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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A NEW YEARS FOOTBALL RANT


A NEW YEARS FOOTBALL RANT
 
What better day for a football rant then New Year’s Eve.  What is Cranky ranting about?  Too much football?  Too many bowl games?

Hell no, there is no such thing as too much football.

This rant is about the TV football color analysts.

Dudes…your job is to explain the game, explain each play, analyze situations, and add color and understanding for the vast audience with low testosterone. 

What do you do instead?

You use stupid confusing terminology that your audience which already knows what is happening can interpret, but confuses the audience for which you were hired to explain the game.

Por exemplum (I was forced to take Latin in high school and I will use it…dammit!) and as a public service: here is some common “Analyst” terminology, what it sounds like, and what it actually means.

 

“He needs to use his legs to move the sticks.”  FRIGGIN WHAT?

The quarterback should run more often to get a first down.  “The sticks” are the markers that represent the yard marker for a first down.

“He’s gotta make that catch!” Is it a penalty if he drops it?

It was a catchable ball and if they don’t make the easy catches it will be hard to win.  You are allowed to drop the ball without a penalty.

“They need to run the ball north and south.”  What, do they need a compass?

It means run the ball straight up the middle of the field…yes, some fields do run east west…

“This guy is a great down-hill runner.” Which way is down-hill; north or south?

It means he runs hard and with a lot of momentum…no it is not you, it is a stupid expression.  Oh, also runs north…north is forward, south is backward…I KNOW!

“The name of this game is 'hit'!” Why do you always call it football?

It is called football.  “The name of the game is (insert anything here)” is a stupid expression for hitting is important.  Sometimes the name of the game is block, or tackle, or control the clock…Once again…I KNOW!

“This guy is going to be great at the next level.” So, he doesn’t run down-hill?

Next level means the pro’s…He is good enough to play pro-football.

“If you give him too much time he is going to pick you apart.”  Pick you apart? Isn’t that unnecessary roughness?

He will have time to find open pass receivers and will gain ground with easy completions…yes North completions.

“You can’t just stand around.  You have to put a hat on somebody!” Hat? Like hat trick? Is this hockey or is it football…or 'hit'?

Put a hat on someone means to block someone…yes…I KNOW!

“We will be seeing him a lot on Sundays.” What? He goes to church?

They play pro-football on Sundays, so this player will make it to the next level.  Are you getting the hang of it yet?…no, hang time means kicking the ball real high…I KNOW!

“Here comes the hands team.” Don’t they all have hands?

No, some teams don’t have hands.

“I’d keep it on the ground here.”  Didn’t you say a fumble was bad?

That means he thinks they should run the ball not pass it…I KNOW!

“He needs to air it out.” Does the ball smell?

That means he thinks they should pass the ball.

“That one needed to have some extra air.”  Why don’t they pump all the balls up the same?

It means throw the ball higher…hang time is for a kick, more air is for a pass…I KNOW!

“That is two three and outs in a row.” I thought strike outs were in baseball.

You get four downs to move the ball ten yards.  If you move it ten yards you get a new set of four downs.  If you don’t get a first down after three tries…you know what, never mind, strike outs are in baseball not football.

“They’re lining up in the pistol.” WHAT?

It is kind of like the shot-gun but not quite a wildcat formation. It means the backfield takes a direct snap, but from only a few yards and it is the regular quarterback and not the wildcat player who…ah hell, I don’t know either, I don’t think anyone does.

Just turn to the discovery channel, there is a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon all New Year’s Day!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Monday, December 30, 2013

PERVDAR - a cranky re-run

PERVDAR
This is an oldie from December 2011
Enjoy your New Year's celebration ladies, but don't drown out your PERVDAR

I recently read a very entertaining blog from “Mommy Bags” http://mommybags.blogspot.com/2011/12/wtf-fridaywoot-woot.html where MB mentioned she knew a reality show contestant was a pervert well before he was accused and convicted of dealing in child pornography.  It is not the first time I have been aware of this extra sense that women seem to possess; PERVDAR!
Years ago, when I was a supervisor of about 20 clerical workers, there was a guy whom I’ll call Ralph.  The unit I supervised required people to pair off in order to perform their function.  There were three women to every man in this unit.  None of the women wanted to work side by side with Ralph.

Ralph seemed like a nice guy to me.  He was clean cut, reasonably good looking; he liked sports, was polite and had a good sense of humor.

