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Thursday, December 31, 2015

HOW TO BE HERO

HOW TO BE HERO

To tired to write, so here is another re-run.  This is from April 2011, notice what an angry foul-mouth I used to be.

Why is it more admired to be a fuck-up who straightened out his act because it was either that, die, go to jail, or end up as a sewer living bum, than someone who never fucked-up at all?
If you want a standing ovation on today’s talk shows, simply admit to being a recovered anything.

"I used to rape women, but I got help and have not raped a woman in 6 weeks."
 CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! 

"I used to shoot heroin three times a day, and rob little old ladies to pay for my habit, but I got help and have been heroin free for 10 days."
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

"I used to snort cocaine and diddle little boys, but I got help and have been snort and diddle free for 3 weeks."  
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

"I once was a crack smoking, nose picking, non-showering, bulling, alcoholic, peeping Tom, pedophile, raincoat flashing pervert who made a living as a bunko artist preying on crippled widows.  I got help and am now a non-crack addicted, no-nose picking, showered, sweet, friend of Bill who has not peeped in a window, or lured little children with candy for three months.  I make a living counseling addicted, bad smelling nose picking, pedophile perverts."  
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!


EXCUSE ME, I have never raped a woman, shot heroin, robbed little old ladies, snorted cocaine or diddled little boys! chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. 
 "Well…..I did crack my knuckles, but I got help and I have been knuckle crack free for 2 years."  
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

All you recovered asshole worshipers…..FUCK YOU! clap clap clap clap clap.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Playing With Knobs


Playing With Knobs

Not those knobs…What are you thirteen!

I’m talking about Knobs on the TV, knobs on the radio, and knobs and those slidey things on your stereo…remember them?

Today TV’s all seem to come with a perfect picture.  We used to have to play with the knobs. 

“More contrast…make it brighter… too much red… now back it up…now it’s out of focus…there, perfect!”  Of course you usually ended with the same picture you started with, but there was such a feeling of control.

Remember the horizontal and vertical controls?  Just as you got it right the picture would slowly start to do that flipping thing, or you could twist the picture like a fun house mirror.  We only had five channels to choose from, but we could always play with the knobs.

The radio was interesting, especially in the car.  How there were not more accidents I’ll never know.  Tuning in a station took a delicate touch, and if you were traveling you had to find and tune in a new station often.
I think what I like the best were the slidey controller things on your stereo.  Obviously the more slidey things you had, the better was your stereo.  I never knew what they all were, treble, bass, balance, woofer, sub-woofer, volume, twitter, babbler, dabbler, bells, whistles and more.  I could play with those slidey things forever and never get tired of it.  Of course the ultimate sound was always with every single slidey thing smack dab in the middle.

Today’s electronics are so boring.  On/off, channel up, channel down, volume, last station…that is it and nothing to experiment with.  Radio stations either come in, or are out of range, there is no tuning.  Stereos are…what the heck is a stereo?

Modern electronics are great.  There is no fiddling with switches, knobs or slidey things.  Turn on and enjoy.  The picture or sound is what it is; you can’t make it any better.  What a convenience.

Still, I do miss playing with the knobs.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Ban The F-Bomb


Ban The F-Bomb
The other night Mrs. C and I were watching a show where the main character, a famous writer who was having marital issues used the word “Fuck” a lot.  “This fucking this” “This fucking that” “Fuck it” “Fucking car” “Fucking stupid idiot” “Fuck you!”

In one short scene this dude said “Fuck” or “Fucking” about 37 times with a few “Shits” thrown in for good measure.

I am not a prude.  I use bad language in my posts from time to time, but I just felt this was ridiculous.

Years ago the use of the word “Fuck” made a joke funnier, a threat more ominous and a serious situation more serious.  The word has now been watered down.  Punctuating a joke with “Fucking” has lost its punch.  Insulting someone by putting “Fucking” in front of whatever insult you choose adds little extra insult.  Enhancing a point by using the word no longer enhances the point.  Even if you add the ever offensive “Mother-“ in front of the word it just no longer slaps you in the face like it used to.

