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Monday, September 30, 2013

ARGUING WITH A WOMAN - a cranky re-run

ARGUING WITH A WOMAN
This re-run for Cranky Monday Re-run is from August 2011

Would you play football against a team that was allowed to field twenty-two players against your eleven?  Would you play baseball against a team that was allowed six outs an inning to your three?  Would you play poker against someone who started every hand with Aces to your 7-2?  Then I ask you, men, why do you argue with a woman?

You can’t argue with a woman because they make up the rules.

Men, when you get grief because you left your underwear on the floor don’t ask “what is the big deal?”  The big deal is you ALWAYS leave your underwear on the floor.

RULE #1 When you do something wrong, you ALWAYS do it wrong.

RULE #2 When you forget to do something, you NEVER remember to do it.

Rule #3 Do not compare what you did or didn’t do to your lady. 

For instance:  “But you sometimes leave your panties on the floor.”

Dude….you just compared your disgusting u-trow to your ladies panties!  Men’s underwear/ladies panties; apples and oranges, or more accurately thorn bush and lilacs.

Rule #4 For every complaint that you have a valid response, she will not acknowledge, but will hit you with another of your screw-ups totally out of context.  Responding to complaints is like being the ball in a pinball machine, and she is the flipper.

Rule #5 There is a three day window to bring up any wife’s screw-up.  Husband’s mistakes have an unlimited shelf life.  If you were wrong eight years ago you are still wrong, and it will be brought up!

Rule #6 If an argument involves a time, date, or year you are wrong.

Rule #7 Hearsay evidence is only immiscible for the wife.  What her girl friend says counts, what your stupid deadbeat drunken friends say carries no weight.

Rule #8 If you raise your voice, it is because you know you are wrong.

Rule #9 If you remain calm, you are a controlling unemotional egotistical jerk.

Rule #10 If she cries, the argument is over and you lost.

The most important rule of all:

WHEN YOU WIN YOU LOSE!!  Even if you have a really comfortable couch.  When you win you lose.
____________________________________


Full disclosure requires I say that experiences that led to the above post were ALL pre-Mrs. Cranky!  Mrs. Cranky also requires I make this statement!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 092913


STUPID HEADLINES 092913

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
It's just a tiny suit, he only wants a little money, even just small change.  Most suits would dwarf his claim.

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. 


One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.



__________________________

Music score may have secret code leading to Nazi gold, filmmaker says – So now they’re digging up “The Camptown Racetrack.”

1 in 500 patients wakes up on operating table, researcher claims –
What’s even worse, half of those only came in for a check-up.

Cards Safety Loses Finger In Glove – How do you lose a finger in a glove?  How far could it go?

Male Zoo gorilla to get therapy for sexist attitude – Dr. Phil to teach gorilla to do dishes and take out the trash.  “It ain’t my first rodeo, but he’s got to stop acting like an animal!”

99-year-old Iowa woman gets high school diploma – And that will be part of her PERMANENT record!

Wonder Bread returns to shelves – Just in time; I need a nutrition-less, tasteless, gluten fix.   

Bigfoot sighted at mall in Paramus New Jersey – Unfortunately not one of the 11,000 cell phones in the Mall was able to get a picture of the beast.

Legless lizards found in California – Scientists have named them “Snakes!”

Storm in a D-cup -- UK launches sports bra probe – If they need inspectors I am available!

Man with completely blue skin dies at 62 – Does anyone even edit these headlines?  Obviously that should be “dyed at 62.”

Michelle Obama: President Quit Smoking – Well done Mr. President, that is very difficult to do, especially when you have a stressful job.

ATF misplaced 420 million cigarettes in stings – Hmmm…President Obama…are you hiding something from Michelle?


Victoria's Secret CEO reportedly involved in sexy scandal – Shhhhh I’d tell you more, but it’s a…you know.


Woody Allen pals around with convicted child sex creep – That is just sick and disgusting.  That convicted child sex creep has no shame…paling around with Woody Allen? Yeeech!!

 
 


Last week’s fake headline was:

Crayola introduces a pack of 28 different “flesh” color crayons – Colors go from “Pasty Honky White” to “Seal Black” with shades in between including “Fake tan Kardasian” and 15 different shades of “Michael Jackson.”

