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Saturday, June 7, 2014

GRADUATION SPEECH


GRADUATION SPEECH

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with no real knowledge on the subject opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but will be ignored; and please, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid-head.

I promise I did not steal this topical idea from the great blogger Suldog @ http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/ .  I am not a thief.   No, this post is the direct result of a specific request from my son.  Family requests trump Suldog thievery.  So go and read Suldog’s Boston Herald News published article first.  http://bostonherald.com/news_opinion/opinion/op_ed/2014/05/sullivan_2014_grads_missed_out_on_a_corker

Done?  OK, good right?  His stuff always is.

This is my son’s request:

"How about a blog to students graduating from HS or College and what advice you have for them.

I am curious to see what you have to say."

Matt Hagy

 

See I’m not lying.

 

Now here is Cranky’s advice to the graduating class of 2014.

 

Graduates, you have learned much in the past four years.  In the next four months you will forget 80% of what you have learned.  What you will remember is how to learn and how to think.  You should know what you want to continue learning and you now have the ability to do so.  So get out of here and forget all that crap you found boring and learn new stuff that you find interesting.

Your parents will want you to follow certain paths of higher learning or occupation.  Listen to them.  Consider their wise counsel, and then go and do whatever it is you want to do and know that you can do really well.

On to the important stuff:

I want you all to realize something very important.  Think back to some of your ideas and thoughts of just a few years ago.  You were probably stupid, you were probably a geek, some might in retrospect say you were an asshole.  Am I right?  Of course I am.  It’s OK, it is called growing up.  The lesson is that years from today you will look back on your life and think the exact same thing.  Growing up simply means the years that pass before you realize that you used to be an asshole increases exponentially to the years you age.

I am going to speak to the guys now because I have very little experience at being a woman, but ladies you may learn something as well.

I ask you to look around at your fellow graduates.  Guys, do you see that mousey looking brunette with braces, and a straight figure?  Nice girl right?  You liked talking to her and would have asked her out except you only liked the hot girls, oh yes you did.

Do you see the kid with pimples and the Summa Cum Laude sash; big geek right?  Nice kid, but strange, always a nose in a book and the first kid out in DodgeBall. 

Well several years from now you will see the mousey girl again and she will have straight teeth, a fabulous figure, lustrous wavy hair and her arm will be around the successful business man you always thought was a giant geek.  That is when you will palm smack yourself on the forehead and realize that you used to be an asshole.

What is worse is the ex-geek is your boss.  ASSHOLE!!

How about that well-endowed blonde on your left?  You always wanted to ask her out didn’t you; but she was out of your league.  Then two rows up is the class bully and star line-backer you always sort of admired because he had a way with the women.   Ten years from now the blonde will have three kids and live in a one bedroom apartment.  People will tell her she has a pretty face, if only she could lose 60 pounds.

She is waiting for her husband to come home from the bar where he works…and drinks.   Hey, it’s the line-backer bully dude.

Then there is the kid in the back, the one everyone likes.  He has a big smile, always a joke, and is nice to everyone.  He has maybe a “C” average.  He is the one that promised box wine in the cafeteria when running for class president.  He lost when Miss Gromlick reminded everyone that this was not a popularity contest.  The class goody-two- shoes won instead.

Ten years from now Mr. Goody-Two- Shoes is an accountant with a fat wife and two kids with runny noses.  The nice guy has won “Salesman of the Year” three years running.  He is rich, his wife is hot, his kid’s noses don’t run and everyone still likes him. 

See Miss Gromlick, sometimes life is a popularity contest.

So what have we learned here?

Continue to learn.  Do what you are good at.  Be nice to people and don’t judge them by their exterior. 

Tonight go out and celebrate.   Eat, drink, and have a good time, for no matter what, years from now you will realize you are all assholes.

Thank you and congratulations.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

14 comments:

  1. Yep, you both nailed this with excellent advice. I can so remember all of these people back in the day. I was always nice to everyone. I'm happy about that now, but I was still an asshole. Bwahahahahahaha.

    Have a fabulous weekend. ☺

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  2. Good stuff. You and Suldog would make a good speech writing time. ;)

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  3. May I live long enough to see them past what you aptly term asshole-ism.

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  4. Great speech! And add, "Please wipe your kids' runny noses." :-)

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  5. Best graduation or commencement speech I've heard. You need to find a high school and deliver it to young people so it can do some good.

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  6. Now that is a graduation speech

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  7. Thanks for the plug, Joe! And thanks for adding another corker to graduation speech literature!

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  8. Dang! You should be a speech-writer!

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  9. The truth will out. And it did....;)

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  10. Not too shabby for a non-speech-writer. You need to do it more often. Good advice.

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  11. I like this. You should print off a gazillion copies and send one to every graduating class in the country.

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  12. Loved it! As a former high school teacher I have seen more than my share of homecoming queens become welfare queens in the space of a few years. A former big jock on campus picked up our trash for quite awhile. It's always the nondescript "nobodies" that do well for themselves. I had one come up to me with his lovely wife and beautiful children to ask, "Why were you always so nice to me? No one else ever was."

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