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Monday, October 31, 2016

First a scare, then a windfall!

First a scare, then a windfall!
It’s a good thing I check my email spam folder.

Look, most of the stuff in the spam folder is just silly.  If I needed a penis enlargement so desperately, why would so many women named Lola want to hook-up with me?

Sometimes there are some important messages.  I received two such messages today.

This first one from Citi Corp scared me.

Important Not
Because of unusual number of invalid login attempts on you account, we had to believe that, their might be some security problem on you account.
So we have decided to put an extra verification process to ensure your identity and your account security.
Please click on continue to the verification process and ensure your account security. It is all about your security.

Confirm that you're the owner of the account, and then follow the instructions.
Confirm all information, and then access your account as normal.
Thank you. 

(If you cannot click on the link, please move the message into the Inbox).  
They even tell me how to overcome that annoying protection provided in the spam folder! | Fraud Information Center
Please do not reply to this email directly. To ensure a prompt and secure response, sign on to email us.

Citi Corp is protecting me from attempts to access my account and steal my money.  Of course, this scared the bejesus out of me so I immediately signed on and gave them all the requested information.  It is good to know that first, a great corporation like Citi is looking out for me, and second, Citi is doing its part to fight poverty by hiring people into their fraud division that dozents rite Inglish so good.
I told them “thank you for you concernment.”  Then just before I hit send to verify I am who they want to know who I am, Mrs. C reminded me that we do not have any accounts with Citi.

Now if the first message gave me a scare, this one gave me hope. 

  • Attention please,

    I just received an email from Mr. Paul Horn the Director Of Best-Way
    Express Company Benin that the ATM CARD valued the sum of  ($2.5 Million
    Dollars) which I sent to you was returned back due to wrong address
    provided, They need the reconfirmation of the following information's:

    Your Full Name:
    Your Address:
    Your Phone Number:
    Your Age and occupation:

    Contact them with the following information immediately:

    Mr. Paul Horn
    Telephone: +229 99455039

    They will require you to pay for International Delivery Permit Certificate
    fee, please don't hesitate to pay it immediately so they will recommence
    the shipment and also forward you your tracking information to you. Just
    send me a brief email as soon as you received the shipment.

    Your registration code is (BWE/14160/2016), use it as your subject when
    contacting them so they will recognize you and attend to you without any

    Thanks and have a nice day.

    Best Regards

    Mr. John Williams
It seems to me that this is in error as I don’t recall ordering an ATM card for 2.5 million dollars from Benin, that well known African country next to Togo, however I could sure use one.

I am definitely going to send them money to cover the “International Delivery Permit Certificate
When I get my card, I am going to go to the ATM at WaWa’s (because they don’t have a service free) and withdraw all 2.5 million dollars.  I may have to make several trips; that’s a lot of twenties.

Then because I know their security is so thorough I will open an account and deposit all those twenties with Citi Corp.

People, please, always check your spam folder or you may miss out on some very important opportunities!
Holy Cow!! I just received this

Message body

What are the odds? 

Sunday, October 30, 2016



This cranky re-run is from October 2013, 
it is not that great, but the readers comments were fun 

My first name is Joseph.  My parents decided to call me Joe, short for Joseph.  Actually they called me Jody, but I put the Kybosh on that when I was five and saw “Old Yeller.”  The little girl in “Old Yeller” was called Jody.


Joe, short for Joseph, makes sense.

Everyone called my mother Peg, or Peggy.  I was told numerous times, “So your mom’s first name is Margret.”

“No her first name was Mary.”

“But Peg is short for Margaret, not Mary.”

How on God’s green earth is Peg short for either Margaret, or Mary?

This has always bothered me.  Seems I bother easy.

How is Jim short for James?  Should be Jay, or Jame.  What about Bob?  Short for Robert?  No, Rob is short for Robert. Bob is short for Bobert; do you know anyone named Bobert? 

Jack?  Jack is short for John.  Seems to me both are four letters. Jack should just be Jack.  If your last name is Johnson, somewhere along the line you had an ancestor named John.  If your last name is Jackson, might you somehow be related to Johnson?

Glen is short for Glenn.  WTH, just drop one friggin “n” in the first place.

My favorite Aunt was Aunt Nancy…don’t tell any of my other Aunts.  It was a close finish…anyway; my favorite Aunt was Aunt Nancy.  It was not until her funeral that I learned her real first name was Eleanor.

