This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Lazy, For Lack of a Better Word, is Good!

Lazy*, For Lack of a Better Word, is Good!
A fellow blogger, Arkansas Patti, recently admitted in a comment to being lazy.  She was unapologetic about being lazy; in fact she felt the world needs more lazy people.  I have admitted many times to myself being a lazy person.  In the past I have been ashamed of being lazy.  Arkansas Patti has made me reevaluate that position.

Lazy people do not start wars.  If more world leaders were lazy we would have no wars.  Throughout history, those damn energetic people who want to do stuff and control things have started wars and created havoc. 

A lazy Adolph Hitler for instance would still have hated Jews, but he would have been too lazy to act on his hate.  

If Christians of medieval times were lazier, there would have never been The Crusades.  They would have just left a few flyers on Muslim doors, “Hey, give Christ a try…or not.”

Energetic people don’t invent things, lazy people do.  Energetic people move heavy stuff by pushing like hell.  A lazy person invented the wheel; he was too lazy to push like hell. 


Energetic people were perfectly happy to travel many miles to deliver a message.  Alexander Bell, that lazy bastard, invented the telephone to save time and energy.

I am proud to be lazy.  I am easy to please.  I don’t need much, just food and sleep.  I don’t cause trouble, I don’t speed on the highway, I don’t make a lot of noise, I don’t complain.  All that stuff requires effort.  I don’t put much effort into anything.  I’m lazy.

If everyone was lazy, we would all do only what was required to survive. Plant some food, build a shack, eat, sleep, and procreate.  There would be no reason to accumulate stuff, no need to keep up with the Joneses, hell, the Joneses are lazy too.

Gordon Gecko was wrong.  Greed is bad.  Greed takes energy and work and causes subversive behavior.

Lazy, for lack of a better word, is good.

*For all you energetic successful people, relax, this was sarcasm...sort of

Monday, September 29, 2014

I MUST BE GETTING OLD - a cranky re-run

This week's re-run is from September 2012 

They say 60 is the new fifty. Then fifty used to be fricking old. I’m sixty-six and without looking in the mirror there are many signs that I am getting old:

I used to think about sex every 10 minutes; now I have to be reminded once a week.

I used to root for the Yankees as if my life depended on it; now I think, “Wouldn’t it be nice if the Orioles won for a change.” (I KNOW!)

I used to play and practice golf at every chance I had; now it’s “maybe tomorrow.”

I used to want a fast boat, a sports car, a big house, and a ton of money; now I think all of that would involve a lot of work.

I used to want to spend more time with my kids; now an hour with a grandchild will do.

I used to wake up raring to go; now, I wake up needing to go.

I used to think new stuff was really cool; now new stuff pisses me off.

I used to get all riled up over politics; now I figure it’s someone else’s problem.

I used to bowl a lot and I hated the 10 pin; OK that hasn’t changed.

I used to think 21 was young; now a young person is anyone under 45.

I think that Meryl Streep is hot; while Lindsey Lohan is a snot.

I used to invest based on potential for big gains; now high interest rates and big dividends get me excited.

Everywhere I go I see buildings that “Used to be” something else.

When they play “Oldies but Goodies” I’ve never heard of them.

The last thing that makes me positive that I am getting old is….ah…I’ll get back to you on that one.

Sunday, September 28, 2014



It is time once again for
Breathalyzer measured "Gassed!"

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo. 'None of the above' may be a correct answer.



Man Orgasms 100 Times Per day – What a day!!

Miss New York crowned Miss America for third year in a row – The lone judge who voted for Miss Kansas woke up with a horse head in his bed.

Cop's Tip For Not Getting Raped By A Cop: 'Don't Get Pulled Over' – Or, keep a box of jelly donuts on the passenger seat.

Calf With '7' On Forehead Gets Football-Inspired Name – Touchdown?

Man proposes marriage via skywriting…woman responds with plane towing ‘NO!’ – I guess they were both speechless!

Long Lost High School Sweethearts Marry 63 Years Later – Lost or in hiding?

College orders fraternities to become coed – Puts a Nu meaning to “Thank you sir, may I have another.”

College to put $1M roof on building set to be demolished – It must be the Economics Department Building.

Groundhog dropped by New York City Mayor de Blasio died a week later – From now on, all New York groundhogs must be equipped with handles.

Postal carrier accused of hoarding 40,000 letters –

Kansas approves sex toy auction to settle tax debt – Dildos for dollars.

Gas Prices Continue Pullback Despite Middle East Turmoil – Clearly a case of big oil collusion.  I demand a government inquiry!


