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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

LIVING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES


LIVING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES
Imagine what it would be like living with Sherlock Holmes.  Your every move analyzed.  Every noise, every open window, every open drawer, every missing slice of bread, every unwashed fork, everything you touch leaves a clue as to what you have been up to.

That is what it is like living with Mrs. Cranky.  Her powers of observation, her sense of smell, her hearing and her ability to deduce events from these unique talents is eerie.  And to top it off, these senses are at work 24/7…yes, she hears, smells and feels, even in her sleep.

If I go down stairs late at night to sneak a snack, Sherlock Cranky catches me every time.

“What did you get, a gob of peanut butter on a spoon?”

“Yes, and how did you know, I thought you were asleep?”

“The rustling of your sheets woke me.  I heard the flatware drawer open, and footsteps to the pantry.  Peanut butter?  Elementary, I could smell it before you started up the stairs.”

If I sneak out to the store she not only knows where I’ve been, but what I purchased.

“Where have you been, Lowes?”

“Yes, and how did you know?”

“I saw you took down the basement smoke detector, bought a 9V battery didn’t you.”

“No...”

“No? Then let me see what is in that bag.”

“Ok, ok, I went to Lowes and bought a 9V battery…Damn, you’re creepy!”

When I come home from playing golf, Mrs. C knows how I did before I come in the door.

“Bad round huh.”

“Yes, and how did you know?”

“I didn’t hear the garage door open, so you left your clubs in the car.  You always put them away after a good round.  Plus you slammed the car door.  You never slam it unless you are upset.”

“What the hell, do you know friggin everything?  What did I have for lunch?”

“Cheeseburger, lemon pie and a Pepsi.”

“Holy meerschaum pipe and magnifying glass, how did you know that?”

“I didn’t, that was just a guess.”

I have no intention, inkling, or desire to ever cheat on Mrs. Cranky.  It is a good thing, because she would know who, when and where before I zipped my zipper.

11 comments:

  1. Ha ha... sounds like my husband. He can see something moved 1/8" the second he walks through the front door :)

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  2. we women can be marvels, can't we? :)

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  3. I knew I loved Mrs. Cranky--now I know why!!

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  4. So many of your posts playfully tap into the rich dynamics of married life. My Mrs. C. is also an uncanny sleuth who doesn't let me get away with much. even though I keep trying.

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  5. Someone must keep the ship of state afloat, and I have more confidence in the Mrs. C's than the Mr. C's. From which you should take comfort.

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  6. You need to take her to Vegas or the horse tarck. You....well, SHE....could make bank! ;)

    S

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  7. Delightful.
    I love Mrs. Crasnky too.

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  8. I don't mean to rat out the female gender...but we ALL have those powers. Some just conceal them better than others, or use them more sparingly. I, however, prefer to let my light shine.

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  9. Val is right. I'm as talented as your wife when it comes to my husband. Things like: I know when I've irked him because he makes a very specific movement. He's trying not to respond, but that move lets me know every time. Of course, I can never tell him what he does.

    And what's up with the glob of peanut butter on a spoon. Mr. Anita does that often. The sight of him licking that peanut butter... lets just say, I have to turn my head or leave the room. :)

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  10. Sharing with my husband. Pretty sure he understands. And since I always know these things, then yes, he understands.

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