It is not that I object to the word, it is just that the overuse has ruined the word.

As a young lad I never heard an adult use the word.  My dad never said it in my presence and certainly my mom never said it.  Back in the day, the F-Bomb was a bomb, seldom used but effective when delivered.  Currently the F-bomb is an F-izzle.

We no longer have a word in our linguistic arsenal that delivers the big punctuating blow.  No word that properly conveys the ultimate anger, a threat or is capable of shocking and getting instant attention.

A great verbal weapon has been defused and we have no replacement. 

I offer a new word to be used only as the ultimate threat and for ultimate shock value; “Framinate” or “Framinating!”

If someone really pisses you off, “Framinate you!” might be an appropriate retort to convey real anger.

If you lock yourself out of the house and you lost the key you can say “Gosh Framinating dang it!” to ease your frustration.

If your boss gives you a stupid assignment then he is a “Framinating idiot!”

That is it, problem solved.  We now have a new powerful word to properly express anger, fear or frustration.

Don’t fucking abuse it!

Sunday, December 27, 2015

FRANK A. AND THE MOB - a cranky re-run

FRANK A. AND THE MOB
This cranky re-run is from December 2012


 It seems that everyone loves a good mob story.  Some of the most popular movies of all time are mob movies.  “The Godfather,” “Goodfellows,” and “A Bronx Tale” are classics. “The Sopranos” series put HBO on the TV map.  There is something about the power of evil along with the occasional ability to exact “Mob Justice” that is intoxicating.


One of the most interesting men I have ever known had “Mob” connections.  Frank A. was a clerk in a Wall Street Operations unit I supervised years ago.  His connection to organized crime was through his father whose barbershop was apparently once a popular mob hangout (there is a story of a famous mob rub-out which may have taken place in one of the shops chairs.) 


Frank might just be the nicest man I have ever known.   He may not, however, have been the brightest bulb in the lamp. Because of this he was sometimes taken advantage of by some people with questionable backgrounds.


Frank never did anything criminal, but he was a member of a Masonic Temple-like club and was often called upon to perform minor favors for other members who might have had criminal dealings.  That is as much information as I could ever glean from him.


My favorite story that illustrates Frank’s innocence and somewhat slow wittedness involved a police situation.


Frank was returning to work from lunch in downtown NYC. As he crossed the street he somehow found himself in the middle of a drug bust.  Half the way across the street, a plain clothes cop pulled a gun and pointed it at a suspected drug dealer behind Frank.  “Hold it right there,” the cop yelled. Frank stopped in his tracks and raised his hands.  “Not you, you idiot,” the cop screamed, “Get the hell out of the way!”


Frank told me he thought he was being stopped for crossing against the “don’t walk” sign.


Frank had twin sons who were also a bit on the slow side. One son was being relentlessly bullied by another kid in school.  At some point, his son had enough and popped the bully in the nose. 


That night Frank got a call from the bully’s father.  The man claimed to be a friend of “Joey the Hook” a well-known gangster, and he made a veiled threat to Frank that his house just might “accidentally” catch on fire.


Frank was very upset and scared at this threat, so he called one of his friends from the club.  He called “Joey the Hook.” Mr. Hook apparently did not take too kindly to having his name thrown wantonly about. 
Joey picked up Frank and along with two other friends whom Frank described as “refrigerators with arms and legs” called upon the man who had threatened Frank.
“Say hello to my little friends!”


“Please don’t hurt him,” Frank implored. 


“Naw, we won’t hurt him none, we just want to provide some disincentive for him to use my name.”


Frank rang his tormentor’s doorbell with the three gentlemen by his side.  The man who claimed to know “Joey the Hook” opened the door and was greeted by Joey himself.


