs. C opens the door and sees not the monster, but her 20 year old jeans being thrown away.

“Arrrrrrgh!!  NO!! NOOO!!!”

“Cut.  That’s a take.  Beautiful.  Give Mrs. C her old jeans back, we’ll need her to calm down for the next scene.”

I could fall down the stairs and make a huge crash and Mrs. C would yell, “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine, just a little bruised, but I broke the coffee mug I was carrying.”

“Which one?”

“The ‘fifty and nifty’ cup.”

“Arrrrrrgh!!  NO!! NOOO!!!”

“I can buy a new one.”

“Arrrrrrgh!!  NO!! NOOO!!! They don’t make them like that one anymore!”

It’s a disease.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I AM NOT ASHAMED TO BE PREJUDICED


I AM NOT ASHAMED TO BE PREJUDICED
I always thought I was one to judge a person by his actions and not by superficial characteristics, but I am ashamed to admit that is not me.  Actually I am not ashamed Dammit! 

A recent trip to Massachusetts has confirmed my dislike for a certain group of people.  I know, it is not fair to assume the attributes of a few to everyone in a group, but the behavior of these people is universal in my encounters.

These people are arrogant.  These people are selfish.  These people are pushy.  These people think their shit doesn’t stink, and everyone should just give them their way because they are special.

Well I think they are special…a special kind of obnoxious, and I don’t care who I hurt or what rules of political correctness I am breaking, I do not like anyone in this group and I’m willing to bet there are lots of other people that are on my side but are just afraid to admit it.

Judge me if you want, but I am tired of taking crap from these people.  I am tired of being pushed around by these people and I am tired of acting like it is just a few and not everyone.

I am just going to say it.  Un-follow me if you must, I do not care.  I HATE ANYONE THAT DRIVES A BMW!!*

Beep beep this you Beemer douche bags.  You are not special just because you can afford an expensive powerful car. 

“Ooh, a Beemer, better move out of the way cause he is sooo special.” 

Well no more! When you drive up on my tail I will no longer pull to the right.  I am doing 5 MPH over the speed limit, you don’t like it?  How about I just slow it down a bit?  What’s that, you flash you high beams on me?  Oops I need to slow down a little more.

I’m sorry, it’s not you, it is just that I am prejudiced and I hate all BMW drivers.

Is that a hate crime?

*Actually some of my best friends drive BMW’s, but that ruins the satire.

Monday, September 28, 2015

I LOVE TECHNOLOGY


I LOVE TECHNOLOGY

We just got back from Massachusetts where my high school senior had a football game Friday night.  They lost and are now 2-1, but I was very impressed with Spencer.  He plays defensive corner and has a very good feel for the position, knowing when to pass cover where he shut his man down, and when to play the run where he strung out everything that came around his end.

Spencer is my third son to play football, and I must say I am getting too old.  The excitement and then the disappointment at their loss took its toll on me.  By the games end I was a wreck.  Still, I wish I could see all his games.  It is a 6-7 hour drive from N.J. to Mass., and traffic is always a bitch.  Then there is the expense; motel, gas, tolls, food…none cheap.  So we have gone to only one game a year; this year as Spence is starting we will see three games.

Still it kills me to miss any games.  For my other two boys I never missed a game and I videoed all of every game so we could watch and analyze it later.  It pains me to miss this.

Then I discovered technology, or Spencer set me up.  There is a service that, I assume for a fee, videos every game of almost every high school game played.  The service is for the team, and I believe only the coaches and players have access.  I am guessing there is a fee for every authorized viewer.

Keep it on the down low, but I have Spencer’s sign-on and password.  I will be able to view his game almost immediately after the final gun.  I won’t miss a play, and I can watch over and over like when I taped the games myself years ago.

I am very excited. 

I love technology!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

LIVING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES - a cranky re-run

LIVING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES
This cranky re-run is from August 2013
Imagine what it would be like living with Sherlock Holmes.  Your every move analyzed.  Every noise, every open window, every open drawer, every missing slice of bread, every unwashed fork, everything you touch leaves a clue as to what you have been up to.


That is what it is like living with Mrs. Cranky.  Her powers of observation, her sense of smell, her hearing and her ability to deduce events from these unique talents is eerie.  And to top it off, these senses are at work 24/7…yes, she hears, smells and feels, even in her sleep.