Twelve guesses; four winners.  And the winners are:

          fishducky said...

Flesh colored crayons--did you know that "peach" used to be called "flesh"? (I love the invisible skyscraper!!)  Yes Fran we did know that!

Go tell Fran how smart she is @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/  Her posts are real funny too!

           

            TexWisGirl said...

FISHDUCKY ROCKS!!! :)

alright. this week... i'm going for the 3 million mile volvo. come on, now! 'cuz i really hope the crayola flesh box is real! :)

Sorry TexWis, you should have gone with Fishducky…no mention for your fine blog with wonderful nature photos @ http://run-a-roundranch.blogspot.com/

 And I agree, Crayola should add the “flesh” color box!


Flesh colored crayons!!!

Has to be because my brother drove his Volvo about 3 million miles but still found his way back home.

Not so sure of his logic, but visit Uncle Skip @ http://lionskip.blogspot.com/

Lots of good stuff, plus everyone should have at least one Uncle Skip!


I go with Crayola introduces a pack of 28 different “flesh” colored crayons.  I would like to see “redneck red.”

“Redneck Red?”  Visit the politically incorrect Mountain Man @ http://danmtnman.blogspot.com/

Pictures and some good old NC common sense from the Mountain Man!


Stephen Hayes said...

That Crayola one sounds pretty fake to me.

If you are not following Stephen @ http://www.chubbychatterbox.com/

WHY NOT?

Saturday, September 28, 2013

YOU’RE GROUNDED!


YOU’RE GROUNDED!
A cranky opinion for

Cranky Opinion Saturday 

Warning!! The following parental advice comes from a cranky old man with no accredited expertise in child rearing whatsoever.  He has been at least partially responsible for bringing three human beings into the world as productive citizens who have never been arrested for a crime or been targeted as major drug abusers*.  He is currently working on a fourth and hoping for similar results. 

Opposing opinions are welcome, wrong, but welcome and please no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid head. 

How do you punish your children in today’s world where any form of physical abuse can be reported and you may lose your child to social services?  You can’t verbally abuse them either.  Many children know all this and even threaten to report and or sue parents that do not follow acceptable parenting practices.

You can withhold their allowance.  Somehow kids manage to still get what they need.  You can take away TV privileges. That means you also have to take away their phone, i-pad, i-pod, and PC.  

These punishments just don’t work.  Without these electronic toys, they will drive you crazy and they won’t be able to do their school work. 

You can ground your child. 

Grounding is the most useless punishment of all.  Essentially it is an extended “time-out” which is often successful with toddlers.

Grounding to a teen is a joke.  A teens first reaction to almost anything is to rebel.  Grounding is giving them something extra to rebel against.  
A grounded teen will either sit out his punishment with all his fancy electronics and do their time as easy as standing on their heads;

Or

They will pester you with constant questions and whining and the “grounding” will be more torture for the parents than the teen.

TV shows always make grounding look like an effective disciplinary tool.  When a TV teen acts up the TV dad always just calmly says,

“That is it young lady, you’re grounded…one week.” 

“THAT’s not fair daddy!”

“Not fair? Make it two weeks!”

“BUT…”

“Wanna try for four weeks?”

“No daddy.”

I guarantee these scenes are written by idealistic young people who are not yet parents themselves.  I wonder how many young real parents fall for this great TV fantasy scenario.

In real life, after the “Not fair? Make it two weeks” decree, the teen’s response is,

“You might as well make it ten years, my life is over, I wish I was never born!” 

This is followed by slammed doors, broken stuff, hysterical crying, and ultimately results in participating in a Dr. Phil segment where the parents are forced to read “Life Code,” Dr. Phil’s latest best seller which is published by his son (Dr. Phil works that into every show he does.)

What is the answer to disciplining a teen?

It starts the day you bring your child home from the hospital.  Parents have to be in control, have to be the leaders of their pack, and have to have the child’s absolute respect.  Parents have to be firm but fair from day one.  They have to be calm assertive and the child needs to be calm submissive.  (See Cesar Millan “The Dog Whisperer.”)

When this relationship is established, discipline is simply a matter of showing disappointment.

