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Sunday, July 31, 2016

EXPERTS

EXPERTS
The Old AF Sarge's recent post inspired this re-run from August 2011


I have always been leery about “EXPERTS.”  An expert is someone with subject knowledge which is above and beyond the average person’s knowledge on that subject. 
I know more about the English language than the average person in Mexico (probably).  Given a question about the English language, if I was in Mexico City I would probably be one of the best persons to ask.  Would that make me an expert?  If you had a question about the English language, and I was in Princeton New Jersey, I would be one of the last persons you would want to ask.  On the English language, in Mexico I am an expert.  In Princeton New Jersey I am an idiot.  What is an expert?

I was once on a jury hearing a case where some kids were hurt in a fight at a roller skating rink.  The injured kids were suing the rink for not protecting them by stopping a fight. The lawyer for these injured teens presented an “EXPERT” to testify to the errors made at the rink.

The lawyer established the witness’s expert credentials.  
“Mr. Slimy, do you have any training in the field of crowd control and security?”

“Yes sir, I have a certificate of expertise in crowd control and security from the J.J. Johnston School of Crowd Control and Security.”

“Mr. Slimy what did your training entail?”

“Well sir we spent three 12 hour days of intensive training, lectures and role playing before receiving our certificates.”

“Your honor, I summit Mr. Slimy is an expert in crowd control and security.”

“Agreed, continue.”

The teens were hurt in a brawl which started after the rink closed.  Apparently there was a small altercation during the skating session between two groups of teens.  When the skating ended the battle started again in the lounge area.

The rink security guard broke up the fight, and separated the two groups.  After several minutes there were words again quickly followed be a knife and a stabbing.  The injured argued that the rink security did not protect them.  My thought was it was the teen’s responsibility to get the fuck away from potential trouble, but instead they had to stay and show off their testosterone.

“Mr. Slimy, what in your expert opinion should have been done to break up this fight?”

“Well my training says you need to have a sign of authority, a badge, or a uniform.  When trouble breaks out you need to step between the aggressors, blow a whistle, raise your arms and move everyone to the side.”
“Thank you.  You are excused.  I call on John Tate, the so called rink security guard that night.”

“Mr. Tate you were the security guard that night?

“Yes sir.”

“Mr. Tate you work security as a part time job; during the day you are a sanitation man, is that correct?”

“Yes sir.”

“Mr. Tate, as a…ahem…sanitation man, do you have any credentials what-so-ever as a security guard?”

“Well sir, I was in the Army for eight years.”

“The Army….what did you do in the Army?  What training did you get in the Army to prepare you for security?”

"Well sir, I was an MP.  I went through nine months special training in crowd control and security.  The next seven years I helped to break up fights between drunken soldiers just about every weekend….and there were guns involved sir.  You blow your whistle around guns and drunken soldiers and you could just exacerbate the issue if you know what I mean.  One thing we were taught; if a soldier wanted to get himself hurt in a fight he was going to get himself hurt in a fight.  We just tried to keep them alive sir.  I never lost a soldier in eight years.  There were a few cuts, slashes, and big time contusions, but we kept them all alive! Sir.”

No further questions. Thank you Mr. Tate
We ruled the rink not liable for the teen’s injuries, even though Mr. Tate did not have a certificate.

STUPID HEADLINES 073116

STUPID HEADLINES 073116

NY Post always has the best headlines!
 It is time again for
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  
_________________________________
Some of Melania Trump's speech at GOP convention similar to Michelle Obama remarks – “I was born a poor black girl in Chicago, Yugoslavia…” similar, but just a coincidence.

Pennsylvania mom accused of stuffing kids, ages 3 and 5, in Corvette trunk – This just boggles my mind…who knew Corvettes had a trunk?

Fugitive polygamous sect leader likely used olive oil to aid escape – And Popeye is really pissed!

Texas man made to pay child support in New Jersey for child that isn't his – Sure, and people make fun of New Jersey!
These high schoolers are manufacturing airplane parts – I made a bookshelf in shop.
Caitlyn Jenner: Easier to come out as trans than Republican – Not sure if this is funny or sad…ok, it’s funny…maybe a little bit sad.
Driver playing Pokémon GO smashes into Baltimore patrol car – As they say in Jamaica, “He’s going to GO to the pokey mon.”
Protester outside DNC sets flag, then himself on fire. – Must be one of the many college educated Clinton supporters they keep mentioning in the polls.

Woman alleges she was 'sexually assaulted' by Wee Wee toy in hibachi restaurant – I felt molested by the flaming volcanic onion…they need to shut that place down.

National Chicken Wing Day (7/29/16): How to get free, cheap wings at Buffalo Wild Wings – I think I’d prefer to pay for good wings rather than get free cheap wings.