“I understand youse suggested to my good friend Mr. A here that I “Joey the Hook,” was a friend of yours and further that as your friend I might be inclined to cause harm to Mr. A here.  I want to assure you that that is very unlikely.  Mr. A is an old friend to whom I owe several favors.  One favor if he so indicated it would amuse him, might be to cause distress to your person.  Do I make myself clear on this issue of causing harm to one’s friends?”


Frank told me that you could actually see the blood drain from the man’s head as he stammered his assurances to Joey that it was all just a joke and he meant no harm.


“Yeah, sure, a joke…” and everyone laughed except the man at the door, and Frank who was still afraid that his friends might hurt his kid’s bully’s father.


Organized crime and its members can be very scary, but when they use their muscle against a bully to protect an innocent, nice man like Frank, it is easy to see how they are sometimes characterized as “the good guys.”

Oh, and Frank's kids were never bullied at school again. 

Saturday, December 26, 2015

STUPID HEADLINES 122715


STUPID HEADLINES 122715

It is time again for
What are the odds?
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  



________________________


Polluted nuclear weapons site to become tourist destination – I’ve heard glowing reports about this tourist destination.

Wrong contestant crowned at Miss Universe 2015 – I mean the winner is such as from a country that is I mean like the USA of America is not the winner such as the real country that is the winneriest personal victor such as it is someone…like…you know?


This deal’s a real gem: Buy a diamond, get a shotgun – She had better say yes!

Two extinct snakes spotted swimming off Australia’s coast – EXTINCT –vanished, lost, died out, no longer existing, no longer extant, wiped out, destroyed, gone.” So?


Saudi Arabia reverses decision to stone maid for adultery, Sri Lanka claims – How very tolerant, she is only going to jail…meanwhile old dudes marrying toddlers and diddling little boys seems to be quite alright.

US quietly maneuvers to cut UN dues – Would that make them the un-dues?

Woman arrested after fighting with husband who wouldn’t stop farting – Husband claims, “She wouldn’t stop pulling my finger!”


Wife bites off husband’s ear during argument about beer, cops say – “Tastes great”…“Less filling”…“Tastes great”… “Less filling” Is it really worth an ear?

Blind, elderly dog named ‘Christmas’ rescued from a well – “What is it Timmy, what are you trying to say?  Is it Christmas?”

“What are you, deaf I’m telling you Christmas fell in the well!”

San Diego police search for 400-pound bearded woman suspected of stabbing man – That might just narrow down the list of suspects a bit.

Dutch driving instructors can trade lessons for sex – Kind of gives new meaning to “Going Dutch.”

Shirtless Vladimir Putin calendar goes on sale in Russia – I know the winters can be long and cold in Russia, but…


________________________

Come back next week for more:


 STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

Friday, December 25, 2015

WHEN I BECOME FAMOUS - a cranky re-run

WHEN I BECOME FAMOUS
This cranky re-run is from December 2012

This holiday season I saw numerous products sold by famous people.  What does Justin Bieber know about scents? What does Kim Kardashian know about fashion?  Did these people go to fashion school; did they go to “Smelling-good” university?  I think they only sell stuff because they are famous.  It made me think, what will I sell in case I ever become famous?  Here are my ideas:


OLD SPICEY DUDE  A cologne for cranky old men - A musty, dusty, smell with a hint of grandma’s parlor, old cigars and a touch of gas.


CRANKY TEE SHIRTS  A collection of loosely fitted sleeveless white tee shirts with cranky old man sayings in blurry print:


            “Help, I’ve fallen and I forget which way is up!”


            “I coulda kicked your ass 20 years ago!”


            “If found, please return to a young rich lady with big hooters”


CRANKY BIG FOAM FINGER – Never mind the “we’re #1”; this large foam middle digit lets you flip the bird even with arthritic hands.


A COMB-OVER TOUPEE  For old geezers that want to look younger, but still fit in with their crowd.


