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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

THINGS I WANTED TO SAY


THINGS I WANTED TO SAY


We all know Mr. Rogers would NEVER do that!

Through the years there have been questions, comments or statements that I was never in a place where I could speak my mind.  It’s never too late, here is what I wanted to say, it just feels good to let it out.

To Mr. Dunham, my fifth grade teacher when I got caught sneaking out of school with Johnny Pear, to have lunch at the local deli instead of in the cafeteria.  My excuse was Johnny wanted to do it.  I was asked,

“Would you jump off the empire state building if Johnny wanted to do it?”

I said, “No Mr. Dunham.”

When I wanted to say,

“Dude, lunch at a deli…certain painful death…isn't that an apples and oranges kinda thing…ya dumb shit!”

In seventh grade, I was caught giggling in the back of Mr. Franks home room and asked,

“Would you mind telling the rest of us what is so darn funny?”

I said, “Nothing Mr. Frank.”

When I wanted to say,

“Jerry just farted, it was a silent but deadly and it really stinks.”

In the eighth grade and Miss Chiarella caught me whispering with Tommy Olson,

“What are you whispering about?”

I said, “Nothing Miss Chiarella.”

When I wanted to say,

“We were just discussing how perky your breasts were today.”

To my high school football coach who said,

“Goll dang it Hagy, you just don’t want it bad enough”

I said, “Ah...er...sorry coach.”

When I wanted to say, “Yes sir, that and the other guy is forty pounds bigger than I am and faster to boot.”


To my college English professor who took off ten points on an essay asserting that,

“You cannot have a paragraph with less than three sentences!”

I answered, “Yes sir, sorry sir.”

When I wanted to say,

“Fuck you!...Is that a paragraph?”

To my boss who wanted me to resolve 175 booking discrepancies before noon and said,

“I don’t care how you get it done, just get it done.”

I said, “Yes sir.”

When I wanted to say,

“No wonder you are in a managerial position; you have such expert guidance and motivational skills.  I know, I’ll just tell the guys ‘I don’t care how you do it, just get it done’…you stupid asshole!”

To the annoying overweight lady who stopped me during a smoke break outside of my office and said,

“Do you know smoking is bad for your health?”

I responded, “Yes, I am trying to quit.”

When I wanted to say,

“Yes, it is probably almost as unhealthy as stuffing your fat face with doughnuts and cheese cake you morbidly obese busybody!”

To my ex-wife who every time she got in an argument with someone  would end up screaming at me,

“Why don’t you ever step up to the plate for me?”

I would say, “I'm sorry dear, you’re right.”

When I wanted to say,

“Because you are always so obviously over the top unreasonably inappropriate and out of touch with reality WRONG it is all I can do to say nothing at all!”

To the cop who pulled me over and asked,

“Do you know how fast you were going?”

I said, “No sir, was I over the limit?”

When I wanted to say,

“I was doing 65 in a 55 zone, you know it, I know it, give me the damn ticket and stop playing your Officer Asshole bullshit!”

How about you?  Got anyone you care to blast?  Go ahead, I won’t tell.

21 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm sure I could come up with a list, but I'd dare not put any of it in print. Ever.

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  2. My problem is, I often say exactly what I feel and then wonder why I don't win popularity contests.

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  3. take a deep breath, cranky. let it go... :)

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  4. Ha! Funny. I'll have to get back to you with some specifics, but this reminds me of the guy who was asked at a job interview what he felt his worst character trait was. He replied, "My honesty." The interviewer said, "I don't think honesty is a bad thing at all." The guy answered, "I don't give a shit what you think." :)

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  5. Your mind and my mind are so alike in these kinds of situations. I've been polite, but I was thinking things that were not polite at all. Thanks for the laughs this morning.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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  6. Glad you could get all that off your chest! I've found I often think of the most clever things to say later.

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  7. I liked the perky breasts comment, LOL. I talk a lot in my head with situations and I'm afraid to incriminate myself to say anything here :)

    betty

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  8. When my 89 year old mother asks me what I'm going to do with all the money she plans on leaving me (I'm sure she'll find a way to take it with her) I tell her I'll keep it in the bank and pass it along to our son. Instead, I'd like to tell her I plan on spending it like a sailor on shore leave!

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  9. Paragraph!
    Paragraph?
    I'll show you a stinking paragraph!!!

    There.
    That's three paragraphs...
    ...and I hope you don't like it!

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  10. Feeling better now, buddy? (Oh, shit, I don't want to hear your reply!)

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  11. Was it Danny Thomas who used to do an "I shouldda said" routine?

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  12. You very wisely excluded any conversations with Mrs. Cranky. <--- paragraph 1

    You ain't dumb! ;) <--- paragraph 2

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  13. Definitely not the better angels of our nature....:)

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  14. Most of what goes through my head on a daily basis would get me fired at the very least.

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  15. I counted two sentences as a paragraph when I was in the business. Especially if one or the other used a semi colon.

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  16. I just hate it when my courage and my brain go on vacation when I need them and show up all smart and sassy at two a.m.--and laugh at me.

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  17. Sadly,as long as my sentences usually are, one is a paragraph.
    You have obviously made it this far in life un-bruised by stifling your thoughts. Smart man-- there is always blogging for relief.

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  18. Some of the things I wanted to say I went ahead and said, and this didn't always turn out well, so with that said I had best keep to myself the other things I should have said, since you already said what you should have said.

    Hope this helps Joe.

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  19. Love the paragraph comment. Ohhh yes, there are plenty of things I wish I would have said out loud to people when they pissed me off….but it would take an entire blog post for me to do it. Actually, it would take up a book.

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  20. I've been asked that speeding question five times. Back during my misspent youth, of course. The one time I really had reason to speed, at the end of passing a truck pulling a trailer loaded with cattle on the only straight stretch for 20 miles, I stopped trying to appear innocent.

    "Do you know how fast you were going?"

    "Pretty fast."

    Not that I was bragging or anything.

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  21. Well, ya know, too often I've said what I mean over the years. That what people like me do.


    And, well, we know what that's good for, eh?

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