Is Nancy short for Eleanor?

It turns out my Grandmother was an Eleanor.  Her mother demanded that Aunt Nancy, the first daughter, also be named Eleanor.  Grandma relented,

“I will name her Eleanor, but I am calling her Nancy!”

My cousin Nelson, son of Nancy, short for Eleanor, was called Neils.  He didn’t like Neils and opted for Neil.  He didn’t like Neil so he changed it to Nels.  By the time I got used to Nels he changed it to Niles.  When I called him Niles he told me his name was Nils.  You may see him comment on this blog from time to time. 

He comments as Nelson.

How is Chuck short for Charles?  Dick short for Richard?  Betty short for Elizabeth?  Hank short for Henry?  How is Peg short for Margaret; for that matter, how is Meg short for Margaret? 

My friend Gil, short for Gilbert, is called Buddy.  Seems his mother looked at her little baby and could not bring herself to call him Gilbert.  Buddy is long for Bud, which it seems is short for any first name that people do not like, or do not know… “Hey Buddy” could work for any stranger.

Bill is short for William.  How does that happen?  Baby brother had a speech impediment? 

Ted is short for Edward...WTH?

Why do we even have “short for’s” anyway?  If you’re going to call him Jim, just name him Jim. 

It should be simple, but then Cranky is short for Joseph.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Stupid Headlines 103016

Stupid Headlines 103016
It is time again for
Wow, what are the serious crimes?
Stupid Headline Sunday
 This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments. 
Former pastor allegedly tried to choke baby in Wal-Mart – This happens at Wal-Mart all the time what makes it news is the guy was a “Former Pastor!”
Police smash windows of hot car to rescue child, find wig instead – The wig was sent to ER and was released the same day.  The wig is currently reported to be recovering and stable.
Dead or Alive singer, dies at 57 – No comment.
Tiger Woods Doesn't Regret Cheating On His Ex-Wife Elin Nordegren – He is a bit pissed off that he got caught.
Couple ties knot in the nude after bride survives rare flesh-eating bacteria – I’m not sure what any of this has to do with getting married in the nude.  
Giant inflatable Christmas tree faces protests because it looks like a sex toy – Who are these perverts that can see a sex toy out of an inflatable tree? (I just checked it out, it is a little butt-pluggish…whatever that is.)

NY Times reports on 7-year-old's scary dream about Trump – I was sure this was a gag, but sadly it is true.  Now I am voting for Hillary so a 7-year-old won’t have scary dreams.  I wonder are the dreams Trump’s fault, or perhaps the result of overzealous wack-a-doodle parents talking politics in front of and scaring the crap out of their child?

Strangers fall in love after organ donation – Is that what they’re calling it these days?
Clinton's State Department spent $5.4 million on 'crystal stemware' – Hmmm…isn’t Crystal Stemware a porn star?
Man sought for stealing Torah scrolls valued at $200K from synagogue – Maybe 200K to the synagogue, but I think he is going to have a pretty tough time fencing these or putting them on EBay.
California regulates cow farts – I predict a shortage of Beano.
NYC firefighter stages dramatic rescue in fatal blaze - As roaring flames consumed an apartment building in New York City early Thursday, a firefighter dangling from a rope plucked a trapped person from a window on the fifth floor and safely lowered him to the ground.  The rope that colleagues had used to drop him from the roof burned through just 15 seconds after he touched the earth.
Come back next week for more
(and maybe a nice one or two)

