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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

COMMUNICATING WITH A MAN

COMMUNICATING WITH A MAN


There have been countless number of articles written about how men do not know how to communicate with women.  These articles are primarily written by and read by women.  Since this communication discussion is primarily read by women, the subject should be about women not knowing how to communicate with a man.

The problem with communication between genders is women speak a different language from men.  Women’s language is far more complicated than men’s and therefore it is women who need to adjust their communication skills.

Women speak with more than words.  They interpret tones, inflections, facial expressions and hand gestures.  Women infer information from a person’s skin tone and they even use their sense of smell.  They can smell fear, nervousness, confidence, or insincerity in another person.  A man understands only words, and words to a man mean exactly what the dictionary says they mean.

So women, here are some rules in communicating with a man:

1.     Please…stop playing coy!  “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!”

HE DOESN'T FRICKING KNOW….FRICKING TELL HIM!

2.     Use your words.  He does not see your raised eyebrow and if he does it only means:

YOU RAISED YOUR EYEBROW!

3.     When you dig your fingernails into his arm to get his attention his first thought which WILL be verbalized is:

“THAT FRICKING HURTS!”

4.     When you whisper so others will not hear, he will ask you to:

“SPEAK UP!”  And he will ask you loudly.

5.     When you raise your voice to make a point he will ask:

“WHY ARE YOU YELLING?”

6.     If you say you will be ready to leave a party in a minute he will:

EXPECT TO LEAVE IN 60 SECONDS



There are times when words are not interpreted by their dictionary meaning:



7.     “No” means:

MAYBE, SO KEEP TRYING

8.     “NO!! you fucking Neanderthal asshole” means:

MAYBE, SO KEEP TRYING

9.    “No!!  And if you  keep that up and I will cut off your dick” Means:

“NO...But I should probably try again later.”   

10.                        “No!! And if you don’t stop, after I cut off your dick I will put the rest of you through a wood chipper you fucking Neanderthal asshole”  Means:

 No!...I think.”

9 comments:

  1. I should copy this and email it to my ex

    ReplyDelete
  2. The four most feared words a woman can say to a man... "We need to talk." Plus, a woman will use 500 words to say something she could have said in 10. After listening to 20 or 30 words most men's brains just fade to black. We usually snap out of it just in time to hear, "Don't you agree?" Well...duh...sure baby. Anything other than that will lead to ANOTHER 500 words. SMN!

    S

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for the lesson. Now, which words, exactly?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good advice from years of experience ... I can just tell ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Do you have this advice in book form Cranky? I know a couple of people who would benefit hugely!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I get a lot of: "Don't use that tone with me!" I only have one tone so I don't know what she's talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  7. *giggles*
    Classic.

    You forgot that it needs to be repeated 7 times before the Man will remember it, unless it is car/sport related.

    Over the last two decades of marriage, I have refined this technique to communicate with hubby. Preferably only at home, without guests.

    1. Show him my boobs. He is no longer thinking about the car and we can proceed.
    2. Even though he has an IQ of 152, I use the smallest words possible to describe the situation. eg, "I am unhappy because I can't find my cat. Please help me find her." Note how I asked for specific help. Men are much happier when given a quest that has an end. Unlike the "housework quest" he gave me that is never ending and enduring and tedious...
    3. I give him all the information I have, eg, "I looked for her in here and this place".
    4. Hopefully now he will either make suggestions or get off his tush and help search for the Feline Diva. Then come in blushing guiltily because he locked her in the shed...

    Notes on the fridge/car/lunchbox help too. Especially if you draw rude pictures on them.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Men do not take hints.

    Ever.

    Spell it out, short, sweet and blunt. Otherwise you can just f*cking forget it!

    How could you miss this one Cranky?

    ReplyDelete

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