Daredevil to attempt jumping out of plane at 25,000 feet without a parachuteThere is a net, what could go wrong? 

Michigan man accused in recycling scheme inspired by 'Seinfeld,' could go to prison – It can’t be done, I’ve done the math a thousand times, it can’t be done unless you get a truck and gas for free.  You’d have to hijack a postal truck to do that.

___________________________
Come back next week for more
STUPID HEADLINES

Saturday, July 30, 2016

YEEKS GEEKS


I decided my computer was toast so off I went to Best Buy.  I like Best Buy because they are only ten minutes away. 

The Geeks looked at my computer and informed me it would not turn on. 

DUH!

The Geeks told me that it is a bad idea to download MS-10 to an older computer.

DUH!

It was determined that I had to purchase a new laptop.  I picked out one that was a nice size and didn’t have any bells and whistles that I would never ring or blow.  The price was fair and they also offered me a back to college special to save $150.  I let them know I was not going back to college, I was lucky to get out 48 years ago.  I was assured I qualified, everyone qualified.  I asked why don’t they call it an everyone special. 

Mrs. C called me a jerk.

We made the purchase, but it was not in stock.  It would be three days for delivery.  Many of you will understand that three days without a computer is like nothing but bottled water to an alcoholic.  I spend 10% of my time playing guitar, 5% playing golf or exercising (ok 1%) 50% of my time eating or sleeping and 35% of my time on the computer and or watching TV.  Three days is forever.

Then I started whining about losing my files and all my favorites.  The Geeks assured me they could restore the files and my favorites.  When the new computer comes in, bring it to the geeks with the old computer and they will transfer all the good stuff in about an hour.

After three days the computer came in.  I took the old computer to the Geeks and told them what I wanted.  I was told just get the new computer and it would be done in three days.  THREE DAYS?”

Like the Hulk turns green and mean, Cranky turned into SUPERASS!

Yes, SUPERASS…a wild idiot screaming at millennial Geeks, and who disguised as a cranky old man stands for truth, justice and I WANT MY WAY!!

After my tantrum I left the Geeks to “pick up” where my new machine was waiting.  “Pick Up” was 12 feet from the Geeks.  I got my new computer in about 2 minutes and went back to the Geeks where there was now a 20-minute wait.

SUPERASS was warming up again when the manager approached me.  I whined some more telling him if I knew it would take another three days I would have bought a dipstick thingy and had it downloaded and ready for me today.

The manager was good at customer service.  He took off $50 and promised to push the process.  I thanked him, apologized to the very nice young Geek lady and told the Manager to give her a raise for putting up with me.

Late that afternoon I got the call, my new computer was ready.

I went back to Best Buy and waited at Pick Up.  Pick Up told me to go to the Geeks…10 feet away.  There was no one at the Geek area, but I could hear inside a curtain what sounded like a gaggle of Geeks.  Five minutes and no one came to help me.  SUPERASS was boiling over.  I went to the curtain that said employees only and asked if it was possible to get some assistance. 

A Geek came out and he came out with attitude.  He went back behind the curtain to check on my computer and I heard, “That’s the guy I was talking about!”

When he came back he did not have attitude.

The computer is nice, the Geek went over it with me, and all my favorites were right where I wanted them and my files were all saved.

I got home happy, needing to only call Norton to download their protection (I practice safe computer) and then download my MS-Office07 from an old disc.

When I checked the files that they saved I found many files were empty.  Files are great, but it was what was in them that I needed.  I still have the hard drive and perhaps they could still restore the files correctly, but I am done with the Geeks, I can restore the files it will only take time and I have plenty of that.

I then tried to download MS-office from my old disc...WHAT THE HELL! New computer don't accept discs.  Shit, now I have to purchase MS-office again.

Next “One of these days Norton, bang zoom to the moon!”

Friday, July 29, 2016

Laptop Flip Flop


Laptop Flip Flop



I don’t have much luck with laptops.  I have had three since 2008.  They crap out for one reason or another.  My last one was purchased in 2013.  It had an operating system MS-not10.

For the last year, every two hours, Microsoft pops up and says take my MS-10 for free, go ahead download IT’S FREE!! Every two hours I clicked “Go Away” because I was perfectly happy with MS-not10 and I had heard bad things about MS-10. 

Then I got a pop-up telling me my computer was infected and I need to call 1-899-555-fucku or my grandchildren would be sold into slavery and my bank accounts all drained.  This scared me.  I did some research on the net and it said if you call 1-899-555-fucku they will take control of your computer and drain your bank accounts and sell your grandchildren into slavery for real, but if you ignore the message you will be fine.  

I ignored the message.

Then my Norton anti-virus told me it was turned off.  I could not turn it back on (more on Norton another day).  Now I was afraid for my bank accounts and called my children to hide the grand-kids.  Again Microsoft popped up, “take my MS-10 for free, go ahead download IT’S FREE!!