Last week’s fake headline was:

Buzz Aldrin, “Moon Landing Real, I Have Green Cheese to prove it” – I think I know who is sending those Nigerian Prince e-mails.

The Winners Are:

oh, heck, i'll go for green cheese since i'm a cheesehead by birth.

A Cheesehead?  This shouldn’t even count!  Oh well, visit TWG @ for the best photo blog from someone not named Hilary.    


Joe, I need to kill my new Google news feed. I've read every one of these, except Buzz Aldrin and his green cheese. The man has nothing to prove.
Maybe you could switch to Al Jazera news, instead of Fox.

I have reported Joanne to Homeland Security, find her @ before she is pulled in for questioning.


OK, I'm back--I'll go with the green cheese. Unless the craters in the moon are actually swiss cheese holes!!

She’s Baaaaack! Find fIshducky @ Because we can all use a little fishducky in our life.


Well, you'd better believe Buzz Aldrin, or he'll punch you in the face! Still...I can't see him making the green cheese statement. I'm bobbing and weaving and calling Buzz Aldrin the fake.

Apparently green cheese and auction meat don’t go well together.  Look for Val @ She is like a box of chocolates cause…well, you know.


Damn I was gonna go for whatever Sandee went for :-)
I will go for Moon Landing Real, I Have Green Cheese to prove it

Got it even without Sandee’s help! Go to @ for a daily laugh.   


                       Stephen Hayes

                      Green cheese sounds bogus to me.

                      Im in trouble when I can’t even fool Stephen.

For some of the best stories in the blogesphere visit my liberal friend @ sometimes even his politics makes sense!



Buzz Aldrin, “Moon Landing Real, I Have Green Cheese to prove it”, is my pick this week. I just can't guy this one.

Have a fabulous day Cranky. :)

AGAIN!! Good jokes everyday @ I think Sandee might be fishducky in disguise.

Saturday, September 27, 2014



A Cranky Opinion For


The Following is the opinion of a cranky old man with no particular expertise on the subject opined. Opposing opinions are welcome...they will be ignored, but they are welcome, and as always, please, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid head.

I don’t like dancing, but it doesn’t make me angry. I even watch "Dancing With The Stars" because Mrs. C’s hobby is ballroom dancing and she works for a dance studio.

I don’t like sewing, but it doesn’t make me angry. I even appreciate the things that skilled sewing provides.

I don’t like fashion and fashion shows, they seem pretentious and silly, but they don’t make me angry. I even watch "Project Runway" with the wife.

I don’t like opera. I don’t like Broadway Shows, I don’t like Ballet, I don’t like concerts, but none of these things make me angry, and I will from time to time go to these events. Sometimes I even enjoy myself.

There are thousands of hobbies and events that I do not particularly like or understand. None of them make me angry.

I watch a lot of TV. I often read posts where people claim to not only dislike TV, but their tone would make you believe that TV actually makes them angry, and they seem to convey a certain superiority for not liking TV.

Football makes some people angry. Oh yes it does, I’ve seen it with many wives including two ex-wives. They hate that their husbands get enjoyment from watching football and other sports.

Golf makes some people angry…oh yes it does too; I was married to someone that actually got angry if they saw it on TV.

Politics makes people angry. Disagree with someone’s politics and you are a stupid non-thinking automaton. There is no other explanation, the other guys political opinion is always based on greed and or stupidity.

Religion makes people angry. Some people get so angry about religion they will kill you if you don’t believe as they do. Some people just get angry if people have any belief in a higher power at all.

I get it, you don’t like some things, or you have a different opinion from others. Do you have to get angry about it? Are you so superior that anyone who thinks differently from you has to be a moron? Is there no room for different points of view?

“Look at that jerk; he’s wearing a striped shirt and checkered pants, what a bozo!” Hey, maybe he likes that look. Maybe his wife likes that look. Maybe some people just have different tastes. Why is your taste the correct one?

There are cultures that get up in your face when they talk. If you back away they are insulted. Other cultures are insulted if you don’t respect their personal space. Wars have been fought because space respecters back away from close talkers. Personal tastes and cultures are incorrectly interpreted as disrespect, and disrespect is interpreted as hate, hate makes people angry and anger starts wars.

People are different. People like different things. It is hard sometimes to understand why people are different and like different things, but it should not make you angry.

Everyone needs to relax. People need to respect different cultures, different opinions, different things, different tastes and styles. Don’t get angry at something just because you don’t understand it.

People that get angry about things they don’t agree with or understand just piss me off!

