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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

SCIENTISTS WARN OF SOLAR WARMING

SCIENTISTS WARN OF SOLAR WARMING


Scientists reported today on a trend of solar warming.  Stewart Pid of the Solar Climate And Meteorologist Society announced that the average daily temperature on the sun is increasing at an alarming rate.  Studies of temperatures on various areas of the Sun have shown the Sun’s average temperature has risen 4 degrees Celsius over the last one hundred years.

SCAMS spokesperson Stu Pid asserted, “The Sun's average temperature of two million seven hundred thousand and eight degrees Celsius has risen from Two million seven hundred thousand and four degrees since 1912.  Our computer simulation program projects the Sun’s average temperature by 2212 will be a dangerous Two million seven hundred thousand one hundred and twelve degrees.  At this temperature life on the Sun as we know it will cease to exist.”

Scientists at SCAMS are not clear at what is causing this dangerous phenomenon, but they suspect it is related to the man-made issue of the increasing economic spread of the wealthiest citizens to the poorest citizens in the United States. 

Mr. Pid stated, “We need to act today to stop this Solar Warming; there is not enough time to chance that our theory is wrong.  Unless we Tax the wealthiest one percent of Americans and return the money to the desperately starving ninety-nine percent we calculate the Sun’s temperature will reach intolerable levels. 

If you do not care about the future of your great great great great grandchildren, then just do nothing.  If you want future generations to be able to visit and enjoy the Sun then we need to act now.  We at SCAMS are not willing to risk doing nothing.”

The United Nations has become concerned and announced the establishment of a new commission, the Fundamental United Commission of Knowledgeable Use of Solar Activity or FUCKUSA.  This commission is made up of the finest bureaucrats in the world.  They are charged with creating a report which will assign guilt of Solar Warming on the United States.  The UN stands at the ready to rubber stamp the findings of this commission as soon as the report is completed.  UN Secretary Emmitt Basile stated he expects the twenty two thousand page report concluding the USA is totally at fault for Solar Warming should take about two weeks to complete.

Mr. Em Basile announced in a news release today, “After the commission’s report, we expect to take a vote forcing the USA to give up all possessions and distribute them to the underdeveloped backward nations of the world. This issue is potentially catastrophic; we must not delay in taking action.”

President Obama reacted to this sudden emergency with a pledge to agree to whatever the UN Commission decides.  “We do not have time for silly congressional or judicial review; I will issue an executive order to comply with whatever the UN decides.”

Headlines in newspapers across the United States and all the actors in Hollywood have applauded the President’s decisiveness in resolving this emergency situation.
Solar Warming deniers faced with the overwhelming consensus of the President, the UN, the newspapers and more importantly Hollywood actors have decided to stop questioning the Solar Warming science.   

1 comment:

  1. Loved it! It must be this warm March weather that has inspired this report. I'll alert the school children so they can become a nuisance to their parents about the latest environmental threat!

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