Friday, October 28, 2016


A cranky opinion for
The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with limited knowledge of the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but they are wrong.  As always, please, no name calling, that means you, you big stupid-head!
The CEO of Wells Fargo recently decided to step down after his bank got caught creating false accounts and ripping people off in tiny pieces (mostly, I think, service charges.) Poor bastard, it wasn’t his fault, the fraud was all done by lower level managers and clerical workers.  I suspect the scaty-eight million dollars he took with him in bonuses and stock options will help take the sting out of his leaving.
I have to admit, that even though I have read about this case several times I’m not completely sure how much any customers were hurt by the bank’s illegal activity.  I don’t think anyone was beat up badly ala Bernie Madoff, I think there was a lot of nickel and dime expenses but that no one was seriously financially injured.
I believe that is why this fraud went on undetected for so long.
Who I really feel sorry for are the low-level bank employees that helped perpetrate this fraud.  Were these employees bad people?  Did they walk away with scads of money? I don’t think so.  I believe most of the perpetrators were pressed to open new accounts no matter what.  If they didn’t meet their quota they did not get a good review, did not get a raise and were rightfully concerned about keeping their job.
Apparently, everyone at the bank (and I suspect other banks) were pressured to bring in new business.  In effect, everyone was expected to be a salesperson, and an awful lot of people are not cut out as salespeople, I know I am not.
When news about Wells Fargo came out, I was not surprised.  Several years ago, Mrs. Cranky told me the reason she left working at her bank was she was being pressured every day to open new accounts.  She liked her job, she was good with numbers, but she was told to ask every customer questions which directed them or encouraged them to “take advantage of the banks many products.” She was expected to open a certain amount of accounts (think quotas.)
I found that difficult to believe.  How could anyone expect tellers or even their supervisors to have a quota of new products they had to sell? 
Apparently, it was true, and what fries my patoot is I know God damn well that if people were being pressured at every level, then every level on up, especially the CEO, knew about and were responsible for this pressure.
What suddenly set me off about banks abusing of their hard-working, salt of the earth blue collar employees?  Recently I read a comment on an ancient post I was researching for my weekly re-run. 
I found it very interesting, as it relates to this Wells Fargo story and confirms what my wife told me many years ago.  The comment was on a post about a sales job I almost took and why I could not sell something to someone whom I knew did not want what I was selling.
This is the comment made over five years before Wells Fargo was sanctioned for opening unauthorized accounts, mostly by lower -level employees who felt pressured to do so:
“I just left a job at a big bank about 3 months ago (I have another job now) where I had to start selling things to every single customer. this would be fine, if I didn't work in IT/tech support for that bank. customers don't want to get help troubleshooting their quicken/QuickBooks access for 45 mins and then be asked, ‘have you thought about starting a supplemental IRA with us?’

that is so obnoxious.
This comment was on a post from September 2011.  Interesting isn’t it.  I wonder how many thousands of employees’ lives were made miserable by the high-pressure tactics forced on them by the bank’s executives.
I hope the CEO and other high executives of Wells Fargo run into a Mr. Even Steven. 


The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man, and I’m pretty sure management, Mrs. Cranky, agrees.

Thursday, October 27, 2016


 I often hear people make the comment,
“I’ll never understand why someone would spend so much time chasing a little white ball trying to put it into a little hole.”
Now I do understand that sentiment; I often wonder why people sit in a theater and listen to actors semi-sing the lyrics to a story that is done so much better on a movie screen with real dialog, special effects and a really big picture.
Here is the thing about golf, it teaches you much about life.
You Learn:
Life is hard – If just making contact with a club on a little white ball is not enough, golf like life, is loaded with hazards.  Trees, rough, sand, water, trenches…all to test your skill and your temperament.
Practice makes better – Like most of life, there is no perfect in golf.
Keep your head down and your eye on the ball – OK, keeping your head down is not always a good idea in life, but metaphorically it is always a good idea to keep your eye on the ball.
Life is not fair – You learn this when your best drive of the year reaches the water hazard that you thought was out of your range, and you are penalized a stroke for your very best shot.
Karma exist -  You learn this when you hit a horrible shot and it bounces off a tree and onto the green one foot from the cup.
Stay in the now – You are only as good or as bad as your last swing.
Perspective – No matter how bad a player you are, you will find yourself behind a foursome of players that are even worse than you are and taking forever to finish the hole.
Humility – No matter how well you are playing, there is always someone much better…usually in the foursome behind you waiting for your slow ass to finish the hole.
Golfers are the best – I have never met a golfer that was not a really nice person…except for those slow horrible players in the foursome ahead or those impatient asshats in the foursome behind me.

Life should be like golf for this  last one:
Golfers have no race or ethnicity – There are Black people, White people, Asians, Indians, any number of races and cultures, but on the public courses I play, there are only Golfers!  
So, there you have it people who don’t understand golf. 
Now someone just needs to explain to me why I would pay $150 to watch actors pretending to be animals singing every line in the same fake sing-song style of every single musical ever performed, when I could pop in a DVD of “The Lion King” for nothing.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

The Logic Train Does Not Stop At My House

The Logic Train Does Not Stop At My House

Mrs. C complains that I often make fun of her idiosyncrasies.  She thinks she has no idiosyncrasies.  I guess if you don’t call hiding food from you husband, or not wanting to walk on the sidewalk, or dipping your spoon in pudding instead of scooping it, idiosyncrasies, then she is correct.  Just when I get used to one “unusual modus operandi” I uncover another.