My dad never raised his voice (hardly ever.)  If any of his children were caught misbehaving he would get a look in his eye and his body language would scream DISSAPOINTMENT.  When dad was disappointed and even HURT by our behavior it was a punishment worse than any yelling, beating, or grounding could ever be. 

After the look of hurt, came the explanation of the why, and the “don’t let me hear of this again.”

That was it!

You want to discipline your teen, start before he can walk.  Be a leader; be calm, be fair, be firm, and be consistent.  When you make a mistake, admit it.  When they are teens, they will fear your disappointment more than any punishment. 

And you don’t have to be perfect, you just need to try.

Or, you can ground them…good luck!

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management...Mrs. Cranky.



*Not to my knowledge

Thursday, September 26, 2013

THE WALTER - a cranky award


THE WALTER

A Cranky Old Man Award

"The Walter"



Because, unlike Suldog, I believe there cannot be enough blog awards, I have decided to add my own.  It is named after Jeff Dunham’s hysterical cranky old man puppet, “Walter.”

This award recognizes those bloggers who post consistent (3 days a week or more) original, humorous and or thought provoking material.

To accept this award you need only grab it and display it on your blog.  There are no questions to answer. If you wish to award it to anyone you feel meets the above criteria, you are hereby authorized to do so.

Without further ado and in no particular order I award to the following six bloggers:

THE WALTER

Scott at Flight Plan http://lowandslow01.blogspot.com/

Scott posts virtually every day.  His posts are a mixture of humor, politics, and life observations.  His political commentary is not knee jerk politics; he is sometimes Liberal, sometimes Conservative and always thought provoking. 

Good stuff!

Gia at “Mayor Gia” http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/

Gia’s posts are a mixture of cartoons and dialog.  She is reminiscent of the comic strip “Cathy” only funnier and with a potty mouth.  She generally posts three times a week.

Borderline genius.

Stephen at “The Chubby Chatterbox”


Stephen is a talented artist.  He posts almost daily, personal stories which are sometimes touching, sometimes funny, always entertaining and often mixed with interesting art history.

A daily must read.

Pearl at “Pearl why you little…”


Pearl posts daily about her strange world of bus commuting and her life with two controlling, booze drinking, chain smoking cats.  She is unique to say the least, with spot on life observations and a way of painting pictures with words.

Visit, you will not be sorry.

Fran at “Fishducky, finally!”  http://fishducky.blogspot.com/

Fran makes the list because the internet needs a funny paper section.  Her daily posts are full of cartoons, jokes, and her funny observations.

Because we could all use a little Fishducky in our lives.

Val the Victorian at “Unbagging the Cats”  http://unbaggingthecats.blogspot.com/

Val post daily on her life with a country Hick, a Genius son, a haunted house and battles at school or in line for Gas Station chicken and 44 oz. bottles of diet coke…it’s a little complicated, just go visit.

Smart does not have to be stuffy.


Congratulations to the award winners.  Everyone else on my follow list gets an honorable mention.  I read everyone I follow and follow posts I enjoy. 

Bloggers Rule!  

I Make a Sound

I Make a Sound
 
If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it even make a sound?  Stupid philosophical bull shit; or so I used to think.  As I get older I realize that philosophy isn’t about finding answers, but it is about making you think.

The tree thing; of course it makes a sound.  Tree, land, impact, sound…has to happen.

Except, suppose in this one case the impact made no sound at all?  If there was no one around, how do we know?  There is no answer, but it makes you think.

It makes me think about blogging.

If you submit a post on the internet and no one ever reads it, did you have any impact?  Did you even make a sound?

It makes me think about life.

If you pass away and leave nothing behind, no memories, no ideas, no children, no friends, did you have any impact?  Did you even make a sound?

That is why I blog.  In addition to enjoying the writing, and the cyber-friends I have made, it is my way of having some impact.  It is my way of making a sound.

I’m not sure I have made that much of an impact in my life. I have four terrific children and five terrific grandchildren.  I expect they will have an impact, they will be my sound, but much of my own life I have been  quiet.  I did all the things you are supposed to do.  I went to school and earned my college degree.  I raised a family.  I put food on the table and a roof over heads, but in the great scheme of things I've been quiet.  I spent forty years working for the same firm which eventually had to be bought out to avoid going into bankruptcy…no sound there. 

So I blog.