“He’s just weird, I can’t explain it.” Is the response I would get when I enquired why women would not work with Ralph. 

“I can’t tell you, you’d have to be a woman” was another common response.

I always paired Ralph off with another man, and there was never an incident.  Ralph was not the best worker, but he was adequate, and he came to work on time.  He was laid off one year when the company was not making enough money to make the stockholders happy.

Several years after Ralph left the company, I was riding a crowded NYC subway.  I was seated and nodding off when a woman woke me with a loud rant:

“You touch my ass one more time and I’m going to cut off your Mother-Fu*king dick!”  (You don’t want to mess with NYC women.)  

“Wha what?  I didn’t do nothing!”

“Listen dickwad, every time the train shifts you rub against my ass.  One more time and I will knee you so hard you’ll be talking through your balls!”

“I didn’t do nothing!”

I felt a little sorry for this dude.  It is sometimes difficult to avoid bumping into people on a crowded subway.  Then I looked up at the culprit.  It was Ralph!  Apparently it was not just difficult for Ralph to avoid contact it was also very hard!

I don’t know what the ladies saw, they never could really tell me, but from that point on I totally believed in women’s PERVDAR!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 122913


STUPID HEADLINES 122913

It is time once again for:
There must be a better choice of words
 
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 
One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

 

___________________________

 
Charlie Sheen rips 'Duck Dynasty' patriarch over homosexuality remarksWho better to pass judgment than a cocaine snorting, alcoholic, adulterous, whore monger.

Feds begin killing barred owls to help save spotted owl – Apparently the barred owls are part of the Tea Party.

End of the windshield wiper? – I guess I should sell my stock in “Windshield Wipers R Us.”

Ship with mushy bananas ordered to stay in New Jersey port – Because in New Jersey we believe you can never have enough fruit flies.


How to Give a Tiger a Root Canal – Just hand his ex-wife a two iron.


Montana judge sentences woman's attacker to write 'boys do not hit girls' 5,000 times – See how he likes beating the crap out of women with a cramped fist!


McDonald's employee site advises workers to avoid eating fast food – I think they meant Burger King.


In Santa's bag: booze, drugs and immorality, Turkish Muslim group says And they don’t even mention all the Ho’s.


Study proves left-handed people prefer pepper grinders to shakers – Another study proved that studies studying stupid stuff are stupid.


Oklahoma Zoo Home to America's First Liligers – So if a tiger and a lion mate their offspring is a liger.  A liger and a lion mates they have a liliger.  If a liliger mates with a tiger will it be a tigerlili?


Fracking saves water and prevents droughts, says study – I wonder who paid for this study.


____________________________


Last week’s fake headline was:


Man claims drinking pee is healthy – Dude; you’re in trouble!


Further research finds that many people do in fact believe drinking pee is healthy, so this FAKE headline is really not a fair fake.  Hey,  I was just looking for a stupid play on words  with the “you’re in” thing.  Therefore I must declare three winners:


           Joanne Noragon said...

They true, every one of them. How can you do that to us?

 


           fishducky said...

I checked after seeing Joanne's comment--THEY'RE ALL TRUE!!

Guilty as charged…mea culpa…but not on purpose!

Visit Joanne @ http://cuponthebus.blogspot.com/      for local history, common sense parenting, interesting photos, and other interesting stuff.

Visit Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/    for jokes, cartoons, funny videos and stories.

          Bruce Taylor, a.k.a. Catalyst said...

I think it's the man recommending drinking pee.

Bruce got the fake but really real headline.

Visit Bruce @ http://oddballobservations.blogspot.com/ for funny stuff, interesting stuff, and you guessed it “Oddball Observations.”

 

Please visit and congratulate all our winners!  

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Watch What You Believe


Watch What You Believe
 

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man.  Opposing views are welcome…they are wrong but still welcome and please no name calling; that means you, you big stupid head!

 

I’ve never watched “Duck Dynasty.”  Well I have watched bits and pieces, but I never got into the show.  I like reality TV, but to me this show is way too staged, and these crazy rednecks are crazy like foxes.

“Duck Dynasty” is a show about a family of good old boys who had the business acumen to turn their passion for hunting into a million dollar industry.  The show is a real life “Beverly Hillbillies.” 

The head of the clan, Phil Robertson, has been suspended from the show for answering a reporter’s questions.  Phil Robertson is a religious man who believes the Bible is the strict word of God.  Many people believe this.