If I go down stairs late at night to sneak a snack, Sherlock Cranky catches me every time.


“What did you get, a gob of peanut butter on a spoon?”


“Yes, and how did you know, I thought you were asleep?”


“The rustling of your sheets woke me.  I heard the flatware drawer open, and footsteps to the pantry.  Peanut butter?  Elementary, I could smell it before you started up the stairs.”


If I sneak out to the store she not only knows where I’ve been, but what I purchased.


“Where have you been, Lowes?”


“Yes, and how did you know?”


“I saw you took down the basement smoke detector, bought a 9V battery didn’t you.”


“No...”


“No? Then let me see what is in that bag.”


“Ok, ok, I went to Lowes and bought a 9V battery…Damn, you’re creepy!”


When I come home from playing golf, Mrs. C knows how I did before I come in the door.


“Bad round huh.”


“Yes, and how did you know?”


“I didn’t hear the garage door open, so you left your clubs in the car.  You always put them away after a good round.  Plus you slammed the car door.  You never slam it unless you are upset.”


“What the hell, do you know friggin everything?  What did I have for lunch?”


“Cheeseburger, lemon pie and a Pepsi.”


“Holy meerschaum pipe and magnifying glass, how did you know that?”


“I didn’t, that was just a guess.”


I have no intention, inkling, or desire to ever cheat on Mrs. Cranky.  It is a good thing, because she would know who, when and where before I zipped my zipper.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

STUPID HEADLINES 092715


STUPID HEADLINES 092715

IT IS TIME AGAIN FOR
Guns are OK as long as they have a silencer.
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  As in previous weeks, There is no fake headline contest!

____________________________

Scientist awarded for unboiling an egg – If he could only teach politicians to undo a tweet.

There is no fake headline contest!


Philadelphia Newspaper Asks Pope Francis to Fix Eagles During Visit to City I suppose he could make them all Cardinals.

There is no fake headline contest!

Sources say Apple car on the way in 2019Great so every six months I’ll have to turn it in for the newest version.

There is no fake headline contest!

Cowboy ticketed for riding horse while intoxicated – He swears he didn’t know the horse was drunk.

There is no fake headline contest!

100-year-old man sets five world records at San Diego track meet 1.  He showed up. 2. He finished. 3. He didn’t get hurt. 4. He remembered all his events. 5.  Seriously this dude is friggin amazing!

 There is no fake headline contest!

Puppy Shoots Florida Man Puppy to use the stand your ground defense.  (Had to have at least one wacky headline from Florida…Thx Pixel.)

There is no fake headline contest!

5 Arrested in Math Lab bust- 3 turned him in, 4, 2 and 1 are on the run.  (Thx Skip)     There is no fake headline contest!

Residents Put ‘No Californians’ Stickers on Portland For-Sale Signs – Oregon resident C. Chatterbox told reporters, “Once those Californians move in…there goes the neighborhood!”

There is no fake headline contest!

Now the cultural cleansers want to ban a familiar Southern word I agree, I believe “Ya’ll” is very offensive it implies everyone is…you know ya’ll, not ya’individual.

There is no fake headline contest!

Dalai Lama says any female successor would have to be 'attractive' – Successor would be a Dolly Lama.

There is no fake headline contest!

Scots have 421 words for snow – And no one can understand a single one of them. “Ay n be ser n besnerden der fremdo eh laddie?”

 There is no fake headline contest!


Competitive eaters devour goat to break Chicago Cubs 'curse' – Well, that and some hitting and good pitching ought to do the trick.

There is no fake headline contest!


Come back next week for more


STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

where There is no fake headline contest!

Friday, September 25, 2015

TICK TOCK I’M JUST A CLOCK


TICK TOCK I’M JUST A CLOCK

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with limited knowledge of all the facts.  Opposing views will be tolerated, but please, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid head!

A grade school kid shaped a piece of bread like a gun and was suspended…zero tolerance.

A first grader pointed his finger like a gun and was suspended…zero tolerance.

A kindergartener kissed a little girl on the cheek and was suspended…zero tolerance.

Students are suspended for wearing a shirt with a gun, having a religious symbol, or bringing a pen knife to class…zero tolerance.

