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Sunday, November 15, 2015

I NEED A FILTER - a cranky re-run

I NEED A FILTER
This cranky re-run is from November 2011 and has had about zippity doo da hits, so I will try it again.

A while back, I was visiting a friend and his wife whom I knew married years ago in somewhat of a hurry.  In an attempt to open a bottle of wine he was looking for a specific tool.  He asked his wife “could you hand me that rubber thing?”  I immediately responded, “If you had asked that question 40 years ago, you might not be married today.”
I need a filter.

This is why I do not like large parties with people I do not know very well.  I need a filter.  In lieu of a filter I often just shut the F up.  People often ask, “Why are you so quiet?” Mrs. Cranky just interrupts with, “You really don’t want to know.”

People who know me realize that I am harmless.  If given the opportunity I will make fun of anybody and any subject. Those whom are politically correct will gloss over stereotypes and controversial subjects.  I believe in attacking stereotypes and touchy subjects by either making a joke or just discussing a subject without a filter.  Avoiding subjects is to keep them in the closet.

RT - I like everyone I have ever met, and HATE everyone else.

My parent’s generation never mentioned the subject of homosexuality.  Every family had a “confirmed Bachelor Uncle” or a “spinster” Aunt.  Families did not have Gay friends or relatives.  I was twenty years old before I knew that a gay lifestyle even existed.  How’d that work out?  Pretty good if you were straight, not so good I’m guessing if you leaned in the other direction.

I know people who claim to be “Color Blind.”  “Oh I never notice if a person is white, brown, yellow or green.”  Yes you do!  It’s the first thing you notice.  When I’m at a party and a green person walks in, I notice right away!  “Look, a green person!”  

I need a filter.

When I meet a woman with a nice rack or a great butt, I will tell them.  “If you don’t mind me saying, you have a really nice ass.”  It is amazing how many women are not offended by such a comment.  However, some do not appreciate the attention.

I need a filter.

I do try and have a filter when I am around people I just met. Here are some comments that got caught in my “Cocktail Party Filter.”

To the snotheads who put down great artwork as being “low-brow” and infantile: 

“Fuck You, I love the ‘Dogs playing Poker’ and the ‘Cats with giant eyes’!

To the homeowners that are the “Good taste police”:

“I like plastic pink flamingos and mirror balls on a pedestal and I’m proud of it!”

To the “Thought patrol ass-holes” that want to protect everyone else from provocative thought or language:

“Screw you, Howard Stern is a fucking genius, and you’ve probably never heard his actual broadcast you PC moron!”

To the sports purists who make fun of anything not soccer, football, baseball, basketball, or golf:

“I like bowling thank you very much, and it is the only sport where you can drink and smoke while you participate.”

To the wine snobs of the world:

“I love the convenience of twist off caps and a box with a spigot.  Deal with it!”

To anyone political:

“I may not like his politics either, but it is PRESIDENT Bush or PRESIDENT Obama.  Show some respect Dickhead!

And finally, to the TV snobs who “Only watch PBS”:

“Then you will go to your grave without gaining the infinite wisdom of JUDGE JUDY!!”   

I need a filter.    

12 comments:

  1. I agree with fishducky.
    Judge Judy is awesome, I bought her book once, haven't got a clue where it is now.

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  2. No filter should be needed. If someone disagrees, that person can still be your friend and politely disagree. If s/he has a brain, that is.

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  3. Filtered people are synonymous with boring.

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  4. Unfiltered is best.

    (Are you up to zippity doo da hits yet? Can't believe this didn't get much attention when originally posted. So, who did you piss off?)

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  5. I agree with everyone thus far. Filters are not your style. Wine snobs are the worst. Can they really tell or would they do all their antics over mouth wash if in a wine bottle. They smell it, swirl it, sip it, and swish it in their mouth. (Well of course, it's mouth wash)

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  6. I just like people who say what they mean, and mean what they say - because I'm one of them, too.
    LOL - Mrs. C's reply: "You don't want to know!"

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  7. You and I would get along fine. I'm unfiltered most of the time too. It's grand fun.

    Have a fabulous unfiltered day. ☺

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  8. Is this where I confess my secret crush on Dr. Laura?

    Actually, you remind me of the time when my at-the-time-girlfriend's parents took her and me out to dinner at a nice place in Greektown Chicago. I was a newly-legal consumer of alcoholic berverages, and they ordered a bottle of a nice blush wine that was quite tasty. When the first bottle was gone, they ordered another. And after a few glasses, I began to notice that my state of consciousness was not what it had once been, and that I was yelling 'Opaa!' with just a little too much gosto when another table's saganaki was set aflame. So I reasoned to myself, "the next thing I say is highly likely to be stupid, so I'll just clam up." And that's what I did. I vaguely recall her mother leaning over to her father saying, "I tell ya, Manny, he's drunk; we gotta get him outta here." I probably don't need to tell you that that girlfriend didn't become my wife. So, too tight a filter doesn't always work well, either. . .

    ;)

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  9. Fishducky is right. You're much better unfiltered.

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  10. You are amongst friends here, Cranky. You can loosen your belt and take off your filter!

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  11. At least you didn't tell Mrs. Cranky that you loved her skirt, because it reminded you of a circus tent. Let the record show that I called my husband more than a JERK, and hit him in the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper at a distance of 15 feet.

    Let the record further show that I was NOT on the toilet, but laying down in a waterbed, feverishly sick with a virus, and using that roll of toilet paper for nose-blowing, because apparently Walmart would not sell Kleenex to anybody else but me.

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