When Phil Robertson was asked what he considered sin, he mentioned homosexuality and used the Bible to back up his opinion.

Should anyone be surprised by this answer?  If he answered anything else would you believe him?  His whole persona is that of a straight shooting in your face, here I am, I am what I am kinda guy.

Please don’t boycott me.  I don’t think homosexuality is a sin.  It is a part of nature found in all creatures including Man.  As a heterosexual, I do agree with some of what Phil Robertson said,  "I do not understand how a man’s anus can be more sexually interesting than a vagina."  I don’t think it is a sin, I just do not understand it.  

Would you believe me if I said, “Gee, a man’s anus sounds delightful, but most of the time, for some reason, I prefer vagina.”  

So now the show “Duck Dynasty” will be censured by the A+E network.  It is censured because of a characters belief.  The belief is that a vagina is more sexually interesting than a man’s anus.  What a concept!

What worries me about this case is that it is another instance of a person being shut out for his opinion.  It is becoming all too common.  It is the right of the A+E network to do so, but it is worrisome to me.

Scientists who are skeptical about Global Warming are not called skeptics; they are shamed in their community by the name “Global Warming Denier.”

Express the belief that drilling for oil is desirable, and you are an “anti-environment sellout” and are shunned by intellectuals.

Voice a conservative point of view in school these days, and your grades suffer.

Shouting down, censuring and shunning will not defeat ideas.  Truth and debate is the way to win over your position.  When you shout down a position, you show weakness, you demonstrate that the opposing view if given traction may prevail.  It is a tactic used by dictators and totalitarian states.  It has no place in our country.

The Uncle of Kim Jong-un the North Korean Dictator was recently put to death for among other crimes, "Gnawing at the unity and cohesion of the party" and "dreaming different dreams."  Do we want to become a society so wrapped up in “right thinking” that we persecute someone for “dreaming different dreams” or thinking different thoughts?

Phil Robertson’s position on homosexuals is probably a minority position.  His opinion that it is a sin is his religious belief.  It offers little threat to rights of the gay community.

Where is the ACLU when his rights and the rights of others not marching in lock step to the “main stream” are trampled?

I want to see gay people win the same rights in this country as straight people, but the change should come from enlightenment, not from fear and suppression of opinion.

I am concerned about GLOBAL WARMING, and support well-reasoned measures to reduce those gases believed responsible, but I don’t want scientists with opposing ideas to be ignored because of fear; fear of losing jobs, or fear of losing federal grants.  When you suppress thought, science suffers.

Students should not be afraid to express ideas which are counter to a liberal faculty, in fact they should be encouraged to explore and discuss all ideas from all points of view.  When I went to college the professors taught you how to think, not what to think.

In the world of ideas, might does not make right, might distorts and narrows thinking; right makes right.

When you discourage opinions and thoughts, even minority thoughts or misguided opinions, you stifle thinking, you eliminate new ideas, and you diminish progress.

The preceding opinion was from a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Friday, December 27, 2013

CHRISTMAS SMELLS


CHRISTMAS SMELLS

 

Christmas is over this year, I love that holiday, but I won’t miss what comes with Christmas…perfume commercials.

Is it per/fume, or par/fum?  I don’t get it; some commercials are hawking perfume and some parfum.  I think it is just the price, I think parfum costs more than perfume.  Mrs. Cranky says parfum is a fancy way of saying toilet water.  Shit, I think any name would sound fancier than toilet water.

What I don’t understand about these commercials is they don’t seem to try and sell the smell.  Several commercials simply show some slutty looking skinny model doing that high stepping horsey “My shit don’t stink” model walk.  Why would I want to buy that parfum?

They need a caption:

“My shit don’t stink, but my parfum sure do!”

Another commercial has a bunch of sailors in an ocean race.  They are sweating and being sprayed with salt water.  Mmmm…I have been sailing, I have gotten sweaty and been covered with salt water spray.

It ain’t sexy.

Most of the commercials are for perfumes named after famous sluts.  Did they actually create these products?  Do they spend hours experimenting with different scents until they find the one that would be their signature scent?  Why would I care what Kim or Paris likes?

I think they get paid millions for smelling a couple of scents and saying, “I like this one the best…I guess.”

 I’ve got a caption for these perfumes:

“If you want to score, smell like a whore!”