What the hell, I downloaded MS-10.

It worked pretty good, I adjusted quickly and my Norton protection was back on.  My bank accounts were secure, and I was assured all the grand-kids were safely tucked in bed.  All was well in Crankyland.

Except.

When I restarted my computer, it often took several tries.  Turn it off, turn it on two three times and then it came on.  Last week it took about 20 tries and 40 minutes to boot up.  Then it happened again.  Mrs. C told me, the next time you start it up, use the dipstick thingy and copy your files in case the computer will not start again. 

Good advice too late.  It would not restart and I lost a whole lot of files that it will be a pain in the ass to restore…oh well if nothing else I have time. 

I Googled on Mrs. C’s computer and sure enough there were 178 articles claiming that MS-10 when downloaded to older computers will f-them the f-up.

So it was off to Best Buy to have the Geeks tell me that I am screwed, (I swear they can’t do that with a straight face) bite the bullet and buy laptop #4.

Now my mind is fried. 

Battles with Best Buy, Norton and Microsoft to follow.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

I’m Back…almost

I’m Back…almost

My computer problems are almost solved after much angst and a few (lots) dollars.  I will bore you with the details soon.

To me the funniest thing from this whole pain in the butt comes from my last post. At the end of all my posts there is the option to press “Google+” which I always assumed was a way for readers particularly those unable to comment to show they like a post, much like a Facebook like.

My posts seldom get one of these + hits and when they do it has always made me feel good.

My last post simply said, “Due to technical problems ‘Cranky old man’ blog is temporarily out of order.  Be back next week.”

This post got a Google+!!


To the wise guy who +’d my last post…my blog is not required reading.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Out of order

Out of order

Due to technical problems "Cranky old man " blog is temporarily out of order.  Be back next week

Friday, July 22, 2016

L-OMG-OGO


L-OMG-OGO


A cranky opinion for


CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man who quite frankly may be a little disturbed.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but please, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid-head!

I do not consider myself to be a prude.  In fact I am probably a bit deviant.  Still, I don’t get all the hoopla about the Trump/Pence campaign logo.

Apparently the logo represents the T for Trump having intercourse with the P for Pence.  REALLY?

This reminds me of the old joke of the guy taking the Rorschach ink blot test.  Whatever blot he is shown he sees something erotic in it.  At some point the psychiatrist says, “You seem to be rather hung up on pornographic images.”  The patient responds,  "Me? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

I have stared at the Trump logo for a while and yes I do finally see how it could be interpreted as inappropriate. 

I decided to look into past presidential candidate logos and see if Trump is alone in his inappropriate image.

What I found is appalling!

Let me start out with the most obvious and the worst




These may not have been approved by the Nixon campaign…but still!

Then there is this:



Oh wait, that says LIKE…never mind, but what about this disturbing image:



A Kennedy Johnson? Please do I have to spell it out for you?

Or

I don’t know about you, but I see a ménage à trois !

If that is not enough I was outraged by this:

Does that look like a peanut or a penis…take a good look, including the placement…RIGHT?




 Clinton on top of Gore?  What is 96 switched around?  That’s right…appalling!

Republicans with the same disgusting missionary image, and 88 I don’t know but that number seems dirty.  Plus Quayle, a bird in a Bush? COME ON!!


Again with the missionary image, that is so degrading to a woman.



 This time on top of a Bush?  What were they thinking?






And then there is this… "All the way?” Need I say more?


Finally just to be fair in this election season, is it me or is that a phallic arrow piercing the H for Hillary?

Don’t fault me; it is the candidates posting all these dirty logos!

I’m a cranky old man and I approve this post.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Tattoo Do or Tattoo Don’t


Tattoo Do or Tattoo Don’t

Sitting on the beach for the last three plus weeks it seems like everyone has a tattoo.  Tattoos can be kind of stupid as you are stuck with one for as long as you live.  However, at 70 years old, the window for being stupid is almost closed.  Should I get a tattoo?

I hate the full sleeve tattoos; they just look like a blob of ink.  A tattoo should be discernible as some image that defines the person.  Mrs. C is pro tattoo though she has none herself.

She thinks I should get one on my arm…she thinks I still have good arms.

I am going to leave it up to my readers (maybe).  Should an old dude get a tattoo?

I am thinking of either Yosemite Sam,

or Fog Horn Leg Horn,

both cartoons I like. 

Or maybe

Cranky old man Walter,

or the NY Giants.


What do you all think, tattoo or no tattoo, and what should it be?

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

She’s Not Cheap…She’s Thrifty


She’s Not Cheap…She’s Thrifty

Have I mentioned that my wife is thrifty?  Thrifty in a never throw anything away, kind of way, not thrifty in a never buy stuff, kind of way.