No questions asked, you know the rules…zero tolerance.

A kid named Ahmed Mohamed brings a “clock” in a case with wires and plugs and circuits that looks way more like a bomb than any piece of bread has ever looked like a gun and the country is outraged when he is suspended.   Apparently zero tolerance is suspended if it might offend someone named Ahmed Mohamed.

This kid seems very nice.  He has not caused any problems that have been reported, but then every time some nut job comes out of left field and starts killing people all you hear from his neighbors and friends is, “I would not have expected something like this in a million years, he was such a nice, quiet kid.”

Now let’s just suppose the teacher said, “Hey, he says it’s a clock, it’s probably a clock,” and the friggin clock turns out to be a bomb and a whole bunch of kids are hurt.  I’ll bet that teacher would be in hot water.
Real suitcase bomb


Personally I think the school overacted to this bomb looking clock.  They could have called in an expert to confirm the device was not a bomb.  When it was determined it was safe they then could have advised Ahmed that it was improper in this day and age to bring to school something that looks like a bomb.  There are many reasons it is a bad idea to bring a bomb looking device to school and there are many reasons a school has a zero tolerance rule.

I think zero tolerance should have warnings, and provide for a modicum of common sense.  A kid should get a warning about shaping bread into a gun, pointing his finger or kissing a cheek, and if a kid innocently brings a clock to school that looks like a bomb he should get no more than a slap on the wrist.

I also have to ask, “Who told him to bring a clock to school?  Was it part of a project?  Did he tell anyone he what he was bringing in to school?”  I don’t think so, not from any reports I read.  I also get the feeling from what I read that Ahmed had a bit of attitude when questioned.  He just said it is a clock and was a bit annoyed that he wasn’t automatically believed.

So a kid chews a piece of bread into the shape of a gun and is suspended and people think it was ridiculous, but no one raised any money for him or offered him a job, or gave him an invitation to meet the President.

A kid walks into school with a clock which, and I have seen the pictures,  God Dammit it looks like a friggin bomb, and not like any clock I’ve ever seen and there is thousands of dollars raised for him, a Facebook executive offers him a job, and the President asks him to come to the White House.
Ahmed's clock
And by the way, in what universe is it a great scientific achievement to builds a clock that is as big as the suitcase it came in?  Have you seen a wrist watch?  They are pretty small.  Do you know that most cell phones also tell time?  Why are people all gaga over a kid that has built a clock that needs a handle to be carried? Why is he being treated so special?

I’ll bet if his name was Bob Peterson the school’s reaction would have been no different, and it wouldn’t have been a story.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

NO! I’ll get it!


NO! I’ll get it!

(House Stuff Women Don’t Want Men to do)

The following is a generalization based on my experience with three wives.  Past results do not guarantee future expectations.  Your household performance may differ.

The house in which I grew up had clear lines of responsibility.  Dad went to work and brought home money to pay for everything.  Mom did the laundry, cleaned the house, prepared all the meals, made sure everyone got to school and work prepared and on time.  Dad did the yard work, except weed pulling; mom pulled weeds (or assigned them to me or my brothers if we made the mistake of being “bored.”) The kids set the table, cleared the table and every once in a while washed the dishes.

The responsibilities in today’s households are more blurred.  Husband and wife both bring home the bacon.  Yard work is generally left for the man. Women do the majority of any child care, and household chores are shared.  Well except for those things that women are unwilling to allow a man to do.

Man is allowed, even encouraged to prepare meals.  Man is allowed to do general clean up, sweep, polish, and put stuff away.  He might not do these things without being told, but he is allowed to do them.  Man is expected to take out the garbage.  Woman will not do anything that is garbage related.  Man changes light bulbs, hangs pictures and kills bugs.

Then there are those chores that man could do, but women will not allow it.  

Man must not load or unload the dishwasher.  Apparently man cannot figure out what is allowed to go in the dishwasher, and man cannot properly load a dishwasher. Man does not know where clean dishes are stored.

Man could vacuum, but he is not allowed.  The carpets will be clean, but they will not have proper lines.  Man does not leave lines when vacuuming and without the lines there is no way of knowing that the carpets have been vacuumed.  When a woman vacuums, the carpet looks like the field at Yankee Stadium.