Next year I think I will market my own brand.  I’m going to buy up gallons of whatever crap one of these loser bimbos can’t unload this year and bottle it with my own label:
 
“Ocean air, a touch of sweat, a hint of ripe diaper, and an inkling of old man”

Ewww-De-Grandpaw

For that stalker in your life

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

A Cranky Christmas Card


No Cranky post today, instead a Merry Christmas card which Mrs. Cranky put together
 
This the front


This is the inside
 
 
 





 
 
My apologies to Step-Crank Casey...this is a terrible picture of her, but I don't know how to photo chop
 
She is really quite pretty
 

 
See!
 
 
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!
 



Monday, December 23, 2013

The Greatest Story Teller OF Our Time - a cranky re-run

The Greatest Story Teller OF Our Time
 This re-run is from December 2012

Once upon a time, before TV, radio, and the printing press; history, news, and stories were all word of mouth.  Story tellers were in every family, clan, and town.  I imagine they were skillful and entertaining. 

In this day of multiple media outlets, story telling is a lost art.  When I was a kid, in the New York tri-state area, we had on the radio, WOR, perhaps the last pure story teller of our time.

As I recall this storyteller was on every night from 11-12.  I am probably wrong; he may have just been on weekends.  I do recall being up late at night, in my bed supposedly asleep, listening intently on a transistor radio to Jean Shephard. 

I don’t believe Jean was on any other radio station.  I think he was just local.  He told stories of his childhood in a blue collar Indiana town.  He told stories in a voice that wrapped around you and with details that allowed you to feel the cold and smell the smells of that town.  If you were a regular listener you soon learned all his characters, his friends Flick and Schwartz, the local bullies Scot Farcus and Grover Dill, his pain in the ass little brother, his crazy Dad (the old man,) his nurturing but always worried Mom, and his neighbors, the Bumpus family.

I don’t know if he read his stories or had a prepared outline and notes, but they all sounded as if they just poured out of his memory.  I thought I was the only one listening to Jean Shephard.  No one gathered around the water cooler or in school to recount the previous night’s story as they did with the popular TV shows of the time.  On the radio it seemed as if “Shep” was talking only to me.

I imagine he wrote for magazines which I did not read, but I think basically Jean Shephard was a just a local radio guy.  He did write a book of short stories which I recall him hawking, but I did not buy.  It was mostly stories I had already heard on the radio.  He made a movie from his stories, but few people including myself saw it.

I later found out that my friend “Frog” was a regular listener, and my best friend “Asshead” was also a regular listener.  It turns out half of the tri-state area were closet “Shep” fans. 

Jean Shephard died in 1999.  I know little of his life other than from his storytelling.  His death did not make the front page.  Few people ever heard of him.  I read somewhere that Shep died thinking he had made no contribution and his life was a waste. 

With his passing went the lost art of storytelling.  I might have forgotten him and most of the world may have never heard of him if not for a movie contract law.

For years, every year on Christmas Eve, all the networks and all the cable channels ran Jimmy Stewart’s classic movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.”   This movie was considered in “Public Domain” due to a clerical error that prevented the copyright from being renewed properly in 1974.  In 1993 the owners of the movie successfully won a law suit which gave it exclusive rights to “It’s A Wonderful Life.”  NBC now owns the rights to this classic and they show the movie only once a year before Christmas. 

The other TV stations could no longer broadcast “It’s a Wonderful Life” and they needed something to fill the Christmas Eve airtime.  They chose that old Jean Shephard movie which I never saw.  When it first came on my ears perked up to his distinctive and unique narration.

“Hey that’s Shep!”

Most of this movie is stories which I heard on the radio “asleep” in bed those many years ago.  They are as entertaining as they were on WOR, and they now entertain me every single Christmas Eve.  I am pretty sure you also know and watch this “new” Christmas Eve tradition.

This little known local storyteller will probably be heard forever every Christmas Eve on multiple TV channels which broadcast in a loop this now classic movie:

“A Christmas Story.”

Haven’t seen it? Think…how about,

“You’re going to put an eye out kid!”

Check him out on you tube...Google Jean Shepard Radio SHow

Sunday, December 22, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 122213


STUPID HEADLINES 122213

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

OK, its a sign not a headline...but it is stupid!
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

 

___________________________

 

Walmart employee reportedly shoots co-worker's car after worker wins Employee of the Month – Oh well, there is always next month.

Laughing can lead to hernias, asthma attacks and even death: study – This is a hernia, asthma and death safe blog! (Shameless plea for validation.)

