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Monday, June 30, 2014

MORE ORIGINS OF SAYINGS - A cranky re-run

MORE ORIGINS OF SAYINGS
This cranky re-run is from December 2011

Do you ever wonder where the many common sayings we use everyday come from?  What are the origins of expressions we hear all the time?  You may be surprised.  Here are more of Cranky’s “ORIGINS OF SAYINGS.”

“Hit the sack”
Meaning – Go to bed

Origin – Old beds were basically just large sacks filled with anything soft, hence going to bed was referred to as hitting the sack.

“Don’t yank my crank”
Meaning – Don’t try and fool me.

Origin – Fisherman knew they had a fish on when their crank moved.  As a goof it was common for another fisherman to pull on the line which moved the crank and made the fisherman think he had a fish.  Fisherman used the expression anytime someone tried to fool them, “Hey, Don’t yank my crank.”

“Buy the farm”
Meaning – Die

Origin – Farmers were notorious for having a large mortgage on their property.  When a farmer died and he had life insurance the neighbors would remark, “At least the insurance will pay off the mortgage.  Hence – He bought the farm!

“Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face”

Meaning – don’t cause needless self-destructive in an over-reaction to a problem.

Origin – DUH!  Cutting off your nose?  This is a really a bad idea, kinda like a ballplayer getting angry at striking out and breaking his foot kicking a water-cooler.

“There is more than one way to skin a cat”
Meaning – There is more than one way to get a job done.

Origin – This was obviously first said by someone who was not a cat skinner as it turns out there is actually only one way to skin a cat.

“Put up your dukes”
Meaning – Prepare to fight

Origin- In mid-evil times, when two countries were going to fight, rather than risk entire armies, the Kings would often pick their best Dukes to engage in a sword fight to determine the triumphant country.  Thus the term: PUT UP YOUR DUKES (also sometimes DUKE IT OUT).

“The bee’s knees”
Meaning – The best part

Origin – Hundreds of years ago, people were so poor that sometimes the only food they had was insects.  The tastiest insects were BEES.  The best part of the bees was the knees.  Hence the best of anything became called THE BEES KNEES.


“Use your noodle”

Meaning – Think, be smart; use your head.

Origin – In some cultures, pasta is the main course and served from the head of the table.  Pasta or the noodle became synonymous with the head.  Thus to be smart you use your head, or use your noodle.  (Also see “She gives really good noodle!)

 “The cat’s pajamas”
Meaning – Someone that is really special

Origin – In the twenties, pajamas were only for the wealthy or special people.  For a cat to have pajamas was really special.  Thus a really special person was called the cat’s pajamas. (The dog’s dungarees never caught on.)

“I’m going to cut off your head and shit down your neck”
Meaning – A really bad person intends to cut off your head and shit down your neck.

Origin – In some parts of the country if you don’t pay off your gambling debts the bookie will cut off your head and shit down your neck.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

STUPID HEADLINES 062914


STUPID HEADLINES 062914

It is time once again for


If at first you don't succeed...
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-do.  'None of the above' may be a correct answer.

____________________

 

Actress gets licked by Richard Simmons – Another reason to not sweat with the oldies.

Malaysia court rules that non-Muslims can't say AllahCher arrested after singing “All ah really want to do is baby be friends with you.”

Man sues British Airways after mistake sends him to Grenada instead of Granada – Kinda just a Tomato/ Tomoto thing isn’t it?

GPS bullets are latest weapon for police - Everyone is a marksman when you have GPS bullets.

Man walks into McDonald’s with knife sticking out of his backWait, wait, I know this one… “Not literally you idiot!” or was it “I was talking to the duck.” It’s one of those.

Hillary Clinton: 'You have to be a little bit crazy to run for president' – I knew there was an age thing, and a naturalized citizen thing, but I missed the Loony Tunes requirement.  Can’t say I disagree however.
Westminster Kennel Club accepts new breed, a Cocker Spaniel Poodle mix No way, this is too easy… when you clean up after this breed you scoop up Cocker-Poodle doo.

2 men throw out $1M ticket, sue New Jersey Lottery – Ah yeah, I’m pretty sure I threw away my winning ticket too and it was New Jersey’s fault because…I don’t know but I should be able to sue someone!

