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Sunday, October 27, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 102713


STUPID HEADLINES 102713

It is time once again for:

 
STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY
 
It is organic and gluten free!
 

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.
 
One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

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Argentine scientists tap cow burps for natural gas – Filler up?  OK, but it may take a while.

Deranged man flings excrement during game in Giant Stadium – Coach Coughlin is worried now that the shit has hit the fan.

Does Oprah owe an apology to atheists – In response to atheist, Oprah offered the following apology, “I am very sorry y‘all are atheists.”

Navy's largest destroyer heading into the water in Maine –   Those “Downeasters” better not try anything funny!    

Feds try to eliminate housing for the deaf -- at complex built for hearing-impaired – OK, so a 2005 federal study found there was not enough housing for deaf people.  The Federal Government aided in the building of a facility for deaf residents, and now the Federal Housing Agency claims there are too many deaf people in the facility.  Wait…what?

Hawaii surfer escapes shark attack by throwing punches – Kuani “Stumpy” Oahu says, “I’d like those punches back, but I’m just happy to be alive.”

Trick Out Your Treats with Exotic Candies from the Asian Market – Did your car get egg bombed last night?  Here, have a chocolate covered fish-eye you little prick!

How Your Middle Name Could Screw Up Your Credit Score – So now I’m thinking of changing my middle name from “Deadbeat” to “Ralph.”

McDonald's helps workers get food stamps – Terrific, now all the burgers will have imprints of Ronald McDonald.

Poem gets high school football player suspended, kicked off team – How bad could a poem be to suspend the star running back for Nantucket High?

Detroit mailman saves family's burning home, continues on delivery route – Now they have to add “nor burning home” to that “neither rain nor sleet” thing.

Man's body found hanging in apartment after eight years – You would think that if a person was missing the first thing to check would be “is he just hanging out in his apartment.”

Obama wants Marines to wear ‘girly’ hats – When the Commander and Chief enters, everyone curtsey!

Iran gives Christians 80 lashes for communion wine – Let see, disrespect the Koran, get your head cut off, but they whip Christians for partaking in their holiest rite…the religion of peace and love has some ‘splainin to do!

Georgia man runs into burning home to get beer – And the number one way to know you’re a “Redneck?”
 
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Last week’s fake headline was:

Corona executive admits: “We invented Cinco de Mayo.” – Well the Mexican holiday did exist, but it was kinda like our Arbor Day.

And the winners are:

           (not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

My choice is:           
"Corona executive admits: 'We invented Cinco de Mayo.' – Well the Mexican holiday did exist, but it was kinda like our Arbor Day."

Because... well, we were celebrating it long before I ever heard of Corona.

Hmmm…Lots of Mexicans in California

Follow Skip for…? Uh…stuff!  Just stuff, little of this, little of that… Hell just check him out at http://lionskip.blogspot.com/


fishducky said...

Pour me a Corona, please, Joe!!

Fishducky is back!

Check out Fran for funny stuff @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/

 

_____________________________

 

 

At this time it saddens me to report a fake headline cheater.

 

  Fraternity Brother “Squeak” sent me the following:

 

Cranky,

Thanks for wasting 45 minutes of my fucking time!

Motorcycle 140 MPH for a pee.  All others are Google confirmed true! Jerk!

Squeak

 

Not only did he still get the wrong answer, but as all readers know, Googling is against the rules!!

I summarily placed Squeak on a 6 day suspension, and he is not able to submit any guess until 10/27/13!

I hope you have learned your lesson!

11 comments:

  1. "How Your Middle Name Could Screw Up Your Credit Score "

    You can have "Ralph". I'm gonna change mine to "Buffett", then stop by the Ferrari dealer. :)

    S

    ReplyDelete
  2. (i like the 6 day suspension). :)

    i know the middle name one is true. sorry lowandslow.

    i'm going for mcdonald's and food stamps.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm going to go with the one on Oprah. And I didn't cheat, which is why I'm probably wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, I'd like to think it's the "Feds Try to Eliminate Housing for the Deaf", but then again it sounds just like something our government would do! Great post, Cranky, keep 'em coming! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ah crap!
    My thoughtless parents didn't give me a middle name ...just a first name nobody ever uses after they find out it doesn't get a rise out of me.
    Does that mean I don't get a credit score, too?

    Oprah's so rich she don't apologize

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think that the headline "Deranged man flings excrement during game in Giant Stadium" is full of shit!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Our largest destroyer heading to Maine? I don't think so. I think our largest destroyer is off the coast of Kansas.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have no idea this week. Haha! THIS WEEK. I obviously have no idea MOST weeks.

    I'm picking the scientists collecting cow burps. Any true scientist would know that the real gas comes out the other end.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am going with Man's body found hanging in apartment after eight years as the fake. There had to be signs or somethings before the eight years. Smell something or the guys just left all his stuff.

    It is bad when the ones you what to be fake, you know are real. I heard at least two this week on the radio or read them earlier this week on my news sources on the internet.

    I like some of the candy in the Asian stores.

    ReplyDelete
  10. the football playing poet from nantucket has to be the fake.

    ReplyDelete

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