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Sunday, March 2, 2014

HEADLINES 030214


HEADLINES 030214

It is time once again for:
 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline is completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-do.

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Colorado Girl Scouts barred from selling cookies outside pot shops – Who would ever think that a pot smoker would want cookies anyway?


6 Signs You Need a Hearing TestNUMBER ONE…


Metro-North train conductor behind apology note to riders will not be
disciplined
– 
As a 40 year rail commuter, I am pretty sure this guy will
be sent back for some additional “Being a giant prick” training.


4.4 billion-year-old crystal is oldest piece of Earth
– 
Scientists know the age because it is stamped “World’s Fair 4,500,000,017 BC.”


Islamic Leaders Issue Fatwa Prohibiting One-Way Trips to Mars
– 
Well, I’ve heard that what happens on Mars stays on Mars.


Real Estate Exec Broke Into Ex-Girlfriend's Home and Drew Penises All
over Paintings He’d Done for Her

I won’t touch this one with a 10-foot, hand-drawn pole.


Biden: 'I may be a white boy, but I can jump'
Typical politician…MAY be white?  Dude, you are the whitest white boy ever to whiten the White House.  You were born white and then dipped in Clorox. 
You ARE white…and I doubt very much you can jump.

Study aims to shoot down media narrative on frozen firearms researchAnother stupid study, why would anyone want to freeze their firearms?

Florida Tribe Offended by “Native” Designation Demand they be Called “Original Americans” – Chief wants “Round Eyes” to change name or supply heap lot of firewater for no wampum.

Scientists Can Now Predict the Flu – It will bring fever, sneezing, sore throat and will make you feel like crap.

Washington girl, 11, shoots cougar tracking her brother - Dang, she just wanted a little action from a younger man, no need to shoot her.

Substitute teacher, 72, arrested for furiously masturbating in high school hallway – Sub, Haywood Jatouchme, said, “Is that wrong?  Cause if I knew it was wrong I would never have done it.”

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Last week’s fake headline was:

Cal State Physicist suggests lengthening the second and making all months 30 days - Then that poem would go, “30 days has September and every other friggin month too!”

Our only winner - Joanne Noragon said...

You can't make a second longer, from the daughter and granddaughter of clock makers. Don't get me started on electricity is 60 cycles per seconds; that's how clocks run. How about quartz oscillates at....well, you get it. You can't make a second longer.

Visit Joanne @ http://cuponthebus.blogspot.com/  For great stories, wisdom and stuff!

I still don’t understand her cycle stuff, but she is smarter than I am…can you shorten a minute Joanne?  And in case I forgot:

WHOOP-DE-DOO!!

Come back next week for more:

 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

19 comments:

  1. Bwahahahahahaha. A great collection of stupid headlines. So funny I linked you to my Silly Sunday post today.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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  2. They are all just incredible but I'm going to pick the one that says scientists can now predict the flu. I figure they can't predict anything correctly.

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  3. oh, what the heck... i'll pick trip to mars because i'm certain folks would want a round trip. :)

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  4. You need to shoot me the easy ones, Joe. I have to pass this week.

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  5. A fatwa on going to Mars? Say it ain't so?

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  6. So does this real estate exec who broke into his girlfriends house also have a part time job as a substitute school teacher? That is one messed up dude, lemme tell ya!

    S

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  7. Ok the cougar one really made me laugh! But that's not the fake one. The fake one has to be the one-way trip to Mars. Who in their right mind would want to STAY there?

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  8. I'm glad I was born on IO. I will never again visit Mars. Thank you for the community service.

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  9. I think it's the one about the very old crystal.

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  10. I read some of the real headlines this week, but I'm still clueless with which is the fake. I'll go with the flu one.

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  11. Cranky, you help make Sunday a Funday.

    See--nobody WANTS to freeze their firearms but Canada keeps shooting us unto another Polar Vortex and now EVERYTHING IS FROZEN! Maybe even the seconds are getting slower.

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  12. I cheated a bit, so I won't guess, but I loved the Biden remarks.

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  13. I'll take jumpy Biden as fake. What's he jumping about? Why is he bragging? Maybe I should follow the real news more closely.

    Heh, heh. The COUGAR made me laugh, too. But my special favorite is the 72-year-old masturbater, because I am a Seinfeld aficionado, and your comment cracked me up.

    Congrats on your win, Joanne! Who knew that insider knowledge of time would come in handy one day?

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  14. My guess this week is the substitute teacher...good God, I sure HOPE this is the fake one!

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  15. I am going with the substitute teacher. I have heard a lot of stories of school workers but I hope none are that stupid.

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  16. I'll go native versus original. Thanks for the belly laughs. The pot shop was my favourite.

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  17. They are all just incredible but I'm going to pick the one that says scientists can now predict the flu. I figure they can't predict anything correctly.Top Ten Web Hosting Reviews

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  18. Oh please let it be the Biden one! I laughed so hard at your comment@ Awesome as usual you are my favorite :)

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