Hillary Clinton wants Anthony Weiner to keep quiet – Or at the very least, stop sexting her!

Tiger leaps onto boat, snatches man in swamp – This is no way to prepare for a golf tournament.

Hilarious road signs keep drivers in Alaska distracted –  They have spotty cell service, so they have to distract drivers somehow.

Trump tower in Chicago floods after sprinkler test – And someone will be fired.

_____________________________

Last week’s fake was:

Tiger Woods shoots hole-in-one during practice roundRight in the clown’s mouth…FREE GAME!!


I'm going with the Tiger Woods one. I loved your clown comment.

Again Sandee!  This is getting boring.

Follow Sandee @ http://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ for surprise…great comedy!


There's gotta be some kind of cheap shot about hole-in-one and Tiger's Wood...so I might as well take it.

Check out Skip’s blog, with a name like Uncle Skip you know it’s gotta be good. @ http://lionskip.blogspot.com/

 

Stop by and congratulate the winners, and come back next week for more:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

SEND OUR MARINE HOME


SEND OUR MARINE HOME
It is once again time for
Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with absolutely no knowledge about the subject opined.  Opposing views are welcome.  They are welcome but will be ignored; and please, no name calling.  That means you, you big stupid head!

There has been a lot of discussion the last several weeks about the release of five senior Taliban leaders to secure the release of Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. 

Did the swap endanger future US soldiers or civilians as the Taliban look for more deals? 

Was five high profile enemy combatants giving up too much for a soldier?  That’s a tough one; it’s not too much if it’s my loved one. 

Was Bowe Bergdahl AWOL? Was he a traitor?

Evidence so far would indicate that at a minimum Sgt. Bergdahl was unstable.   That leads one to wonder was he unstable before he joined the Army and shouldn’t tests have shown that?  Was he unstable after shipping out to Afghanistan and should that have been detected and acted on?  I’m not sure any of these questions are able to be answered at this time. 

One objection I do have with this whole situation is Sgt. Bergdahl’s father meeting with President Obama at the White House. 

Why did he show up in a full Taliban type beard?  Yes, he is entitled to wear a full beard.  Hell, my son has a full beard.  I just wonder, what was he thinking.  As a simple public relations concern, I would have shaved that beard off.  The President of the United States just put his neck out to return his son; I think out of respect he would have realized that the full beard in this instance sent out a bad message, and was just a dumb idea .
"Dude...seriously?"
 

But enough of the Bergdahl issue, what really burns my buns is the Marine who made a wrong turn into Mexico with legally registered (in the US) guns, and the Mexican authorities would not let him turn around.  He has been in jail for several months and accounts say he has not been treated well.

Why can’t we bring him back?  Maybe the Administration is working diplomatically behind the scenes on his release …I hope so, but I do wonder. 

Why doesn’t the President send a message to the President of Mexico?  Why doesn’t he ask as a personal favor and for the good of friendly relations between our neighboring countries that Mexico release Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi?

President Obama might gently suggest that failure to release Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi would make him very unhappy.  It might negatively influence how we deal with the issue of illegal Mexican immigration to the US.  Maybe he would be forced to send illegal immigrants back to Mexico in numbers that the Mexican economy might find difficult to absorb.  Maybe he might suggest that he could take several actions which would make tourism from the US to Mexico very unappealing.  Maybe he also just might suggest that if our Marine is not released he might just send in troops, planes, tanks and special service operatives and kick some Mexican ass!

Why are we so easily pushed around?  Andrew Tahmooressi risked his life, sacrificed several of his best years fighting in Afghanistan for his country, how about we fight for him.  How about we send a message that says, “We asked you nicely, now God Dammit give us our Marine back or we are going to get pissed off and you Mr. President of Mexico will be very sorry.”

No need to publicize any threats, but these possibilities should be addressed diplomatically.  Does Mexico really have anything to gain by holding our Marine other than to strut their stuff and thumb their nose at the USA?  Is that worth facing economic sanctions or ultimately military force? 

I hope we are reaching out diplomatically and requesting Mexico to release our Marine as a gesture of good will and in return we will offer genuine thanks. 

Don’t release him soon, and we should kick their ass. 