Man cannot do laundry.  He will overload the machine; he will not separate colors from whites and does not know which setting to use on the drier.  Man will clean the drier lint.  Apparently to women that is a garbage related task.  A man can never fold laundry to a woman’s standard.

A man cannot iron clothes.  Actually no one irons clothes anymore.

Man cannot water the plants.  He will always either over or under water any indoor plant.

A man can never make the bed properly.

Man should not bother cleaning a mirror; it will only be done over by his wife.  Apparently only women can see streaks.

Man is expected to be the furniture mover, but the arranging is always at the woman’s direction.  

If a man attempts these chores he will be yelled at, “NO! I’ll get it!”

If a man does any of these chores when a woman is not looking, she will know and she will do them over.

Man should not do any of these “NO! I’ll get it!”chores. 

However a smart man knows every once in a while to break the rules and cross the line.  The chore will of course not be done to the woman’s standard and will be done over, but for some reason this pleases the wife.  She will feign anger, but secretly she is pleased that there are some things that only she can do correctly.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

THE WAY THINGS ARE VI


THE WAY THINGS ARE VI
Murphy's Law

In the continuing series of Murphy’s Law corollaries:

Months ago I posted ten corollaries to Murphy’s Law.  

As I expected, many of my readers had some suggestions that had not crossed my mind.  

I posted a second list http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-way-things-are-ii_14.html



And TWTA V http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-way-things-are-v.html

The suggestions still come in, so here is TWTA VI:

You can follow a car with a flashing signal for 10 miles, but he will not change lanes until you finally decide to pass him.

Your wife will always ask you “When are you going to…?” two seconds before you are about to do it.

If you forget your wallet when driving to the corner store, you will be stopped for a faulty tail light.

Those Saturday morning religious proselytizers only ring the door bell when you are downstairs in your underwear and you are expecting a package.

AND FROM THE READERS:

How about when an appliance stops working or the car won't start and they magically start operating flawlessly while the technician or mechanic is checking them out. (Until he leaves, of course.)

Once had the power go out on Thanksgiving day when turkeys were in the ovens. The whole state was angry.  (That happened at my Mom’s once.  A squirrel chewed on the line Thanksgiving morning!)

"The floor is always perfectly level...except under the table leg."

Pixel Peeper
"You never, ever finish the shampoo and conditioner at the same time."

Val
When you think you have satisfied your husband's hoarder instincts by hauling home 45-year-old junk from your mother's estate...you find out he has stopped along the road and picked up two old chairs and a washtub.

betty
You plan an event for outside because the weatherman says 0% chance of rain and it starts to rain the minute your event starts.

And finally, from an actual Murphy:

My maiden name is Murphy. I've had "Murphy's Law" - type luck my entire life. I thought once I got married and changed my last name that things would get better, but nope. Once a Murphy, always a Murphy.

Monday, September 21, 2015

I Think I’ll Skip Dubai


I Think I’ll Skip Dubai




 Dubai is often talked about as the place to vacation in the Middle East.  It has modern buildings and hotels, relatively low crime rate, a welcoming populace, entertainment and a relaxed atmosphere…compared to Tehran.

I see photos of golf courses and swimming pools, beaches and smiling faces that make Dubai look like a fun vacation destination.  Then I just read a piece on 12 things not to do in Dubai.

This article starts with a brief description of why Dubai is such a great place to visit, and then adds as a caveat a few things to avoid as a tourist.

1.    Do not do drugs.  This sounds easy enough except apparently what you may not think is a drug, they may disagree in Dubai…so you might want to skip the Claritin, it is better to just sniffle and sneeze.

2.    Don’t drink in public.  You can imbibe in certain hotels if you obtain licensed permission, but do not take a drink in public, and do not leave the hotel if you are intoxicated…like people who are intoxicated would remember this little tip.

3.    Watch what you wear, or don’t wear.  Do not go topless; even dudes must wear a shirt on the streets. 

4.    Do not smoke, eat, or drink anything in public during Ramadan,  which I believe is from sunup to sundown in any month with an “R.”

5.    If you smoked marijuana in the last several weeks, stay out of Dubai, you will fail a drug test and face incarceration.

6.    Do not cheat in golf.  Failure to charge yourself a stroke for grounding your club in a hazard is disrespectful and subject to floggings.

