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Sunday, April 7, 2013

STUPID HEADLINES 040713


STUPID HEADLINES 040713

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

Do inmates have any balls?...Oh yeah, right. 

 

Minor league ballpark to add urinal gaming – Ewww!  If you win you lose.  Look out; he’s going to cash out!! Or is it called piss off?

Catholic universities offer support to Boston College on condom giveaway stance – Feet apart about shoulder length, bend the knees slightly, head straight, chest out…now reach with condom in right hand and give it away….that is the perfect condom giveaway stance.

True Color of Dinosaur Feathers Debated – Seriously, is this what our greatest minds are working on?  Who gives a poop?

Researchers find treatment that kills every kind of cancer tumorWhy did I just happen to find this headline, but when a report comes out that coffee MAY cause ulcers if you drink over 85 cups a day, it is in every paper and all over the 5 o’clock news?

Oregon couple reportedly claims neighbor's medical marijuana smell makes them sick – Couple also complains of gaining 15 pounds from sudden urge to eat junk food.

Your job might be killing you – Research shows job stress a greater predictor of heart attacks than smoking.  If you don’t mind, please stop working around me, I don’t want your secondhand stress!

Obama unveils details on brain-mapping initiative – Could Government spending be any more ridiculous?  Let me help cut costs here; ITS BETWEEN THE LEFT AND RIGHT EAR!

Small Georgia town passes law requiring residents to own guns – I am in favor of increased regulations regarding gun ownership, but I must admit this might be the last town I would consider for a bank robbery or home invasion.  I might also keep any negative opinions of the Braves or Falcons to myself.

India students invent electrified lingerie in hopes to prevent rape attacks – Pantyhose was always defense enough for me.

Two North Korean Submarines "Disappeared" – They might try looking underwater.

Kuwait Parliament Approves Death Penalty for Insulting God - “Islam is a religion of tolerance, peace and acceptance, but that doesn’t mean it should be stepped on,” lawmaker Ali al-Deqbasi told the house before the vote. (Actual quote…you can’t make this stuff up.)

Student: Teachers Bully Me Because I’m ConservativeThat’s not bullying, that’s conversion.  If he would only repent and start thinking correctly the bullying would stop!

‘Dead’ prostitute leaps from her coffin – Her necrophiliac ‘John’ demands refund.

Florida woman finds ‘sign from God’ on Goldfish cracker Florida schools ban Goldfish crackers.

Target apologizes for 'manatee' label on plus-size dress – Those manatees are so friggin sensitive.


 

Finally these headlines came in an email from Frat Bro Marvelous Marty K.  I assume they are real but cannot verify, comments are not mine:

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!



Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.




I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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9 comments:

  1. You (and Marty) really hit a home run this week!

    Yeah, who cares what color dinosaur feathers are when there are REALLY important things to worry about, like the mating habits of Bolivian frogs under a full moon in April. We can't let all that government research money go begging!

    S

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  2. Those are hilarious. I think sub-editors really have fun with those sometimes. Too bad all this is being lost with the dull, SEO-bait headlines more commonly seen now!

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  3. some funny; some just plain sad...

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  4. This makes me want to write my own headline: Intruder Apprehended in Church as Police Catch Him by the Organ.

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  5. I''m laughing, I'm crying, I'm so grateful.
    Thanks, Joe. I really need this today.

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  6. As a fellow Cranky Man, I love your blog and I feel I have a connection to it. I started following. Keep up the good work.

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  7. Wow, that Panda vet really took one for the team, didn't he.

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  8. Love these proofreading gems. I live in Oregon so maybe I better check my neighbors backyard. Maybe he's the reason I'm so hungry all the time.

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