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Friday, June 27, 2014

CELEBRITY CRUSHES


CELEBRITY CRUSHES

 A few weeks ago Mrs. C and I were having dinner out with an old fraternity friend, Captain Don* and his wife.  Somehow or other the conversation turned to old school boy crushes.  Captain Don and I both agreed on our very first celebrity crush.

Annette!

What pre-adolescent who watched the original Mickey Mouse Club on TV every afternoon after school did not have a crush on Annette?  She had that great Annette smile, the lovely dark hair and thick eyebrows.  She had beautiful eyes, even in black and white; she was perky, cute, and wholesome. 

Oh yeah, she was the only Mouseketeer with breasts.

Next in line and also agreed on was Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island.”  Actually Captain Don was a Ginger man, but Mary Ann was still in the running.  This was a common issue for young lads at the time of this TV sit-com. 

The question was asked without an interrogative.

“Ginger or Mary Ann?”

Captain Don went for the movie star, but there really was not much of an argument on this, it was just a matter of individual preference.

My next crush admission was met with some incredulity.

Shari Lewis.

Ok, I admit it, in the day I had a thing for a lady who talked to a sock.  The sock was Lambchop.  At least my crush was not on the puppet.  I stand by my young crush, Shari Lewis was cute.

Next up on the crush parade was a pixie cut cutie:
 Sandy Duncan.
 
Not as strange as the puppeteer, but not one apparently shared by most of my peers.  What can I say; I was into cute and perky.

Captain Don and I both agreed on the college years crush.

Goldie Hawn.

Oh that Goldie, every college kids dream; cute, perky, blonde and stupid.  Well we thought she was stupid.  Her characters were usually stupid. 

We ended the crush conversation at Goldie.  Captain Don met his wife after Goldie.  Crushes after marriage are in the vault.  No need to start any trouble.  Besides I already posted on my after marriage crush http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2014/05/celebrity-free-pass.html .

Patricia Richardson (“Tool Time” wife.)
 

At least she doesn’t talk to a sock puppet.

*Known to some as Squeak, Captain Don is an amateur pilot and when I fly with him it is Captain Don, not Squeak.  Since I know Squeak is not his favorite moniker, I now stick with Captain Don.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

REMOTELY IN THE DARK


REMOTELY IN THE DARK

Mrs. C and I spend a lot of time in bed. 

Oh please, get real, I’m an old man.  We haven’t done that since last Tuesday.

We spend a lot of time in bed watching TV.  I love TV.  I love all the shows.  We have “On Demand” so we never miss any shows.  We have movies and shows on DVD.  We even still have a VCR player for some old stuff.  We have pay per view movies.  All of this is in high def., blue ray, stereo sound, and in glorious living color.  We watch with computers on our laps, cell phones at the ready and occasionally a good book on a nook.  This day and age, I think most people have all this great technology.  I love it, but of course there is one thing that makes me cranky.

Why won’t my remote control light up at night?

When the lights go out, I cannot read the numbers or controls on the remote.  This occasionally starts an argument in the Cranky home.

“Would you put on “Housewives of New Jersey?”

“What channel?”

“44”

“Shit!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t find the right channel button.  I hit 77.”

“Just find the five, it has the little bump, then work from there.”

“There is no friggin bump.”

“Yes there is.  Damn, if you were blind you couldn’t find the knob on a door.”

“There is no flipping bump on any button.  Here, you find 44.”

“There…44…right next to the button with the bump.”

“How did you do that?”

“Just feel for the bump!”

“I feel no bump.  Whose idea is it to put a tiny bump on the 5 that only a trained braille reader can find?  It’s the 21st Century for Christmas sake; can’t they have a button that lights up all the remote buttons?”

“Where should they put the button that lights up the remote?”

“Anywhere!  What is the difference?”

“How would you find it in the dark?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe they could put a bump on it!”

“You’re a jerk!”