It is fun.  It is rewarding.  I meet people.  I exchange ideas and opinions.  I share in peoples good times and their bad times.  I hear what others have to say.  That means they make a sound.

If you read this; I made a sound.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

TEMPER TANTRUM


TEMPER TANTRUM
 

I just watched a clip of a young professional baseball player throwing an in-the-dugout tantrum after a bad pitching outing.  It made me think of Tiger Woods and his little immature outbursts every time he doesn’t hit a perfect shot or make every putt.  There is no excuse for these silly outbursts.  As professionals, these cretins should learn how to deal with failure as much as they accept their successes.

Then I remember the young Cranky.  The young Cranky was not always a lot of fun on the golf course. 

It was not unusual for the young Cranky to throw a golf club after a bad shot.  I broke more than a couple of shafts banging the club head into the turf and threw many a ball into a water hazard in disgust…

And I sucked!! 

I had very little expectation of success and yet I could not handle failure.

I don’t think my brothers were much better.  We used to refer to it as the “Hagy Disease.”  We were never bad sports in team events, but in individual endeavors my family has a propensity for emotional outbursts.

My oldest brother, Jim, was not a club thrower, but he could be verbally abusive toward himself on a golf course.  I seem to recall my brother Chris being a pretty good club thrower though no one could throw a club as far and as straight as the young Cranky.

If you watch a TV golf match today, someone always yells out after every drive, “Baba Booey,” “mashed potatoes,” “you da man,” or “get in the hole.”  In my family, the after drive-yell was always “dammit.”

“Dammit Jim!”

“Dammit Chris!”

“Dammit Joe!”

This yell was often followed by a club thrown further than the ball was hit.

I am pleased to announce, as I realize how dumb these outbursts are, that I have not thrown a golf club in years. 

I have not seen my brother throw a club or show any real sign of frustration other than the “dammit Chris,” since I don’t know when. 

I believe Jim quit the game in favor of sailing where I am quite sure he never lost his temper.  I did hear him once say “Oh shit,” but that was when he realized the boat sprung a serious leak through the propeller shaft.  He then went on to calmly remedy the problem and kept the boat afloat.

I wonder, is it maturity, or is it just when you lose the exuberance of youth, you gain the realization that greatness has escaped you and there is no reason for self-flagellation?

I guess you realize that you are what you are.

Of course some people never gain that level of maturity (see Geezer Golf http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2011/04/geezer-golf.html. )

I am just glam glade glsd “DAMMIT JOE!” glad that I am no longer afflicted with this desease disese “SHIT!” disease of immaturity.

 

 

Friggin stupid keyboard! 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

CRIME AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE


CRIME AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE
 
The old saw used to be “Crime doesn't pay.”  Clearly that isn’t true, crime very often pays and pays quite well.  The problem is that today, unless you are a politician or a car salesman, crime almost always catches up with you. 

Getting away with a crime just ain’t what it used to be.  There are security cameras everywhere to catch you in the act.  Fingerprints and DNA make it almost impossible to leave the scene without leaving behind some evidence.  Based in the CSI TV show, if you fart they will find you.

If you want to plan the perfect crime, you must be sure to not let any victim scratch you, you can’t bleed, spit, sneeze, lose a hair or pass gas; if you do, today’s detectives will be paying you a visit.

If you want to commit multiple crimes, and face it, most criminals do not retire early; you had better avoid any crime pattern.  Computers and crime analysts can track your previous criminal activity and will be waiting for your next heist.

If you are selling drugs, body parts, sex or exotic animals, your customer may well have a badge, and be recording your transaction.

If you are plotting with someone else, your phone may be tapped and your texts and emails tracked.  If you attempt a getaway, you can be followed through the GPS functions of your car and or your cell phone.

Rob a bank, and the bills are recorded and easy to track, or a dye pack blows up and the money becomes worthless.

The days of a successful criminal needing only a mask, a gun and a set of balls is gone.  Criminals today need to be smart enough to ply their trade away from cameras and undercover cops.  They have to avoid any kind of traceable pattern, avoid planning with a computer or phone, and avoid leaving behind any DNA.  They have to steal untrack-able loot, and escape without leaving a trail through various GPS systems.

Jeez, if you’re smart enough to commit a crime and get away with it today, you could probably do a lot better just getting a job.  