7.    The left hand is considered dirty.  If you are left handed, you need to learn to learn to use your right hand in public.

8.    No public displays of affection.  This does not just mean sex or heavy petting, a peck on the cheek or holding hands can land you in trouble.

9.    If you are gay, this is frowned upon in Dubai.  You might want to learn to be straight before booking a visit.  Perhaps talk to a few left-handed people for hints in learning to make simple changes.

10.                       Watch your wallet, crime is relatively low, but I’m not sure what it is relative to.

11.                       Do not take picture of locals without permission, particularly the local women.

12.                       Do not urinate.  Urination is considered unclean in Dubai, hold it in, and plan only short stays.

I like vacationing where the climate is warm, and the atmosphere relaxing.  I hear the climate in Dubai is lovely, but I think I might have difficulty relaxing.  On the plus side, I hear their jails are the most modern in the mid-east and the floggings are relatively mild.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

YOU’RE GROUNDED! - a cranky re-run

YOU’RE GROUNDED!

This cranky re-run is from September 2013

Warning!! The following parental advice comes from a cranky old man with no accredited expertise in child rearing whatsoever.  He has been at least partially responsible for bringing three human beings into the world as productive citizens who have never been arrested for a crime or been targeted as major drug abusers*.  He is currently working on a fourth and hoping for similar results.  
How do you punish your children in today’s world where any form of physical abuse can be reported and you may lose your child to social services?  You can’t verbally abuse them either.  Many children know all this and even threaten to report and or sue parents that do not follow acceptable parenting practices.

You can withhold their allowance.  Somehow kids manage to still get what they need.  You can take away TV privileges. That means you also have to take away their phone, i-pad, i-pod, and PC.  

These punishments just don’t work.  Without these electronic toys, they will drive you crazy and they won’t be able to do their school work. 

You can ground your child. 

Grounding is the most useless punishment of all.  Essentially it is an extended “time-out” which is often successful with toddlers.

Grounding to a teen is a joke.  A teens first reaction to almost anything is to rebel.  Grounding is giving them something extra to rebel against.  
A grounded teen will either sit out his punishment with all his fancy electronics and do their time as easy as standing on their heads;

Or

They will pester you with constant questions and whining and the “grounding” will be more torture for the parents than the teen.

TV shows always make grounding look like an effective disciplinary tool.  When a TV teen acts up the TV dad always just calmly says,

“That is it young lady, you’re grounded…one week.” 

“THAT’s not fair daddy!”

“Not fair? Make it two weeks!”

“BUT…”

“Wanna try for four weeks?”

“No daddy.”

I guarantee these scenes are written by idealistic young people who are not yet parents themselves.  I wonder how many young real parents fall for this great TV fantasy scenario.

In real life, after the “Not fair? Make it two weeks” decree, the teen’s response is,

“You might as well make it ten years, my life is over, I wish I was never born!” 

This is followed by slammed doors, broken stuff, hysterical crying, and ultimately results in participating in a Dr. Phil segment where the parents are forced to read “Life Code,” Dr. Phil’s latest best seller which is published by his son (Dr. Phil works that into every show he does.)

What is the answer to disciplining a teen?

It starts the day you bring your child home from the hospital. Parents have to be in control, have to be the leaders of their pack, and have to have the child’s absolute respect.  Parents have to be firm but fair from day one.  They have to be calm assertive and the child needs to be calm submissive.  (See Cesar Millan “The Dog Whisperer.”)

When this relationship is established, discipline is simply a matter of showing disappointment.

My dad never raised his voice (hardly ever.)  If any of his children were caught misbehaving he would get a look in his eye and his body language would scream DISSAPOINTMENT. When dad was disappointed and even HURT by our behavior it was a punishment worse than any yelling, beating, or grounding could ever be. 

After the look of hurt, came the explanation of the why, and the “don’t let me hear of this again.”

That was it!

You want to discipline your teen, start before he can walk. Be a leader; be calm, be fair, be firm, and be consistent. When you make a mistake, admit it.  When they are teens, they will fear your disappointment more than any punishment. 

And you don’t have to be perfect, you just need to try.

Or, you can ground them…good luck!

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management...Mrs. Cranky.