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

THE 7-11 CLOSES AT 5


THE 7-11 CLOSES AT 5
I don’t know why I choose to post about my mom today; does it have to be Mother’s Day?  It just seemed like there was stuff about my mom that I needed to post.
My mom was a pip.
She was born in the 19teens.  She lost her mother at a young age, lost her father at a young age and lost a younger sister at a young age.  She was tough, stoic and philosophical.  She was 105 pounds after dinner.
At a young age mom had scoliosis.  Her spine had a slight curvature.  At that time there was no operation, no braces, or no rod implants to stabilize this condition.  The doctor just told her to strengthen her back muscles.  He told her to swim.  Mom swam a lot.  She was a very good swimmer, not competitive, but she was a good swimmer.   Her spine curvature was held at bay up until she hit her high eighties. 
People complain about the high costs of health care today.  There is the difference.  The same scoliosis condition today is treated with operations, and therapy with what I understand are very successful results; expensive, but effective.  Mom was told to swim; inexpensive, and with very iffy results.  Mom was lucky, but then she did swim a lot!
Mom was an athlete, though we never knew it until she surprised us with her ability.  She challenged my braggart brother to a race when he was 12.  We thought that was crazy.  My oldest brother was a very fast runner.
Mom was faster. It was a fifty yard dash and it wasn’t even close. 
When we moved to Long Island in the fifties, my brother came home with a Lacrosse stick.  This was a game unheard of at the time except for in Long Island, NY and Baltimore, Md.  “Let me try that,” mom said.
“It’s pretty hard to catch and throw” Jim said.  “I can barely do it.”
“Let me try.”
Mom cradled that ball, caught and passed it like a pro as we watched slack jawed.
“I grew up in Baltimore for Christmas sake!”
Mom exercised everyday almost up to the end.  One day she was demonstrating her leg lifts in front of the entire family.  An old lady in her eighty’s she was doing pretty well until there was some gas passing.  We tried not to laugh as we watched.  Mom was non-plussed.
“That is not part of the regular routine.”
I grew up hearing various mom sayings,
“Good better best never let it rest, until your good is better, and your better best.”  That was from her third grade teacher.

"Well then, FIRE the cook!" That was when anyone complained about dinner.
“Hells Bells!” That was when she was upset.
“Dammit to Hell!”  That was when we ran and hid.
“Oh, just ignore him then.”  Standard advice.
“Life’s too short.”  Advice when standard advice was ignored.
Mom loved birds and animals; I guess there were not too many creatures in Baltimore when she was growing up.  Watching a nature show on TV one night she walked up to the screen and smacked the image of a lion taking down a gazelle.  “Stop it!” she yelled.  She was older and getting a little funny, but I don’t think that reaction was age setting in.
I think the thing I liked best about mom was her Gracie Allen mind.  She would just say funny things without knowing they were funny.  My favorite:
“Mom, I’m going into town to pick up some hotdog rolls.”
“Well you’d better leave now, the 7-11* closes at 5.”
I miss my mom.


*The store did close at 5, but it was not a 7-11 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

THE ONE WORD WIFE


THE ONE WORD WIFE

Mrs. Cranky has this thing, a one word thing.  Sometimes she will just turn to me and say, “Hungry.”  She claims she is saying “I’m hungry” and that she just mumbles the “I’m.”  I disagree; I call her the one word wife.

Late at night, right before turning out the light and the TV I hear, “Tired.”

In the winter with the window opened just a crack for fresh air,

“Cold.”

I ask her if she wants anything for breakfast in the morning,

“Juice.” 

“Waffle.”

Step-crank Casey is with us at the Jersey shore for a week.  I mentioned her mom’s penchant for one word communication.

“You’re right she does that all the time.”

So now the two of us are having a little fun at Mrs. Cranky’s expense.

“Casey, do you want to go out for dinner?”

“Hungry.” (Remember how Frankenstein talked?  That is the one word thing.)

“What do you want?”

“Pizza.”

“When do you want to go?”

“Now”

“Eat!”

We have been doing this to Mrs. C for a day now.  I think we will tire before the week is up.  Maybe not.

“Maybe!”

“Jerks!”

Monday, June 23, 2014

IDENTITY THEFT - a cranky re-run

IDENTITY THEFT

This re-run from June 2012 received almost no visits. 
The three people who commented seemed to really like it,
So I'm giving it a second chance.  Hey, that's what re-runs are for.