The preceding was the opinion of cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management...Mrs. Cranky.

Friday, September 26, 2014



A recent post and comments got me to thinking about how phones have changed since the days of my youth. 

In the olden days, when moms stayed home and dusted the furniture while wearing a fine dress and pearls, when children played outside until the bell rang for dinner and when dad sat at the head of the dinner table in a jacket and tie with the big piece of chicken; our home had only one phone.
We had one of these

That’s right, one phone.  A black one with a rotary dial, it was attached to the end of a cord on a small table in mom and dad’s bedroom.  We only had one phone because we didn’t own it, it was rented from AT+T for $2.35 a month.  It was an extra dollar a month for a different color and lord only knows what rich people paid for touch tone when they came along.
Grandma and Grandpa had one of these.
When the phone rang, there was no caller ID, and the ring was the same for every caller.  The ring was also impossible to ignore, it was kind of like a fire engine.  When the phone rang and no one was expecting a call, the youngest family member was chosen to answer it.  That would have been me.
Hey! How Friggin old do you think I am?

“Joe, get that will ya?” (That was not a question.)

There was no reason to run for the phone, it would never shut off and go to answer machine mode, it would ring until the caller decided you were not home.  If the caller knew someone must be home, he would ring forever.  It was traditional to talk to the phone on the way to answering it.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”

There were occasional wrong numbers, but no annoying solicitation calls.  If the caller was Aunt Eleanor from California, mom was summoned  post haste…long distance cost the caller big bucks.  You could always hear both ends of that call from the Aunt in California because old people were convinced that if you did not yell into the phone there was no way the sound could travel all the way across country.

As a teen, no caller ID made it possible to call a girl and hang up multiple times while getting up your courage.  For some reason when you called a girl, the father always answered, probably the multiple hang up thing got the father riled up a bit.


“Ah er is Jane home.” (In the olden days girls were named Jane.)

“Who is calling?”

Ah…Joe…from school.”

“JANE, some boy from school…says his name is Joe…calling for you.”

I always wonder why they called out “says his name is Joe” why would I lie? 


“Ah hi Jane, its Joe from school…the Joe in the third row behind Alice.” (In the olden days there were lots of Joes; girls were also named Alice.”)

“Oh yeah…waddaya want?”

“Oh umm did you get the answer to number seven in the math assignment?”


“Ok then, thanks, see you tomorrow.”

Oh my god, (in those days we talked with full words) what have I done.  I think I may have to miss school tomorrow.

Ring Ring, Ring Ring




“It’s Jane, the answer to number 7 is twenty-six.”

“Oh, ok, thanks, see you tomorrow.”

Oh my god, I can’t wait to get to school tomorrow.  

Thursday, September 25, 2014



Mrs. Cranky loves concerts.  There are many things that I love about Mrs. Cranky.  Her love of going to concerts is not one of the many things about her that I love.  In support all the other things about Mrs. Cranky that I love, I will occasionally grit my teeth and go to a concert.  Sometimes I even enjoy them.

Last night we went to a concert at the Garden State Art Center.  Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and Tommy James and the Shondells were the headliners.  As an added attraction, Bruce Murrow aka Cousin Brucie a local fast talking DJ from the 60's was the guest host.
This concert was a freebie.  The GSA Center puts on several free concerts a year for senior citizens.  A free concert sounds pretty good, and it is a great deal, except there is no assigned seating.  To get a good seat and not end up on the lawn six miles from the stage you have to get in line early.

How early?

We leave the house at 3:30, arrive at the Art Center at 4:00 and wait in line until they open the doors at 6:30 for an 8:00 show.

I know!  That’s what I say, but Mrs. C just LOVES Tommy James and there was no way we were not going to get good seats.

When they open the doors at 6:30 there is a stampede of walker pushing, cane swinging, bum leg limping seniors hell bent on getting a good seat.  Mrs. C hasn’t got her AARP card yet, so she can fly, well compared to the walker pushing, cane swinging, bum leg limping seniors, she can fly; I was one of the bum leg limpers but I managed to keep up and we got great seats reasonably close to the stage.

The show started with Cousin Brucie walking through the audience to get to the stage.  He passed right by our seats.  Cousin Brucie must be 90 years old.  I used to listen to his radio show while doing my homework in high school.  He looks damn good for 90 and except for multi-layers of differently shaded hair; you can barely tell he has a toupee.
Cousin Brucie
  Turns out he is only 79.  He still looks pretty good for 79.

Gary Puckett was good, his voice at 71 is not what it once was, it is still pretty good.  Tommy James was excellent.  His voice at 67 is as good as ever and the Shondells are all really great musicians.

