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Monday, February 3, 2014

THINGS THAT SUCK - a cranky re-run

THINGS THAT SUCK
This re-run is from February 2012.  I think you will find that I have actually mellowed a bit in two years.

As I am becoming a crotchety old man, I find myself finally able to claim my dislike for certain things that virtually all heterosexual men hate but find it socially difficult to admit their disdain.  I hereby declare once and for all these are things that suck.

APOLOGIES TO HELEN REDDY

I am hetero-man hear me roar

I find these things to be a bore

And I refuse to put up with this shit again

These are all things that suck

They are events that I will duck

Yes I hate them and I won’t pretend



Oh yes I am old

It is age that’s born of pain

I really hate these things

From this crap I will abstain

I am obstinate

I am Neanderthal

I am hetero-man



STUFF THAT SUCKS:

Broadway plays, especially musicals -  Anything you can do live on stage can be created 1000 times better in movies with their special effects, editing, retakes and on-location capabilities. 

Musicals are crappy plays where dialog is delivered in sing-song talk.  No one sounds like that in real life!

Opera – Once again, like the musical, speak dialog, don’t sing it.  Opera is worse than the musical, at least musicals are in English, and the ladies are not all fat!!

Ballet – If I don’t like my stories in song, I sure as hell don’t want to see a story told by dance!

Competitive swimmingBORING!! It can’t be a sport if no one ever gets hurt.

Shakespeare – Thee, thou, shant, havith, wantith, if was thy that want to be than beith that thou wilith want?  WTF!! You might as well sing the freaking story…in Italian!!

Quiche – Mmmm cheesy foam with little bits of crap!! Steak PLEASE!!

Figure Skating – Except for the women’s skimpy outfits and their backwards butt-first runs by the judge's table….BORING!!

TV Award shows – Every artist is a “genius.”  Acting is a “craft” singers are “gifted”, I am sooo honored….clap clap clap….I’d like to thank the academy and everyone I’ve ever met….FUCK YOU!

Any Dancing – There ain’t enough liquor.

Cats and poofey dogs – Gimme a pet that will protect me, retrieve something, or pull something.

The color mauve – If it is not in a Crayola box, it is not a real color!

15 comments:

  1. Turquoise is a colour thougH ... right?

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  2. You got a good laugh out of me. I have to agree with everything unless mauve is the color of a skimpy bikini.

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  3. That broad in your post sucks. I need to wash my eyes out with bleach now.

    Have a non-sucky day. ☺

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  4. mauve made me laugh. i'm totally with you on the quiche.

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  5. I've said it before but you are the Sage of Our Generation. I agree with nearly all of your things that suck. I actually fell asleep and snored like a bear at a Bolshoi Ballet premier, but I did enjoy the Broadway version of The Lion King," which I hope you won't hold against me.

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  6. Whoa! You WERE cranky that day, weren't ya?!

    Quiche? Scrambled eggs in a pie crust. :-) Helps if you look at it that way.

    Pearl

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  7. I would have agreed with everything, but now I learned a great deal about opera, and I teach Shakespeare. On stage, fat ladies (without bikinis) rock!

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  8. I just finished singing Hetero-Man in Helen Reddy's I am Woman's melody. It works! Kinda. :)

    I can relate to a few of the things on your list. As much as we're supposed to consider it a privilege to see live theater, it has GOT to be really good for me not to nod a bit like Stephen - though no snoring for me. Lion King is one of the ones I made it through, too - about 95% attention.

    Put some steak and onions in that cheesy quiche and you'v got a winner!

    And I forgive you for insulting my Schnoodle.

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  9. Cranky Man,

    Agree with Opera, ballet and Shakespeare (have written about how rubbish they are myself).

    Quiche - only real men eat quiche (so I'm told).

    TV Awards? - Yup - with you there.

    But I am a cat man - sorry!

    :-)

    Cheers

    PM

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  10. I have one of those fluffy dogs, and yes, in some ways he sucks!

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  11. I think you left out shopping.

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  12. Hahaaa... y'kill me. I like all the stuff you say sucks...

    AND I know lots of hetero - men who do too .. well, no, I don't. but I might. surely I do. hmmmm musicals are a stretch for a guy to like. and I don't understand why.

    you don't even know what color mauve is ... Here's a website ... "ain't nobody got time for that"...

    http://playingintheworldgame.wordpress.com/2013/06/13/fuchsia-mauve-puce-and-teal-aint-nobody-got-time-for-that/

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  13. I like all the stuff you hate. Even quiche!

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  14. Quiche is often improved by a bit of bacon, but even then it's not always my first preference for a meal. More like way down on the list when there is nothing else left to eat.

    I love figure skating, it's an awesome skill and I wish I could do it.

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