Monday, September 23, 2013

WE NEED TO TALK - a Cranky re-run

WE NEED TO TALK

This Cranky Monday Re-run is from September 2011

The four words most feared by man are “We need to talk.”  No pleasant conversation ever follows “We need to talk.”  “We need to talk” means you did something really bad, something that is making your woman very unhappy. 
“We need to talk” means you did or are doing something not just today, or yesterday, but at least a week ago.  You did something that has slowly festered in your lady’s mind.  She has tried to overlook it.  She has tried to forgive you.  She hoped you would correct what you did and apologize to her for what you did.

Oh yes, you were given the opportunity to fix the problem, but you ignored the “nothing” response when you asked her what is the matter.  You had a second chance, but you shrugged your shoulders when she said “If you don’t know, I'm not going to tell you!” 

You had your chances, now the issue has come to a head and

“We need to talk.”
“We need to talk” means “I need to talk, you need to listen.”  Any response of yours that begins with “But," "I never," "I didn’t know," "I tried," "I forgot," or "what the fuck” will get you a week on the couch, or even worse an appointment with a couples counselor.

Today, while I was reading a book by the pool, my wife leaned over and out of the blue said, “We need to talk.” 

I had no prior warning. 

My vast experience to the “We need to talk” conversation starter told me this was not good, this was very bad.
I thought Mrs. Cranky and I had a relationship without secrets or disguised feelings.  I now assumed I was wrong.  Immediately I apologized for whatever it was that I did.

“Yes, we need to talk, but before we do, I am very sorry, I had no idea how much I hurt you by my actions and I promise I will never make you feel hurt, betrayed or embarrassed again.  I promise!”
“What the Hell are you talking about?  We need to talk about the trip to Disney.  Do you want the regular pass, or the Hopper?”

“Oh.....ah, never mind.....I think the regular pass.”  

“What did you do? Why are you apologizing?”
“Nothing….really….nothing!”

“Hmmm….WE NEED TO TALK!

Sunday, September 22, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 092213


STUPID HEADLINES 092213

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Ewww, don't waste it!
 
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. 

 

One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

 

_________________________

74-Year-Old Drives 3 Million Miles in Same Volvo – Just like a guy, 3 million miles and he still won’t ask for directions.

Why Judge Judy is the highest paid TV star in the world – Easy, because she is the best…don’t get me started, and do not mess with Judge Judy!!

Crayola introduces a pack of 28 different “flesh” color crayons – Colors go from “Pasty Honky White” to “Seal Black” with shades in between including “Fake tan Kardasian” and 15 different shades of “Michael Jackson.”

World's first 'invisible' skyscraper planned for South Korea – This is not a first, there are invisible skyscrapers all over the world, it’s just that no one can find them.

French Senate votes to ban child beauty pageants – It’s about time, how can the Senate conduct business with a child beauty pageant going on?

John Sterling blows Alex Rodriguez callJust four little letters away from being a major news story!

One in 8 workers will never retireThat is difficult for me to believe!

Seven out of eight workers will eventually be fired* – Oh, now I get it.

Clicking 'Like' on Facebook is free speech, court rules – Court also rules that “lol” is stupid.

California college bars student from handing out copies of Constitution – That, of course, is unconstitutional, but the students will never know.

Syria moves chemical weapons again, motive unclear – Ok, here is the pea, keep your eye on the shell.  Over here, over there, in the middle?  Where oh where?


Two teens attack one's mom, plan to eat her liver – Must be one special recipe, my mom had to force me to eat her liver.


_________________________________

Last week’s FAKE stupid headline was:

Gun toting skydiver shoots chute – “G  E  R  O  N  I  NO!”

Sadly the “human toe” cocktail headline was real.

There was only one winner…guess who got it…FISHDUCKY

 

Honorable mention goes to TexWisGirl who said:

          TexWisGirl said...

oh, this is a tough week. :) i'm going with transparent car. or whatever fishducky picks...

Check out TexWisGirl for picture stories of birds, dogs, turtles, fences and more…trust me, it is good stuff!


 

          fishducky said...

TexWisGirl & I are voting for the skydiver!!

Only check out this blog if you like to laugh!


 

 

*This does not count as the fake…Fishducky knew that!