Gary Puckett

Tommy James
The most fun was audience watching.  I love old people; wait, that would be me, but I think I am still young next to this crowd.  I towered over almost everyone and I am only 5’ 10.”  I decided that apparently I haven’t begun to shrink yet.  At least I never went for the comb-over your bald spot trick…if you don’t know it old dudes; it is not a good look.  The crowd had more wrinkles than Carter has pills and was old enough to know that reference.  

I told Mrs. C that at least in this crowd I still look good. 

She said, “I hate to break it to you, but you blend.”

And still I love her.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014



While sifting through files on my backup computer because some young punk rat bastard geek prick planted a virus on my good computer and rendered it useless just because he could, the piece of shit; I found this blog which I don’t believe I ever posted.  I searched blogger and did not find it.  If I don’t remember, no one else will either so here it is again…maybe.

My cell phone is registered as a no-call number.  I thought this meant cold callers could get in trouble if they contacted me.   Maybe, but how do you report these calls?

I receive these cold calls daily, generally they are recordings.  Who do I report these callers to?  How do I report them?  How do I identify the callers, often they do not arrive showing a number.

For the most part these calls are only a minor inconvenience.  The main reason they chaff my butt is they are clearly designed to scare the crap out of old people, and it will not be that many years before I become part of their target audience.

The latest scam is for some kind of credit card.  The recording hits upon everything that scares the what-not out of old people.

“We are calling about a VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE that could affect your CREDIT RATING.  This is your FINAL WARNING and if you want to lock in preferred rates, YOU MUST CALL TODAY.  Due to recent changes in THE LAW, our GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS have DECREED these preferred rates WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE in the near future.  If you want to avoid CREDIT PROBLEMS, you are DIRECTED to press one NOW.

It seem like our Government is trying to protect us from everything these days.  They try to protect our children from bullies, sexual harassment, God, and violence.  Schools have expelled kids for name calling.  First graders have been punished for holding hands.  “America” is now sung, “Mmmm bless America…” Chewing a piece of bread into the shape of a gun will keep you after school.

Government is worried about our health.  Cigarettes are not allowed anywhere.  Soda can not be sold in large containers.  Helmets are required for riding a bike, or roller skating.  Don’t even think about jay walking.

Government protects us from hate.  Make an ethnic joke, mock fat people or use politically incorrect language and you will pay a fine, go to jail and do community service for a hate crime.

I get it.  Bullies are bad, kissing can be bad, God must stay in church or at home, no one likes violence, cigarettes…very bad, head injuries are bad, and doesn’t everyone hate hate?

But, what about phishing?  Why can’t government track down those assholes from Nigeria and blow their computers up?  Can’t we do more to stop identity theft? Why don’t we crack down on obvious phone scams that scare and rip off old (and stupid) people.  Why does fine print that no one can read, or a fast talking announcer spurting out disclaimers allow scam artist to legally take people’s money?

Come on Government, help me out here.  Let’s create a “Department of Kicking the Shit out of Scam Artists,” and do it now.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Mrs. Cranky and I spend much of our lives in bed watching TV while also reading or playing games on our laptops. 

Don’t judge, it works for us.

One of the shows that we often watch is “Four Weddings.”  It is part of Mrs. C’s attempt to turn me gay.  I always thought that is something that you are just born with, but I might be wrong as I am beginning to like this show.

Actually I like the show as it gives me a chance to bash the women who are so incredibly picky and judgmental.

The show is a competition where four brides rate each other’s weddings.  The bride with the best wedding gets a free honeymoon on a beautiful island.  The best part of the show is listening to each bride’s critique of the other’s ceremony.

“I give Teresa’s wedding a 6.  I loved her gown, but there weren’t enough flowers in the church.  The food was ok, but the steak was too rare and my fork had water stains.

“I gave Marsha’s wedding a 4.  The wedding vows were beautiful, but the priest was kinda short.  I was not a big fan of her a-line dress, the DJ was hard to hear and my shoes were too tight.

“I rated Mary’s wedding a 7.  The ceremony on the beach was beautiful, though there was too much sand.  The cocktail party was really nice and I loved the special Weddingtini’s.  I don’t remember anything else.

“I have to give Sally’s wedding a two.  The church was too warm, her dress was too white, her husband was bald, the music too loud, the food too cold, the ceremony was too long, and the date was at the wrong time of the month.”

Just once I would like to see the same show with the grooms ranking each wedding.

“I give Vinnies wedding a 9.  The ceremony was short, the liquor was free and the bridesmaids were hot!”