I have been chastised for throwing away a used paper towel.  “There was still some clean up left in it!”

I have been shunned for tossing a Popsicle stick. “I may need it to prop up the plant on the window sill!”

I have learned to leave a glass with two ounces of water covered by a paper napkin alone.  “I wasn’t done with that water...and what happened to the napkin!!?”

In our garage we have a 29 year old stroller/ baby carriage, state of the art in its day, garbage today, because “One of my kids may want it someday!” (No way in hell)

I almost tossed a VCR tape re-winder away…OMG did the you-know-what hit the fan.

So when I saw this in the dish drain next to the sink, did I throw it in the trash? 

I may be a slow learner, but eventually I do learn, I left it to dry.

I know the last straw when I see it.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Decisions Decisions


Decisions Decisions


Life is tough.  Yesterday might have been one of the best ever on the Jersey Shore.  The water was 70 degrees, calm as a lake but with an occasional breaker suitable for body surfing.  The water was clear enough to see bottom for up to eight feet away.  The air was warm, the sun bright and the breeze light but coming directly off the ocean providing an air conditioner effect.

However.

There was also a golf championship on TV.  “The Open” actually the “British Open” but the Brits get a bit ruffled about that moniker so the TV has to refer to it as “The Open.”  Anyway “The Open” is one of my favorite tournaments because the courses in the British Isles are so interesting and challenging.  Today’s final featured Phil Mickelson, one of my favorites against Henrik Stenson.  It was an amazing match, great golf by two players who were simply head and shoulders above every other contestant this week.
Phil


The beach or golf?  What to do, what to do?

I did both.  A half hour on the beach or in the water, then race back to the apt. to watch the golf for a half hour.

Eventually Stenson prevailed over Phil even though both players shot a better score than anyone else on this day.  I like Phil because he has a great attitude, has an exciting playing style, and he signs autographs at tournaments until everyone that wants one gets one.

Phil did not lose this tournament, he played well enough to win just about any match; Stenson simply played better.

Anyway, between running back and forth from the ocean to the TV, I got almost as much exercise as any golfer.

It was a win for Stenson, and a win win for me.
Stenson

Sunday, July 17, 2016

RACISM LIVES

RACISM LIVES
This post from July 2012 seems appropriate given recent news.  I believe all lives matter, but I understand the current emphasis on Black Lives matter.  I do not believe police actions toward blacks are necessarily race related, but I am white...I'm pretty sure if  I was not I would better understand the frustration that has fomented the "Black Lives Matter" movement.


We have made many strides towards ending racism in this country during my lifetime.  We now have a black president, many black CEOs, teachers, doctors, and lawyers.  I guess racism is a thing of the past.  There are no more segregated restrooms or restaurants and no forced seating on the back of the bus…and yet…

Chris Rock, my favorite comedian since we lost George Carlin, claims there isn’t a single white person that would change places with him, and, he states emphatically, “I’M RICH!”

Is there still racism in this country?

Several years ago a doctor in our town was arrested for getting belligerent with a police officer.  It turns out he was pulled over in his new BMW three times in one month.  His only offence was DWB (driving while black) he took offence at this offence.

I had a friend at work, Cliff, who was from Panama.  He was a large gentle giant of a man with a quick wit and a big heart. He was very black.  We both lived in Jersey and passed through the same train terminal in Newark every day.  I was talking to him one very hot summer day and mentioned that I would probably stop at the Newark station liquor store to get a cold beer for the train ride home.

Cliff said that he would like a beer as well, but the Newark cops do not allow him to carry an open can of beer through the station.

“What?  I do it all the time, the store puts the container in a plain brown bag and the cops never say anything.”

“You mean they never say anything to YOU.”

“Huh?”

Cliff pulled his glasses down over his nose and peered at me with a stare that said, “You’re kidding right?”

I looked back into his large black stare and it finally hit me… “Oh…duh…DAMN!”

I also worked closely and became good friends with anAfrican-American African-Belizian a black man from Belize. Frank was my go to guy when I didn’t understand something related to our brokerage business.  He knew everything and could explain it so even I could understand it.  We worked a similar schedule and often went to lunch together.

One day in the cafeteria, Frank passed by the dish of the day, fried chicken, and that day’s desert special, fresh watermelon.

“Damn that looks good; I wish I could order it.”

“So what is the problem?  Go ahead and buy it if you want.”

“I guess; but people would make jokes.”

Imagine, an intelligent man not wanting to order the food he likes because he did not want to appear stereotyped!  That is when it became clear to me just how deep and insidious racism still is in the good old USA.

Chris Rock is right, I would like to be rich and famous, but I’m not ready to change places with him.  As only Chris Rock could say it: 

“I think I’ll just see where this white thing takes me.”