CRANKY CRANKY OLD DUDE BOARD GAME - Choose your token piece; a walker, a pair of shoes with the laces tied together, or a Li’l Rascal scooter.  Roll the die to see who can advance 20 squares and go from your bed to the TV in the den.  Watch out for road blocks!  “You hit a shag carpet, lose a turn” or “You crapped your drawers, go to the John, do not pass the handicapped ramp; do not collect your SS check."


These are just a few of my ideas to strike it rich.  All I need is fame and an agent!      

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

That Magical Time of Year


That Magical Time of Year

I have to admit, I am getting too old for Christmas.   This is still my favorite time of year; I just choose to sit back and enjoy it and not participate in much of the traditions. 

As a child I could not wait for Christmas morning, it was the most magical day of the year.  It was made magical by my parents who put up lights and decorated after Thanksgiving, but saved some of best stuff for Christmas Eve when little people were in bed.  The tree was decorated, but overnight it magically was covered with extra tinsel and adorned with candy canes.  Where did they come from?  The stockings were empty at bed time, but in the morning they were bursting with candy and other goodies.  The tree was lonely at night, in the morning there were dozens of presents wrapped and scattered around it. 

My brothers and I could not descend the stairs to see the magic without first waking mom and dad.  We shook them and serenaded them with “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”  It always amazed me that they were not as excited as were we to see the magic.  The smell of coffee, pancakes and bacon for breakfast which always preceded any present opening, only added to the magic and the anticipation.

When I became the parent, I tried to carry out the same traditions and create the same magic.  I also learned why it was so hard to wake my parents up on those magical mornings…I don’t know about my parents, but I generally was still sleeping off a snootful of eggnog heavily laced with scotch.

Currently without children in the house I see no need to make the magic.  Mrs. C and I don’t even put up a tree or stockings.  I did suggest we put something green on the front door,

“You know, to keep the Jews from leaving a Christmas dreidel.

“You idiot, that’s Passover, it has nothing to do with Christmas, the Jews celebrate Chanukah and they don’t leave dreidels by doors without anything green!”

“Well we should put something green on the door anyway.”

“I agree, buy a wreath and hang it up…JERK!”

Merry Christmas everybody!

No matter how you worship, it is a magical time of the year.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

FOOTBALL COACH SPEAK


FOOTBALL COACH SPEAK
With the college bowl season upon us and the NFL playoffs on the horizon I offer for you casual fans the following explanations of the football talk you will be hearing from coach interviews.

“We are going to play ‘Smash Mouth Football.’”  - These guys are faster and more athletic than we are so we will try and beat them by playing dirty.

“We just need to execute better.”  -  We are being totally outplayed and I have no idea how to make any adjustments to beat them.

“Turnovers are killing us.”  -  Our ball carriers cannot hold on to the ball and our quarterback has happy feet and is making bad throws.

“Our quarterback has happy feet.”  The quarterback is afraid of being hit.

“We just have to improve our tackling, too many missed tackles out there.” – Their running backs are too fast and are faking us out of our jockstraps.

“Special teams are going to determine the winner.”  - No one can move the damn ball, the team with the best punter and place kicker will win.

“Our guys just don’t want it badly enough.” – Those guys are bigger, faster and better coached than we are.

“Penalties are killing us.” – I should have done a better job of coaching.

“Our front four needs to do a better job of rushing the passer.” – Our defensive line sucks.

“We need to do a better job of containing the run.”  - That big friggin tight end is manhandling our defensive end.

“We just have to play our game and not panic.” – We are in deep doo doo.

“We have to establish the run.” – We can’t move the ball passing it, we better do something.

“We have to do better in the red zone.”  - We can’t score when we get close to the goal line.

“They put their pants on the same as we do, one leg at a time.” – They are going to kick our ass, have you seen the size of those guys?

“We just have to buckle our chinstraps and go get them!”Nobody has a clue what this means.

Enjoy the games everybody!

