OLD PEOPLE ON A BIG BOAT
Mrs. Cranky loves cruise ships. They are not my favorite, but I have enjoyed this latest trip. One thing there is plenty of on a cruise ship is people watching. On this trip I have particularly done a lot of old people watching, because this cruise is about seventy-five percent old people.
I know what you are thinking, “But Cranky, you are an old people!”
True, but I don’t feel like one, not on this boat. On this boat (yes they are called ships Uncle Skip) anyway, on this big boat, compared to the other old people, I am a young pup.
Old People on boats think everything should be like on luxury cruises of the 1950’s. They dress to the nines for dinner every night and make sure to complain about those who don’t. I hear them on the elevator, “Honestly, this one man came to dinner with shorts and a plain tee shirt!”
OMG, how could you enjoy a four course meal when someone three tables over was wearing shorts?
Old men on boats believe that if they comb four strands of hair from their left ear all the way over to their right ear they are not bald. It is a very strange look. Some old dudes take their comb over’s from both sides and slick them back to the famed duck’s ass of years gone by. A little tuft in front, bald on top and sides combed back to meet in a style that went out when James Dean bought the farm. Nice look dude!
Another observation is that if you want old people to get up and move you only have to play Chubby Checker and “The Twist.” This music magically lifts old people up and onto the dance floor where they can show “these young folk how we used to do it.” Like doing the twist is complicated. You stand on the balls of your feet, and you what? That’s right, YOU TWIST!
There is always one old dude who thinks he can still twist down to the floor. He can’t. Halfway down he gets embarrassed and barely makes his way back up.
Finally, old people on big boats all pay for the drink package. Old people all try and get their money’s worth from the drink package. Old people who get their money’s worth from the drink package think they are very entertaining, especially when they have a captive audience on the elevator. They make it known that they have been drinking a lot, and treat those who have not as losers.
One old dude was on the elevator at 11 AM bragging about being drunk for the whole cruise. He looked at me and my normal cranky elevator face and said,
“I’ve been drinking for a week, you should try it.”
I told him, “I tried it every day for fifteen years and it really didn’t work out all that well.”
Actually I didn’t say that, but I wanted to.
That’s my Old People on a big boat observation. I have sworn that even though I am old, I will never be “Old People on a big boat old.”