Identity theft is a common problem in today’s digital age.  Once someone steals your identity he can drain your bank or brokerage account and take out credit cards with your name and your credit rating and use them to the max.  Getting out from under identity fraud is a long, arduous and expensive task.  You may never get your credit rating back.  Experts constantly warn that the most important advice to avoiding identity theft is to never give  your Name, SS #, or birth date to a stranger, except:


To your Doctor’s receptionist – assuming you want to see the doctor.


Your Investment advisor’s secretary or your bank’s manager – Assuming you want to make an investment or open a checking account.


Your motor vehicle clerk – assuming you want a driver’s license or need to register your car.


Your insurance agent or representative – assuming you want health, car or life insurance.


Any store that you are applying to for credit – assuming you want to buy stuff.


Hardly a day goes by where some legitimate entity doesn’t demand to know my name, birth date, and social security number.


But then what is to worry about?  Why would a doctor’s receptionist want to take my information and sell it to someone looking to steal my identity?  Don’t doctor’s receptionists get paid huge salaries?  Why would they need extra money from selling my information?   Drugs?  How would a doctor’s receptionist get access to drugs?  No worries Ms. Snediker, you seem like a nice person do you need my bank account too?


Why shouldn’t I trust any secretary, clerk, doctor or lawyer?  These people never have money problems, divorce, gambling or drinking issues.  They could have no incentive to sell my sensitive information could they?  Here take all my information…no problem!


Years ago, I volunteered to be a little league manager or coach.  I was told they would need my social security number.  “Why?”  I was told so they could run a security check on me, but not to worry, no information would be given to anyone but the Little League national organization.  It was all perfectly safe.


Two years later the same person who assured me the information was safe, the President of the local league, was arrested for stealing from his neighbors because his business went bankrupt, he couldn’t pay his mortgage and didn’t want his wife to find out.  Fortunately my personal information which could have been used to steal my identity was untouched.


What the Hell am I worried about?


My name is Cranky Oldman.  I was born September 31, 1946. My social security number is 555-fuc-kyou.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

STUPID HEADLINES 062214


STUPID HEADLINES 062214

It is time once again for


Who knew?
 


STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 
One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-do.  'None of the above' may be a correct answer.

____________________

IRS says it cannot locate Lois Lerner emails prior to 2011 – This is a job for SUPERMAN!

Tree falls on million-dollar Toyota – No one was there to hear it, so did the owner really cry.

'Super bananas' may save millions of lives in Africa – “Look, up in the tree, it’s a bird, it’s a plane…”

Terry Richardson: I never had sex with Lindsay LohanAnd I thought it was just me.

NYC Spider-Man convicted of harassment – “Dude, clean up your web!”

One-ton shark headed to Texas coast – Nothing unusual about this except it was spotted in Kansas.

Million dollar Rhode Island mansion built on Public Park must go – I was always taught “Measure twice, dig foundation once.” Right Scott?

College student brags he makes $300 an hour as a male escort – He was actually given subway fare, but pro-rated it comes to $300 an hour.

Tiger Woods shoots hole-in-one during practice roundRight in the clown’s mouth…FREE GAME!!

CIA planned to make demon toy of bin Laden – Osama Bin-baalzebub Laden by Marx!  Batteries not included.

Pitcher Brad Mills Traded from Brewers to A's for Reported $1 – Do you want fries with that pitcher?

Goldman Sachs Trader sues over skimpy $8.25 million bonusTrader earned 7 billion for the firm by shorting risky derivatives products against firm’s own clients, the same products which sent the world into a massive recession, wants more money.  My advice to GS Trader?  STFU!!

_________________________

Last week’s fake was:

Mom arrested for meth lab after four year old dials 911 – “Mommy’s making a mess?...Oh meth!  We’ll be right over.”

And the winners are:

Sandee
I'm going for the mom arrested for meth lab after four year old dials 911.

Sandee winning is getting to be a habit, but still not passing the legendary Fishducky (Hope you are feeling better FD.)

Follow Sandee @ http://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ for surprise…great comedy!

BLissed-Out Grandma
I'm guessing the mommy meth lab, too. But if I saw such a headline, would I even be surprised?

You don’t need to be a Grandparent to enjoy Blissed-Out Grandma @ http://blissedoutgrandma.blogspot.com/

 

Visit and congratulate all the winners, and come back next week for more:

 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!