Monday, December 21, 2015

WATCH THIS!


WATCH THIS!

Who wears all the watches?  I don’t wear a watch.  I’ve only owned two in my life, both were gifts and I found them a pain in the neck to wear.

I understand years ago wearing a watch.  Years ago a clock was not always handy.  These days there is a clock on your TV, a clock on your car radio, a clock on your microwave, your stove, your computer and virtually anything that has power has a clock.  There is a clock on your cell phone and who goes anywhere without their cell phone?

It is Christmas time and all through the TV there are ads for watches.  Rolex, Timex, Movado, Swatch, Bulova, Seiko, Pulsar, Citizen, Coach, Rado, Gucci, Michael Kors.  The number of brands goes on and on, and each brand sells a variety of watches.  They sell watches in different sizes, colors, shapes and a variety of faces. There are dress watches, casual watches, sports watches, crazy watches, and specialty watches of all kinds.

When I walked through Macy’s the other day, I was floored by the number of watches.  There were at least three huge tables with watches on display.  There were hundreds maybe even thousands of different watches.

Who wears all these watches?  I don’t wear a watch.  Mrs. C owns one watch, a cheap thing she straps to her carryon when we travel.  I have never seen any of my children wearing a watch.  Most people I know that do wear a watch have been wearing the same watch for ten years.

I understand the smart watch; that could be pretty convenient if you are young enough to read the tiny print on the face, but otherwise they seem to me to be a pretty archaic devise.  How do so many companies stay in business making and selling watches?

Who is buying all these watches?  

Saturday, December 19, 2015

STUPID HEADLINES 122015


STUPID HEADLINES 122015
COME TO TEXAS - "We won't kill you if you didn't do it."
It is time again for

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY


 This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  


________________________


Drum kit Ringo Starr used in Beatles hits sells for $2.2M – Money well spent if it keeps RIngo off it.

Canada's Liberal government promises to legalize marijuana – Dude, pass the chips eh!

New study reveals eating burnt food may increase your chances of getting cancer – I knew it!  My first two wives were trying to kill me.

Does the Elf on a shelf contribute to the surveillance state? I thought this story was going to be a goof, but no, it is an actual concern and there was a real study.  What a great country that this is what we have to worry about.

Irish county hopes free lollipops will stop drunken brawls, accidents – I think this will only increase sucker punches! (That’s for you Hilary.)

FAA announces drone registration rules as report highlights soaring dangers – Yes!! Thank you http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2014/11/drone-as-in-moan_22.html

Bill Cosby sues 7 of his accusers – Apparently he has no case against the other 756 accusers.

Exceptional deep-sea find: ship that once held ancient condiment – If they are that old, I wouldn’t trust them. 

What? Oh you mean like ketchup? Never mind.

Woman is wounded in stabbing at a Florida nudist resort – I only hope it wasn’t a concealed weapon.  (Think about it.)

Naked Man Allegedly Tries To Carjack A FedEx Truck, But That's Not The Funny Part – The dude didn’t know how to drive the truck!  He was arrested because he fit the description NAKED!!

Muslim judge sworn in on Koran in New York – I cannot figure out why this is news.  What else would you use to swear in a Muslim?

Tiny kitten rescued from conveyor belt at California recycling plant – One down, eight to go.

Ivy leaguers sign 'petition' to repeal First Amendment – If this petition gets its way, all the signers can be arrested for taking part in the new illegal act of petitioning.

Putin praises Trump as an 'outstanding, talented' man – Another valuable endorsement.  This should balance off criticism from Michael Moore.

Saudi millionaire who said he 'fell' on teen and 'accidentally penetrated' her cleared of rape – Ahh, the old accidental penetration defense, works every time…if you’re a millionaire in Saudi Arabia!


Isis -- the pharma company -- changes its name – Company is changing its name to “Famous Hitler’s Drugs and Shit.”


_______________________________


 Come back next week for more:



 STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!