The other day my garage door remote was not working.  I figured it needed a new battery, but I also thought we had another remote that would have a good battery.  I looked in a small kitchen storage thingy that is stuffed with assorted papers in little filing slots and then pulls open for extra stuff storage.

I was pretty sure that this is where the second remote was.  When I opened it up, a wad of about 220 old losing lottery tickets spilled out. 

“WTF!” This was not good.

Mrs. C was not home; she was working at a ballroom dance competition.  Mrs. C does not want me snooping around in this cabinet.  I could not stack all those tickets back in a way that would allow me to put them back and also close the door. 

I did find the other remote. 

When Mrs. C called later that day I confessed to her what I did. 

“I can’t close that kitchen cabinet thingy and also put back all your lottery tickets.”

“What were you doing in that cabinet anyway, and don’t you lose those tickets?”

“I was looking for the other garage remote, which I found, and what the heck are you saving those tickets for anyway?”

“Never mind!”

“You’re saving them as a tax write off in case you hit the big one aren’t you.”


“You realize that more than half those tickets are older than a year and couldn’t be used as a write off don’t you?”

“Maybe, just don’t throw them away.”

“As ridiculous as it is to save a fist full of losing tickets so when you hit for $100,000 or more we would only have to pay tax on $99,815, at least let me toss the tickets from last year and older.”

“NO! (exclaimed with a tone bordering on panic) don’t throw any away, they might change the law.”

For my next comment in this exchange I need to tell you that we have a storage unit which cost, I don’t want to say how much, every month where she keeps crap that her kids may want someday.  This shed is full to the brim and may contain about $250 worth of crap that her kids will never want, but say they might.  For the cost of this storage unit over the years I could purchase 10 brand new of whatever is in there.  I look at it as spending “X” dollars every month to keep a happy marriage.  

However, I am not above poking her about it from time to time.

“Maybe we could put the losing lottery tickets in the storage unit,”

“Just put them aside, I’ll fit the back when I get home.”

Then you’ll never guess what she called me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Makes Me Want To Cry

Makes Me Want To Cry

Two years ago, I posted about an unsung hero.

In short, several years ago our accountant and his wife became surrogate parents to a two-year-old girl so she would be eligible for a lifesaving heart transplant.  Then they adopted her and she needed another transplant.  The trials and difficulties they went through were heartbreaking, but they loved this little girl and her health was now turning the corner.  She was going to school and was looking forward to living a normal life.

This made me want to cry for just how special these people were to take on such a huge task for this little girl who was now their own.

This last year when we went to sign off on our taxes we learned the accountant was separated from his wife.   Apparently, the stress and strain of this little girl’s health issues were too much.  They had grown apart, but, he stressed, they were doing whatever needed to not let the little girl feel the pain of the separation, they still made sure to both stay in her life and to continue to do things together as a family.

This made me want to cry because I know how difficult divorce can be, especially when a young child was involved, and I had some special empathy for this man because I knew him to be such a good person.

Today I needed some information on my previous year’s income tax returns.  It is a long story, but Mrs. C uncharacteristically had misplaced our returns.  I called the accountant.  The phone was out of service.  I checked on line for information and received a huge shock.

My accountant had been arrested for forging checks against two of his customer’s accounts.  Going back two year before my post on his heroism, he had been writing forged checks to himself to the tune of $500,000.

I don’t know the whole story, but this was not a dishonest man.  He does not live a lavish lifestyle.  He has no summer house, no plane or boat, hell he worked his butt off most of the year.  

I suspect he had great money difficulties related to the medical expenses of this little girl who had become his whole life.  Maybe his insurance didn’t cover the expenses before the adoption was completed, maybe it didn’t cover enough.  I can only imagine the expense of two transplants (If you are reading this Mike from Montana, how much?)

Whatever the reason, whatever the motive, whatever the pressures, there is no excuse for stealing, any amount of money.  Still, I knew this man to be a good man.  Now I assume he is broke, alone, and at the age of 60+ is probably going to jail and will certainly never work at his profession again.  I feel for him, hell, I fear for him.

He is a good man who made a bad decision for a wonderful cause.

Makes me want to cry.