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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

PAROCHIAL DIRECTIONS


PAROCHIAL DIRECTIONS
 

Several years ago, while still married to Mrs. Wife #2, we went on vacation to Kauai Hawaii.  The flight out took about twelve hours and by the time we landed at the airport we were well past travel weary.  We rented a car and were assured the hotel where we were booked was less than twenty minutes away.

The rent-a-car lady, a local, gave us directions to the hotel.

“Take the main highway east, and look for a left turn at Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive*.  Drive two miles and then turn right at Lookeymakooky Way, and the hotel will be on your left.  Can’t miss it!

We packed our luggage and easily found the main highway east.  As we past every possible left hand turn we looked for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.  Surely it was impossible to miss a sign for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.  Thirty miles later it was quite evident that we did in fact miss Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.

Mrs. Wife #2 was not good with missed directions on a normal day.  After a twelve hour flight her head started to spin and she was hacking out green “exorcist-like” sputum.  I hated when she did that.

We called the hotel and they confirmed that we missed the turn for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.  They gave us directions to back track and we did in fact find the hotel thirty minutes later.

While unpacking the car it soon became apparent that I had left a dress bag at the airport…more head spinning and green sputum spitting ensued.

The next morning after being called every name in the book and a few which would require an addendum to “The Book,” I set out to the airport to recover the forgotten bag.

On the way I was determined to find where I missed the turn off to Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.  It did not take long.  With my eyeballs refreshed from resting after the twelve hour flight (my eyes were rested, but I did wake up with a new asshole; one of many new assholes Mrs. Wife #2 ripped for me during our fourteen years of marriage) I spotted Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.

Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive was clearly marked on a three inch by fourteen inch sign which was hanging under a two foot by five foot sign which identified ROUTE 35 as the other name for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.   

I kinda wished that local Kauai car rental clerk might have mentioned that Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive was also known as ROUTE 35 !!

It might have saved me some head spinning, green sputum spitting name calling, and let me keep my old asshole.

 

*A post by that fabulous blogger, fishducky http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ ,  reminded me of this story.     
  

12 comments:

  1. What a fun post! I love Hawaii, by the way. Went there in April for my daughter's wedding.

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  2. Retaining one's original asshole is paramount.

    :-)

    Pearl

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  3. You crack me up. How many a&&holes did you ex number 2 take from you?

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  4. I am honored! I have been many things--most of them unprintable--but I've never been a reference (or an asterisk) before!!

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  5. Roads here in Portland often have multiple names and it can really be confusing giving people directions. Maybe this is why we don't get much company.

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  6. How on earth could you get lost on Kauai? It's an island and a little round one at that! Just keep driving and you'll eventually arrive where you started...all assholes intact :)

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  7. My dad used to try and give me directions like that. I'd listen, nod, smile....then go get a map and figure it out myself.

    How many new assholes did #2 rip for you? I'm thinking you could make a darn good living as a freak show attraction.

    S

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  8. What is it with Hawaii and twenty syllable street names all starting with K? Sure does confuse the haoles and probably gives the islanders a great laugh.

    Route 35--that's too easy.

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  9. Did you leave #2 on Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive and tell her family to just look for the sign?

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  10. I was laughing so hard through this one! As soon as I saw the fishducky drive part I knew that woman was involved somehow. Well done my friend and although you mav have acquired a new a hole it was sure could for a chuckle!

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  11. and just think, after all that he still refuses to learn how to read a map! i wont get into the episode this past weekend ....

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  12. We had our honeymoon on Kauai and got lost the first night trying to find our condo too. Yeah, it's a round island but after 9 hours on a plane we didn't want to spend the entire night driving in circles rather than climbing into a nice soft bed.

    Gorgeous place though. We loved it and hope to go back someday.

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