Tea Party pushes back against Boehner – Please tell me that it is pronounced Bay-ner.
Rush Limbaugh: Pope is preaching 'pure Marxism' I am a conservative, but I gotta ask, is there anything or anyone this bloated douchbag doesn’t have an issue with?

1 in 200 Women Say They've Had a 'Virgin Pregnancy' – Isn’t that the same percentage of blonde women that don’t have dark roots?


Former bartender turns wine into water – I think I liked the former carpenter’s trick better.


Man poised to lead India barred from entering US – Well yeah, if he is going to lead one billion people, we don’t have enough room!


Man’s hand grafted to his ankle – Now he can scratch that itchy foot without bending over.


Florida school named for honorary Ku Klux Klan leader to be changedSchool now called James Earle Ray High… “Go fighting bigots!”


Man claims drinking pee is healthy – Dude; you’re in trouble!


Scientists film Rudolph’s glowing nose – Next a study on how the Easter Bunny delivers all those eggs.


Ambulance called to Justin Bieber's home for passed out girl – This just makes me sick.  These big stars just call an ambulance and bingo they drop off a passed out girl.  I had to work really hard to get a passed out girl.


Japanese beauty queen banned from ceremony – Appeasing the “Volcano God” is not really as big an honor as it sounds.


Tech Pair Builds Fully Functioning Car Out Of Legos – It runs great, but it hurts like hell if you walk barefoot through the garage.

 

________________________________

Last week’s fake headline was:


GM recalls faulty brakes on Chevy's“I remember in 1987, we sold some cars with the crappiest brakes ever.  People slid all over on those things and we just laughed and laughed!”

The only winner is:

Jim and Sandie said...

I'm going to pick the GM recall. They just couldn't put out a Chevy with faulty brakes. Could they?

Jim and Sandie’s blog is “Where are the Dixons Today”

Follow the adventures of Jim and Sandie as they explore the world in their RV with their two “girls” (Dachshunds) @ http://wherearethedixonstoday.blogspot.com/

Check out and congratulate our winner!   

 

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!


It’s The Best Celebration Ever
A non-cranky Christmas opinion for

Cranky Opinion Saturday

I agree it is over commercialized and the religious significance of the day is often lost, but hands down, Christmas is the best Holiday Celebration ever!

Jews have their gift giving during Chanukah, and they have some really great feasts, but do they have a celebration to equal Christmas?

Chinese New Year’s has colors, costumes, and fireworks galore.  It looks like fun, but it is not Christmas.

I am clearly not an expert in other customs and celebrations, but it seems to me that most involve sacrifice.  I see a lot of fasting, staying inside, beating yourself with chains and other stuff.  Sacrifice is fine, I imagine God appreciates the sentiment, but there is no other holiday like Christmas. 

What other holiday has children counting down the days for a month?  What other holiday covers homes and streets with bright flickering lights?  What other holiday just makes people feel good, has them smiling, and has strangers speaking to strangers? What other holiday has the traditions: Santa, reindeer, decorating a tree, mistletoe, stockings, elves, cookies, candy canes, a huge dinner and GIVING AND RECEIVING PRESENTS?

Christmas brings families together like no other holiday, plus,

YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE PRESENTS!

I understand that Christmas is a Christian holiday, but it is such a good time, such a great celebration, so much fun, I think everyone should celebrate the season.

You don’t believe in Jesus?  Fine, but you gotta like lights, and peace and love and GIVING AND RECEIVING PRESENTS!

You don’t accept Christ?  You don’t worship any higher power? Fine, but everyone can celebrate the ideals of Christ.  Who wouldn’t celebrate the idea of peace and love and goodwill toward men?  Do unto others is a sound aspiration regardless of if or how you worship.

So I say to everyone, Jew, Muslim, Hindi, Atheist…whatever, join in the celebration, do not be left out, it is the most wonderful time of the year, it is the best celebration ever, and YOU GIVE AND GET PRESENTS!!

To me “Merry Christmas” represents more than the birth of Christ, it represents all that Christ stands for to Christians, ideals that do not conflict with any religious teachings I’ve ever heard of, ideals that all people could get behind and thus Christmas can be for everyone.

You don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. 

You don’t have to be Mexican to enjoy a Cinco de Mayo drink or three. 

Why do you have to be Christian to enjoy Christmas?

So please, if you are not Christian, do not be offended when I wish you Merry Christmas, you don’t have to be Christian to enjoy Christmas!

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!