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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Cranky Life Lessons

Cranky Life Lessons
At the age of 71, I feel it is my duty to impart some of my life’s knowledge to younger generations.  Younger generations being anyone under 60.  Anyone 60 or older will be well aware of these life lessons.
1.     In a restaurant, always be nice to the wait-staff, they are serving something you plan to put in your mouth.
2.     Never cut off a pick-up truck.
3.     Man/woman/fit/fat or scrawny, never pick a fight with someone who has a neck tattoo.
4.     Do not EVER tell a woman how she should feel.
5.     Do not reward a whiney person with what they are whining about.
6.     When pouring scotch, don’t let the ice cubes float.
7.     If someone asks “Does this smell funny?”  Do not smell it.  Definitely don't taste it.
8.     Dog crap does not smell until you step in it.
9.     If at first you don’t succeed call someone who knows what the hell they are doing.
10. If someone lost their wallet and needs money for bus fare, they are lying.
11. Never trust a fart.

12. If someone wants to bet you that they can do something that is impossible to do; they can do it.
13. If a bird shits on you, no matter what anyone tells you, it is not lucky.
14. “Waste not want not” only works if what you don’t waste is something you want.
15. A lifetime guarantee is only as good as the lifetime of the company that gives it to you…and then there will be a loop-hole.
16. Sometimes in a relationship, when a person “completes” you, it means they make you a complete idiot.
17. The only time in your life that is more miserable then when you are a teenager is when you have a teenager.
18. If “Baby needs a new pair of shoes,” get a second job.
19. The last pistachio nut in a bag will be rotten…and you will eat it anyway.
20. If you root for the Jets or the Mets, they will eventually break your heart.
21. Never lend money that you can’t easily afford to lose.  If you want to help, make it a gift.  People love a benefactor, but they hate their creditor. 
22. When a woman asks, “Do I look fat in this?” and she does, the answer is “You never look fat, but that dress is not especially flattering.” * 
23. Intelligence is like water, it will always seek its own level.
24. The best revenge against an asshat, is the knowledge that he/she is an asshat.
25. If you think you may have had too much to drink, you have.

* Actually there is no good answer to this question.
That’s it, at least that is all I’ve got.  I’ll bet there are some other old farts out there with important lessons of survival.

17 comments:

  1. I can still take your advice because I'm weeks shy of turning 60. We are excessively kind to wait staff and tip way above the "normal".

    betty

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  2. I hope these are the learned and practiced one


    i think we should enjoy being idiot as being clever or much practical ruins the whole beauty of life .
    brian tells what is beneficial for you and heart tells what will give you true inner peace

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  3. Does that mean that at my age I don't have to worry about a thing? If that's the case I guess I can relax!!

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  4. No matter who you root for, they will eventually break your heart. No team stays perennially on top, and if one team did, the sport would get boring.

    Even though i'm under 60, Sweetie isn't and he and i together would add don't agree to babysit the granddogs or grandcats unless you are willing to keep them because sooner or later you will.

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  5. This is a great Community Service you've published for the benefit of all humanity, Cranky. Kudos!

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  6. Excellent advice Joe, I have never seen my wife look bad, but I have seen a lot of unflattering clothes.

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  7. These are all absolutely spot on. Cracked up at 13. Happened to my grandmother, it landed in her hair, and she did her best to put a positive spin on it. I thought 22 was really good--I'd have bought it.

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  8. Sound advice. I may have to print that out for my boys. The only advice I gave them as they moved off to college was: "Always keep your mouth closed while you're cleaning the toilet." I'm pretty sure it was wishful thinking that they might actually clean a toilet over the next four years.

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  9. You're MUCH smarter than I thought!!

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  10. While it's true that there is no 'correct' answer to #22, yours is the best I've ever seen. . .

    And I can personally vouch for #17. . .

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  11. Great list, especially number #17.

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  12. Lifetime guarantee usually means for the life of the item and too many items are made to be dead in a very short time, maybe a year. Most things with a 12 month warranty will die in the 13th month.

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  13. these are good to know. I think they're all true. #1 is definitely necessary. great list.

    have a lovely day.

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  14. One of mine for senior women who are single and want to find their soulmate/true love. I always tell them to Follow their heart but TRUST your gut.

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  15. 100%. I have nothing to add as a modifier.

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  16. NEVER as a woman if she is pregnant. Also, never buy your wife an umbrella as an anniversary gift.
    R

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