“I give Ron’s wedding a 9.  The liquor was free, the food was warm, and the bridesmaids were hot!”

“I give Franks wedding an 8.  I missed the ceremony, the liquor was free, the food was warm, but one of the bridesmaids told me to go jump in a lake.”

“I gave Johnny’s wedding a ten.  I don’t know I just liked it.”

Hmmm…maybe that show would not be very interesting.

Monday, September 22, 2014

AIR GUITAR - a cranky re-run

This cranky re-run is from September 2012

Every douchebag rock star wannabe (myself included) has spent some mirror time acting like they could play guitar in a band. It is such a common practice that it was given a name, playing “Air Guitar.”

At some point it became acceptable for these idiots to “play” air guitar in public (I draw the line at mirror time.) Somewhere along the line some jerk-weeds even got credit for being good at Air Guitar.

Did you know that there are actually “Air Guitar” contests? Several weeks ago the seventeenth “Air Guitar” World Championships were held in Finland.

Congratulations Justin "Nordic Thunder" Howard from the US, you are the best in the world at pretending you have any talent at playing a make believe musical instrument. How many years have you fake practice playing a non-existent instrument Justin? Did you take lessons or are you just a natural at pretending? How much did it cost to fly to Finland to compete in a make believe talent?

Maybe you could have spent the money actually learning how to do something for real!

I bet I could compete in some world championships:

Where is this years “Fake Hitting the Crap out of a Golf Ball” world championship being held?

I know I could bowl 300 every time in “Air Bowling.” Is there a world championship for this talent?

I’ll bet I could very convincingly run the billiard table all day long. Where is this year’s “Air Billiards” being held?

I could do it all, “Air Piano,” “Air Skeet Shooting,” “Air Boxing,” “Air Drumming,” “Air Politics,” I could even fake read a non-book faster than anyone!

Come on! The only thing more pathetic than someone competing in “Air Guitar” is the people that watch and vote for the best asshole at acting like he has any talent or charisma.

Anyone involved in this sham is an “Air-head.”

Or is that a different contest involving “Air Sluts?”

Sunday, September 21, 2014



It is time once again for

Oh no they di'int! (apologies to Gossip_Girl)

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo. 'None of the above' may be a correct answer.


Kanye West halts Sydney concert after two fans refuse to stand up - doesn't realize one is in a wheelchair and the other is disabled – Kanye is putting the “Dis” in Disabled!

Miss America Kira Kazantsev's Planned Parenthood past draws criticism - When did Miss America get a vote in the Supreme Court?

Governor Jerry Brown makes use of the words Husband and Wife Illegal in California – The new acceptable terms are now “Douchbag” and “The Old Ball and Chain.”

Buzz Aldrin, “Moon Landing Real, I Have Green Cheese to prove it” – I think I know who is sending those Nigerian Prince e-mails.

Police reel in two Alabama men for cheating in fishing tournament – Alabama police do not practice catch and release.

Oregon resident builds golf ball roller coaster – Every time I play golf it is like a roller coaster ride.

Iran's 'Happy' dancers sentenced to 91 lashes, jail –

Because they’re backward

Dance in Iran if you feel like lashes upon your back

Because they’re backward

Dance in Iran and you will feel Ayatollah blow his stack

Because they’re backward

Dance in Iran and you should know that happiness is taboo

Because they’re backward

Dance in Iran and expect that you will be beaten black and blue

Federal court upholds U.S. flag ban on Cinco de Mayo – Also decreed that Barak Obama be called “El Presidante” on May fifth.

'Sex Box,' a Reality TV Show Where Couples Have Sex in a Box and Discuss It, Is Coming to AmericaI for one am looking forward to not watching this garbage…probably…maybe…what channel is PBS?

Kanye Scores 106 Points Against Wheelchair Basketball Team* –

Oh that Kanye!

Bias Bash: Liberal press say Biden gaffes make him 'real' – Real stupid!
*real headline, questionable source.


Last week’s fake headline was:

Aquarium Bull Shark injures self on glass trying to attack a spectator – Maybe it was the Sealtest ice-cream cone he was holding.


Only one, Joanne recused herself for Googling, and I think Fishducky got it but withheld an actual guess due to her Headline Hall of Fame status.  

I'm going with 'Aquarium Bull Shark injures self on glass trying to attack a spectator.'

Have a fabulous day Cranky. My best to Mrs. Cranky.

Sandee waited until all guesses were in so as not to influence others.  She is close to induction to the HHofF!

As always visit Sandee @ for comedy and fun.